Am I tearing up my own marriage?
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Am I tearing up my own marriage?

This is my first time posting on here..first time posting in any forum actually. I'll try to keep it as short as possible but these things have been building up for a while so background information is probably needed. We have been together for 4 years. Married for a little over one.

Back in November (2010) I quit my job. It was a mutual decision between my husband and I. It was a very bad work environment which completely stressed me out and not worth the pay. The other major reasoning was childcare. We have had A LOT of family help with this. Some have gone back to work or gotten another job to make ends meet. .my husband works days and I worked nights..scheduling and figuring out where our daughter was going and where she needed to be picked up was getting stressful for both of us. Anyway, here we are now. I LOVE staying home with my daughter. It is very frustrating at times but worth every tear. I basically take care of the house and don't ask hubby for help. He takes out the trash and every once and a while cooks dinner for us or he will pick up dinner dishes for me. Everything else is my responsibility..I am ok with that because it's "my job" and I would never want to go back to working where I was!! So, I am VERY grateful that we have worked out a way for me to stay home. The one down side...we used to have 2 cars. Before we even met we each had our own. About a year ago we got mine paid off. With his..he has been upside down in the loan basically since he got it..but had no choice during his situation at the time. So, we decided to sell his car to his dad. He makes the payments and insurance on it but it's still in my husbands name. His dad said..later on down the road if I go back to work or something happens and we need the car..we can have it back.

My husband has never been open about talking. I am very open...too open..I'm starting to feel. Since the beginning, we have problems with porn. After a couple years of on and off fighting about it..catching him in lies about it..and our difference in opinions about how I feel he has a problem he feels he doesn't. I gave up trying to understand why it was SO important to him. So, I just started watching/doing my own stuff. It still bothers me how secretive he is about it..but that will never change. We have different sex drives. I am up for sex, anytime, and anywhere..which I thought most men would love. Example: His sibilings stayed with us for a week. They arrived Friday..we found time to ourselves Tuesday and then his family left Friday. So, I was thinking we were gonna have sex. Instead, he sat on the couch with this new Sprint HTC phone. .that is not even activated because we still have Verizon..for 3 hours. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't care. So, I said well if your going to play on that phone all night I'm going to go play a game. He said. . we can play games if you want. In my mind I'm thinking OH MY GOD..why is that stupid phone more important that having sex with me? He loves technology especially phones. . it's his job..when he gets something new like that he doesn't realize that he gets so intuned with it..I feel like I'm not even there! I know I could have said. . well I wanna have sex. But to me..By him saying we can play games if you want..means he wants to play games. I don't want to make him have sex with me if he's not in the mood...but why isn't he in the mood considering we usually do something every night of the week and this particular week things only happened once. The next day things were kinda silent. . I was still hurt by the night before but hadn't said anything because I have been trying not to over react as I tend to do when I don't get my way. So, Sunday was a good day all around. We put our daughter to bed and my husband had mentioned something earlier in the day about doing something with the phone..some kind of flashing blah blah blah. I asked if it was gonna take long and he said no. We were planning on having sex. Ok, cool. Well, after an hour and a half of sitting here on the couch next to him..the whole time I found other stuff to do to keep me occupied he asks what are we gonna do? And I just couldn't hold it back. .I told him I have been sitting here waiting for him to get done. He knew I was waiting for him to get done with the phone. He said well you got on facebook and went and folded laundry...you weren't pushing me to get done with it. .so I didn't think it was a big deal. Are you kidding? By this time it is 11:00 pm..he works in the morning. .I know he likes to play a game of football on the PS3 before bed. .so I thought he would do the phone things we could do it and he could play his game and go to bed. But to me I just felt he wanted to play around with the frickin phone. He said I make mountains out of mole hills...which pissed me off. And I said fine. .obviously we will never agree on these kinds of things so I will just have to learn to deal with my feelings. And i said so I guess we can sit here in silence for the rest of the night or we can just go ahead and have sex. And the only he had to say.... We can just go ahead and have sex. So, we did. I never thought I would be having sex with my husband and just feel nothing at all. No emotions. .nothing. It just didn't feel right at all.

Other things going on. .financial stuff. He has the bank account and card. We just never got around to getting my own card for his account. He has always taken care of the bills. I'm learning . .he sucks at it. I did not say that to him. I sat down and let him know I was going through the bank account online...I see where we can save money (we really need to with only one income). My points were . .ATM fees..his bank is about 20 min away and its the only one so he will use ATM in town. Why not switch to the bank I have an account with for when I was working? That was an arguement. He stops at gas station every morning. .for soda, water, or whatever. I suggested taking stuff from home. He also spends money on eatting out for lunch. He won't take a lunch from home. .instead he goes out to eat about 3 times a week. I am at home all day. I don't spend any money. I don't even have access to the account. He takes $20 here and $20 there out of our savings account without even saying anything to me. I found out that back in January his credit limit was extended by $1,000 and he put almost $700 on that card..in one month. These kinds of things. .I know is not "lying"...but I feel betrayed. How is it fair that he puts us in debt and doesn't say anything? I would have never known about the credt card thing if I hadn't of finally asked him for his login info so I could start to budget. But at this point . .he did it . .he can take care of it. If I put ANYTHING on my credit card. . I tell him. When I was working he knew what I had in my account because I told him..he knew what I spent or if I charged because I told him. I feel like if he doesn't tell me about this stuff. .what else is there? When I asked about all the money he put on that card in January he acted all confused. . subject got changed and we haven't talked about it since. Other things we have argued about lack of affection..we are both working on it and both have been doing good. Doing something else besides playing games. .that's his interest we do together. .ever since we've been together. EVERY NIGHT. I have to nag to watch a movie with him or a card game or board game. And if he doesn't feel like doing those things and does them anyway he is a total grouch during that time and it's not worth it. It doesn't make it fun. His lack of interest in things I do..I mean I have compromised and play frickin video games and I watch sports. He has turned me into a sports fanatic..which is not a bad thing at all. .I enjoy it. With his phones/technology. .when he gets knew stuff I acknowledge it and listen to him and give opinions. He does not do that for me. Example: My cake decorating. .I am a beginner and have maybe donw 6-8 cakes. He never asks how it's going. .(I bake and decorate with 2 yr old running around . . it's hard lol) he never just tells me how it lokos. I have to ask..Hey how does this cake look? Even when I made a boob cake..he made no comment. It hurts my feelings. Around our 1 yr anniversary . . I finally finished this wedding scrapbook for us. It took forever. .but I put so much time and effort into it and when I showed him he said.... Cool and gave me a half smile. He never asks me what our daughter and I do all day. .he just doesn't seem interested in me. The last major issue is appreciation and complients. I know being home is my job. .but I don't get a thank you for anything! When he makes dinner or does things like stopping at the store I always say thank you. I TRIED to get into the habit of not saying anything to see if he would say anything or notice and he hasn't. And this is something we have talked about already!! Not every little thing needs a thank you but something would be nice!!!! I am not the type of person who wears dresses/skirts, does make-up/hair etc. Being home all day..my daughter and I have fun playing around with make-up on occasion..he never says anything about how it looks. Like he doesn't even notice I have make-up on. One day I thought it would be nice to dress up. . sexy top, skirt, hair done, make-up, black knee high boots.. the works. I felt sexy. He got home. . not one word. I was so angry. When I asked him about it he said he didn't know. He said he had all the right thougths . .thinking I was sexy and he wanted to do me right then and there . .he just didn't say it. I told him he doesn't have to make a compliment EVERYDAY...maybe like once a month or something. If I look hot to him on a certain day. .then say it.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I am home all day with our daughter. . I have no free time to myslef ever. I don't want to be selfish and ask for that when I know he works just as hard and then comes home to us so he doesn't have free time. I feel I keep busy during the day. .I'm not sitting here thinking about bad things in our marriage. . except today lol I stay busy with the little one with inside and outside activites..plus chores around the house and if she happens to nap. .I can watch tv or whatever. I have just a couple friends. .both have active lives and we don't get to hand out much I do talk with them a lot on the phone. My mom is my best friend lol and she comes over to visit. . and we go to her house often. My husband and myself have never really been socially outgoing people. It just seems I find more and more things that aggrevate and frustrate me about my husband and I don't know how to control those feelings. I have a hard time determining which things I should talk to my husband about and which things I should just let go. And how do I let go of those things? If he doesn't ever say thank you for anything I do . . for the next 10 years..am I supposed to just deal with that? Am I over reacting? Do I expect to much...or am I just finding out who he really is. .and maybe who I really am or what I really want? I've read a lot of opinions over all kinds of marriage topics on the internet and everyone always has different opionions. I just know that I don't want to end up like my parents...Married 25 years. .they don't communicate about anything that is ever bothering them. My mom has all this built up angry towards him. Don't know how my father feels..he never says anything.

Sorry for all the rambling. But I am hoping to get some good advice. Thanks!
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I tearing up my own marriage?

You and your husband sound like me and mine. We are not very outgoing either, I have few friends, he has none.

Does the porn really bother you or is it because he's hiding it and being secretive?

Why don't you have access to the bank account or money?

Most men LOVE new toys, a new phone is a toy. He's going to play with it, see what it does, It's a cool new thing, this should fade.

Do you get any time away from being a mom? Do you do anything as a couple without your child? I have found that "couples" time is extremely important, plan a date.

Stopping at the gas station and going out to lunch is quick and convenient. Maybe pick up the things he likes at the grocery store, that will save money, especially with bottle water, sodas etc ..

You need to pick and choose your battles. He's not cheating or having an affair, not a drinker, drugs, he's working, supporting his family. It could be a whole lot worse. I understand you are frustrated. Maybe he is going through a phase, maybe he is feeling overwhelmed. Stress is HUGE also.

How long has this been going on? Any changes besides you not working? You might have to sit back and be patient, constant nagging will tear your marriage apart.

Last edited by kgregory1011; 03-21-2011 at 02:24 PM. Reason: added more.
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I tearing up my own marriage?

My little sisterly advice:
1. When you need sex, don't just sit next to him waiting he finished playing him game.
Start flirting, teasing, stroking his cok and give him a blow job.
Actions! Just do it!
About the bank account. Tell him nicely that you need an access to his bank account because you need to buy things for the baby and you are not making money at this moment.
You don't have to think so much. Make it simple.
Just do it nicely. Say it nicely in a way he can't say no.
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I tearing up my own marriage?

The porn did really bother me at first but now that I've gotten into it a little myself. . it's ok. It's the secrecy part. He has to keep history deleted. .finds videos only when I'm not around.

The bank account. . when we got married we had seperate accounts. We kept them seperate I because even though I was working his money went to bills and mine was for groceries. . bascially. And when I quit working. . it didn't seem like a priority because he was the one making the money. But now I see how much money he has basically "wasted" without me evening knowing. When I brought it up he got mad and said I could just take care of everything myself. Which is not what I wanted. I wanted to figure things out together.

With the phone thing..I really think it was just the wrong time he got it. With his family just leaving I wanted him and I time and I wasn't getting that. He's always been that way with new stuff and I understand it's a guy thing.

NO time away from being a mom. I am always with her. .always. I'm not trying to make it sound bad. .but it does add on stress. We don't do date nights. . right now with him only working we are tight on money. That's why I've been trying to budget which seems impossible and pointless sometimes. We usually do get out. .for like our 1 yr anniversary. . v-day and b-days. . it's also due too. .right now my mom is really the only available good/cheap babysitter lol so whenever she's available we try to take advantage (nicely, if you know what I mean). Since talking about the extra stops at the gas station and stuff he has stopped for the most part. And like I explained to him. .i know he is working he needs food and stuff and I understand. But for some reason. .he won't take a lunch from home. He just doesn't eat. He will take a bottled water from home. .put not a can of pop. But he won't spend the money at the store to buy like a 6 pack of bottled Mt. Dew. .he's stubborn and it doesn't make sense. lol I know with everything going on it is stressful. He is a good man and that's why I feel like a horrible wife for seeing all these things that bother me. These things have been going on since we've had our daughter. .but I guess since I've been off work I've noticed them more and more and it's like I don't feel he's the same person I married sometimes.

The sisterly advice: I know I need to do that more! I guess sometimes I feel like I do a lot already. . dress up in outfits. .or lack of outfits lol make videos for him. .or suggest we make them together..and send him dirty messages to get him going. About the flirting or teasing. .the only thing we do is when we sit on the couch together and every once in a while he'll poke my leg or side or boob. Or he'll stick out his toungue and make noises at me. I'll poke him back. .and it's back and forth . . back and forth. But this happens everynight. .everyday all the time . .so it's not really flirting to me anymore. To me it just means we are in good moods. . cuz if none of that is going on. . we are mad at each other and in that case we just don't talk. We've only been married a year and we don't have any kind of passionate kissing..no tongue. One night we sat here drinking together. .we ended up having sex and I was on top and I kissed him and we had this passionate make out session that hasn't happened since the first year we were together! I said we needed to do that more often and he agreed. He said he missed it. . since then I have aniciated that and he never does. He already gets all the blow jobs he wants so I don't feel thats a problem.
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I tearing up my own marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by friendly View Post
My little sisterly advice:
1. When you need sex, don't just sit next to him waiting he finished playing him game.
Start flirting, teasing, stroking his cok and give him a blow job.
Actions! Just do it!
About the bank account. Tell him nicely that you need an access to his bank account because you need to buy things for the baby and you are not making money at this moment.
You don't have to think so much. Make it simple.
Just do it nicely. Say it nicely in a way he can't say no.
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Men are stupid. I mean that in as nice of a way as possible, but it's the truth. We don't get subtle hints. We don't get innuendos. We don't "read in to" a message and look for a hidden meaning. We are direct and to the point.
You want sex? Come get it.
One day a while back, my wife said something to me ( I can't remember what) and then disappeared for a while. I was in front of the idiot box. She finally walked out to the living room naked and asked when I was coming to the bedroom. I looked at her in surprise and said, "I didn't know I was supposed to. I thought you were taking a bath or something."
She just rolled her eyes and took me by the hand...
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I tearing up my own marriage?

She probably said. .let's go have sex and since you were watching the "idiot box" you didn't hear her. Your wife is a lot stronger than I. . because my thought process would have been. .if you can't even listen to me when I'm saying let's go have sex (or whatever) then you don't deserve the sex!!
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Old 03-22-2011, 10:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I tearing up my own marriage?

All you have to do is rattle the leash and my dogs come running from all over the house, out of a dead sleep to go for walk. If my wife said 'sex' I would interrupt putting out a kitchen fire to go.
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