It is great to here that you are feeling hope again. Remember that life is a marathon and not a sprint. Now that you are feeling like heading the right direction, go there!! There will be pitfalls and hurdles, but if you keep focused on God and the things you know are right, you will always be able to get back on track. It is great to hear that your husband supporting you has helped you so much. This is very encouraging to my situation and helps give me strength. It is funny that someone posted that staement about love because just yesterday I was talking to my Mom(who has seen me through many hard times) and she said that "Love is an action, not an emotion". Something you do, not something you feel. Your husband has obviously been "loving you", just try loving him back. The feelings will follow the actions. I wish you and your husband the best and if you do start heading the right direction, try finding a christian counselor that you can go to togther. I called one here Friday and was almost floored by what he said. I just called to find out if they did marriage counseling and if my insurance would cover it. The guy ended up talking to me for about twenty minutes about my situation and his strategy was far differnt than the counselor we are seeing now. He said that he rarely sees clients for more than six weeks and has a plan of action ususally after one or two sessions. The regular counselor we have been seeing says this could take years to resolve and hasn't done anything other than listen to us talk about each other. And get this, he fees are only ten dollars more a session than the co-pay for the other counselor, and insurance may reimburse that! From what I have seen so far, the Christian outlook on marriage and the secular views are polar opposites. Secular says do what make you happy now, and Christian says love no matter what and you will be happy forever. Personally I am sticking with God and I know He will guide me in the right direction, and He will do the same for you. I am starting to ramble now, but trust God, He never fails!!!
md250r- Your message is very encouraging. I will check into Christian Counseling this week. I really like the idea...I feel like it's what I need right now. I am so happy that you have a positive attitude about your situation and are doing everything possible to improve it. You are right about the pitfalls and hurdles.
We went on our date Saturday night and everything was great...we felt that old sense of love we once shared and both made a commitment to a plan to improve our relationship. Everything was good, and I am again living at home.
On Sunday, we had a turn of events. My husband opened my journal to read again what I had written last weekend about our history. He came across a journal entry with another guy's name in it. This was a guy I contacted on MySpace, but nothing ever came of it. I contacted him because I was seeking what I was missing in my relationship with my husband. I never made any propositions...maybe a little flirting...but it was innocent. This only lasted about a week and a half and ended badly with the guy being very rude to me. In my journal, I simply stated that I was upset by the way things ended with us...negatively. I don't like conflict...I would rather have resolution, and I didn't get that. But, I am trying to let go of that. When my husband started changing his ways, I pretty much forgot about this situation. Anyway, we had a long conversation...my husband was shocked and very hurt...he was even brought to tears, which killed me. It looked at me as if it was already over and this made me feel awful. He told me he doesn't want to lose me. He is needing reassurance from me, which I completely understand. I have to prove to him that I am committed to us.
He has forgiven me, but this has put a new burden on our relationship. The idea that I could have an emotional attachment to another guy really bothered him. He is concerned about what our future holds. I told him we can only follow our plan and take it day by day. We can't know our future. I may continue to struggle with these feelings of ambivalence, but I am trying to overcome them.
I think counseling will help me through this...at least I hope it will help. I really want to have those same feelings for my husband, and I did on Saturday...but his doubts in me have made me doubt myself again. I don't want to hurt him again. It is painful for me to see him this way.
I guess I deserve this penance based on what I did. So, I will just have to deal with it. In time, I think it will get better. I just wanted to give you guys an update.
I am so glad you guys are moving forward. This past weekend has been almost surreal to me. I told you about the counselor. My wife and I went with some friends on Saturday to a local winery and took our son, because they had some events, we wnet on a hayride and our son got to stomp grapes and we all had a really good time. On Sunday morning I decided to go to church, but didn't know where. I just picked one I had seen a TV commercial for out of the blue and went. It was the first time in my entire life I have gone somewhere alone in a big group of people that I had absolutely no nervousness or apprehension at all. I have been visiting churches for serveral weeks and even going to any event I have always had "butterflies" just from being in a new place around new people, I think this is pretty much true for anyone. Anyway i sat down for several minutes and all of the sudden my next door neighbor and his wife popped up and gave me the "is that you" look. I didn't even know they went to church there. I ended up sitting with them and feeling really great. Two members of the church reenacted a skit from Saturday Night Live(the ones with Will Ferrell and Cheri O Teri when they were Spartans cheerleaders, that I have always found hysterical) and I was really liking the place and then the message from the pastor was about how God sometimes outs us on detours, in order to either prepare us or keep us from something harmful that we don't see. He ended up using an anolgy about riding motorcylces and told stories about how much he loves to ride. I worked my way through college managing the service dept. at a motorcycle dealership and have had a passion for bikes since i was about 5years old and still own several. I know a lot of people will read this and say that these all all great coincedences and that I saw these thing because I wanted to, but this is just a fraction of the things have been happening over the past week. One of my wife's big issues about us doing things togethr has been not trusting others to watc our son. Well, the neighbors who we have been friends with for the past 5 years run the nursery at the church. On top of all that I talked to my wife Sunday night and she agreed to go to the Christian counselor this thurs. It seems like just as I was getting to the end of my rope God responded and started really opening doors. I would encourage you and your husband to seek a church(I am sure a good Christian Counselor could steer you in the right direction) or just start going. If you go to one and don't feel comfortable try somewhere else, you can always go back, but God is perfect and when you find the right place you will feel like it is perfect too. As for your husbands being upset about seeing the journal, I think the thing that hurts the most is not that you were talking to someone else, but that he feels like you were keepng secrets from him. Ask him if he would like to sit down with you and go through the journal together. Because not only would you benfit from sharing your thoughts with him, but he would benfit from understanding the things you have been feeling. This would be a great way for both of you to gain understanding from one another, and when you have true understanding, fear and anger cannot survive. In a strong marriage there should never be anything that you cannot tell or share with your spouse no matter how personal, dark, or hurtful it may seem. By sharing these thoughts and feelings it will build trust and strength between you both.
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