Please I need someone to talk to about this
I hope I can find someone to help me out here, and hopefully not judge me.
I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now. I knew he looked at porn magazines before we got together, but now that we are married, I feel he should be lusting over me only.
Once my husband discovered free internet porn, it was on! Every chance he gets at work (he drives around all day) when he can get a wireless connection to his laptop, and even at home when I am in the next room. He has HUNDREDS of saved pictures and videos now.
I feel it is emotional cheating, even though our sex life is good. (I go through the motions and act aroused, but all I can think about is if he's imagining me as someone else)
I am extremely depressed about this, and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and defensive. At one time he put a profile on a site for 1 on 1 sex, but told me when I found it that he was just trying to get pictures. He realized it was wrong and apologized. I even tested him with a fake myspace profile, and even though he would talk dirty with this girl (extremely graphic, made me physically ill) he told her he wasn't interested in meeting her.
I feel alone. I am home all day with our 2 kids, while he is at work looking at this stuff instead of calling me to say hi or maybe send me a naughty email?!? Am I not attractive or desireable enough to want to talk dirty with? I feel undesireable and ugly, no matter how many times he tells me hes attracted to me and I turn him on.
I tried taking some pictures of myself, even some videos for him to look at on his laptop, but spy software has shown me he does not even open the files, he hasn't since I put them on there.
He promised he wouldnt look at it at work and he lied.
I am considering separation. I love this man with all my heart and soul, he is my soul mate, but I can't live this way. I am taking out my hurt on my kids, pushing them away and telling them to go play, so I can sit and try and figure out how to cope with the hurt and dissapointment. He knows it hurts me to no end, but says every guy does it and there's nothing wrong with it, and he won't stop "casually surfing".
I want to tell him "If I leave, and you still insist on looking at porn instead of trying to fix our relationship, it's over"
I have never spoke about this to anyone. I need help so badly. I am so broken, so hurt. I can't stop crying about it, and it consumes my mind every day. Someone please help me, I don't want to separate, but I want him to understand that this is a serious problem for me, and it hurts so bad I am willing to leave.
Please someone give me some advice!
PS. He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??