Hello, I am not sure if I am posting in the right place, I am new to this site, so sorry if I am...
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I am 26 years old, and he is 28. We have 2 school age children, and we both work. Or we both did work. He just got fired for failing a drug test. Since we have been together, he has almost always smoked weed. He has been in and out of jail because of pot, failed numerous drug tests because of it, and even had to go to counseling because of it to avoid getting fired the last time he failed. Since we have been married, he has gotten laid off or been fired, or has quit his job quite often. The exception to this is for the past 4 years, he has held this job, but after he failed his first test, he didnt quit smoking and screwed his chance for retaining his job.
So how did I react? I am really ticked off. I told him that I feel bad for our family, not him. See, for years I have been asking him, begging him, telling him to stop smoking weed, because it could really hurt our family if he lost his job... He never cared, or at least that is what it seemed like, you know? I have always worked, and found a way to support our family while he is out of work, but to me, enough is enough!
The first day he got fired, I came home and he was playing video games. The second day, he was drunk and playing video games. (He did go to unemployment office and applied for a job, but still-) The 3rd day, he missed my kids bus, which I had spent an hour the day before while I was working arranging for them to be on to save on day care... Then he went out last night, got drunk (because he "needed to") and missed our son's soccer game this morning.
Today he wanted to get "close" to me and I just wasn't having it. He started whining, that I don't love him, or ever show him affection, and all I could think was "HELLO???? I WORK ALL DAY, I HAVE TO COME HOME TO SEE YOU PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, WHILE I STILL HAVE TO COOK DINNER AFTER WORK WHILE YOU DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND YOU WANT SEX?"
I know I am kind of going off topic now, but here is where I need advice. I know I should be supportive, and I try. Its just hard because of the reason he was fired. Had he gotten laid off, or something of that nature, I wouldn't feel so disgusted towards him. Anyways, he left tonight, saying the only person who cares about him is his friend. He took his PS3 and some clothes and is gone.
I am worried about him, but, he leaves alot. So I don't try to stop him anymore. We were very young when we got married, just as young when we had kids. Its been a long rocky road, and I was so devoted to him in the begining of our relationship. After years of seeing the back of his head while he is playing video games, his pure laziness and his controlling nature I think I am sick of it. But I dont want to hurt him either. He is depressed, but what else should I do? Smile, and say "everything will be all right?" Do I do what I have done in the past and let history repeat itself?
I know I should be supportive, and I try. Its just hard because of the reason he was fired.... But I dont want to hurt him either. He is depressed, but what else should I do? Smile, and say "everything will be all right?"
I really think the best thing you can do right now is start asking yourself what you need today to feel happy and better about yourself. Instead of focusing on how to be supportive to him, how to help him, how to approach him, how to handle his problems, how to get him to change, I think you need to start asking yourself what you can do today to help yourself. Maybe you need some space from him or maybe you need to see a counselor for some support? do something to help you that doesn't involve him.
He seems to care more for his addiction to weed than to you and the kids.
He doesn't want to face a problem so he runs off.
Can you live like this? WHat are you willing to risk for him?
Very good questions. I was thinking the same thing too.
To the girl.. when they are hooked, all they care about is where to find it at. Some will even steal from their own mother to get the money to buy the crap. If your husband can't stop or not willing to stop, get out, hun. You will always be worrying how to pay this and that bill, while trying to deal with your husband, work, house, and kids. I believe that is too much for one person to have to deal with.
Everyone I have known that smokes weed regularly have one thing in common, they lack motivation. The only ones that have changed are the ones that have quit. I would think the only way your situation will improve is if he quits. You certainly have enough reason...he is unable to work if he can't pass the drug test and he has children to support. If he won't, he will need to figure out how to afford living in a room in someone's house and pay child support. Doesn't leave you with many options, but you are right, he is putting weed before you and the kids and it is affecting your family...he needs a serious wake-up call.
Thanks guys, for all of your advice. I guess I needed to hear from someone else looking in on this, that I wasnt being "the bad guy" here. He has gotten another job, less money, but he starts work tomorrow.
It still doesnt change the fact that he still will probably smoke weed, and have no motivation. I'm sure he will still play video games with all of his free time, and drive me crazy with his insecurities.
I'm not really sure what I am going to do with him. I dont know if it's worth it. He has caused me so much pain and frustration over the years because of this and many other reasons.
Hopefully I will figure it out soon. Who knows. But I really appriciate all of your comments, they really helped.
I am in the same boat. The longest he has held a job lately is 1 1/2 years and that was after 9 months of not working. We just bought a house last year and I need that extra income. I don't know what to do about it, "set him up"? He keeps it in a safe and gets it from his equally loser friend. Everything is ok when he is working but the damn video games are only tolerable when he has a day off. The jobless get no "days off."
Addiction to drugs, drinking and or smoking requires a REAL desire and effort to quit the habit. Or it requires something SERIOUS to happen that forces the addict to quit. i.e. Spouse leaving, failing health ...etc.
So far, he hasn't taken ANY responsibilities in regards to placing his family first and the NEED to quit his habit.
If it has gone on this long, IT WILL CONTINUE. I know that's being blunt but deep down, I think you know yourself.
Playing video games is OK as long as he does his share of chores around the house and I think it's only fair that if he is NOT working that he takes the major load of the house chores.
I did this when I retired and the wife was still working and it worked well. LOL! That is until she finally retired herself but continued doing practically nothing around the house. Aaaargh!
But unless something positive happens, I think you'll eventually find the end of your rope.
Like I've said before: If only one is making the effort of trying to resolve a problem, it's not going away ... and the end result is a separation or a divorce.
It has nothing to do with you loving him ... that is a cop out ... He wants you to continue loving and supporting him, while he remains IRRESPONSIBLE!
I am not an expert in this area, but one time I was driving on the interstate and pulled into a gas station with a neighborhood behind it. I just stopped to get gas but while I was pumping the gas I saw a large sign (about 4' x 6' not really that big), that read in large block letters "KARL TAYLOR, GET A JOB SO YOU CAN PAY YOUR BILLS." I never forgot reading that sign, I'm not sure if "Karl" ever grew up. Perhaps a little negative reinforcement is what your husband needs. Again, I'm no expert in this area.
Small world, but if that's the Karl Taylor I know, he sponges off everybody and doesn't take any responsibility for anything.
I once got him a job, sold him a truck (cheap) which he NEVER paid for and left it at an airport parking lot with a broken transmission. And since he NEVER registered it in his name, I got the bill for towing it out of the parking lot.
The job paid good but it wasn't good enough for him so he quit to pursue what he thought was a high paying job ... you see ... he's one of those dreamers that expect to earn $100,000 a year without doing anything.
The only time his mother EVER hears from him is when he WANTS money. Other than that, No Christmas, Mothers Day, Mothers BD, or even just a call to see how she was doing.
But when he needs money, She always hears from him Crying and telling her how bad his life is.
The last I heard is that he wanted his mother to talk to his younger brother (who's doing quite well) and make him help him out. This AFTER he used to beat up on him often.
"Since we have been together, he has almost always smoked weed. He has been in and out of jail because of pot, failed numerous drug tests because of it, and even had to go to counseling because of it to avoid getting fired the last time he failed."
"Then he went out last night, got drunk (because he "needed to") and missed our son's soccer game this morning."
In other words you not only choose to marry a man who you knew was a drug abuser you also choose to allow yourself to become impregnated by this drug user not only once, but twice. Not only is he a drug abuser he also has a crimminal record and it is highly likely he has a problem with alcohol.
Here is the real story:
Before you married him you found all of his "issues" to be somewhat exciting on some level. You enjoyed the drama and risk associated with marrying a "bad boy" who was unstable, a drug user, a drinker, a party type of guy. You likely did drugs yourself and he was a lot of fun to be around and talking with your girlfriends and comparing bad boys was a lot of fun also (who is invovled with the biggest jerk and bad boy contest). Now you realize he is a loser, was always a loser, and will always be a loser. Unfortunatley you have also become a loser by being married to a loser (loser by assocation).
Like it or not women are the "gate keepers". Women (you) decide who will, and who will not, have access to your vagina. Common sense would seem to dictate that it is in your best interest to filter out the drug users / bad boys / losers (i.e. your husband) from access to your vagina and to only allow access to suitable potential providers for you, and the future children you seek to have.
But you choose this guy..............So stop complaining - he has always been this way, you enjoyed it, you opened the gate and said "come on in baby", so you have the man you wanted (and apparently deserve).