I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

Hi,

I'm going to be completely honest and say right off the bat that I'm not a good person. I've cheated on my wife and know it's wrong and if she found out I'd deserve whatever bad thing happened to me.

I know 100% that if I told her about this it would lead to divorce. Actually I would welcome it as I'm really not happy, however, I know it would devastate her and I would feel so bad thinking about her alone. I do love my wife but it's almost more of a father's love for a child. I would feel so sorry for her and worry that she'd end up lonely. She has said a while back that she doesn't know what she would ever do without me. Plus, it would feel like throwing away all those years of memories (almost 12 years of marriage). She's a very nice person and it kills me to think about her with a broken heart.

I am unhappy in the marriage for a few reasons but one of the biggest is that she stopped working about 2 years ago and I really resent that I work and she doesn't. At first I was fine with it as I know she had a really hard time of it at work but I thought after a break she'd find a different job. About 6 months ago I asked if she'd planned on going back to work and she cried for quite a long time about that and what it boiled down to was that it was too hard to work while I was going back and forth from my job. (I work about 1/2 the year away from home and the other half I'm off). I cold see if we had kids to take care of but we don't so it's just the two of us and honestly, it makes me very angry. It's not about the money but If I would have know my wife would quite working completely at the age of 35 I doubt I would've married her (although I can't say for sure).

One other thing that I really resent happened early in the marriage but still bothers me. She would constantly reject me as far as sex goes and would only do it when she initiated it. After a while I just gave up trying. I think that really hurt me and,like I said, I still resent that to this day. Although now she is much more receptive to sex since she quit working it almost makes it seem worse. I know this happened a long time ago and I should get over it but I can't.

There are a lot of other things that I could bore you with but I'm sure if she posted she'd have a laundry list of things that bother her too so I'm not going to (this is a little long already).

I've got a job lead that we could stay together and not be apart but she's against it as we'd have to move a long way away. I don't think this would solve our problems but at least the stress of being away would be removed (plus I'm having a hard time of it at my job.)

Any advice would be appreciated.
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

I can tell that the affair is killing you from the inside - the secret is killing you. It should hurt you, it should feel awful that you've betrayed your wife, so it's good that you do feel sorry for it.

As difficult as it will be, I think you have to tell your W about the affair. It will probably devastate her and it will take a while to heal, but as long as you carry this secret there will always be emotional distance between you two as you try to protect your secret. And obviously, you need to end the affair if it's still going on.

There are alot of cheated on spouses on these boards, so get ready for some backlash I'm guessing.
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Old 04-08-2011, 11:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

Tell her you cheated on her. You are lying to every day you act like you didn't cheat. She has a right to know you haven't been faithful to her.

Are you still involved in the affair or not? If you are, cut it off and either work on your marriage or leave.

Tell her that you want sex if that is what you want. Why doesn't she work?
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Old 04-08-2011, 02:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

If you were worried that an affair would devastate her you wouldn't have gone through with it in the first place. I'm not sure if you're fooling yourself or assuming you're fooling the forum with that one. You're protecting your interests, not hers.

Grow some balls and tell the woman. She deserves that much.
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

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Originally Posted by WhereAmI View Post
If you were worried that an affair would devastate her you wouldn't have gone through with it in the first place. I'm not sure if you're fooling yourself or assuming you're fooling the forum with that one. You're protecting your interests, not hers.

Grow some balls and tell the woman. She deserves that much.

Having a wife that won'tnown up to it even after caught. Chances are she already knows anyways and is waiting for to come clean. And she has some balls well she did I recently removed them from her purse and reattached them inbetween my legs.

As for hating you no I don't hate you I think what youdid was low and spineless and for the act of the affair you should be held responsible but you need to tell your wife. At the very least tell her you want a divorce as it is defnitley seems you are cake eating. Though you should tellher about the affair to and be honest about it. If you actualy do care about her being devastated or not at least this will give her self esteem a fighting chance knowing it wasn't her it was you. That you acted like a d-bag (don't know you well enough to know if you are one but that action is a d-bag move) and couldn't handle talking with her about whatever problems their were in the relationship.

and yes that is all coming off a lot harsher then I mean it but well its only been two weeks since D-day for me.
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Old 04-09-2011, 07:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

OK, then roughneck, man up, tell the girl. She deserves to know. As for what you did and who you did it with, I am going to hazard a guess and say it isn't an ongoing thing with the same woman, but rather several instances with randoms, judging by your work rota.

You WILL have to live with the fallout, but if you genuinely feel bad about it, and REALLY don't want it to happen again, then stay away from situations where it could happen, stay off the drink, out of bars, and come straight home to her after every hitch away. Take the steps to ensure it won't happen and make sure she knows you are doing these things.

It isn't going to win her trust back, but it may be enough to convince her not to kick your ass to the kerb and take you for 60% of your **** and a hefty lump of your pay-cheque as well.
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

I agree, you have to tell her. You may want to get into MC before. There really isn't a good way to do it though.

People do forgive affairs. You should have gotten into MC to talk about issues and unhappiness before it came to this.
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Old 03-03-2012, 12:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

You guys just go on and on about how he should tell the woman and get balls and everything. Did you even read that HE IS NOT HAPPY?
I say don't tell her. Just get a divorce. Tell her you are not happy.
Part ways as friends!
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Old 03-04-2012, 03:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

I hear what you are saying and my first thought is when I hear someone say that they aren't happy and start blaming said unhappiness on others it's a red flag.

Before you jump ship and move far far away which btw won't solve your problems have you considered IC to learn how to set boundaries in a healthy way vs letting resentment build? I mean your wife hasn't worked in TWO years and you are just now deciding to do something about it? That's a sign you don't know how to stand up for yourself.

I'm not saying don't leave I'm saying you need some skills before you get involved with someone else otherwise you will end up in this same position again.
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Old 03-05-2012, 06:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

Do you want to stay married to your wife?
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Old 03-06-2012, 09:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

Honestly, if you know you aren't a good person, why did you ever get married???
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Old 03-06-2012, 01:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

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Originally Posted by arcticfox View Post
Do you want to stay married to your wife?
Agreed. Do you want to stay married to her?
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Old 03-06-2012, 02:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

At 35 years of age, your wife should be working. I don't blame you for being upset about that. Divorce stinks, it makes everybody poor. I live in MA, it's a 50 50 state. A year ago I was debt free, now I'm up to my neck in debt, not to mention the expensive divorce lawyer. Don't tell her about the affair, it'll only kill her. My husband cheated on me for 12 years, with the same woman. It drove me over the edge. I stayed because I was afraid to start over, afraid of having no money. Well, I'm broke but happy. Mentally, I'm at peace. If you plan on staying don't tell your wife about the affair. If you decide to leave, just leave, don't tell her about the affair, it takes years to get over. She'll have enough on her plate trying to deal with the divorce.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

If you are truly unhappy, why not divorce her? I understand it would be hard on her. Sounds like she probably will have trouble supporting herself but she's a grown woman. She will have to learn. Maybe this is what she needs to make her take on adult responsibilities.
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:35 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy

A w know whens something is not right. It might be the reason for her not working, crying and breaking down? I know for me, who used to be the most outgoing/positive/active person ever, when I could sense something off I immediately shut down. Hard to explain "why" but I can tell you I couldn't control the daze I was in. Which, in-turn, can add even more stress in a relationship...like it sounds like in yours.
I don't know if, when or how you tell her but IF you want to stay married then maybe consider the cycle you two have needs to be broken. 12 years is a long time invested. It's too bad you chose to make it harder on ya'll but maybe it can be fixed.
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