Manipulation
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-16-2008, 01:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2
Default Manipulation

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5 years. We have 2 daughters. One is 4 and the other is 19 months.
2 years ago I had an affair and even though he said he was over it he isn't. I understand completely and I am not asking him to get over it. The biggest problem he says is our sex life. He says he needs to have sex with me to experience any sort of emotions from me. That bothers me. He should experience emotions from me without sex therefore I don't want to have sex with him because I feel it's for the wrong reason. I find myself not touching him or anything because I know if I do then he will assume I want to have sex. Then when I tell him that I don't want to he gets upset and we end up arguing. I feel he is very manipulative about sex and other things. He is quick to say that he doesn't do anything right and he doesn't understand why I am with him. He doesn't talk about our problems, he just starts throwing what I call a "pity party" for himself. Then I cave in and he starts acting like nothing is wrong.
Last night we had a huge talk because I didn't have sex with him and he thought I should. I suggested maybe we should stop having sex and work on emotionally satisfying each other without sex. He instantly got upset and said that his stomach hurt and he felt depressed. I didn't think it was asking to much.
He has even gone as far as threatening to hurt himself. After I finally got a hold of him he told me that he only said that to get my attention. That's wrong, right? I can think of many other ways to get my attention.
I'm sorry this is so long. I am just in need of someone to talk to. Very badly! I have told him I think he is manipulative and he said he will work on it and of course nothing has changed.
I just need some opinions. Do you think he sounds manipulative or is it just in my head?
yndaid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 01:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
MarkTwain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 3,426
Default Re: Manipulation

May I ask 2 questions?
How often do you have sex with him, and do you enjoy it. Is he any good in bed?
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 02:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2
Default Re: Manipulation

Last week we had sex 3 times and on one of those days we had sex and I gave him a b/j. He is good in bed and I do enjoy it. I am always satisfied afterwards.
For me the whole sex thing is that I don't feel like having sex with him because I think it's for the wrong reasons. Plus, it's just not that important to me and I feel like it is too important to him.
yndaid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 03:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,308
Default Re: Manipulation

Quote:
Originally Posted by yndaid View Post
For me the whole sex thing is that I don't feel like having sex with him because I think it's for the wrong reasons. Plus, it's just not that important to me and I feel like it is too important to him.
This is your view, not his. Yes, you probably need to feel emotionally connected on all sorts of levels to feel loved and to want sex...I am the same way.

However, that physical closeness is what makes my husband feel loved and connected to me. It may seem 'wrong' to you but it's certainly not abnormal, just different.

I think you will achieve all you need in return if you drop the 'right'/'wrong' thinking and just take him for his word when he tells you what he needs, and give it to him...You will probably get what you need in return without even having to ask because he will be feeling good when he's around you.
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 03:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
MarkTwain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 3,426
Default Re: Manipulation

Quote:
Originally Posted by yndaid View Post
For me the whole sex thing is that I don't feel like having sex with him because I think it's for the wrong reasons.
Could you explain this a bit more. Are you saying you want to stop having sex with him altogether? Or just cut down?
What is your ideal frequency?
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 06:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,049
Default Re: Manipulation

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish View Post
I think you will achieve all you need in return if you drop the 'right'/'wrong' thinking and just take him for his word when he tells you what he needs, and give it to him...You will probably get what you need in return without even having to ask because he will be feeling good when he's around you.


As far as him manipulating you with threats of hurting himself and his 'pity party', ya he is manipulating you. thats not just in your head. If you keep giving him attention when he treats you that way, then he's getting what he wants. if he does those things just ignore him. Before it gets to that point, though, let him know what will and will not get your attention. let him know that you love him but when he does those things it is abusive and you will not respond, not because you dont love him, but because he is manipulating you. But always give an alternative to communicate with you so he doesnt feel hopeless. Make sure you let him know, every time it happens (because it will keep happening until you learn to ignore it) that you love him and want to communicate with him, just in a healthier way.
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to handle h's manipulation of dd? indiecat Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 12-09-2012 12:50 PM
reconciliation or manipulation? nealy49 Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 07-11-2010 04:43 PM
The truth about manipulation. It's not what you think! goatz General Relationship Discussion 73 07-27-2009 02:07 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:31 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage