Loosing all hope....

Robert · 09-26-2008, 08:12 PM

I'll try to make it as brief as I can. There is alot of detail to this thread but here it goes.

I have been married 16 years, I have two boys 8 and 12, my wife has decided that she does'nt love me anymore! About three years ago I had an affair with a young women, she made me feel alive and new, I was probably going thru mid life if you ask me now, but nonetheless this affair lasted 3 months. I eventually was caught and embarrassed by the whole ordeal. My wife filed for divorce two months into this affair sand I snapped this feeling I had been under almost like a spell. I could not afford to loose my wife, my kids and everything that was important to me. I came crawling back on my hands and knees and begged my way back into my house and my lovely wife. Ever since that day my life has changed, I love my wife more than ever before, I have completely transformed myself and I am now more loving, considerate, respectful, appreciative, the list goes on and on. It took something so stupid for me to realize what I had. Nevertheless, things are different now 3 1/2 years later, this time it is my wife that wants out, she says she does'nt love me anymore and has been unhappy for the last 3 years and has managed to stay that long because of our boys. I am having a hard time accepting that because all along I thought things were okay, she's acted normal and behaved like usual??? Anyways, since september she has moved out and in with a girlfriend, my wife is 39 years old and says that she does'nt want to spend the rest of her life living like we have been for the past 16 years. There is alot more here that I am not talking about, like my wife cheating on me before my affair, with a women. Also after my affair my wife had another affair with a friend who helped her get over the grief of what I had done. I felt like we were even like we could work out our differences but I guess it's larger than it seems. Her excuse lately is that she needs time, space to figure things out, to decide what she wants to do, but I have a hard time with this because of all the trust issues we have. We have never gone to counseling I dont even know if that would help but she has actually agreed to go this time and I am not about to pass up the opportunity. I love my wife dearly and I can forgive her for everything she is doing and has done, I'm not better but I understand how she feels. The difficulty comes when my kids ask where is mom, it hurts and is painful and I cannot bear to tell them the truth. I agreed with her that she needed space and told her to move out and she didn't hesitate. I know that she must be living life right now, going out day after day, night after night, meeting new people making new friends, etc. I just hope that she is not sleeping around but, I'm an adult and I know that the possibility is high. I have considered selling the house and selling everything we own as a way to get her to react like I did when she filed for divorce but nothing seems to work, nothing. what should I do, should I move on with my life, should I try more for the kids sake for myself? I love this women and I am desperate and lonely. She is very good looking and I am a handsome guy too, but I don't even have the desire to meet anybody new and I'm going crazy!!! Is this payback??? Can we ever be with each other again? Will I loose her forever? I'm really hating life right now. Oh well, like I said theres alot more details left out, good and bad, that has all led up to this happening. We are both to blame for this relationship being upside down, I just wanna know will my wife ever come back? I need help??

draconis · 09-26-2008, 11:04 PM

Both of you have been infaithful so you should not shoulder all the blame there. After such a long time with one person thinking outside the box might not seem doable but it really is.

For now however you need to see if you can get her into counsiling and even if she doesn't go then you need to for yourself.

Take things one step at a time. Try to save the marriage without any major changes. Remember that your kids are going through a much harder time then you are and they need you. Give her space and see what counsiling can turn up.

If you exhaust the ability to repair the marriage then look at the next step then.

draconis

ljtseng · 09-26-2008, 11:07 PM

Sorry for you situation. Of course i dont know if your wife is going to come back. I think for your sanity you should just respect her wishes and try to move on with your life. If she is out there sleeping around, then your health could be in danger. And your kids need someone who is stable and can be there for them. It doesnt sound like she can do that.

happilymarried67 · 09-27-2008, 06:24 PM

I agree with draconis completely. I feel that you should never do anything just to get a rise out of someone else. That is sort of infantile if you ask me.

Lj she has stayed in the marriage for 16 years for the kids sake. She must be somehow stable. I think she has been looking for a way out for a long time and has been going through the motions for her kids, she just feels sorry for her hubby when he begged her not to divorce her. How do you know that she isn't gay? Her affair was with another woman.

827Aug · 09-28-2008, 11:23 AM

Counseling is a great start!