Is marriage pointless?
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Old 03-07-2011, 07:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is marriage pointless?

Is marriage really worth all the pain and suffering? Are the few fantastic moments really worth all the horrible fights and miscommunications?

If it's bad now, will it ever get better?

Am I the only one with a relationship with two people that just can't get on the same page and can't see eye to eye? We have everything, but we can't communicate. We've tried counseling and we've read a million books. Nothing helps.

Why would someone want to put themselves through this?

Why not just date someone for a few years until you both get sick and tired of each other, then shake hands and move on to the next?

I just feel like all this isn't worth it. Does anyone agree?
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Old 03-07-2011, 07:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

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Originally Posted by Confused-Wife View Post
Is marriage really worth all the pain and suffering? Are the few fantastic moments really worth all the horrible fights and miscommunications?

Why not just date someone for a few years until you both get sick and tired of each other, then shake hands and move on to the next?
I think there is too much emphasis on staying together for the sake of staying. I really think the emphasis of any relationship should be on healing, maturing, and becoming a better person. I watched an interview with Eckhart Tolle and he said he would stay with his girl until neither of them contributed to each other's growth anymore. I've read his book and I found it extremely helpful with my perspective on the pain of marriage, and life in general.
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Old 03-07-2011, 09:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

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Originally Posted by Confused-Wife View Post
Is marriage really worth all the pain and suffering? Are the few fantastic moments really worth all the horrible fights and miscommunications?
I'm just answering from my own perspective:

No, it's not. No freakin' way.

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If it's bad now, will it ever get better?
I doubt it.

Quote:
Am I the only one with a relationship with two people that just can't get on the same page and can't see eye to eye?
No, you're not.


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Why would someone want to put themselves through this?
Naivete? A sense that this is the way you are supposed to do things? Especially when you are younger? Then you get used to being in this situation? Masochism?

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Why not just date someone for a few years until you both get sick and tired of each other, then shake hands and move on to the next?
Sounds like a plan to me!

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I just feel like all this isn't worth it. Does anyone agree?
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

I was wondering the same thing today. You are so not alone.
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

Go Freak! count me in on the pointless side... I'm a two time loser in this game.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

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Go Freak! count me in on the pointless side... I'm a two time loser in this game.
Third time is NOT the charm!! Stay single and love life!

I'm almost a two time loser. My first relationship lasted 7 years and ended six weeks before our scheduled wedding. The invitations were all addressed and sitting on the table to be mailed when we called it off..so it was *almost* a marriage. Damn close.

Now I got this one crumbling away after 20 years.

No way am I spending the last half of my life wasting what's life on a "committed relationship". If I think about doing so, please have me committed.
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

I've seen alot higher percentage of happy marriages from couples without children than vice versa. These couples still go out alot together, try to bring romance to their relationships, and there's enough freedom to also pursue hobbies and maintain outside friendships.

Children are special and being a father/mother can be very rewarding, but kids bring so much stress/financial strain/havoc to a relationship and then when the relationship should probably dissolve, it can't because the kids' interest are now the most important. And it seems nothing throws a bucket of water on the romantic flame like having to tend to crying/hyper/needy young children all day. Date nights are still possible, but they're not nearly as spontaneous. Everything has to be planned, babysitters are expensive, and the minute you're home from your date you step right back into mom/dad role.
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

Hoopsfan hit the nail on the head with the kid factor. They are rewarding but very stressful and expensive to deal with. I hear folks all the time suggest having date nights with the spouse to keep the spark going and what not but try finding the energy, time, and $$$ to do that after PTA meetings, daycare bills, spending on lunch money and field trips, and working with Jr. on his science project. And when the relationship has run its course, you're stuck in a marriage that's DOA, in fear of how a split will affect the kids and your wallet. Not an enviable position to be in...
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

Being someone coming out of a relationship trainwreck, and now trying to build a real relationship with real communication (with the same person from the trainwreck) I am hoping it's worth it to go forward. Granted it has been only 2 weeks, but it's amazing how different it is already! I actually feel like HE is also trying for the first time. I am also trying completely different things for the first time. Now it's not perfect, not the same passion as when we first met, but ... the point this time is a little different. We already know we can have the passion, this time we are willing to put in the work so that passion isn't all there is (neither of us think that passion alone can sustain a long standing relationship and hopefull marriage)

We have started again with JUST basics. Lots of big issues, but this time they are being put aside till we learn communication. We will see if with communication we can fix the big issues, no guarantees, but we never tried THAT before LMAO

I refuse to think it's not worth it (but then I refuse to believe in perfection either so maybe that's my trick to optimism LOL being a pessimist HAAAAAAAA)
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Old 03-08-2011, 01:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

It is worth pain and hearthache if it works.

I think sometimes its not possible for two people depending on personality, values, willingness to make it work, and whatever else.
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Old 03-08-2011, 01:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

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Originally Posted by Confused-Wife View Post
Am I the only one with a relationship with two people that just can't get on the same page and can't see eye to eye?
It almost seems that your situation is the majority. I would say, no, alas, you are not alone. BUT it IS possible to have a good marriage. I would be curious to know what you mean by "can't communicate". One observation I have about many marriages I see that indicate this is that each party is trying so hard to get THEIR point across, to BE UNDERSTOOD, when in reality the vast majority of effort must in in trying to UNDERSTAND. I don't know if that is your scene.
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Old 03-08-2011, 02:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

I don't think marriage is pointless. I think it can be wonderful if you're in it with the right person, and you're both putting forth the effort to make it great. And I think some people (and I'm not saying you, or anyone else in here, is one of them) give up way too easily. They have one fight and say "oh, that's it, we're incompatible, let's get divorced!"

There's going to be a little pain with marriage and love; there's a little pain with anything that's worth having.
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Old 03-08-2011, 05:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is marriage pointless?

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Originally Posted by HoopsFan View Post
I've seen alot higher percentage of happy marriages from couples without children than vice versa. These couples still go out alot together, try to bring romance to their relationships, and there's enough freedom to also pursue hobbies and maintain outside friendships.

Children are special and being a father/mother can be very rewarding, but kids bring so much stress/financial strain/havoc to a relationship and then when the relationship should probably dissolve, it can't because the kids' interest are now the most important. And it seems nothing throws a bucket of water on the romantic flame like having to tend to crying/hyper/needy young children all day. Date nights are still possible, but they're not nearly as spontaneous. Everything has to be planned, babysitters are expensive, and the minute you're home from your date you step right back into mom/dad role.
I agree completely. I love my kids to death but I did NOT adjust well to having young children. It made a shaky marriage worse having them and my husband was pretty much the primary caretaker for a good portion of my kid's early childhoods. I just couldn't hack it. I'm not proud of it and my actions 10 years ago are what's fueling my husband's actions and feelings of resentment now.

For a few years we had a brief period where we could get away from the kids and things got a LOT better. I was eagerly looking forward to doing some overnighters as well. We got a few in and now just when that was starting to happen the marriage fell part. Go figure.

Now my husband says we should just "hang out together" and he's "tired" of the running around we used to do (kayaking every weekend or bar hopping, etc)..we should just "enjoy each other's company" and "stay home". What's my reaction? "We sat around in the house for 15 years and there's no way I'm going to do again until I'm too old to do ANYTHING". So we are at an impasse. I'm not sitting home on weekends and he wants to do just that. End of story.

Not to mention the financial pressures of having kids..I won't even go there.

It's not an easy decision but I'm firmly convinced that 1). I was never cut out to be married and 2). As much as I love and enjoy my kids now that they are older (16 and 13) I was never cut out to have young 'uns wither. I should've remained single.
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