My wife and I have been fighting for the last I don't know how many years.
I was out of work for a while and it's affected us.
On top of that I was abused as a child and that affects how I view relationships. I don't even know if I know how to "bend" myself to a normal relationship without exposing myself to being taken advantage.
I clench my gut every time I think of giving an inch on any contested topic. It's like I am submitting to something so wrong when I give in and I know for a fact other men walk on a leash held by their spouse.
I'm affraid and I don't know what to do.
I love my 3 children (all under the age of 3) - we had twins. I feel like my wife can never be satisfied.
A little background.
My wife and I were mad for each other at the start of our relationship. We used to have sex all the time and with a lot of fun and enjoyment. Then we got pregnant. We got an abortion and since then she has been distant with me physically.
I understand how and why this can happen but it's been friggen 7 years. we just got married 3 years ago.
Her parents sold their house and because we weren't bringing in the money we've ALL moved in together. Her mother is boreline retarded and I'm not exaggerating.
Her parents started off the whole "Walton's" adventure by telling us we are cooking for them. They are in their 60s and are capable of basically making toast.
There's conflict, strife and aggression abounding.
I don't know what I can do to feel comfortable enough to make her happy without making myself go absolutely insane in the process.
Recently I laid down my fears, vulnerabilities and thoughts concerning my overactive libido and our relationship. She resisted giving any expression of herself or her feelings so that it nearly ended in an argument because she would not participate. I felt I had gone out on a limb. She says she doesn't remember any of that because we were both drinking. I can't remember a time when I actually blacked out but if I did it was from more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine.
I don't know. I feel like she's doing it on purpose but if she's not I'm so off base I don't know where to start to get back in the game.
This seems like the place to air dirty laundry - she's so internet savvy she'll probably find this and confront me about it LOL.
I don't know. I feel like she's doing it on purpose but if she's not I'm so off base I don't know where to start to get back in the game.
WOW you have got A LOT going on.
First things first- get your own place.
Secondly, deal with you and your issues. Go get some counseling. Sounds like you have some pretty serious issues to resolve that are seriously affecting the quality of your experiences with your family. If you work on you first your relationship with everyone in your family will improve.
After you've done the first two things then come back and try to understand your relationship with your wife.
I agree that until you get your own place things will be ackward at best. Maybe living in her parents house has something to do with it. Maybe the abortion was a tramatic experience for her.
your issues are way beyond sex. But dont describe your libido as "overactive" it's just normal.
It sounds like a complete cluster*** in your house but you do have kids to think about. What would be the best for them as well as for you. It's one thing to work on your marriage but you need the other partner to reciprocate also.
It sounds like so much of this happened after the abortion. It is very common for women to feel guilty and shut down emotionally after an abortion. Even if they were too scared to have the baby, they are traumatized to have disposed of it this way. If she feels you at all pushed her into the decision, then she may be resentful. But all of that is only the beginning. 3 little kids so close in age is enough to tire out any woman from wanting sex. She may not be capable of physical or emotional desire as she expends it all on child care. And certainly the stress of in-laws is taking it's toll on you both. And then there's your years of repressed emotions and not knowing how to deal with relationships, so of course there's baggage from that now. A LOT has gone on between the 2 of you and only counselling will let you know if you can recover. Sounds like you are both really hurting and need to find someone to talk to.
A lot did happen after the abortion. To be honest my wife got the abortion because she was afraid of her parent's reaction to the pregnancy. I offered to marry her and make it all good when we first found out. I didn't pressure her about the decision to abort. I told her I'd go along with whatever she chose and that I would be there for her no matter the final outcome. It sounds terrible but we may both have had much better lives if we had seen how we would become later in life.
Just so you all know the dynamic of this household I am the primary care-giver to the children. She's always made more money than I so it fell to me to provide for the kids while she worked. It's all some F'd up parody of the 50s disaffected housewife syndrome.
My son is a hellion. My in-laws say they cannot handle him. I just had to turn down a 55k /yr job because they said they could not watch him and the girls. If money weren't so tight I'd hire a nanny. We have a room for the nanny too (I'd lose my computer room but it would have been well worth it). I bet I could have had the in-laws watch the kids till the money started rolling in. I wish I had thought of that before I turned the job down a week ago. I can't think straight anymore.
My relationship with my wife is better for the moment. We attended a 3 day wedding for a relative of hers. We were not entirely free of the in-laws. About a week before the wedding we had a discussion about birth control. I told her I was fine with condoms and she argued with me that I wasn't happy with them at all. I'm not sure how you continue with a discussion when you tell someone you are ok with something and they are telling you that you are not ok with it.
I can't seem to catch a break.
Getting my own place is out of the question. I don't have the resources to do it and she'd call the cops and say I'd abducted our children.
As the weeks progress I find that I am living in not just a daycare but a nursing home as well. God help me.
Seeing a councilor is out of the question. She's said many times that she feels they are charlatans and she would feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger. One major problem my wife has is massive, life-crushing low self esteem. Well that's what she tells me anyway.
This self esteem issue is the reason she'd rather stay home than go out once in a while. It's really, really tough on me because I'm just the opposite. Back before this relationship got serious I was doing live comedy improvisation in the city. I enjoy getting out. I don't resent the kids or the in-laws or any of that, but I would like to see other human beings. Now it's virtually impossible to even go out by myself or with friends because our budget is so tight.
Did I mention my wife refuses to get her driver's license? I drive her to and from work every day. Up until we moved in with her in-laws I had to pack the kids into the minivan every trip. The work day is a little easier lately since I don't have to pack up the kids four trips a day.
I just wanted more from life than being shackled to these old farts. I know the kids will be out of the house before I know it, but that doesn't ease the pain of dealing with all these claustrophobic in-law eccentricities.
I guess all I'm doing now is just complaining about my life.. that's probably a different forum.
Ok, who is paying for the place? Is it the in-laws or does your wife work and pay some on the pace? If you guys are not helping with bills, than what would it hurt to help cook?
Leave er get a divorce
she doesnt love oy and doesnt care and is only abyusing of oyu TOTALLY.
I am telling oyu, file for divordce get the care of the kids since she is unable and the oldies cant.
you will win since its oyu that do os.
sdo not drive ehr to work any more
get bak your work
giving up oyur work was th eworse thing you could do!
it made you 100% depending on her money and that was a real bad move..
get the oldies out oyur house pronto
its not your problem you are not born to take care of people you do not know
unmable to do more than a toast age 60?
wow!
my mum can cook dinner with 4 dishes for 50 people and she is 85..
You get rid of the wife an doldies and you leave with the kids.
not kkidnap simoy file for divorce and its you who will ge tth ekids cause she does nothing.
her sexual low drive got nothing ot od with the abortion
she wanted it
its a long tiem ago
she had 3 kids since
so thats excluded from the equation.
she dont have a bf at work?
if not she just dont like oyu enough to have sex with oyu.
leave that palce and fast.
dotn stay there
she dont want counseling?
i tell you why': cause hse know that wha tsh edo is totaly unacceptable and wrong and cause she know what a couselor will say and cause she dont want YOU to hear it from a specialist and whats worse cause then She will be into trouble and will ahve to change thigns and come up with explainations..
you share intimate feelign sot her and she didnt returned it and was super hypocrite to you doing like she got a black out or soemthing?
what a jerk!
file for divorce that will shake her up, she takes you for given and abuse of you in all kind of imaginable ways.
you tell her this:
1)i want the oldies out of the house
2) i want us to have a normal sex life again
3) i want oyu to take more responsability in the care of the childrens and deal 50/50
4) and i want you to go get your driving license.
if she say no to one or all of those, then file for divorce.
this circus had been going on for too long now
Why did you married her after the abort if she was already distant from you?
Save your life by ruinnning for oyur life!and in worse she is controling oyu by checking whom you write to online and what..
Oh my God! you are really into deep!
Get back your job, leave that place, file for dicvorce and make sure that you get the kids.
Not that it makes much difference but my wife and I carry the mortgage. my in-laws contributed the money from their house, this sum was larger than our mortgage. We're all in on the house. We're all on the deed.
make a family reunin/meeting and talk all of this out
it cant keep on like htat
why did they sold their house for?
why they didnt keep it?
who decided for them to move in?
you or your wife?
were you ask for real?
were you part of the decision making?
say you cant live like this anymore.
nobody can
you are still oyung try to get your own life.
this isnt good for you its goign nowhere.
you can make lot of cash if you werent forced into taking care of all of them so at the end oyu could have get that mortgage they came with and be happy and without them.
so thats a big cheating game you entered into.
leave while you still can.you cant sell the house now the national economy is to fragiel and house prices are so down it wont do.
But oyu cant stay there and sacrifice your own life for somethign younever chose to live and never wanted to have.
redifine house rules if oyu want to stay.
your wife got to change her attitude completely if not you have no other choice but to leave.
i dont think she got a selfworth issue she is manipulating you grossly, thats what she is doing.
In trouble
