Please I need someone to talk to about this
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 09-10-2008, 10:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Please I need someone to talk to about this

I hope I can find someone to help me out here, and hopefully not judge me.
I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now. I knew he looked at porn magazines before we got together, but now that we are married, I feel he should be lusting over me only.
Once my husband discovered free internet porn, it was on! Every chance he gets at work (he drives around all day) when he can get a wireless connection to his laptop, and even at home when I am in the next room. He has HUNDREDS of saved pictures and videos now.
I feel it is emotional cheating, even though our sex life is good. (I go through the motions and act aroused, but all I can think about is if he's imagining me as someone else)
I am extremely depressed about this, and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and defensive. At one time he put a profile on a site for 1 on 1 sex, but told me when I found it that he was just trying to get pictures. He realized it was wrong and apologized. I even tested him with a fake myspace profile, and even though he would talk dirty with this girl (extremely graphic, made me physically ill) he told her he wasn't interested in meeting her.
I feel alone. I am home all day with our 2 kids, while he is at work looking at this stuff instead of calling me to say hi or maybe send me a naughty email?!? Am I not attractive or desireable enough to want to talk dirty with? I feel undesireable and ugly, no matter how many times he tells me hes attracted to me and I turn him on.
I tried taking some pictures of myself, even some videos for him to look at on his laptop, but spy software has shown me he does not even open the files, he hasn't since I put them on there.
He promised he wouldnt look at it at work and he lied.
I am considering separation. I love this man with all my heart and soul, he is my soul mate, but I can't live this way. I am taking out my hurt on my kids, pushing them away and telling them to go play, so I can sit and try and figure out how to cope with the hurt and dissapointment. He knows it hurts me to no end, but says every guy does it and there's nothing wrong with it, and he won't stop "casually surfing".
I want to tell him "If I leave, and you still insist on looking at porn instead of trying to fix our relationship, it's over"

I have never spoke about this to anyone. I need help so badly. I am so broken, so hurt. I can't stop crying about it, and it consumes my mind every day. Someone please help me, I don't want to separate, but I want him to understand that this is a serious problem for me, and it hurts so bad I am willing to leave.
Please someone give me some advice!

PS. He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??
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Old 09-10-2008, 11:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

The loss of self esteem you are feeling is not unusual. It can be hard for many (men and women) to feel loved and respected when their spouse appears to show more interest in porn than the one they should be desiring. I will spare everyone my standard rant as I just posted it again yesterday. Your husband is completely in the wrong here, he is doing something that is hurting you and not taking your needs/wants into account. He won’t discuss it rationally and only gets angry and defensive when you bring it up. This indicates he may feel guilt about his actions. If he is engaging in this activity on company time he could lose his job because of it. As I suggested to a poster yesterday you might want to try writing him a letter to more deeply explain why this hurts you. Write it so you are not attacking his behavior but trying to let him know how this makes you feel. Explain it to him calmly and try to let his empathy for you emerge. Let him know you would like to set a time where the two of you can spend some time together to further discuss this calmly as a couple. Good luck
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Old 09-10-2008, 11:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

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Originally Posted by lsjinkins View Post
He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??
I completely agree with you. Disrespecting your feelings is a BIG problem within your marriage. If he believes he doesn't have a problem, meaning he doesn't think it's an addiction or anything wrong with it and you should just deal with it, it may be hard to convince him otherwise.

Have you suggested marriage counseling or just individual for him? If individual, maybe try suggesting marriage counseling...you don't even have to bring up porn, but that you are feeling unhappy within the marriage and want to work on it. I really think if you can get him in the door, hearing how you feel with a third party present might be the only thing that opens his eyes (a point of view outside of the marriage)
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Old 09-10-2008, 04:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

The one condition i had when i found out my H was always looking at porn was that he go to counseling and stop looking at porn. If he didnt agree to that I couldnt stay.

Personally, I dont think you should stay if he wont try to get help. And i dont think you should try and make him. If he doesnt want to do it on his own, then i think you should leave. You deserve better.
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Old 09-10-2008, 04:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

As I agree with the above posts, I don't have much more to offer other then use communications to set down boundries in your marriage.

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Old 07-26-2009, 10:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Unhappy Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

I just want to give you some advice, but I also want to let you know I am and have been in your exact same situation for about 10 years. I am a married mother of two.

My husband has been looking at porn since puberty. I knew he did this before we got married and I just said to myself all men look at porn. I felt very hurt just the same. I too wondered if I was ugly, unattractive and doubted myself because of him. I can tell you right now It is not you that is at fault don't start doubting yourself. I was a size 0 and always had men chasing after me. I really was in love with my husband before we got married so I let it slide. But years later and two children later, it has come back to me. We went to therapy and to no avail things were the same. He looked at porn every spare moment he had even as I was changing diapers or taking out the trash, while I was pregnant, he was constantly on the computer. I wanted to leave him many times, but the simple fact of the matter is that I feel like I am nothing without him. I have been on medication for depression for years. Why am I depressed all the time. My husband uses every spare moment to look at other women besides his wife. I think he is mentally sick. When I approach him about the subject he instantly gets defensive and says that I am not attractive to him anymore, I have gained weight or I have wrinkles etc. I live in a huge house and my children have everything they can ever want. I don't want to ruin it for them by leaving him and that is why I have stayed with him for so many years, 9 to be exact. I am too scared to leave him and don't think that I will ever find someone else better than him.

In short I will say that you are not alone and many women are in your shoes. Be strong and don't doubt yourself because he has this problem. I definitely think you should approach him if you know that he will not be violent of course. I don't think that this problem can ever be fully resolved but it can be less severe if you talk about it and try to curb it together. It has gotten less severe for us but I don't think that it will ever be resolved.
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

My Wife and I went through the "porn fights" before we got married. I love sex and want it constantly for love, fun, and stress relief. I can't get enough of sex. It's as good as you and your partner make it.

I admit I looked at porn every now and then for a long time, even being perfectly happy in our relationship and having sex all the time. Very slowly over time I've realized that I'm more sexually attracted to my Wife, to the point where I love when she sends me erotic photos or allows me to take them. Not everyone is like this.

Now I keep a personal stash of porn on my computer -- but it's not of some random Playboy playmate, or a photo of someone else's Wife, it's my Wife and she turns me on with just a thought. I can't say I've completely kicked the porn habit but over the years I've found less and less of the typical porn to be arousing and find the photos our smartphones see to be much more of a turn-on. Plus I think it makes her feel good that I find her that sexy. She might not be Playboy material but she's always the centerfold every time I see her naked.
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Old 08-05-2009, 02:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

Porn is best viewed/enjoyed by a couple together if at all. But, I have no issue with it if my W wanted to look at it, watch men get off, or whatever. As long as its not 'in place of' normal relations. Thats where its an addiction in my opinion. Some look for fun, spice, or just as a substitute when their mate isnt available. Others NEED it for arousal or are addicted to some 'thrill' they get from looking at it. Thats very sad. I would never consider looking at any movie or printed picture even close to as interesting as my naked wife.

As for spouse porn, I think that could be spicy nice fun. Cultivating a 'lust' for your own mate is a good thing.
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Old 08-16-2009, 11:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Smile Re: Please I need someone to talk to about this

Quote:
Originally Posted by lsjinkins View Post
I hope I can find someone to help me out here, and hopefully not judge me.
I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now. I knew he looked at porn magazines before we got together, but now that we are married, I feel he should be lusting over me only.
Once my husband discovered free internet porn, it was on! Every chance he gets at work (he drives around all day) when he can get a wireless connection to his laptop, and even at home when I am in the next room. He has HUNDREDS of saved pictures and videos now.
I feel it is emotional cheating, even though our sex life is good. (I go through the motions and act aroused, but all I can think about is if he's imagining me as someone else)
I am extremely depressed about this, and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and defensive. At one time he put a profile on a site for 1 on 1 sex, but told me when I found it that he was just trying to get pictures. He realized it was wrong and apologized. I even tested him with a fake myspace profile, and even though he would talk dirty with this girl (extremely graphic, made me physically ill) he told her he wasn't interested in meeting her.
I feel alone. I am home all day with our 2 kids, while he is at work looking at this stuff instead of calling me to say hi or maybe send me a naughty email?!? Am I not attractive or desireable enough to want to talk dirty with? I feel undesireable and ugly, no matter how many times he tells me hes attracted to me and I turn him on.
I tried taking some pictures of myself, even some videos for him to look at on his laptop, but spy software has shown me he does not even open the files, he hasn't since I put them on there.
He promised he wouldnt look at it at work and he lied.
I am considering separation. I love this man with all my heart and soul, he is my soul mate, but I can't live this way. I am taking out my hurt on my kids, pushing them away and telling them to go play, so I can sit and try and figure out how to cope with the hurt and dissapointment. He knows it hurts me to no end, but says every guy does it and there's nothing wrong with it, and he won't stop "casually surfing".
I want to tell him "If I leave, and you still insist on looking at porn instead of trying to fix our relationship, it's over"

I have never spoke about this to anyone. I need help so badly. I am so broken, so hurt. I can't stop crying about it, and it consumes my mind every day. Someone please help me, I don't want to separate, but I want him to understand that this is a serious problem for me, and it hurts so bad I am willing to leave.
Please someone give me some advice!

PS. He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??
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