Fault shmalt. Who cares about fault. The question is what are you going to DO about it? I am going to share an opinion here. But first I am going to tell you what I would your husband if he were here. He isn't. But it might be helpful Do not lie to your wife. Let her know who you are in all regards. If you feel that there is nothing wrong with porn, then STAND UP for that point of view and face the rain. Obviously getting caught in lies serves nothing. Work THROUGH the difference, not around it.
Now to you. I would suggest that before you decide on a course of action, you make a strong attempt at understanding how many men view porn. And sex. You have a very strong view of what porn is. And you perceive that your view is the only view. And the RIGHT view. But there are other views which may or may not be right.
Let's take my husband for example. He watches porn. He uses it to grease the imagination when he is rubbing one out for quick release. It is not *instead* of sex or *instead* of me. It is something else. I like to take baths. They are relaxing, leisurely, comforting. But sometimes I take a quick shower. The shower is not a comparison of the bath. It is something else.
I am hot and sexy. And my husband loves me, my body and loads of crazy sex. But I am 42. I am never going to have a 20 year old body again. Yah looking at a 20 year old body is nice. He doesn't want to be with a 20 year old. Lord knows that eventually they would open their mouths, and that would be the end of that! He loves me. He wants me. And I am confident enough of what I DO have for him that having him look at some pics to rub one out every once in a while is not a biggie.
So you have one point of view, porn is awful. And I agree with you that he should not have lied to you. But I can understand why he would feel he had to with the vehemence of your position.
What stands before you now is a choice of what YOU are going to do. I see a few choices
- Choose to continue in your position that porn is this evil. Particularly since it seems that this position is based in religion, it is a reasonable position to maintain. BUT it has some practical downsides to it. Your pool of candidates that REALLY agree with this PoV in their hearts and bodies is going to be small. So either they repress their PoV in order to acquire you, or they walk. If the former, you run the risk of weakness leading to lying as with your husband. It is HARD to stay motivated to do something based on someone elses value system when you don't share it.
- You could choose to be lesbian. Ok just kidding. I don't think that is really a *choice*, you either are or you aren't. But I thought a joke might be fun.
- You can choose to speak with him about porn with an open heart and open mind and try to learn with real understanding how HE views porn and its position in your relationship. It might be an opportunity to learn and grow together.
I remember feeling as you do. So I know something of what I speak. His use of porn, now that it is no longer on the downlow, is WAY down from where it was. Our sex life could not be better. And our trust is through the roof. Just something to consider.
I think you should read this post very closely at least ten times. Let it absorb into your thinking. This person is telling you that it might or might not be ok, but perspective is what matters here. This is a well-thought out, logical, and extremely helpful post.
I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God. Because since the begining of time, God stated it was bad! And yes it can be a form of affair. And a person LUSTING after another, in ANYWAY is in fact, a sin. So if you do not believe this, dont bother leaving a reply, as I am seeking someone who can be on the same page as me. Not saying you have to agree to the extent, but at least know that Porn is bad.
There is a book called EVERY MANS BATTLE...I started to read a bit, and if one would read as well, you would too, find that PORN is SOO much deeper than some of you think. And that if it wasnt a big deal, then such help and resources wouldnt exsist and wouldnt be tearing apart so many marriages.
Im sorry, but its not me! Its not simply in my head, and simply something I need to get over. Its something that is WRONG and I married a man who believed that as well...but gave into temptation.
I didnt post this in hopes that someone would change my view or debat that porn is ok...I want advice from people that agree and can help me from there on out!
Thank you to those who DO understand for your advice!!!
We just started going to see someone. He is sorry and I know he is, this isnt a issue we deal with all the time. Im not saying its a one time thing, but my issues are THE FACT THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME, BETRAYED ME AND LIED TO ME!!!! I dont care WHAT topic this is caused from ITS STILL WRONG! Mine happen to be about a subject YES very sensitive to me! I dont care if you think watching porn is better than cheating, in my eyes its a form! And again..dont try to tell me what is right and wrong from YOUR point of view, Im asking views of those who know porn is wrong.
Im worried about ever being able to trust again. If lies keep going on and for him to betray ME in one of the worst ways (I FEEL) then what to do now?
I fear that just as we start to get somewhere, he'll leave. And to the person that made the commet about him being deployed and me asking 20 questions..I DONT GIVE A RIP WHERE YOU ARE, WHAT YOURE DOING----BEING HONEST AND LOYAL IN A MARRIAGE STILL IS A MUST!
Personally, I don't look at porn, but I'm not about to throw rocks at those who do. I'm a man, and a Christian, so but tend to respond to language more than the visual side of things. One thing that bothers anyone with an ounce of testosterone is a judgemental spouse. Who is to say that porn is the greater sin? Is it worse than cursing, like the title here? It just tends to be the one that gets Christian men hamstrung, just like judgmentalism or self-righteousness sometimes grips their wives.
You don't know me from Jack, but the porn is not an intentional slam against you. So, you're left with two options. Divorce him and repeat the process with the next guy, or try to work with him through this in a non-judgemental fashion. If he can elevate you to a pedestal because you are always in his corner, he'll not only work through the porn, but grow with you in less superficial ways.
"So you admit you routinely start fights because you have a feeling he's doing something wrong? Do you see the problem with this? I agree with your husband that you need to talk to someone.
You're also showing him that honesty is not the best policy. If he were to admit to you that he slipped up and watched porn you'd threaten to leave. A little understanding goes a long way"
good call. fix yourself and the porn won't seem as much of a daemon...
This isn't about porn, people....this is about trust. She made it perfectly clear that porn was not going to be a part of her marriage. He lied to her and shreaded her trust. This is about lying. Those of you who say "It's just porn get over it" let me ask you....what are your dealbreakers? What if you had awful past experiences with say the color yellow and came home to find your kitchen freshly painted in that color? Would it be okay for your spouse to say "Oh, it's just paint"? The fact is her husband knew what her dealbreaker was and this was it. It doesn't matter if he was in a time capsule or in Iraq, he knew what she was and was not comfortable with and he broke her trust. To many of you it might sound idiotic but ask yourselves what defines a dealbreaker. Each of us have our own. I have a relative who lost her husband to lung cancer. She is now dating again and if her boyfriend lit up one night, she would view it as a huge betrayal and dealbreaker. Would those of you be so quick to say "It's just a cigarette?"
Her pain is real and it is normal. I have no idea why she is being painted as some drama queen who just needs to get over it.
This isn't about porn, people....this is about trust. She made it perfectly clear that porn was not going to be a part of her marriage. He lied to her and shreaded her trust. This is about lying. Those of you who say "It's just porn get over it" let me ask you....what are your dealbreakers? What if you had awful past experiences with say the color yellow and came home to find your kitchen freshly painted in that color? Would it be okay for your spouse to say "Oh, it's just paint"? The fact is her husband knew what her dealbreaker was and this was it. It doesn't matter if he was in a time capsule or in Iraq, he knew what she was and was not comfortable with and he broke her trust. To many of you it might sound idiotic but ask yourselves what defines a dealbreaker. Each of us have our own. I have a relative who lost her husband to lung cancer. She is now dating again and if her boyfriend lit up one night, she would view it as a huge betrayal and dealbreaker. Would those of you be so quick to say "It's just a cigarette?"
Her pain is real and it is normal. I have no idea why she is being painted as some drama queen who just needs to get over it.
Your right, but in the mean time, you can't treat him like crap. He did mess up, but either get rid of him or be a good wife towards him. Make your boundaries known.
If the lack of trust is making him want to not come back to you, you need to go one of two ways. Harboring anger and contempt towards her husband will destroy whats left of the marriage whether or not he looks at porn ever again.
THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO DID SEE MY POINT AND UNDERSTOOD THIS WASNT ALL ABOUT THE PORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With that being said, thanks for all advice and time. I would love to continue to write how I feel but..we had our second session today with one of the top ppl that deal specifically with sexual addiction...and GUESS WHAT PEOPLE.....
I DONT HAVE TO GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!
In fact, the other day my hubby came home, we were kissing and being loving (YES OMG, Im not all Bitc* here! Its not like Im hating on him 24/7) But then 20 min later I was in a completly diff mood...HE brought this up to the Therp and wondered why and how....well the Therp said..
"Youre actually wondering WHY? Gee, lets think about it..of course shes going to go up and down, of course one minute she'll be fine and loving, and thats a good thing because the passion is still there, but then yes, she throws her gaurd back up...BECAUSE SHE DOESNT TRUST YOU. Its not going to magically go away. Shes confronted with reality every hour, and that is that there is no trust, and YOURE the one who burned that. So now you dont need to wonder why, when you know why!"
I didnt even realize why I would flip a switch..but hes exactly right. I HATE going up and down all the time, but Im glad to know that its normal. I was betrayed, lied to and hurt. We have an EXTREMELY long road ahead of us...
It does go sooo much deeper than allot of you may think. And that makes me sad to know you are so los to not see that. NExt time youre making love to your wife/hubby and the thought of someone else comes into your mind...thats when I say I TOLD YA SO..!
Theres a connection we can have that not many have. Im excited to get that, tho very hard work and many many tears will come, I can only hope we reach it. It makes me sad to know how and what guys do to themselfs without even realizing it. But everytime they give into porn, its just letting the enemy win and youre loosing that connection with your spouse more and more. If you dont agree..thats ok. I simply feel bad that you will never even know that a connection of this level even exsist, and if you think Im wrong, that just proves my point!
Thank you again, truly to you all who understood me. I have faith that things will work. Yes Im still angry, scared, worried, hurt..but I also DO have love and hope and dreams I wanna share with this man, after all..isnt that why Im so concerend!
I'm happy that you and your husband are working this out and are in MC.
I'm from a very similar background to your own. It bugged me how you worded the quotes below. Before you don't check this thread ever again, I just wanted to bring it up. I don't have anything else to say about how you worded these, they just struck me really strangely.
Quote:
I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God.
Quote:
NExt time youre making love to your wife/hubby and the thought of someone else comes into your mind...thats when I say I TOLD YA SO..!
Quote:
If you dont agree..thats ok. I simply feel bad that you will never even know that a connection of this level even exsist, and if you think Im wrong, that just proves my point!
Well..to the first quote:
"I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God."
----I say this because anyone who believes in God, knows that the word (BIBLE) says porn is NOT ok. And for someone to think they can twist around the word and think something along the lines of "Well I believe in God, I love God, but porn is ok because...."
that is wrong. We cannot put our own thoughts into what WE think the Bible means, its there, black and white. Either you try your best to live by it, or you dont. And thats exactly how God will judge you. Because we are all born sinners, its the fact that you repent and ask for forgivness and constantly trying to live your life for him is what matters. I guess what I really meant was something more like, if you think porn is ok for WHATEVER reason on ANY level, then altho you may still believe in God, youre not living the right way. You cannot have Both. Cannot believe in God-meaning believe what his words are and still find nothing wrong with porn. Because that would be going against his words. Therefore, not believing in him, because his words are him.
Second quote:
"Next time youre making love to your wife/hubby and the thought of someone else comes into your mind...thats when I say I TOLD YA SO..!"
----I say this because so many claim they arent doing anything wrong by watching porn, and they are still able to have a good sex life with their spouse. This is not true. And everyone is guilty at it. The more you watch porn, you are implanting unrealistic thoughts and images of SOMEONE else. And that person sometimes wonders why they dont find their spouse attractive anymore. Why they cant last long or get it up and thats why porn is so appealing to them, because those people appear flawless, and are always there, willing to do whatever, whenever(in your mind) Your spouse cannot compete with that!...There is no connection with your spouse..at some point the person will always go back to a image or thought (Porn based) and use that as their arousal. Even though they are having sex with their mate, they are actually picturing someone else. I say I TOLD YA SO because when that happens, and it will, people will know exactly what Im talking about and maybe go "Oh crap...shes right...I was totally thinkin about that instead of my husband, wife."
Third:
"If you dint agree..thats ok. I simply feel bad that you will never even know that a connection of this level even exist, and if you think Im wrong, that just proves my point! "
----Im not here to MAKE people see my point but at least putting out there my feelings that are not only feelings but facts. Hopefully someone will understand it and realize things need to change in their life. I was however, yes being forward. Because I DO believe if you dont see anything wrong, that can only mean you do not see what connection one could have. If you knew, at the smallest measure the greatness of what exist between a man and wife, the PURITY, the INTIMACY, the EMOTIONAL, CHEMICAL, MENTAL connection, then you would see that porn will not help. That there is GREATER pleasure out there. Its sad that most people will be blinded and think there is no greater pleasure than porn. Its sad that they honestly believe this. I dont know, but If I simply heard that there was better greatness than what I thought existed, Id try like heck for it! I mean, a better relationship with your spouse, with God, with yourself. All guilt-free, and the fullest rewarding pleasure of all...sounds good. Allot of work yes..but once the enemy steals that away, you will have to work to get it back. but itll be worth it. I know Its going to be extremely hard..but well...life as I know it now sucks and isnt going to get any better. So..Im going to try my hardest, and fight the enemy, for I have the Lord on my side, and I can only win! And I will live an abundant life full of love and happiness and that, my people is just the tip of the greatness God has to offer.
Blessings and good luck..it seems as tho I have found my light, even tho its always been there, sometimes you need pure darkness to see the little shimmer**
Feelings involve perception. Perception is not fact.
I hope your MC is working with you so you can respond appropriately to your husband's mistakes. It takes two to have a healthy marriage.
thats why I said feelings AND facts. Feelings usually are based on facts.
And to who asked how I just knew....
His stories werent adding up, the timing and everything was not clear. It all lead to that he might be doing something wrong. At that point, yes I was fearing the worse, BUT then then facts came in.
I first had a conversation with someone who was there with him and said he could hear the porn he was watching, not knowing I had major issues with porn, he continued to give details. I later then confronted my DH and of course all lies. Even causing that person to change his story and doing the typical guy thing and "Backing up their buddy"....but I knew the truth because everything the person told me, and from all the things that didnt add up from DH..it all fit.
THEN the ringer was..in a video my DH had sent me, he forgot to turn the computer off in the backround and for a min yu coudl see what was on. This was in his room. So....I had proof as well as all the things that didnt add up..finally made sense when all this happen.
And its not llke I would go at him with a fight ready to happen, BUT when I am not being told the truth and knowing that I wasnt based on HIS actions (Ie: story always changing, forgetting what he told me, ect..) Yes, im naturally going to be uptight...
Let me ask you-
If someone came to you and said your car was broke into and your cds were stolen...wouldnt you assume they had something to do with it? I mean, how else would they know your cd's were stolen in YOUR car?! And then that person says well...I just assumed cds were taken because they usually are...and then suddenly they change it and say well I seen so and so by your car...but then changes the story again and says..hey btw..I found all 8 of the cds that were stolen from your car....HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THERE WAS 8???!!! Do you see my point?! This is what it was like.
You post a lot of your very strong, one sided opinions as fact.
How long have you been married? 3 years?
I have been with the same woman for 30 years. We both have viewed porn with and without each other. I have never thought of a porn star while making love to my wife. In fact, I usually think of my wife while watching porn!
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ya know...its men like you who cause breakups and relationship issues.
There is absolutely nothing that I could do to cause a break up or issue in another marriage because of my opinion on pornography.
I think you are a very angry person and frankly, I doubt that your husband will ever be able to do anything right in your mind. You will always find a fault, a crack to dig an open wide.
3 years so far? I don't give it 4.
If we aren't allowed to debate the pros and cons of porn based on the orginial posters religious beliefs, can we simply move this thread to the "Religions and Spirituality" section so we can safely ignore the thread? There's simply no productive conversation we can have here other than to enable her viewpoint.
All this can be spun both ways anyway. She can say it's not about the porn it's all about the trust. He can say she's emotionally abusive about him meeting a natural biological need.
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Re: Time to move on..? Porn is NOT OK damnit! 
Well said. So many people miss the point...
