Relationship built on lies
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Old 04-08-2011, 11:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Relationship built on lies

My wife and I are both very young, I am 21 and she is 23, and we have only been married for 4 months. When we originally met I was not looking for a girlfriend, but she seemed pretty amazing and after talking for a while I couldn't resist dating her. We fell in love quickly and the more I was with her and got to know her all I could think of was that she was absolutely perfect for me and all I could ever want in a wife. So after about 7 months of dating I proposed. The next day she was in mild car collision and went to the hospital to get checked out. No injuries, but we do find out that she is several weeks pregnant.

At this time my scholarship expires and I no longer have a means to pay for school so my soon to be spouse and I talk and I decide to join the National Guard. Seemed like an excellent way to get school paid for and help start my family, and it has definitely been an excellent idea so far. I go to training soon after and about a month after I get home we get married while she is about 8 months pregnant instead of waiting to finish our degrees like we had originally planned before we knew about the baby. Now we have a wonderful healthy son who is almost 3 months old.

When I first got home from training is when problems began. I read through some old Facebook messages of hers and there were a lot of very sexually explicit messages between her and numerous other men. She had told me before that she had only had 5 sex partners before me so I asked her about this she said most of those were just her flirting and none of it ever happened and that some of the messages between one particular guys were from her friend hacking her account and setting her up and when she met the guy he attempted to rape her and that if I didn't believe she almost got rapped that I was a horrible person. I believed her and that was that.

A few weeks after we get married a very inconsiderate mutual friend of ours asks me why I married her and tells me that she's a major *****. He then proceeded to tell me some very bothersome stories about her actions from fraternity parties before I met her. I ask her about these allegations and she denies them and tells me that if I love her I will believe her and not some other guy "who doesn't know what really happened." She also gives me the names of the other guys she's actually had sex with, except she only gives me 4 names. When I ask her about the 5th she says she forgot and sits there looking worried for several minutes while she thinks up a name and gives me a story to go along with it about how she regretted him. I decide I will take her word for it but I am not completely sure if she is being truthful. I try to put it out of my mind so we can go back to being happy newly weds, but a month later it popped into my head that she wasn't being truthful and it began to bother me some.

This time I went and talked to her best friend that she used to go out with on the weekends before she met me. After some coaxing her best friend tells me that my wife did used to have sex with a different guy almost every weekend. I talk to my wife about this and tell her that her best friend told me these things but she still denies the allegations. She even swore on the sanctity of our marriage and the wellbeing of our son that she wasn't lying to me. She then proceeded to tell me a story about what really happened that was completely different than the last one and said that she's sorry for lying but this one was the truth and she would never lie to me again. She also gave me the 5 guys' names again. Except one of the names is different. I confronted her about one being different and she said she was sorry she didn't tell me about the 6th because she was ashamed of it. At this point I completely don't believe any of her story.

It's not that I am angry because of her promiscuity. Past is past and I can move past that because we love each other (although it is still slightly bothersome that she previously had sex all of the time with random guys and she and I hardly ever had sex), but its the fact that she so intently lied to me about it. She even made up an excuse about almost being raped that wasn't true and said everything else possible to make me trust her. She even admits and apologizes to lying about it now but only because no matter what she says she knows I won't believe her.

I've also realized that she lies about lots of other things to me. She tells me her feelings on certain things, then I'll find out that she felt completely different about the situation from one of her friends. She always hides her true feelings and emotions from me and just tells me what I want to hear, and I now realize that is what she has done since I met her. She's expressed to me that she has to act certain ways around certain people or she thinks they won't like her. She acts like a different person to me, her parents and family, and has a different face for each of her friends. All she is ever doing is acting and I can't tell whats been real and what hasn't in our relationship. I feel like our entire relationship has been built upon lies. She seemed like she was perfect for me, but she was just acting perfect so I would love her.

I don't even know who she really is at this point and I have zero trust for anything she says or does. I just can't believe a word of anything she says anymore. There were even times early in our relationship when there were indicators of her cheating on me, but I trusted her so some I would just tell myself that she loved me and would never do that and completely believed she wouldn't. There was even a message I read from some guy that went along the lines of, "You're pregnant? It's not mine is it?" Sometimes I still feel like I love her, but most of the time I absolutely hate her now. I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life. If she can't be completely honest with me as her husband then what right did she have marrying me? I agreed to look into some counseling and books on rebuilding trust, but I am just not sure they will work. There is absolutely nothing there that gives me any room to trust her again or believe anything she says and I can't go on living in a marriage like this and it's driving me insane.

Last edited by Kal90; 04-08-2011 at 11:29 AM.
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Old 04-08-2011, 08:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Relationship built on lies

sounds like my mother, i.e. a very manipulitive woman.
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Old 04-08-2011, 08:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Relationship built on lies

Please tell me she isn't Russian?**

Seriously, It's always the lie that implodes the relationship. Once someone betrays your trust, it's hard to ever trust them again.



**No Racist
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Relationship built on lies

She is very young and very insecure. The behaviors you describe are those of someone who has very low self-esteem--promiscuity and showing a different face to each person/group, so she will be acceptable to them.

Because you are already married, you will have to make a difficult decision. On the one hand, there is tremendous benefit if the two of you start marriage counseling and she, at least, starts individual counseling as well. As she changes, she will need you to change and grow, too, or the marriage will be at risk for different reasons. But going through this and learning to grow together will give you a very solid basis for a future together. You may need individual counseling too-you rushed into marriage and were fooled by someone who was not happy with herself or able to be herself. This is not a criticism--lots of people make this mistake. But, you may have some insecurities and her attachment to you may have bolstered your poor self esteem. Consider this possibility; ignore it if it doesn't seem valid for you.

Your other choice is to cut your losses now. Counseling can make a huge difference, but it may not be enough. She could have very deep-seeded issues that will take many years to work through, and she might continue to lie for years. (Promiscuity and low self-esteem can be signs of former sexual abuse, too). You are both young and maybe moving on is best for you.

There is a child involved, however, so if you think you can give it a couple of years with lots of counseling, do it. At least then you can tell your son you tried, when he is old enough to want information. And counseling may help you divorce as a mutual decision, which can greatly decrease the animosity between you--and an amicable divorce is best for your son, if it comes to that.

Talk to your wife and let her know that her sexual past is not the issue, that the lying is. Rebuilding trust will take effort and time and lots of counseling, and is she willing to do the work to try to make a go of it? There is no shame in saying "we were just too young," either. Have a heart to heart and then judge her sincerity by her actions, not her words--and tell her that is how it has to be until the trust is rebuilt (and again, that takes years). If she commits to counseling and all that goes with it, and you begin to see other, small improvements over several months, you will know she is sincere. If after 6 months you cannot see any evidence of consistent commitment, well, you have tried.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Relationship built on lies

I suppose I do need to make a choice, but I think my biggest problem is I can't decide what to do. It's like 99% of me knows I can never trust anything about her ever again and that I should divorce her, but this tiny 1% of me still wants to love her and can't let go.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Relationship built on lies

Let that 1% get you into counseling for the sake of your son. You'll figure out pretty quickly if you can see hope or not. It is at least taking action rather than being stuck in indecision.
Good luck.
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