Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......
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Old 03-27-2011, 02:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

Wife and I went last night to an adults only birthday party. I dropped off our little one (two year old) to grandma's (my mom) and headed back to pickup the W.

Wife and I had a good time but she can't seem to control her wine intake and started getting the dreaded "psycho eyes" where one misplaced word and/or action will set her off.

The majority of the guests are friends and family of hers so I tried to mingle and actually struck up some conversations. Anyway I look at my clock and call mom to check on my little prince and mom says he is being a bear (no nap that day )

I talked to the W and told her to stay at the party while I get our little boy and pick her up. Fast forward 45 minutes later W is still talking and drinking so I called her and asked her to meet me so we could leave. Apparently she was kinda pissed because I was hurrying her since the little one was about to pass out and I wanted to get him to bed.

Well her tone started getting more aggressive and I swear I can feel a dark energy flooding the car and she starts accusing me of wanting to leave early so I can go home and watch TV or on the computer not giving a crap that she was having a great time. At this point I've had enough of her BS (son is in the back passed out ) and I wrongly tell her to STFU and be quiet. Yes I know it was wrong but dear lord this woman is relentless.

From there I am called: Spic, fat ass, *******, irresponsible father, Debbie Downer,etc. This morning I left the house early to visit my mom real quick and she calls asking if I wanted a coffee and acting like nothing happened. Huh? She even gave me a hug and tried to kiss me to which I moved my head in disgust.

My peanut male brain cannot understand this.

PS: We have been to three different MC's and all of them recommend mood stabilizers+therapy. My family who are very religious tell me to kick her to the curb as they have noticed that I'm miserable. Yes I admit some Martyr tendancies on my part but I guess I just would hate to be a statistic.
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Old 03-27-2011, 04:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

She's a bully. But unlike in the movies where if you stand up to the the bully s/he cries and runs home, real bullies like it when you stand up to them so they can go totally schizo on you. My wife is one of those types. Always 60 seconds away from flipping out about god knows what. Just a few minutes ago she came into the family room, told me to move from the couch to the chair so she could lay down, turned off the DVR to pop in a movie and then proceeded to tell me I'm a useless worthless piece of crap. Now the movie is cranked up to jet engine volume and she'll probably be snoring in 15 minutes. Or not. She never gets to the stage you describe where at some time in the future it's like it never happened. She'll be fuming and silent the rest of the day and night and into tomorrow.

This is a continuation of an 'argument' she had with our kid yesterday about cleaning the garage, which was her idea. When he asked where to start she had a fit and took a defensive stance about how 'everyone is picking on me' then she proceeded to state that one or two cups of spilled grass seed - that's the problem. Mind you our garage looks like something out of "Hoarders". But the cup of grass seed, that's the problem. Nothing else can be touched and she ran into the house and wouldn't talk to anyone the whole day.

There's no point in trying to placate bullies. If you do they peck at you for being weak. And if you don't you have to be decapitated as a threat to the Queen.
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Old 03-27-2011, 04:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
She's a bully. But unlike in the movies where if you stand up to the the bully s/he cries and runs home, real bullies like it when you stand up to them so they can go totally schizo on you. My wife is one of those types. Always 60 seconds away from flipping out about god knows what. Just a few minutes ago she came into the family room, told me to move from the couch to the chair so she could lay down, turned off the DVR to pop in a movie and then proceeded to tell me I'm a useless worthless piece of crap. Now the movie is cranked up to jet engine volume and she'll probably be snoring in 15 minutes. Or not. She never gets to the stage you describe where at some time in the future it's like it never happened. She'll be fuming and silent the rest of the day and night and into tomorrow.

This is a continuation of an 'argument' she had with our kid yesterday about cleaning the garage, which was her idea. When he asked where to start she had a fit and took a defensive stance about how 'everyone is picking on me' then she proceeded to state that one or two cups of spilled grass seed - that's the problem. Mind you our garage looks like something out of "Hoarders". But the cup of grass seed, that's the problem. Nothing else can be touched and she ran into the house and wouldn't talk to anyone the whole day.

There's no point in trying to placate bullies. If you do they peck at you for being weak. And if you don't you have to be decapitated as a threat to the Queen.
Funny you mention that she is a bully because thats exactly how I see her. I call her on her BS which infuriates her even more. Yes I knew she had some quirks but I ignored them because of the chemistry I thought we had.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

Unless both of U get a sexual kick out of being abused, I simply will never understand why anyone stays in a one sided relationship. A friend of mine had a father whoe's wife was abusive and loved to demeanor the guy in front of his friend. The guy was a brilliant mechanic and one day while he was fixing my car I asked why. He replied. " I just love strong forceful women, That **** just turns me on. It took a long time to train her how to do it just right".
That marriage I understand, They both love each other, have an agreement and both are benefiting. You two however, appear abused and not loving any bit of it. You either need to leave, reach an agreement, cheat, leave her, divorce................ do something. nothing is worse than being miserable and abused.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

If she is calling you names, it's abuse. Nobody should do that as a matter of course during a routine arguement, that's how you tell it's abuse. If someone calls you a bad name or says something and it's completely out of character for them, well, ok nobody's perfect. But she's getting lit and she's mad because you needed to put the baby to bed? No, that's abuse.

Dog is right, sounds like a bully. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't other than abuse is wrong. People like this don't change, they need YEARS to mellow out...you've got to decide whether you are going to go or stay and live with her the way she is.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

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Originally Posted by whynotme View Post
If she is calling you names, it's abuse. Nobody should do that as a matter of course during a routine arguement, that's how you tell it's abuse. If someone calls you a bad name or says something and it's completely out of character for them, well, ok nobody's perfect. But she's getting lit and she's mad because you needed to put the baby to bed? No, that's abuse.

Dog is right, sounds like a bully. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't other than abuse is wrong. People like this don't change, they need YEARS to mellow out...you've got to decide whether you are going to go or stay and live with her the way she is.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.
Thanks for the response. I agree that people rarely change and when they do it takes a very long time to "mellow". You are right that its up to me and honestly I've been living in denial and enabling her crappy behavior. I have a strong desire for family so I've overlooked her issues for the sake of family.

Funny thing is now she is sweet and loving like nothing happend. Its like I'm married to two different women.
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Old 03-29-2011, 03:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

Maybe you should have told her, "Didn't I just tell you to STFU?" )

She is probably a bully because you let her be a bully. You need to find your boundaries, set them, and if they are crossed act appropriately.

More than likely she probably doesn't think you have the spine to pack your bags and walk, so she can do what she pleases.

Overbearing and controlling men do the same thing to women they know won't or think they can't leave.

My first wife was overbearing and controlling.

I was her first husband. I was, at the time, a nice guy doormat.

her second husband was an overbearing, controlling moron.

Her soon to be ex-3rd husband was a druggie, psychotic, alcoholic who cheated on her with other men.

I'm still the one she hates the most and we parted on what I thought were good terms.
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

Whoa! Sounds like my life!
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

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Originally Posted by Boogsie View Post
Maybe you should have told her, "Didn't I just tell you to STFU?" )

She is probably a bully because you let her be a bully. You need to find your boundaries, set them, and if they are crossed act appropriately.

More than likely she probably doesn't think you have the spine to pack your bags and walk, so she can do what she pleases.

Overbearing and controlling men do the same thing to women they know won't or think they can't leave.

My first wife was overbearing and controlling.

I was her first husband. I was, at the time, a nice guy doormat.

her second husband was an overbearing, controlling moron.

Her soon to be ex-3rd husband was a druggie, psychotic, alcoholic who cheated on her with other men.

I'm still the one she hates the most and we parted on what I thought were good terms.
Sad thing is that I hate myself for talking to my wife like that. She should be the person that brings joy into my life and here I am stopping her verbal diarrhea with STFU. Normal people stop being aggressive when they see that the other person is upset. Body language on a person who is upset is painfully obvious. She sees this and its like a shark smelling blood in the water. I sometimes wonder if she just enjoys the conflict and the high that comes with it.
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Aggressive and Dominant Wife.. sigh......

I really think it is time for a very firm discussion, where you two sit down and aggree on the basic rules of engagement. Part of mutual respect.

For instance, my wife and I agreed that it will never be acceptable to call each other names, or use profanity that is directed at each other. If this occurs, you go straight to jail ... er separation or divorce, unless it is followed immediately with a heart felt apology.

Just tell her that the next time this happens, without exceptions, divorce is on the table.

She'll ask if this isn't a little too extreme, because it is hard to stop something immediately. Just tell her that if treating you civil is too extreme, then it is obvious that you two do not belong together.

Yes, I probably give crappy advice, but you'll end the abuse one way or another.
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