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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 03-14-2011, 06:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need marriage advice

Hi all, i'm new here and this is my first post. This Thursday my wife and i will have been married for 10 years. However, i dont see it being a happy aniversary as we are not speaking. My wife and i use to get along great, then we had two children. When our last was born 4 years ago, she didn't want anything to do with me or our marriage anymore. She gave everything she had to our kids. I would tell her that in order for us to keep our marriage alive, we had to spend time together, time for just us. i asked if there was someone else, asked f she ddn't love me anymore, because i was losing my mind. We finally discovered with our doctor that she was having some pretty severe hormone problems. As time passed and she got over these issues, i thought she would want to make up for the time we lost, and that we would work overtime to get caught back up on us. Was i wrong. Instead, she still wanted nothing to do with me. She started doing things with some girls she worked with, people that were not the best influence on her because of the hobbies they had, and she completely changed. She started drinking like a fish with these girls, and she would get furious if i said anything about it. She would do things intentionally, things that she knew would hurt me. And all the time i'm telling her how much i love her and want to spend tme with her and for us to be a family again. It was all pointless. It finally came to an end when they all had a fallng out with one another. She apologized and said she should have never done the things she did. She told me she loved me and we started seeing a counselor. That helped some. But i just had so much hurt because of the things she had done. The counselor said not to keep it in, to talk about it with each other. I would try and i would get an apology and then wanted it dropped and didn't want to talk anymore about it. She would and still gets mad when i try to talk to her about whats in my heart, I dont believe she wants to hear it and i dont believe she cares. She told me that no one wants to hear about something they do wrong or something that hurts someone else. She says i can't let go of the past and go forward. so we have a big talk about it again, she tells me i'm the love of her life, she wants me and us to work, and that i don't need to tell her how bad she hurt me because she knows and she is so sorry. Then, a week later, we go to a restaurant to eat, and she sits there right in front of my face and stares and keeps staring at some other guy sitting at the bar,,,with me right in front of her,,,she could have cared less if i saw, because she didn't try to hide it,,,i told her,,," i see how much you love me",,, guys, i dont know what to do,,i'm so tired of this. She won't call me, she won't hug or touch me. I have to initiate everything. Then she'll go a long. I told her it would be nice for her to call me some,,for her to show that she wants to hug and touch me some without me always having to start it. She says she's not the calling type, and that i have always been the one to make 1st contact. I asked her if she wanted and needed to feel wanted and desired by me, she said yes. I told her i need the same things too. I need to know that my wife wants, needs, and desires me,,,i mean that is a basic human need is it not??? She says she will work on the calling and hugging thing,,,,and she has started doing that some now, but wow!!! you have to work on calling and hugging your spouse??? Thats a new one on me. I am so tired of chasing her all the time, im tired of being the one that usually has to do everything 1st in our marriage. It would be nice to be chased some back...when we fight and argue,,,she always hangsup or walks out,,,and what do i do,,,/???? i call her back and go after her. I told her one time that if i walked away from her like that,, that there was no way i thought she'd come after me....im tired of it...I have never cheated on her, and i don't think she has me,at least thats what she says anyways, but i have never caught her and i haven't suspected,,,but again, im pretty good at being the fool when it comes to her, so who knows???? I do love her, and she still tells me that she loves me and wants us to work,,,but she sure doesnt show it by her actions, because she knows what i need and want,,,but she will not give me what i need,,,but yet here i am still trying to meet her needs and give her what she wants. Please help guys,, i dont know what to do?????
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need marriage advice

My friend I hear you and I understand your frustration. However, from experience on your issues, I will start by not being needy, let her be. We can not change people but we can change the way we act. With that said, intrigue her by not being on top of her. Show her that you are in control of yourself first. Stop looking at your cell phone for her calls or text for that matter. She is used to you being the one to maKe contact first. Give her a taste of her own medicine and then come back here and let us know how it went. You are acting like her DOORMAT! Good luck.
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Old 03-15-2011, 09:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need marriage advice

Man, this sounds a lot like my own situation except we've been married less than a year. It's weak, but the only advice I've got is to return to a counselor. How is all this affecting your kids?
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Old 03-15-2011, 12:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need marriage advice

Advice: Separate your post using paragraph returns to make it easier to read. You will get a better response.
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Old 03-15-2011, 05:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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We try to not argue in front of our kids. At first when we would talk about things, our oldest heard some things that made us realize that they didn't need to hear mommy and daddy "talking." We just hadn't thought about it. Now, nothing is said in front of them.
She told me this morning with a big hug that she loves me and that she wants me; us, and that she knows how bad shes hurt me and that she never wants to make me feel those ways again. She also told me that she does not want a divorce. She said she wants to be with me, that she wants us to work. Again, I told her that if she really loved me, then it shouldn't be so hard to show that by calling me every now and then, by giving me a hug 1st once in a while, and by initiating sex some herself. I told her that when i'm the one that always does everything 1st, it leaves me feeling unwanted, undesired and even unloved by my wife. I asked her if i was that way to her, would she be happy...her answer????no.
I have read on here in some posts how some husbands do all the cleaning and such. Well that is me also. But I will say this for her, she is a wonderful mother to our kids. She takes care of them gives them plenty of attention, she just doesn't know when to save some of that attention for me. I told her that I felt like when both our kids were born, because of how she dropped me like a rock, that she didn't need me anymore...
I have made plenty of mistakes myself, but i continue to tell her hoh much i love her, tell her that shes beautiful to me, and how much i love to spend time with her, but i swear sometimes i feel like the nicer i am to her, the better i treat her, i feel like the worse she is to me. I feel completely taken forgranted. Our last anniversary, I got her a gift, kinda of a reminder of us and everything we've shared together since the very beginning all the way thru the birth of our kids. When she watched it, it was a video, she cried her eyes out, and kept apologizing to me for taking me and my love for for granted. Things were reall y good for a while, but then, just like every other time, it starts to slowly go back to the way it was. I told her, that i feel like if we don't talk, if we don't spend time together, if we don't have husband and wife time, then i believe shes completely ok with it. She never gets upset like i do when we don't have time together. I feel like she doesn't even care. I just wish i new what i could do to get her to treat me the way i treat her.. I told her that life is short, and i told her that i felt that if i was to fall over dead right now, i don't even think she would care or miss me.......again, any help, advice, anything would be greatly appreciated........
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
anx
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Default Re: Need marriage advice

I would get the book "and a baby makes three" by gottman. Although you no longer have a baby, the point of the book still applies. A lot of the other gottman books are probably great reads (seven principals for making a marriage work) or find other MC books (love language book). Get in a bookstore or library and find what speaks to you. Half.com is about the cheapest spot for books I found.

MC is always a great option. My MC story is in my profile. Its really the only way my wife and I made it work.

Do I Really Need A Marriage Counselor?
How to Save Your Marriage
How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling
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