I hope I can find someone to help me out here, and hopefully not judge me.
I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now. I knew he looked at porn magazines before we got together, but now that we are married, I feel he should be lusting over me only.
Once my husband discovered free internet porn, it was on! Every chance he gets at work (he drives around all day) when he can get a wireless connection to his laptop, and even at home when I am in the next room. He has HUNDREDS of saved pictures and videos now.
I feel it is emotional cheating, even though our sex life is good. (I go through the motions and act aroused, but all I can think about is if he's imagining me as someone else)
I am extremely depressed about this, and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and defensive. At one time he put a profile on a site for 1 on 1 sex, but told me when I found it that he was just trying to get pictures. He realized it was wrong and apologized. I even tested him with a fake myspace profile, and even though he would talk dirty with this girl (extremely graphic, made me physically ill) he told her he wasn't interested in meeting her.
I feel alone. I am home all day with our 2 kids, while he is at work looking at this stuff instead of calling me to say hi or maybe send me a naughty email?!? Am I not attractive or desireable enough to want to talk dirty with? I feel undesireable and ugly, no matter how many times he tells me hes attracted to me and I turn him on.
I tried taking some pictures of myself, even some videos for him to look at on his laptop, but spy software has shown me he does not even open the files, he hasn't since I put them on there.
He promised he wouldnt look at it at work and he lied.
I am considering separation. I love this man with all my heart and soul, he is my soul mate, but I can't live this way. I am taking out my hurt on my kids, pushing them away and telling them to go play, so I can sit and try and figure out how to cope with the hurt and dissapointment. He knows it hurts me to no end, but says every guy does it and there's nothing wrong with it, and he won't stop "casually surfing".
I want to tell him "If I leave, and you still insist on looking at porn instead of trying to fix our relationship, it's over"
I have never spoke about this to anyone. I need help so badly. I am so broken, so hurt. I can't stop crying about it, and it consumes my mind every day. Someone please help me, I don't want to separate, but I want him to understand that this is a serious problem for me, and it hurts so bad I am willing to leave.
Please someone give me some advice!
PS. He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??
The loss of self esteem you are feeling is not unusual. It can be hard for many (men and women) to feel loved and respected when their spouse appears to show more interest in porn than the one they should be desiring. I will spare everyone my standard rant as I just posted it again yesterday. Your husband is completely in the wrong here, he is doing something that is hurting you and not taking your needs/wants into account. He won’t discuss it rationally and only gets angry and defensive when you bring it up. This indicates he may feel guilt about his actions. If he is engaging in this activity on company time he could lose his job because of it. As I suggested to a poster yesterday you might want to try writing him a letter to more deeply explain why this hurts you. Write it so you are not attacking his behavior but trying to let him know how this makes you feel. Explain it to him calmly and try to let his empathy for you emerge. Let him know you would like to set a time where the two of you can spend some time together to further discuss this calmly as a couple. Good luck
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Your husband has an addiction and is in denial about it. Some can look at porn and take it or leave it. Others become consumed by it. If it is troubling your marriage and he knows this, is doing this at work, in transit, wherever, it is clearly addictive behavior. It is not allowed in my household because my husband has had some of those same struggles in the past. If you cannot get him to go to counseling, you need to go for yourself. You need to rebuild your self-esteem and find constructive ways to set boundaries.
He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??
I completely agree with you. Disrespecting your feelings is a BIG problem within your marriage. If he believes he doesn't have a problem, meaning he doesn't think it's an addiction or anything wrong with it and you should just deal with it, it may be hard to convince him otherwise.
Have you suggested marriage counseling or just individual for him? If individual, maybe try suggesting marriage counseling...you don't even have to bring up porn, but that you are feeling unhappy within the marriage and want to work on it. I really think if you can get him in the door, hearing how you feel with a third party present might be the only thing that opens his eyes (a point of view outside of the marriage)
The one condition i had when i found out my H was always looking at porn was that he go to counseling and stop looking at porn. If he didnt agree to that I couldnt stay.
Personally, I dont think you should stay if he wont try to get help. And i dont think you should try and make him. If he doesnt want to do it on his own, then i think you should leave. You deserve better.
Please I need someone to talk to about this
Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this
