I wont give you a long read. I am male, 36, married for 10, no children, and I want a life back, where I have a good friend and not a wife anymore. I have been considering this for a year, and although I feel strong about it, my wife, although not always happy in our marriage, is for the most part content, and not expecting this move from me.
I know I sound like the pig here, but I think I am actually a nice guy. I do care about her, and I want to limit the hurt as much as possible.
I really believe we are good friends, and I think we can stay that, without the title of "marriage" obscuring everything.
So how do I do this? How do I tell her that I think we need to be separated for a while and see what the future holds for us? How do I make this bearable for her?
You need to be honest with her ank sit down and talk to her.I am a wife who is in limbo right now because my husband is not talking to me about what he wants and needs.I need answers that he wont give me .He refuses to go to counselling and he has made no effort to try anything.Maybe if you tell her how you feel there may be something to work on.
unfortunately no timing is really right when it comes to this situation. i agree with ocean otter, you have to sit down and b honest with her.
i dont think taking her out for a meal and telling her is a good idea.
u have to do this in the privacy of your own home.
you way you feel, is the way you feel.
your not a pig, your just not in love anymore.
you can just make it more bearable by doing it quicker, than lingering. like i said do it in privacy.
but you cant hang around either, thats not fair.
maybe ask for some time to yourself.
What life do you feel you are missing out on now, that you wish to get back? Can you imagine getting everything you want within your marriage providing some changes are made?
I would recommend really thinking through what is causing you to want to bail & if there are things that would change that, try talking to her and trying that route first.
If you don't, it is likely you will eventually meet someone else and have all the excitement in the beginning and over time end up right where you are now...unless you have decided committed relationships are just not for you and want to leave so you can perpetually date.
So I actually did it. In an unprecedented move, I wrote her a letter, summarizing my feelings. I just thought I could express myself better by writing.
She pretty much had a nervous breakdown on the spot, and after hours of crying and talking, I realized I had no choice but to ignore my feelings, and put her's first. She was devastated. I just can't do it to her. I told her that I was just telling her my feelings, and that it wasn't what I really wanted - just to try and keep the peace.
So I continue to bear this burden. I continue to wonder about a life free of the fetters of this marriage, while I stay in this one-sided relationship, with a woman that simply can't live without me.
I just wanted another shot at life. See what else is out there. See it with my own eyes, not the eyes of "a married couple". My life is boring. I know how the day begins and how it ends. She seems to be content with that life, because she obviously enjoys the "safety net" that I provide, not just financially, but emotionally, and spiritually too.
Ironically, while doing that, I have completely isolated myself from God and my own emotions. I just wanted to see if I could get that back, and somehow, it really feels like I need to do it alone. My wife is not even willing to let me go away for 1 night, to think things over etc. She literally can't survive one night without me. She has no friends, and does not understand my need to get out, or be alone.
Anyways - just ranting here. I can't see the future, but I can't make the feelings that I have go away. This mind of mine is in overdrive. I have no idea what will become of me. I don't suppose any of you would have advice for this dire situation, but if you do, I am listening.
I really feel for you! I'm in the same situation and my hubby and I are not talking at the moment (at all!) He refuses to face facts.
Have you met someone else? My eyes were opened when I met a guy and we stared flirty texts (we won't ever do anything else) but it made me feel that my ubby is boring, that we have no spart, no romance and to be honest I don't think I want that with him anymore.
Is this how you feel? It's nice to hear someone else like me so I don't feel like such an evil cow!
I love him and want to share my life with him (as a friend) caring for him, being there if needs to talk, etc but the thought of sex with him makes me cringe at the moment!
People reckon I'm having a "mid life crisis" but I have felt this way before - have you?
Do you feel that you need to go out and have fun, enjoy being single and the riskyness that can come with that?
I don't think I would ever want another "serious" relationship - do feel like this?
Sorry for the questions, but I am curious that someone else is actually feeling the same.
Gud luck anyway! :-)
While I can see your side of the situation, I'm a woman who is now in your wife's position. Only difference is my husband had no regard for my feelings and moved out in the spring (after 20 something years of marriage). Why can't you and your wife be friends and be married? This is the question I keep asking. I really think marriage counseling might help. Wouldn't it be great to find out how to stay married and have a great life?! That's what I'm hoping to have one day. Also, read the book, "The Five Love languages". I think it will help you to understand some things.
My wife is not even willing to let me go away for 1 night, to think things over etc. She literally can't survive one night without me. She has no friends, and does not understand my need to get out, or be alone.
How much weight does this carry in your wanting to escape? I would imagine it is a huge burden to be her only friend and source of happiness and then toss in some guilt for wanting a little freedom/independence.
If this is the root of your issue, you may want to force things in this direction vs. an all or none (stay or leave) scenario. What if you just find a male retreat through your church or something and tell her it's something you need to do to reconnect with God?
If you keep it inside and let it fester, your resentment will only build and you will not look at your wife in the same way. That won't work for either of you long-term. She will probably be more receptive to you being gone a few days if she understands your internal turmoil.
Thank you all for your time. Well as you can imagine, things are bumpy right now. She doesn't know if I still want to stay, and I can't get myself to hurt her more. So we just take it day to day.
I am giving her some time to think, since she did not expect this. Swedish, I think I will try what you suggested.
Yes I do. Not so much tired, but indeed lack-luster. I have lost interest in most of my hobbies during my marriage. Nothing seems fun or worth doing anymore. Even life itself is a major bore/drag for me - especially with my wife. Nothing we do, amuses me. I just can't believe that "this is it".
It just seems to me sometimes that if I could be free again, with no attachments, that many things would get meaning again, and that life would become an adventure somehow again.
So I have already made some effort to try and remove these feelings of sadness and boredom from my heart. I really want them to go away, because, then everything will be fine again won't they?
I have gone out of my way to get us into various hobbies - indoor and outdoor. But my feelings remain. If I don't "kill" every minute of the day with "something", then I go mad with my thoughts. And there is this almost desperate longing to be alone. I have no idea where it comes from or what it means. But I am sure it is only temporary. I just don't know what to do about it right now. I have been patient and hoping it will go away, but I will lie if I tell you it did.
You are making yourself lackluster. When you have a feeling in your heart, there is only one thing that is appropriate to do with it. And that is to feel it fully. I'm not talking of going into a decline with a bottle of whiskey, and your darkest thoughts! No, I am talking about honoring what your heart is trying to tell you instead of sweeping it under the carpet.
Again, I am not saying you need to DO ANYTHING. This is an exercise that is best done alone in an armchair, or on a country walk. What you will find is that these feelings in your heart are not the bogey-men you think they are. But you won't give them house-room. Because you constantly suppress them, they have had to get stronger in order to be heard. So the pain keeps increasing. And the other thing that is happening is that half your energy is going into creating these feelings, and the other half is going into your need to suppress them. So all you are doing is aging prematurely.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somesincereperson
It just seems to me sometimes that if I could be free again, with no attachments, that many things would get meaning again, and that life would become an adventure somehow again.
I would like to hear more about when life used to be an adventure...
I hear what you are saying, but I am afraid om those feelings. Making just a little room for them, has allready caused a lot of tears and pain. But I will try what you suggest.
As for the adventure, lol, I don't even know what that means. I got married just when that was about to start :-)
No but seriously, I look at people around me, I hear lyrics of songs, and I see words of poets and writers, and it seems that they are in this amazing one-shot adventure.... and I am not.
I think it stems from the fact that I didn't get to do any fun stuff before I got married. I was very conservative. Feels like I need to catch up with something, before I am old. And that, haunts me.
We've tried many things to have fun together, many hobbies, but like I said, nothing amuses me. Our conversations, and the "things" we try and do, that married people are "supposed" to go out and do, are just not fun for me anymore. I keep on imagining myself somewhere else, with other friends, and even with other women, or just completely, completely alone.
How do I break it......?
