Any ways to STOP a divorce?
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 02-28-2011, 09:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Any ways to STOP a divorce?

Wy wife has just filed for a divorce. I am looking for tips and/or advice to try to stop it. I love my wife very much, and I feel that she is not making her decisions with a clear head (this is what her brother and a few of the Church members are saying).

I am not abusive, I am not a drinker, I have recently been Baptised. I have taken in her kids as though they were my own (even she will admit that I was a good father to them).

What started this was my wife had allowed her 14 YO daughter to date a 22 YO man. Plus I discovered soon afterwards that my wife had an EA (which started out innocently), and I confronted her about these things. She got really angry when I told her that I found out. Words were said that I wish that I could take them all back.

Her (family) history is one that if the going gets tough, divorce begins. Her mother has divorced five times, her older sister has three times, her younger has twice, and my wife has twice (along with a couple of her aunts). Her brothers, dad, (even her mother) all have said that this was the "easy" way out. My mother-in-law has told me that if my wife files to fight her on it, she has never had anyone fight for her before. They are all in support for my wife and I to stop the divorce and have our marriage work out. If her Father, Mother and brothers are trying to stop this divorce from happening, then that has to say something about me. I am not the most perfect person in the world, but neither is my wife. I am willing to look past her EA, and her history, and to forgive her for everything. I want to do what I can to work this out with her.

Thank you in advance.
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Old 02-28-2011, 09:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

There is no silver bullet.
YouTube - Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

Get into MC. Do anything to get her into MC and put the D on hold. Beg, beg family, talk about vows, kids, anything.
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

I know that it is entirely her choice, but I cannot get her to watch the video.

I will talk to some of her family members to see if we can start our marriage counseling again. A couple months ago, we started to, but her therapist said tha tshe should work on IC before we can start on MC. But I feel that her therapist isn't capable of helping her, for all I have seen is more of a down turn from my W. I will do more research on the walk-away-wife syndrome, this fits her M/O.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

As far as I know, its not a specific thing. Its just a very common scenario that plays out FAR to often. Keep reading stories on the site. Its a very common theme here.

She might need IC as well. If thats not an option somehow, can you go to MC and just sit there and not talk? Talk to your counselor again or get a new one.

IC and MC take a long time. It would probably be best if she did both at the same time.
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

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As far as I know, its not a specific thing. Its just a very common scenario that plays out FAR to often. Keep reading stories on the site. Its a very common theme here.

She might need IC as well. If thats not an option somehow, can you go to MC and just sit there and not talk? Talk to your counselor again or get a new one.

IC and MC take a long time. It would probably be best if she did both at the same time.
I will have a talk with the right people tonight about this. She just started her IC when we were scheduled for an MC. I attended the first three, then I was trold by the therapist that we needed to break off the MC for some time. But here is the kicker, and the confliction, our MC is her IC.....so I know that this will not work for us. I will ask about having another therapist for our MC sessions.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

You cannot change her; only she can do that. You CAN change you.

What I see in your post is stuff you DON'T do. That should be a given. The question is, what do you add to her life and happiness? Also, what did you expect when marrying a woman whose pattern is to get going when the going gets tough? What were your expectations, esp., why did you think her relationship with you would be different? If she didn't work through her issues before you, she brought them into the relationship. This does not mean it is hopeless, but it does suggest an uphill struggle ahead.

You can remind her that running does not solve anything, and causes a whole lot of trouble. You can encourage her to face the issues that have made running the choice in her and her family. Good luck!
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

Quote:
But here is the kicker, and the confliction, our MC is her IC.....so I know that this will not work for us. I will ask about having another therapist for our MC sessions
I might find a different therapist for both. I really don't think this is normal. I think its stupid that he would say that.

You guys NEEDED MC when you were there the first time, and it was a big mistake to stop it then. Even if you can't get far in MC, stopping in when there is still a big rift is stupid. Making slow progress in MC while she is in IC is still a big improvement than no MC at all. I'm mad reading that he would do that.
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

Well, my divorce process will soon reach the two year mark. Not exactly sure what I have done to prolong it, but I wished it would soon be over. One thing is for certain when two attorneys are involved; they will drag it out to collect more money.

Affaircare had a thread going back in the fall about dragging a divorce out. You may want to look through the threads she started.

Hope things work out for you.
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

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Originally Posted by sisters359 View Post
You cannot change her; only she can do that. You CAN change you.

What I see in your post is stuff you DON'T do. That should be a given. The question is, what do you add to her life and happiness? Also, what did you expect when marrying a woman whose pattern is to get going when the going gets tough? What were your expectations, esp., why did you think her relationship with you would be different? If she didn't work through her issues before you, she brought them into the relationship. This does not mean it is hopeless, but it does suggest an uphill struggle ahead.

You can remind her that running does not solve anything, and causes a whole lot of trouble. You can encourage her to face the issues that have made running the choice in her and her family. Good luck!
I have been thinking about your question. I thought tha t Iwas giving everything tha tshe wanted and needed, a roof ove rher head, a father for her kids, stability, love, affection, kindness, compliments, physical contact, time alone, myself.....I guess I am still missing something......


Quote:
Originally Posted by anx View Post
I might find a different therapist for both. I really don't think this is normal. I think its stupid that he would say that.

You guys NEEDED MC when you were there the first time, and it was a big mistake to stop it then. Even if you can't get far in MC, stopping in when there is still a big rift is stupid. Making slow progress in MC while she is in IC is still a big improvement than no MC at all. I'm mad reading that he would do that.
Imagine my anger towards her therapist, but I kept it cool with her (yes her therapist is a she). She has already had a few visits with her under her belt by the time that I was invited to the picture for MC, so there, I feel, was the first issue.

The second issue for me was when iexpressed my concerns to her that she was my W's IC, and that she will ALREADY have her side of her story. Our three MC sessions were one-sided, working on me and not my W. On the third session, we were able to work on my W somewhat, but this was when the therapist decided to halt all MC sessions until further notice, which hasn't happened yet.

I did get a number for another MC which my brother-in-law had given me. I will try to get my wife and I scheduled.
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

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i did get a number for another mc which my brother-in-law had given me. I will try to get my wife and i scheduled.
good luck!!!!!!
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

Remmons,

Remember writing this?

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Originally Posted by remmons View Post
I like living alone too. I can watch TV anytime Iwant, or I can play on my computer, eat anything I want, when I want. I am still responsible for what I do. I even went on a diet! I have lost thirty two pounds sonce December, so Iam feeling more spry and good about myself. I wasn't that big, I was at 212 lbs, but I felt that I could bring it down. Like you, being separated is a good thing too. I no longer feel like that I have to walk on egg shells, no am I no longer having to watch what I say.
Do you REALLY want to stop this divorce? Think hard...

You seem like a really nice guy with a lot to offer. Your wife sounds like she has some serious issues, not with just you but with herself. She can't give to you until she can deal with herself. You are still young and can move on and make a better life for yourself. Why cling to someone who clearly doesn't want you? You can't change her but you can forge ahead and make a life for yourself, even without her.

Get back that CJ from your wife and go wheeling and clear your head. You can and will do better.
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Change the way you've lived for so long
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:33 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

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Originally Posted by Freak On a Leash View Post
Remmons,

Remember writing this?



Do you REALLY want to stop this divorce? Think hard...

You seem like a really nice guy with a lot to offer. Your wife sounds like she has some serious issues, not with just you but with herself. She can't give to you until she can deal with herself. You are still young and can move on and make a better life for yourself. Why cling to someone who clearly doesn't want you? You can't change her but you can forge ahead and make a life for yourself, even without her.

Get back that CJ from your wife and go wheeling and clear your head. You can and will do better.
I do remember writing that. I guess that this lonliness is starting to get to me.

Her family all tell me to hold on to her, fight the divorce, she has always found the easy way out, and she has gotten use to this M/O. Maybe after I sleep on this for a few nights I can learn to let go.......I will give your thoughts some further thought....
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Old 03-01-2011, 10:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

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I do remember writing that. I guess that this loneliness is starting to get to me.

Her family all tell me to hold on to her, fight the divorce, she has always found the easy way out, and she has gotten use to this M/O. Maybe after I sleep on this for a few nights I can learn to let go.......I will give your thoughts some further thought....
Sounds like everyone is trying to prove a point or teach this woman a lesson. That's all fine and dandy but what do YOU want? Ok, so let her family take her in and deal with her if that's what THEY want.

If the woman wants a divorce so badly do you really want to be with her? Isn't that a recipe for disaster? Especially since part of you likes being on your own.

You'll get over being alone if that is what you truly want. There's something to be said for peace and contentment. My advice? Make yourself happy and do what what's good for you.
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D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
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Old 03-02-2011, 11:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

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Sounds like everyone is trying to prove a point or teach this woman a lesson. That's all fine and dandy but what do YOU want? Ok, so let her family take her in and deal with her if that's what THEY want.

If the woman wants a divorce so badly do you really want to be with her? Isn't that a recipe for disaster? Especially since part of you likes being on your own.

You'll get over being alone if that is what you truly want. There's something to be said for peace and contentment. My advice? Make yourself happy and do what what's good for you.
Since she only knows this path in life, she will never know a better way of life. She will not let go of the past, she has to constantly live in misery. I doubt that she even knows what she want out of life.

I am afraid for her kids and our daughter. They see what she is doing so they will think that this will be "normal" behavior. I know that these girls of hers will fail in their relationships too, for their mother is the same as their grand mother and their aunts. I have already witnesses some of the same traits in two of her girls as their mother. I was hoping to break that cycle, this was what her family wanted, someone who could provide stability in their life. I am afraid that the next guy she meets will end up the same way as me and her two last ex's, she has developed quite the pattern. Maybe she will recognize this before it is too late.

One of my biggest concerns is about the safety of the kids. She had severe post-partum depression back in 1999, after the birth of her fourth girl. She made a frantic call to her father and step-mother, telling them to come get her four girls before she drowned them in the bath tub. This was not her only incident. This also happened after the birth of her first girl back in 1994. Her parents had to take away her daughter because of certain "issues".

I was set out on a mission to save her from herself and her self-destructive behaviors, but I am realizing that I am not the one capable, or qualified, to do that. She is in need of some serious professional help. I told our Bishop, and my therapist that she needed someone a little more specialized.

I will let go of her, but I will fight her on some of the personal property. She wants to keep the old 1965 Jeep, all of the power tools including the drill press, table saw, grinders, and all other hand and power tools. She also wants to keep all of the lawn and riding mowers, the rototiller, and all other yard power equipment. Her brother has no idea as to why she wants to keep them, other than for keeping control of my livelihood. She is losing control of part of her world, so I feel that she is grasping for anything that she can keep a hold of.

I will decide to follow through with the divorce, but I will not go down without a fight. I love her still, and I forgive her for everything that she has done, but I will no longer remain dangling at the end of the rope like a carrot being led on by false hopes. I will let her family and friends deal with her. Maybe someday, they will be able to "wake her up" to reality, before it bites her in the butt and takes a chunk of hide off.
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any ways to STOP a divorce?

Wow, did you know all this about her when you married her?

Damn, I can't believe you even entertained going back to that trainwreck. No amount of loneliness is worth going back to living with someone like that!

Seriously, best to leave her to herself and her family..and get yourself the best damn attorney you can afford to fight for your child and get a proper settlement on you property.

Your life is too short to invest any more of your time, money and energy into this woman.
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D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
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