yndaid

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5 years. We have 2 daughters. One is 4 and the other is 19 months.
2 years ago I had an affair and even though he said he was over it he isn't. I understand completely and I am not asking him to get over it. The biggest problem he says is our sex life. He says he needs to have sex with me to experience any sort of emotions from me. That bothers me. He should experience emotions from me without sex therefore I don't want to have sex with him because I feel it's for the wrong reason. I find myself not touching him or anything because I know if I do then he will assume I want to have sex. Then when I tell him that I don't want to he gets upset and we end up arguing. I feel he is very manipulative about sex and other things. He is quick to say that he doesn't do anything right and he doesn't understand why I am with him. He doesn't talk about our problems, he just starts throwing what I call a "pity party" for himself. Then I cave in and he starts acting like nothing is wrong.
Last night we had a huge talk because I didn't have sex with him and he thought I should. I suggested maybe we should stop having sex and work on emotionally satisfying each other without sex. He instantly got upset and said that his stomach hurt and he felt depressed. I didn't think it was asking to much.
He has even gone as far as threatening to hurt himself. After I finally got a hold of him he told me that he only said that to get my attention. That's wrong, right? I can think of many other ways to get my attention.
I'm sorry this is so long. I am just in need of someone to talk to. Very badly! I have told him I think he is manipulative and he said he will work on it and of course nothing has changed.
I just need some opinions. Do you think he sounds manipulative or is it just in my head?

MarkTwain

May I ask 2 questions?
How often do you have sex with him, and do you enjoy it. Is he any good in bed?

yndaid

Last week we had sex 3 times and on one of those days we had sex and I gave him a b/j. He is good in bed and I do enjoy it. I am always satisfied afterwards.
For me the whole sex thing is that I don't feel like having sex with him because I think it's for the wrong reasons. Plus, it's just not that important to me and I feel like it is too important to him.

swedish

This is your view, not his. Yes, you probably need to feel emotionally connected on all sorts of levels to feel loved and to want sex...I am the same way.

However, that physical closeness is what makes my husband feel loved and connected to me. It may seem 'wrong' to you but it's certainly not abnormal, just different.

I think you will achieve all you need in return if you drop the 'right'/'wrong' thinking and just take him for his word when he tells you what he needs, and give it to him...You will probably get what you need in return without even having to ask because he will be feeling good when he's around you.

MarkTwain

Could you explain this a bit more. Are you saying you want to stop having sex with him altogether? Or just cut down?
What is your ideal frequency?

ljtseng

As far as him manipulating you with threats of hurting himself and his 'pity party', ya he is manipulating you. thats not just in your head. If you keep giving him attention when he treats you that way, then he's getting what he wants. if he does those things just ignore him. Before it gets to that point, though, let him know what will and will not get your attention. let him know that you love him but when he does those things it is abusive and you will not respond, not because you dont love him, but because he is manipulating you. But always give an alternative to communicate with you so he doesnt feel hopeless. Make sure you let him know, every time it happens (because it will keep happening until you learn to ignore it) that you love him and want to communicate with him, just in a healthier way.