Independent Failure

Hello, I am not sure if I am posting in the right place, I am new to this site, so sorry if I am...

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I am 26 years old, and he is 28. We have 2 school age children, and we both work. Or we both did work. He just got fired for failing a drug test. Since we have been together, he has almost always smoked weed. He has been in and out of jail because of pot, failed numerous drug tests because of it, and even had to go to counseling because of it to avoid getting fired the last time he failed. Since we have been married, he has gotten laid off or been fired, or has quit his job quite often. The exception to this is for the past 4 years, he has held this job, but after he failed his first test, he didnt quit smoking and screwed his chance for retaining his job.

So how did I react? I am really ticked off. I told him that I feel bad for our family, not him. See, for years I have been asking him, begging him, telling him to stop smoking weed, because it could really hurt our family if he lost his job... He never cared, or at least that is what it seemed like, you know? I have always worked, and found a way to support our family while he is out of work, but to me, enough is enough!

The first day he got fired, I came home and he was playing video games. The second day, he was drunk and playing video games. (He did go to unemployment office and applied for a job, but still-) The 3rd day, he missed my kids bus, which I had spent an hour the day before while I was working arranging for them to be on to save on day care... Then he went out last night, got drunk (because he "needed to") and missed our son's soccer game this morning.

Today he wanted to get "close" to me and I just wasn't having it. He started whining, that I don't love him, or ever show him affection, and all I could think was "HELLO???? I WORK ALL DAY, I HAVE TO COME HOME TO SEE YOU PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, WHILE I STILL HAVE TO COOK DINNER AFTER WORK WHILE YOU DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND YOU WANT SEX?"

I know I am kind of going off topic now, but here is where I need advice. I know I should be supportive, and I try. Its just hard because of the reason he was fired. Had he gotten laid off, or something of that nature, I wouldn't feel so disgusted towards him. Anyways, he left tonight, saying the only person who cares about him is his friend. He took his PS3 and some clothes and is gone.

I am worried about him, but, he leaves alot. So I don't try to stop him anymore. We were very young when we got married, just as young when we had kids. Its been a long rocky road, and I was so devoted to him in the begining of our relationship. After years of seeing the back of his head while he is playing video games, his pure laziness and his controlling nature I think I am sick of it. But I dont want to hurt him either. He is depressed, but what else should I do? Smile, and say "everything will be all right?" Do I do what I have done in the past and let history repeat itself?

Help! I need help.

draconis

It seems like he never grew up and you did.

He seems to care more for his addiction to weed than to you and the kids.

He doesn't want to face a problem so he runs off.

Can you live like this? WHat are you willing to risk for him?

draconis

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ljtseng

I really think the best thing you can do right now is start asking yourself what you need today to feel happy and better about yourself. Instead of focusing on how to be supportive to him, how to help him, how to approach him, how to handle his problems, how to get him to change, I think you need to start asking yourself what you can do today to help yourself. Maybe you need some space from him or maybe you need to see a counselor for some support? do something to help you that doesn't involve him.

Honey

Very good questions. I was thinking the same thing too.



To the girl.. when they are hooked, all they care about is where to find it at. Some will even steal from their own mother to get the money to buy the crap. If your husband can't stop or not willing to stop, get out, hun. You will always be worrying how to pay this and that bill, while trying to deal with your husband, work, house, and kids. I believe that is too much for one person to have to deal with.

swedish

Everyone I have known that smokes weed regularly have one thing in common, they lack motivation. The only ones that have changed are the ones that have quit. I would think the only way your situation will improve is if he quits. You certainly have enough reason...he is unable to work if he can't pass the drug test and he has children to support. If he won't, he will need to figure out how to afford living in a room in someone's house and pay child support. Doesn't leave you with many options, but you are right, he is putting weed before you and the kids and it is affecting your family...he needs a serious wake-up call.

Honey

.. and before it is too late too.

Independent Failure

Thanks guys, for all of your advice. I guess I needed to hear from someone else looking in on this, that I wasnt being "the bad guy" here. He has gotten another job, less money, but he starts work tomorrow.

It still doesnt change the fact that he still will probably smoke weed, and have no motivation. I'm sure he will still play video games with all of his free time, and drive me crazy with his insecurities.

I'm not really sure what I am going to do with him. I dont know if it's worth it. He has caused me so much pain and frustration over the years because of this and many other reasons.

Hopefully I will figure it out soon. Who knows. But I really appriciate all of your comments, they really helped.