I stumbled onto this site the beginning of the week and just need some advice . Last weekend i found some things on our computer (emails from my wife to another man.) I questioned my wife and of course there was denial at first and after we talked some more she admitted to talking to this other guy (meeting him as well). We have been together for 11 yrs ,married for almost 6 of them . We have been talking alot over the past week,and just dont know where it will go from here . She has apologized and knows what she did is wrong and says she has cut ties with this guy(which for obvious reasons i dont believe).. I started my own business 3 yrs ago and have not made myself available for her. I pour most all of my energy into work and she has been telling me and telling me that I needed to give her the attention ,affection and support she needed. But i ignored all her pleas and now she has all but thrown in the towel . I always thought if someone did this to me ,i would just leave (which is what happened in my 1st marriage) but i was surprised at my reaction to all this . I think i pushed her to this and have already forgiven her (forgetting will be much more difficult). We are going to start with a counsellor next week and am just hoping it will help us both..We both know we have to work on this ,but after talking to her ,she just seems to be convinced that all her pleas were ignored before ,so how can i change now. has anyone been in this situation ,and what did you do to convince your spouse that you will do anything to make things right?
I stumbled onto this site the beginning of the week and just need some advice . Last weekend i found some things on our computer (emails from my wife to another man.) I questioned my wife and of course there was denial at first and after we talked some more she admitted to talking to this other guy (meeting him as well). We have been together for 11 yrs ,married for almost 6 of them . We have been talking alot over the past week,and just dont know where it will go from here . She has apologized and knows what she did is wrong and says she has cut ties with this guy(which for obvious reasons i dont believe).. I started my own business 3 yrs ago and have not made myself available for her. I pour most all of my energy into work and she has been telling me and telling me that I needed to give her the attention ,affection and support she needed. But i ignored all her pleas and now she has all but thrown in the towel . I always thought if someone did this to me ,i would just leave (which is what happened in my 1st marriage) but i was surprised at my reaction to all this . I think i pushed her to this and have already forgiven her (forgetting will be much more difficult). We are going to start with a counsellor next week and am just hoping it will help us both..We both know we have to work on this ,but after talking to her ,she just seems to be convinced that all her pleas were ignored before ,so how can i change now. has anyone been in this situation ,and what did you do to convince your spouse that you will do anything to make things right?
Hold on. Try and mke it work. Make some time for each other. Go on dates and build your relationship over. It can be done. Make the time!!! If you choose to start over you will have to be able to trust her..
You and your wife have made some positive steps already. You have both acknowleged your weeknesses and are communicating about your marriage. Futhermore, you want to make your relationship better for each other and will be going to marriage counseling. I can think of only one thing at this point. Read "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. Another forum member has done a very nice review of this book in the book section. I believe this book will help you understand how you and your wife got to this point. Inaddition, it will help you move forward.
thanx for the encouragement, we have talked alot in the past week and we both know that we have made mistakes , only thing im worried about is that maybe she is just tired of beating a dead horse . I know that i have not been available to her and everyone in my family for that matter . She has told me that she is just not sure if i will change .. I Im thin king we both need some time to heal and work on what is it that will make us happy . I dont want to separate and she says the same , but there is so much tension in the house right now ,neither of us are very comfortable . We both moved away from our friends and family to start our own lives here (both of our families are not supportive and as for our friends the few we have here think we are the perfect couple and we dont want to drag them into this ). Our kids are all teenagers(3 boys and 1 girl)and they live with our exs(she has a son from a previous marriage . and i have 2 boys and a girl from a previous marriage). They have no clue to what is going on and we plan on keeping it that way unless the issues cant be resolved. Enough rambling ,i guess what im getting at is ,,,can someone forgive someone for not being there for them
I believe the answer is "yes" to your question. As long as you can both move forward and be there for each other in the future. My husband and I are separated; I can honestly say as time passes I'm learning to hold fewer grudges for what happened in the past. It's all about what happens now and in the future. As long as past mistakes don't repeat themselves each day looks brighter.
thanx for the encouragement, we have talked alot in the past week and we both know that we have made mistakes , only thing im worried about is that maybe she is just tired of beating a dead horse . I know that i have not been available to her and everyone in my family for that matter . She has told me that she is just not sure if i will change .. I Im thin king we both need some time to heal and work on what is it that will make us happy . I dont want to separate and she says the same , but there is so much tension in the house right now ,neither of us are very comfortable . We both moved away from our friends and family to start our own lives here (both of our families are not supportive and as for our friends the few we have here think we are the perfect couple and we dont want to drag them into this ). Our kids are all teenagers(3 boys and 1 girl)and they live with our exs(she has a son from a previous marriage . and i have 2 boys and a girl from a previous marriage). They have no clue to what is going on and we plan on keeping it that way unless the issues cant be resolved. Enough rambling ,i guess what im getting at is ,,,can someone forgive someone for not being there for them
A resounding YES!!!!! If you both choose to give it your all, you can and WILL get through this rough spot. My husband and I were exactly where you are. We are now stronger and happier than ever. I"m SO THANKFUL that we both stuck it out and have given it everything we've got. There is an upside to your situation. You'll find that you will no longer take the small things for granted. You'll learn to appreciate everything about each other.
What is most encouraging is that neither of you want to separate, so as long as you both are vested in your marriage it can be even better than before. You will need to know she has really stopped all contact & she will need to know you're serious about changing and that the changes are lasting.
Time will be the key here. You need time to heal from her betrayal and she will need time to see that your changes are real and lasting. Be patient with one another and talk things out and even more importantly make time to have fun together.
Counsiling is a good starting point for the both of you. You can see that you were a part of the problem and need to fix things about yourself too. That part is great. But now you honestly need to communicate with one another and learn to use that as your guide. Give it time I hope you heal and wish you the best.
thanx again to everyone ,i really appreciate the encouragemant . Last night we had dinner (after she got home ,,shes a manager at a pharmacy) talked to each other as if nothing had happened and went to bed and to my surprise she was wanting to have sex...i thought "wow" and when we were done she seemed bothered.. I know right now im gonna read more into things than may be there ,, but i just felt like she had regretted making love to me . I feel like i am smothering her because any insecurity or doubt that enters my mind ,,i just speak up ,, i know we should talk about things but am i pushing it too far? I am obviously very skeptical about anything she says , and until about a week ago , i would have believed anything she told me . its just hard to believe she can lie , it really is not part of her character. We talked about going to counselling next week because im on a job site , and the deadline is next monday . She called one day to set up an appointment and got their answering service , then i called sat and actually got to talk to the counsellor about an appointment . is it strange that the counsellor wanted to know over the phone what some of issues were? anyway the only reason i mentioned this is cause i took "her" making the follow up call as a positive (hoping she really does wanna work it out )
Maybe she was thinking how you felt about her after making it with her. Girls do that, you know. Women want to know they are loved and cared about and/or for.
Go talk about and work on your relationship, and romance her more.
thanx again to the responders . After doing a little snooping ,i have learned all the information about this "other" guy . Do i have the right to contact him and or his spouse? I know im hurt but should i make his wife go through what im going through? ON one hand i think its not my place to bring pain to another marriage but on the other hand i feel like she has a right to know . This guy and i cross paths everyday on our way to work and i could easily confdront him . Before i didnt disclose that he was a local person and someone shee has to have contact with at least once a week . He is one of her sales reps and ive read on here people telling others to make them leave their job ,but that is really not an option here . She told me she would schedule herself to not be there when he comes in for his weekly visit ,but after being lied to i dont know if i can beleive that either . My work takes me at least an hour from home everyday and gives oppertunity for either one to make contact if they chose to. I know i cant begin to trust quickly but does anyone have any tips or suggestions on how to help me be a little less distracted with this. I just feel like if hisd wife were to know at least she can somewhat monitor him. Im doing all i can to trust my wife but this wound is just too fresh right now.
In some cases I would say go for it and contact the other man's wife. However, I don't think it would be a good idea in your case. Your wife has admitted to the relationship and she is willing to go to marriage counseling. Just keep an eye on things now. If you told the other man's wife about the situation, there's a chance she would divorce him. That would leave him single and free to pursue your wife. For now just work on your relationship with your wife. Are there any rules at your wife's place of employment about dating other employees?
Just dont know what to do.
Re: Just dont know what to do.
