Am I Stupid? Do I love him too much? Should we divorce?
Hi everyone, I really need some advises and I appreciate if anyone takes the time to respond to me. I am very sad and confused right now. I have been through a lot, been with my husband for 8 yrs (3.5 dating and 4.5 marriage). Over the years we have learned that we have different ideas or ways of thinking/solving problem. However, to me it is normal to think differently as long as we communicate and come to a compromise. However, he is the kind of person his way or no way and he is not willing to talk about the issues. So we grew further apart. He likes to work and he works almost everyday including weekend and always tired, cranky and short temper. He has gotting worse with his temper and I have let him one time after another yell at me, call me names (stupid, *****, *****, worst wife, usedless, worst mother), curse me (F word, S word) and more. I was mad at the time but after a few days I would forgive and make up with him so I guess that made him okay to do it again.
I married him right after college and the lost of my mother. I was lonely and I needed love. Then a year later, we lost our first son in 2007 one month after birth and I was devastating. He did not treat me nice while I was pregnant either like getting mad any time he wants and would live me home alone at night when he's mad while my family is not close by. We almost separated after my son was lost but then we talked and decided to give it another try. I lost my mom, then my son, I did not want to lose him either. Then we tried again and had another beautiful baby girl who is 2 yr old now.
Our relationship is getting worse because he's always tired and cranky and since I gave up my career to become a stay at home mom, he gives me no respect at all. He told me I'm usedless because I can't cook very good, drive freeway or make money and that's I'm the bad mom because I didn't know how to burp her the first few months or she favors him when he gets home. I'm so tired to put up with they way he disrespect me and putting me down. But he is careless. He is not willing to go to marriage counselor and if I say anything, "f you", "I don't want a wife like you", "I'm stuck with you", "just sign me the damn paper (divorce). I will give you half of my money. That's how bad I want to get rid of you". "If you say one word about my mom, I will kick your butt and kill you". He does not have any other women but his mind is all about making money and save for retirement. He told me growing up he never thought of having a family wife or kid. He just want to grow old working and taking care of his mom. He always act as if I'm stupid, snap me right away when I say something or have an idea, complain I'm a nagger when I truly only remind him something once and his attitude tells me I'm bothering him. Kisses and sex are no longer there. We only kiss a few times a month when we are in good terms mostly I initiate and sex only once/twice a month on the one or two days that he's off but it's more like I'm begging or nagging for it.
My husband came from a dysfunctional family therefore he does not know how to communicate, to show affection or to trust people. He does not have any close friends and he told me none of his teachers since middle school to graduate school like him. But he said he did not care because he's the most "sucessful" in his class and he means in terms of making money. He hates listen to others. He's like an innocent caveman who loves and reacts with impulse but not thinking. In the past I kept forgiving him from time to time because I thought he did not know any better. But as my baby gets older, it is harder for me to take it because I don't want her to grow up accepting men treating her like that. Plus I start question if I am wasting time hoping for a love that never comes.
I'm very sad because I always give in and take the short end just to find peace in the family. I give up everything to be with him, let him be in control and he still threatens to divorce me everytime we have an arguement big/small. He has caused my self-esteem to be so low I don't know how low it could go. My tolerant is also almost to the max. Yet, I keep telling myself, try, try harder to make it work. I'm a Catholic and I don't believe in divorce. I thought if I love him, sweet, gentle, respect, try to save him money, don't shop for myself and take care of our baby with all my energy, treat him like my king then he will love me more but guess I was wrong. I dream one day he will understand how much I love him and we can have a loving, understanding and respectful relationship. But my dream is becoming more and more hopeless.
I don't know what to do now. When he's angry, he's very mean say whatever to hurt me and tell me he's ready to divorce me whenever I'm ready. He does not physically abuse me though. I'm so mad I want to just agree with him and sign the divorce paper. I'm fear it will hurt too much for me not being with him. I want my baby to have a father figure in her life to enrich her life. I don't know what will happen with my baby and our relationship in the future...will he find way take her away from me... He does not want to go to court, he told me whatever I want tell him and we will do it as a disolution but how do I know what are my rights.
Thank you for reading my long thread. My questions for you is:
1. Do you think I'm stupid that I still love him even when he treats me bad? To be honest, I want to be with my husband as long as he give me some respect and don't call me names or curse when he's angry because it hurts my feelings a lot.
2. Is there anyway I can reverse things so that my husband can give me the love and respect I deserve and we can still be together?
3. Do you think our marriage can be saved considering he does not want marriage counselor?
4. If not, how can I protect my rights if I decide to divorce? Do I need a lawyer? how much child support/spousal support I should ask if he makes a very good income now (30K/month).
5. What are other terms and conditions I should consider if I don't go to a lawyer?
WHAT DO I DO NOW SO I DON'T GO CRAZY THINKING OF WHAT TO DO...?
Thank you so much with all my heart for your time and God blesses you all.