Am I tearing up my own marriage?
This is my first time posting on here..first time posting in any forum actually. I'll try to keep it as short as possible but these things have been building up for a while so background information is probably needed. We have been together for 4 years. Married for a little over one.
Back in November (2010) I quit my job. It was a mutual decision between my husband and I. It was a very bad work environment which completely stressed me out and not worth the pay. The other major reasoning was childcare. We have had A LOT of family help with this. Some have gone back to work or gotten another job to make ends meet. .my husband works days and I worked nights..scheduling and figuring out where our daughter was going and where she needed to be picked up was getting stressful for both of us. Anyway, here we are now. I LOVE staying home with my daughter. It is very frustrating at times but worth every tear. I basically take care of the house and don't ask hubby for help. He takes out the trash and every once and a while cooks dinner for us or he will pick up dinner dishes for me. Everything else is my responsibility..I am ok with that because it's "my job" and I would never want to go back to working where I was!! So, I am VERY grateful that we have worked out a way for me to stay home. The one down side...we used to have 2 cars. Before we even met we each had our own. About a year ago we got mine paid off. With his..he has been upside down in the loan basically since he got it..but had no choice during his situation at the time. So, we decided to sell his car to his dad. He makes the payments and insurance on it but it's still in my husbands name. His dad said..later on down the road if I go back to work or something happens and we need the car..we can have it back.
My husband has never been open about talking. I am very open...too open..I'm starting to feel. Since the beginning, we have problems with porn. After a couple years of on and off fighting about it..catching him in lies about it..and our difference in opinions about how I feel he has a problem he feels he doesn't. I gave up trying to understand why it was SO important to him. So, I just started watching/doing my own stuff. It still bothers me how secretive he is about it..but that will never change. We have different sex drives. I am up for sex, anytime, and anywhere..which I thought most men would love. Example: His sibilings stayed with us for a week. They arrived Friday..we found time to ourselves Tuesday and then his family left Friday. So, I was thinking we were gonna have sex. Instead, he sat on the couch with this new Sprint HTC phone. .that is not even activated because we still have Verizon..for 3 hours. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't care. So, I said well if your going to play on that phone all night I'm going to go play a game. He said. . we can play games if you want. In my mind I'm thinking OH MY GOD..why is that stupid phone more important that having sex with me? He loves technology especially phones. . it's his job..when he gets something new like that he doesn't realize that he gets so intuned with it..I feel like I'm not even there! I know I could have said. . well I wanna have sex. But to me..By him saying we can play games if you want..means he wants to play games. I don't want to make him have sex with me if he's not in the mood...but why isn't he in the mood considering we usually do something every night of the week and this particular week things only happened once. The next day things were kinda silent. . I was still hurt by the night before but hadn't said anything because I have been trying not to over react as I tend to do when I don't get my way. So, Sunday was a good day all around. We put our daughter to bed and my husband had mentioned something earlier in the day about doing something with the phone..some kind of flashing blah blah blah. I asked if it was gonna take long and he said no. We were planning on having sex. Ok, cool. Well, after an hour and a half of sitting here on the couch next to him..the whole time I found other stuff to do to keep me occupied he asks what are we gonna do? And I just couldn't hold it back. .I told him I have been sitting here waiting for him to get done. He knew I was waiting for him to get done with the phone. He said well you got on facebook and went and folded laundry...you weren't pushing me to get done with it. .so I didn't think it was a big deal. Are you kidding? By this time it is 11:00 pm..he works in the morning. .I know he likes to play a game of football on the PS3 before bed. .so I thought he would do the phone things we could do it and he could play his game and go to bed. But to me I just felt he wanted to play around with the frickin phone. He said I make mountains out of mole hills...which pissed me off. And I said fine. .obviously we will never agree on these kinds of things so I will just have to learn to deal with my feelings. And i said so I guess we can sit here in silence for the rest of the night or we can just go ahead and have sex. And the only he had to say.... We can just go ahead and have sex. So, we did. I never thought I would be having sex with my husband and just feel nothing at all. No emotions. .nothing. It just didn't feel right at all.
Other things going on. .financial stuff. He has the bank account and card. We just never got around to getting my own card for his account. He has always taken care of the bills. I'm learning . .he sucks at it. I did not say that to him. I sat down and let him know I was going through the bank account online...I see where we can save money (we really need to with only one income). My points were . .ATM fees..his bank is about 20 min away and its the only one so he will use ATM in town. Why not switch to the bank I have an account with for when I was working? That was an arguement. He stops at gas station every morning. .for soda, water, or whatever. I suggested taking stuff from home. He also spends money on eatting out for lunch. He won't take a lunch from home. .instead he goes out to eat about 3 times a week. I am at home all day. I don't spend any money. I don't even have access to the account. He takes $20 here and $20 there out of our savings account without even saying anything to me. I found out that back in January his credit limit was extended by $1,000 and he put almost $700 on that card..in one month. These kinds of things. .I know is not "lying"...but I feel betrayed. How is it fair that he puts us in debt and doesn't say anything? I would have never known about the credt card thing if I hadn't of finally asked him for his login info so I could start to budget. But at this point . .he did it . .he can take care of it. If I put ANYTHING on my credit card. . I tell him. When I was working he knew what I had in my account because I told him..he knew what I spent or if I charged because I told him. I feel like if he doesn't tell me about this stuff. .what else is there? When I asked about all the money he put on that card in January he acted all confused. . subject got changed and we haven't talked about it since. Other things we have argued about lack of affection..we are both working on it and both have been doing good. Doing something else besides playing games. .that's his interest we do together. .ever since we've been together. EVERY NIGHT. I have to nag to watch a movie with him or a card game or board game. And if he doesn't feel like doing those things and does them anyway he is a total grouch during that time and it's not worth it. It doesn't make it fun. His lack of interest in things I do..I mean I have compromised and play frickin video games and I watch sports. He has turned me into a sports fanatic..which is not a bad thing at all. .I enjoy it. With his phones/technology. .when he gets knew stuff I acknowledge it and listen to him and give opinions. He does not do that for me. Example: My cake decorating. .I am a beginner and have maybe donw 6-8 cakes. He never asks how it's going. .(I bake and decorate with 2 yr old running around . . it's hard lol) he never just tells me how it lokos. I have to ask..Hey how does this cake look? Even when I made a boob cake..he made no comment. It hurts my feelings. Around our 1 yr anniversary . . I finally finished this wedding scrapbook for us. It took forever. .but I put so much time and effort into it and when I showed him he said.... Cool and gave me a half smile. He never asks me what our daughter and I do all day. .he just doesn't seem interested in me. The last major issue is appreciation and complients. I know being home is my job. .but I don't get a thank you for anything! When he makes dinner or does things like stopping at the store I always say thank you. I TRIED to get into the habit of not saying anything to see if he would say anything or notice and he hasn't. And this is something we have talked about already!! Not every little thing needs a thank you but something would be nice!!!! I am not the type of person who wears dresses/skirts, does make-up/hair etc. Being home all day..my daughter and I have fun playing around with make-up on occasion..he never says anything about how it looks. Like he doesn't even notice I have make-up on. One day I thought it would be nice to dress up. . sexy top, skirt, hair done, make-up, black knee high boots.. the works. I felt sexy. He got home. . not one word. I was so angry. When I asked him about it he said he didn't know. He said he had all the right thougths . .thinking I was sexy and he wanted to do me right then and there . .he just didn't say it. I told him he doesn't have to make a compliment EVERYDAY...maybe like once a month or something. If I look hot to him on a certain day. .then say it.
I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I am home all day with our daughter. . I have no free time to myslef ever. I don't want to be selfish and ask for that when I know he works just as hard and then comes home to us so he doesn't have free time. I feel I keep busy during the day. .I'm not sitting here thinking about bad things in our marriage. . except today lol I stay busy with the little one with inside and outside activites..plus chores around the house and if she happens to nap. .I can watch tv or whatever. I have just a couple friends. .both have active lives and we don't get to hand out much I do talk with them a lot on the phone. My mom is my best friend lol and she comes over to visit. . and we go to her house often. My husband and myself have never really been socially outgoing people. It just seems I find more and more things that aggrevate and frustrate me about my husband and I don't know how to control those feelings. I have a hard time determining which things I should talk to my husband about and which things I should just let go. And how do I let go of those things? If he doesn't ever say thank you for anything I do . . for the next 10 years..am I supposed to just deal with that? Am I over reacting? Do I expect to much...or am I just finding out who he really is. .and maybe who I really am or what I really want? I've read a lot of opinions over all kinds of marriage topics on the internet and everyone always has different opionions. I just know that I don't want to end up like my parents...Married 25 years. .they don't communicate about anything that is ever bothering them. My mom has all this built up angry towards him. Don't know how my father feels..he never says anything.
Sorry for all the rambling. But I am hoping to get some good advice. Thanks!