Hi, new member but I have been reading threads on this site for a few months now. I finally decided to register and post my own thread/story because I am stuck and just need some good advice on how to proceed with my situation.
I met my wife in December of 2009, and we hit it off great right away. We are both 29 years old, never married before and no kids. We spent almost every day together after our first date. I ended up moving into her apartment after only a couple of months and by May we were engaged. By June, married. We didnt tell anyone the day we got married, just went ahead and did it which did not sit well with my family but they seemed to get over it in some time and really wanted and tried to accept her into our family. Her family didnt seem to care at all, but she isnt nearly as close with hers as I am with mine. They also live out of state. It wasnt like me to do something like this so quickly, and to do something like that to my family since I am very close to them still makes me feel bad. I was very attached to her though, and nothing else at the time seemed to matter including family and friends. Although, the day we got married I knew something wasnt right, feeling in my gut that I made a mistake.
To start with some issues....before we got married, or even engaged for that matter, I warned her of some debt that I had which included credit card, mortgage, a truck, and school loans. I wanted to let her know, so she wasnt surprised when we got serious as I dont believe that would be fair. She told me the night after I told her of my situation, that is wasnt a big deal and that we would handle it together. She was sweet about it and I thought sincere, so I felt ok moving forward. That was April 2010, so fast forward to May.....she had the chance to get some 0% credit cards to transfer the balance from my credit cards over so we can pay the debt down quickly. I told her I didnt want her to do this but she insisted and I didnt have much say in it so I let her go ahead with it. Never was my intention to unload my debt on her or anyone else as she now thinks. This was where everything started to go to ****........
We started to have daily fights regarding money, she would constantly put me down telling me how irresponsible I am with money and how she can never trust me around money or any serious decision making that will ever come up regarding us. She demanded that she take full control over all of the finances which I agreed to since she seemed to have a better handle on it. This led to more battles with me, how I now dont contribute anything towards the finance planning, budgeting, etc....
If I went out to the store, and came home with any extra items even if it was $3 over what she planned the cost she would blow up in a rage. I think the worst fight regarding money we had, was an old cell phone bill that I needed to pay off since we were combining our cell accounts together and I had to make good on the old one before I could open a new with ATT. Well, I was renting my condo out at the time I was living with her, and the ATT bills were going to my old mailbox when they should've been routed to her place so I didnt see the bills right away. My mistake I know, being as I should've checked after not seeing them for a while but I was rarely using my personal phone at the time. So, I call the ATT rep and he tells me I have a balance but I was at work and could not deal with sitting on the phone with them and being routed around for 30 until later that night. At this time my wife and I had a joint account set up for paying bills, so after I hung up with ATT I called her at work to let her know that there was going to be a charge coming from the joint account to cover this expense that I owed from a month or so back. She was calm and sweet on the phone, and said that she had a few minutes and that she would just go ahead and call ATT and take care of it using our account and to not worry about doing it when I got home. Well, within 10 minutes of hanging up with her I received a barrage of emails and texts telling me how I am nothing but a failure with bills/finances, and how can I take care of myself if I cant even handle a $200 ATT bill, how can I do my job, etc....and how she doesnt think she can be with me anymore (which was a threat used by her many times when she wanted her way).
Just FYI, I have a good job with a good company and make a decent living. Just so nobody thinks I was a deadbeat husband sticking her with all of the responsibilities. I have a college degree in business which I completed while working full time and planning on going back for a masters degree at some point soon. I am not lazy, I am ambitious and I consider myself successful so far.
I tried to call her immediately after the first few texts regarding this ATT bill, but she wouldnt answer but would only respond by text or nasty email replies. She then replied saying that she didnt want to come home for a month, to which I talked her into coming home that night after a lot of persuading. Even then, she went out to a bar after work and got hammered and once she got back around 9pm or so she got on the phone with me from the time she got off the train to her apartment and screamed at me at full volume on her phone while walking through the streets of Chicago. When she actually got home, she grabbed a bottle of whiskey as she was screaming and swearing at me in her apartment and just wanted to drink herself unconscious. I eventually talked her out of this, but these have been the kind of fights that we have had over the past year.
Money is what started the original fighting, but these fights also eventually included the subject of my family. I grew up in the Chicago area, this is my home and my family is here. She was born out of the country, and moved to the states when she was 10. She grew up most of her life on the West coast and moved to the Midwest for college a few years ago. She is very smart and very educated, and takes it very seriously. We have similar jobs, and make about the same money. She is very open about hating the Midwest, not only for the weather but the people as well. For that matter, she hates the US all together.
My family moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago, so for a while when I was single I was going to see them a lot as I am very close to them. I would spend a weekend with them and just relax. They now live in a small town just over the boarder in Wisconsin. I took her with me a few times to their house, and she absolutely hates their town and their house (take note that they have a brand new large beautiful house that they built, not some shack in the woods). She cant stand my younger brother for reasons that dont make sense anymore, and she also cant stand my mother. My mother is a very emotional person, and was very happy to welcome her into the family to which my wife really didnt have much interest in becoming close to them. They are warm, give hugs, say they care about you and love you and the wife wasnt raised this way and it makes her feel uncomfortable. Her family is cold and not close like mine.
She hasnt been there in going on a year now, and has no plans to go back. I have been there maybe two times to see my family in the last year because even if I go up without her I get into a raging fight with her and a guilt trip. The last time I made mention of going to see my family and that I miss them, she exploded at me saying that I am inconsiderate by saying that since my family lives only an hour and a half away and hers is 2000 miles away and I dont take into effect her feelings since it is easier for me to make contact with them. I am basically punished because I grew up here, and she makes me feel like I should see family on her time as often as she sees hers which is maybe once a year at best. She has never spoken highly of her family, so I dont understand why I was getting this treatment.
While drunk, she has made comments saying how much easier it would be if she married into another family, how my family is full of just ******* losers, and how my parents are going to be poor and end up on welfare soon (they are going through some financial issues with my fathers business at the moment). My father is a very smart guy, who started his business from the ground up and has hit a rough point in his life while trying to retire. The last thing that he wanted to ever do was ask his kids for help financially, but he has had no choice in the last couple of years and I help him when I can. This is unacceptable to her. She doesnt like me helping out, and if I do she limits when and how much I can give to them. I feel like I cant even talk to them on the phone with her around, since she gets bent out of shape knowing I am speaking with them. I am fed up with this. I closed our joint account, took the cash and opened my own account and now control my own money so I budget what I want to for expenses and family finances.
The "joint" account had both of our names on it, which she was to open a savings account up and an account for student loan payments. My paychecks were routed to the expense account, while hers to the savings account, and both names were supposed to be on the savings account as well. I found out recently that my name was never added to the account, even though i signed all necessary paperwork to make that happen. She just didnt submit. As of now, she hold 100% access to all of our savings, but also the remainder of the debt that she took on back in May.
Also, I knew she was on depression meds when I met her and has been seeing therapists off and on for years, but I didnt think the diagnosis was correct so I asked her to see another therapist a few months ago. She would be sweet with me one minute, then 2 minutes later fly off the handle at me and a war would break out over nothing. She would also go to sleep fine, then wake up and be a completely different person with me, then go to work and come home another person. This happened daily for months and it really drained me. Most of the time she was mad about something, and would say nasty mean things to me which would upset me sometimes to tears. She has just recently seen a new therapist, and they are leaning towards her having borderline personality disorder. She is also suicidal, as I have caught her a couple of times trying to hurt herself in the past few months, most recent was last weekend. This usually happens right after her rage sessions and during or after a fight.
I think the real kicker for me, and what has bothered me the most, is that I just layed down and took all of her verbal and emotional abuse (and small amount of physical) for the first few months of our relationship. There were some inexcusable things said to me and about me and people related to me, and I didnt fight back because I didnt want the conflict. I loved her dearly, and I hated the thought of fighting and saying something to her I knew I would regret out of anger. It wasnt until recently that I started to fight back because I just couldnt take it anymore. I adored her, but she just beat me down emotionally into what I am today. I dont feel like I know who I am anymore. I was never completely happy with myself and self esteem was never high, but I have hit an all time low. I feel like I had a nervous breakdown back in August when I moved her into my condo and I have just been lathargic and emotionally detached ever since.
I have negleted friends and family, to which she has also used that against me saying I have nobody now for support.
I have talked to a couple of lawyers, and both have said to get it over with as it doesnt sound like something that can be saved. She has threatened a few times now to leave, and each time I get upset and stop her from leaving, knowing she wont come back. She now lives in my condo, and I have thrown all of my furniture out so we could bring hers in when we moved back there last August. It is tough, since I would have to furnish my whole place and just start all over. I have been hanging on to her, even though I am not happy but it feels like it is easier to just keep it where it is at right now rather than dealing with her leaving and moving everything out and starting all over again. I dont know why I am so attached anymore. I am really angry at her for what has happened in the past few months, and I dont really feel like I want to reconcile and MC is not an option anymore. My family and friends now cannot stand her as well since they think she is trying to isolate me from them, but she doesnt give a ****. I dont know if I am afraid to be alone or what. I hated the dating world, and wasnt much of a success with women so maybe I just think that hanging on is easier. She is attractive, and will have no issues finding guys, but I feel like I will have a hard time dating again.
Call me crazy, but one of the things that I worry about is knowing she is with another guy and happy with someone else. I dont know why I think about this or why I should care anymore, but I dont think it is because I would miss her but only because she would be happy and I picture myself sinking back into a dating rut I was in before and being unhappy again because I feel so down on myself.
I do fantasize about being single again, and what it would feel like to not have to answer to anyone anymore and it feels good and makes me feel confident. I feel like I should expect her to leave and not be surprised due to her threats and our issues, but every time she threatens and tries it still feels like I am being punched in the gut and it hurts. Should I just let her leave and deal with it and it will get better in time?? Should I tell her to go?? I have been through breakups before, many, but I dont take them all that well and no other relationship has ever gone to this level of committment or had this amount of issues.
I dont know, I really dont anymore.
What do you all think about this? Does anyone have any advice for me? I could really use some. She has one foot out the door and I am really looking for some advice and maybe some good ways to cope.
Sorry, I am rambling through this. Really, I could write pages and pages and pages of stuff...this is only the smallest tip of what is going on.
Can anyone pull any thoughts from my ramblings??
Thank you all for reading.
I met my wife in December of 2009, and we hit it off great right away. We are both 29 years old, never married before and no kids. We spent almost every day together after our first date. I ended up moving into her apartment after only a couple of months and by May we were engaged. By June, married. We didnt tell anyone the day we got married, just went ahead and did it which did not sit well with my family but they seemed to get over it in some time and really wanted and tried to accept her into our family. Her family didnt seem to care at all, but she isnt nearly as close with hers as I am with mine. They also live out of state. It wasnt like me to do something like this so quickly, and to do something like that to my family since I am very close to them still makes me feel bad. I was very attached to her though, and nothing else at the time seemed to matter including family and friends. Although, the day we got married I knew something wasnt right, feeling in my gut that I made a mistake.
To start with some issues....before we got married, or even engaged for that matter, I warned her of some debt that I had which included credit card, mortgage, a truck, and school loans. I wanted to let her know, so she wasnt surprised when we got serious as I dont believe that would be fair. She told me the night after I told her of my situation, that is wasnt a big deal and that we would handle it together. She was sweet about it and I thought sincere, so I felt ok moving forward. That was April 2010, so fast forward to May.....she had the chance to get some 0% credit cards to transfer the balance from my credit cards over so we can pay the debt down quickly. I told her I didnt want her to do this but she insisted and I didnt have much say in it so I let her go ahead with it. Never was my intention to unload my debt on her or anyone else as she now thinks. This was where everything started to go to ****........
We started to have daily fights regarding money, she would constantly put me down telling me how irresponsible I am with money and how she can never trust me around money or any serious decision making that will ever come up regarding us. She demanded that she take full control over all of the finances which I agreed to since she seemed to have a better handle on it. This led to more battles with me, how I now dont contribute anything towards the finance planning, budgeting, etc....
If I went out to the store, and came home with any extra items even if it was $3 over what she planned the cost she would blow up in a rage. I think the worst fight regarding money we had, was an old cell phone bill that I needed to pay off since we were combining our cell accounts together and I had to make good on the old one before I could open a new with ATT. Well, I was renting my condo out at the time I was living with her, and the ATT bills were going to my old mailbox when they should've been routed to her place so I didnt see the bills right away. My mistake I know, being as I should've checked after not seeing them for a while but I was rarely using my personal phone at the time. So, I call the ATT rep and he tells me I have a balance but I was at work and could not deal with sitting on the phone with them and being routed around for 30 until later that night. At this time my wife and I had a joint account set up for paying bills, so after I hung up with ATT I called her at work to let her know that there was going to be a charge coming from the joint account to cover this expense that I owed from a month or so back. She was calm and sweet on the phone, and said that she had a few minutes and that she would just go ahead and call ATT and take care of it using our account and to not worry about doing it when I got home. Well, within 10 minutes of hanging up with her I received a barrage of emails and texts telling me how I am nothing but a failure with bills/finances, and how can I take care of myself if I cant even handle a $200 ATT bill, how can I do my job, etc....and how she doesnt think she can be with me anymore (which was a threat used by her many times when she wanted her way).
Just FYI, I have a good job with a good company and make a decent living. Just so nobody thinks I was a deadbeat husband sticking her with all of the responsibilities. I have a college degree in business which I completed while working full time and planning on going back for a masters degree at some point soon. I am not lazy, I am ambitious and I consider myself successful so far.
I tried to call her immediately after the first few texts regarding this ATT bill, but she wouldnt answer but would only respond by text or nasty email replies. She then replied saying that she didnt want to come home for a month, to which I talked her into coming home that night after a lot of persuading. Even then, she went out to a bar after work and got hammered and once she got back around 9pm or so she got on the phone with me from the time she got off the train to her apartment and screamed at me at full volume on her phone while walking through the streets of Chicago. When she actually got home, she grabbed a bottle of whiskey as she was screaming and swearing at me in her apartment and just wanted to drink herself unconscious. I eventually talked her out of this, but these have been the kind of fights that we have had over the past year.
Money is what started the original fighting, but these fights also eventually included the subject of my family. I grew up in the Chicago area, this is my home and my family is here. She was born out of the country, and moved to the states when she was 10. She grew up most of her life on the West coast and moved to the Midwest for college a few years ago. She is very smart and very educated, and takes it very seriously. We have similar jobs, and make about the same money. She is very open about hating the Midwest, not only for the weather but the people as well. For that matter, she hates the US all together.
My family moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago, so for a while when I was single I was going to see them a lot as I am very close to them. I would spend a weekend with them and just relax. They now live in a small town just over the boarder in Wisconsin. I took her with me a few times to their house, and she absolutely hates their town and their house (take note that they have a brand new large beautiful house that they built, not some shack in the woods). She cant stand my younger brother for reasons that dont make sense anymore, and she also cant stand my mother. My mother is a very emotional person, and was very happy to welcome her into the family to which my wife really didnt have much interest in becoming close to them. They are warm, give hugs, say they care about you and love you and the wife wasnt raised this way and it makes her feel uncomfortable. Her family is cold and not close like mine.
She hasnt been there in going on a year now, and has no plans to go back. I have been there maybe two times to see my family in the last year because even if I go up without her I get into a raging fight with her and a guilt trip. The last time I made mention of going to see my family and that I miss them, she exploded at me saying that I am inconsiderate by saying that since my family lives only an hour and a half away and hers is 2000 miles away and I dont take into effect her feelings since it is easier for me to make contact with them. I am basically punished because I grew up here, and she makes me feel like I should see family on her time as often as she sees hers which is maybe once a year at best. She has never spoken highly of her family, so I dont understand why I was getting this treatment.
While drunk, she has made comments saying how much easier it would be if she married into another family, how my family is full of just ******* losers, and how my parents are going to be poor and end up on welfare soon (they are going through some financial issues with my fathers business at the moment). My father is a very smart guy, who started his business from the ground up and has hit a rough point in his life while trying to retire. The last thing that he wanted to ever do was ask his kids for help financially, but he has had no choice in the last couple of years and I help him when I can. This is unacceptable to her. She doesnt like me helping out, and if I do she limits when and how much I can give to them. I feel like I cant even talk to them on the phone with her around, since she gets bent out of shape knowing I am speaking with them. I am fed up with this. I closed our joint account, took the cash and opened my own account and now control my own money so I budget what I want to for expenses and family finances.
The "joint" account had both of our names on it, which she was to open a savings account up and an account for student loan payments. My paychecks were routed to the expense account, while hers to the savings account, and both names were supposed to be on the savings account as well. I found out recently that my name was never added to the account, even though i signed all necessary paperwork to make that happen. She just didnt submit. As of now, she hold 100% access to all of our savings, but also the remainder of the debt that she took on back in May.
Also, I knew she was on depression meds when I met her and has been seeing therapists off and on for years, but I didnt think the diagnosis was correct so I asked her to see another therapist a few months ago. She would be sweet with me one minute, then 2 minutes later fly off the handle at me and a war would break out over nothing. She would also go to sleep fine, then wake up and be a completely different person with me, then go to work and come home another person. This happened daily for months and it really drained me. Most of the time she was mad about something, and would say nasty mean things to me which would upset me sometimes to tears. She has just recently seen a new therapist, and they are leaning towards her having borderline personality disorder. She is also suicidal, as I have caught her a couple of times trying to hurt herself in the past few months, most recent was last weekend. This usually happens right after her rage sessions and during or after a fight.
I think the real kicker for me, and what has bothered me the most, is that I just layed down and took all of her verbal and emotional abuse (and small amount of physical) for the first few months of our relationship. There were some inexcusable things said to me and about me and people related to me, and I didnt fight back because I didnt want the conflict. I loved her dearly, and I hated the thought of fighting and saying something to her I knew I would regret out of anger. It wasnt until recently that I started to fight back because I just couldnt take it anymore. I adored her, but she just beat me down emotionally into what I am today. I dont feel like I know who I am anymore. I was never completely happy with myself and self esteem was never high, but I have hit an all time low. I feel like I had a nervous breakdown back in August when I moved her into my condo and I have just been lathargic and emotionally detached ever since.
I have negleted friends and family, to which she has also used that against me saying I have nobody now for support.
I have talked to a couple of lawyers, and both have said to get it over with as it doesnt sound like something that can be saved. She has threatened a few times now to leave, and each time I get upset and stop her from leaving, knowing she wont come back. She now lives in my condo, and I have thrown all of my furniture out so we could bring hers in when we moved back there last August. It is tough, since I would have to furnish my whole place and just start all over. I have been hanging on to her, even though I am not happy but it feels like it is easier to just keep it where it is at right now rather than dealing with her leaving and moving everything out and starting all over again. I dont know why I am so attached anymore. I am really angry at her for what has happened in the past few months, and I dont really feel like I want to reconcile and MC is not an option anymore. My family and friends now cannot stand her as well since they think she is trying to isolate me from them, but she doesnt give a ****. I dont know if I am afraid to be alone or what. I hated the dating world, and wasnt much of a success with women so maybe I just think that hanging on is easier. She is attractive, and will have no issues finding guys, but I feel like I will have a hard time dating again.
Call me crazy, but one of the things that I worry about is knowing she is with another guy and happy with someone else. I dont know why I think about this or why I should care anymore, but I dont think it is because I would miss her but only because she would be happy and I picture myself sinking back into a dating rut I was in before and being unhappy again because I feel so down on myself.
I do fantasize about being single again, and what it would feel like to not have to answer to anyone anymore and it feels good and makes me feel confident. I feel like I should expect her to leave and not be surprised due to her threats and our issues, but every time she threatens and tries it still feels like I am being punched in the gut and it hurts. Should I just let her leave and deal with it and it will get better in time?? Should I tell her to go?? I have been through breakups before, many, but I dont take them all that well and no other relationship has ever gone to this level of committment or had this amount of issues.
I dont know, I really dont anymore.
What do you all think about this? Does anyone have any advice for me? I could really use some. She has one foot out the door and I am really looking for some advice and maybe some good ways to cope.
Sorry, I am rambling through this. Really, I could write pages and pages and pages of stuff...this is only the smallest tip of what is going on.
Can anyone pull any thoughts from my ramblings??
Thank you all for reading.