advice needed

confusedfl · 09-27-2008, 09:37 AM

I have been married for 8 yrs. Raised my husband 2 kids from his first marriage to a bipolar wife. One in college other goes next fall. Been a rough road and kids have no respect for me except in front of father and they even slip up then, he ignores. Anyhow last week he told me he wants a divorce and doesn't want to be married anymore. Says he felt this way thru the whole marriage and he is at a point in his life he wants to be alone, he thinks. I did get him to agree to go for counseling after enough begging. Do I sit it out and wait for counseling? I feel sick to my stomache every minute of the day . I truly believe he loves me and there is no one else, even joint friends say so. So why kill me like this? What can I say or do to at least get the knot out of my gut? I know someone here has to have gone thru the same thing, I just need advice and help. I tried to make a list of things I love about him and it was empty. Is it just the hurt that is making me feel this way?

draconis · 09-27-2008, 10:22 AM

From the information we have I would say wait until the counsiling because there has to be more here than what is said. It doesn't sound good, but I would think the kids are a big issue.

The kids are gone so if you stay together you need to move on from that, if you pit his love for them against you, than you will lose.

draconis

827Aug · 09-27-2008, 10:43 AM

You are not alone. There are plenty of us on this forum either going thru what you are or have been there. It's not a good place to be in life. Infact, your situation has one very common thread with mine. Your husband stated he wanted a divorce. Mine on the other hand just wants to live separate and do his own thing. After all of these months my husband still doesn't know if he wants a divorce or to try reconciliation. I'm living every day in limbo.

You might try counseling but it doesn't sound as though his heart is in it. Go to counseling for yourself if for nothing else. Also, begin reading marriage and self-help books. "The Five Love Languages" is a great book to start with. That book will help you understand what makes your husband feel loved. There may still be time to put some of those techinques into play. If nothing else, it will give you a much greater understanding of what love really is.

There could be more here. You're wife #2 and he's wanting to leave this marriage. Maybe he's got more issues in maintaning a relationship than appear.

Hang in there and remember you've got a support group right here on line.

happilymarried67 · 09-27-2008, 11:58 AM

wow, I would be mad and seeking a councelor for myself. It sounds like he used you to raise his kids and it sounds like the kids have been feeding him a lot of what he wants to hear to get out of the marriage. Also, 8 years for him is not a longterm marriage in some states. I think you need to discuss this with a lawyer as well. The kids are growing up and he no longer needs or wants your services. I could be completely off the mark but it seems kind of convenient. I am sure the other one doesn't need you around because she is old enough to fend for herself. You had no idea that this was even an issue. All other aspects of your life with him were perfect to you except the issues with the kids. I know that when older kids get new step parents it doesn't usually go well. The boys were 2 and 4 when they moved in with us permanently and think of me as mom. My kids are great but I know alot of others who got who parents divorced later and life was a living nightmare for all involved. I say that you need to look after yourself. I cannot make a quick fix for the knot to leave your stomach. You need to get a line of support going on for you. Your family, your friends, spiritual councelor and relationship councelor for you and don't forget to run all this by a lawyer. First and foremost you take care of yourself. Good Luck.

Actually I just saw. We lived in Florida when my husband went through his first divorce. 10 years is considered a longterm marriage. That also has to deal with social security (if there is still social security when we reach retirement age)

confusedfl · 09-28-2008, 02:02 AM

There is no doubt he kids are a major problem. But I don't blame them as much as I blame my husband for not backing me.Four years ago a therapist told him he needed to be the diciplinarian not I as he was the natural parent. I stepped back from that post and that's when the dam broke, it went from all to nothing and the kids played us like a fiddle. Ying and yang divide and conquer. They know they can kiss thier dad's butt and get what they want . Yeah I know I am in a losing situation there. But in eight months the youngest is off to college and that's when our life was supposed to start. We never had kids together due to the fact he wanted his gone at 18 . I see now that is a dream, thay never really go away. Also I do feel used like I was used to raise them and now he's done with me. I dunno I am hoping marriage therapy can help. Yet we tried four years ago but it was thru the kids therapist and I was definitely the odd man out. Believe me they are essentially good kids just typical Gen xers with no respect for anyone in the house. In public and to strangers they are outstanding.But thank you for the advice

loveandmarriage · 09-28-2008, 07:32 AM

I hope this does not sound mean or harsh, BUT I say let him go and go to counseling for yourself. I know you have to earn your way out of a marriage by doing whatever it takes to save it, but he said he does not want to be married. You also had to beg him to go to counseling, so he may not have anymore loving feelings toward you. Think about it. If he TRULY loved you, would he have strung you along all these years knowing he did not want to be married for the ENTIRE marriage? And that is fine, thinking rationally, you couldn't even find one thing about him that you loved so much to add to your list.

You know what is worse than being married for 8 years and then getting divorced? Answer: Being married for 8 years and 1 day to someone who does not love you anymore.

Keep your head up and be selfish for once and think of what is best for you.

And remember: TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS! That "knot in your stomach" will go away. Especially with counseling and self TLC.