my wife is the only one who is separated-how long can i wait??HELP
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » my wife is the only one who is separated-how long can i wait??HELP

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-27-2008, 09:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: long island
Posts: 21
Default my wife is the only one who is separated-how long can i wait??HELP

i caused the situation-i wrote explicit sexual emails to real people 6yrs ago-and my wife found it-she forgave me and i did it again last summer 07 and she found it again.each time she didnt talk to me for a month,took her wedding ring off and went out to the clubs with her friends 2-3 times a week.but we made it thru.because we are soulmates-we love each other-the day we met we both knew it-we were and still are two peas in a pod-but yet i was so stupid the last 6 yrs

weve been married 15 yrs-known each other for 18yrs.we have 2 children a boy 13 and a girl 8

the last year i notice a difference in her towards me-not as loving not as affectionate-

3 months ago we had a argument and during it she let it all out that she cant trust me,didnt love me anymore.she took her ring off again and has gone out to a singles dance club and tonight is the 11th week in a row

she basically has separated herself from me-tells people we are separated but we are still living in the same house-we are not even technically separated and there are no and have been no attorneys involved.plus she has told me just last week that she doesnt want a divorce and she doesnt want me to move out

yet she wants no love or affection from me and gives me none right now.she wont even let me-someone who has been married to her for 15 yrs and known her for 18 kiss her on the cheek

she says she just wants space to clear her head and to be alone and go out with her friends-space to do what exactly-go out to the club every sat nite-otherwise shes home with me and the kids every other night

she has to know after 3 months almost if she is going to make this marriage work or not-doesnt she?however

about a month ago i found out that at this club where we both went as husband and wife for years-she got close to a male friend of ours.because of the hurt i caused she reached out-cried on his shoulder and he pumped her up-making her feel good and better about herself and over a number of weeks of them hanging out and talking without me around,she thought she was falling in love with him-but hes married too and separated with a daughter but also living with his wife. and when he found out how she was feeling he maintained he just wanted to be friends-i guess a blessing in disguise for me because if he returned her feelings it might have been over already-i know these things because i found emails she wrote to her friends about him

even though he is not returning her feelings doesnt mean my wife still doesnt have them for him although she professes to me that she never really loved him- he was just there, a friend at the club and because she was feeling hurt and angry she let herself feel this.but now i think her feelings for him are not letting her come back to me sooner.i could be wrong.if he wasnt in the picture would we be toghether already?

i feel she goes to the club every sat nite-yes to get out but to see if hes there and hang with him.i feel one of these times something bad is going to happen but what exactly is she going to do-run away with him-shes married to me with kids hes got a kid and a wife so what is she thinking

it kills me because my wife even at age 47-im 48-she has just recently lost some weight and has a gorgeous face and body and looks like a playboy playmate when she goes out and she gets alot of attention from men which im sure she loves right now.im sitting home with the kids and its driving me insane.shes feeling good about herself something i guess i wasnt doing because of the emails.and right now maybe im feeling sorry for myself

HOW LONG CAN I WAIT FOR HER TO FORGIVE-OR NOT.she has to decide at some point wheter she wants to save the marriage or divorce me.i told her i can not live this way for months and months.she knows i want to stay with her and feel sometimes shes just making me suffer.like i did to her.

plus financially she needs me.she doesnt work and almost all my income goes to the house and family so at this point just about three months in i feel like shes using me for money and to
help with the kids which id do anyway.if i moved out i wouldnt be able to pay for a place for me and the house too so we would have to sell with no equity and she has no income so i cant let them go homeless.

its like were roomates

how much longer do i wait-what is she waiting for-watching her live separate,watching her go out every sat nite.treating me like a friend not a husband.look i know i put her in this place but we cant live like this forever.not good for our kids.i love her very very much and cant live without her but sometimes i feel like im being weak and letting her walk all over.maybe shes upset about us but shes hiding it well.its 3 months and counting

everyone keeps telling me its not over-her family,my family-but if she felt any love for me when-maybe shes just not feeling it anymore-i dont know.but then lets end it and move on with our lives instead of living in limbo

Last edited by lmh11706; 09-27-2008 at 10:16 PM.
lmh11706 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-28-2008, 07:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
Moderator
 
827Aug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 4,182
Default Re: my wife is the only one who is separated-how long can i wait??HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmh11706 View Post
i caused the situation-i wrote explicit sexual emails to real people 6yrs ago-and my wife found it-she forgave me and i did it again last summer 07
What made you do this? Was something missing in your marriage that led you in this direction?


Quote:
Originally Posted by lmh11706 View Post
3 months ago we had a argument and during it she let it all out that she cant trust me,didnt love me anymore.she took her ring off again and has gone out to a singles dance club and tonight is the 11th week in a row
Trust is a terrible thing to lose in a relationship. I know! Did she lose trust because of the above problem?


Would your wife be open to counseling? You've got several issues going on and a good therapist could help sort them out. In some ways my situation is similar to yours. My husband moved out five months ago. He doesn't know what he wants--a divorce or reconcile. It's not easy living in limbo. In the beginning I was willing to do anything to have him back. However, I don't know anymore. One of my big issues with him is trust. However, even after all of these months separated he has done nothing to earn my trust again. He's still hiding a lot and telling me it's none of my business. In all honesty, I don't want to be married to someone I can't trust. Are you working on proving yourself to be trustworthy?

If your wife is going out a lot, perhaps you are providing her with too much money. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are making things too easy for her. You feel she is staying with you because of the money and I can see your point.

Hang in there; I know how the limbo life can be torture.
827Aug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2008, 11:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: mountain west
Posts: 2,567
Default Re: my wife is the only one who is separated-how long can i wait??HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmh11706 View Post
she says she just wants space to clear her head and to be alone and go out with her friends-space to do what exactly-go out to the club every sat nite-otherwise shes home with me and the kids every other night


HOW LONG CAN I WAIT FOR HER TO FORGIVE-OR NOT.she has to decide at some point wheter she wants to save the marriage or divorce me.i told her i can not live this way for months and months.she knows i want to stay with her and feel sometimes shes just making me suffer.like i did to her.



everyone keeps telling me its not over-her family,my family-but if she felt any love for me when-maybe shes just not feeling it anymore-i dont know.but then lets end it and move on with our lives instead of living in limbo
sounds like the only "ME" time she wants is time at this club with this guy...am i wrong??

how long can you wait??? how bad do you want it to work out???

can YOU move on???you say "maybe it's time." well, is it? by how i read this you don't want that.

we could all ask ourselves that question. "is it time to move on" and the answer almost all the time would be a resounding "NO."
i suspect that's your answer too. i hope so.

btw--the family's opinions are just that, opinions. lucky for you they sound supportive. but careful who you use for focus groups. that could backfire.

good luck.

and maybe say a prayer. He listens.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7
voivod is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife has separated from me (extremely long...Sorry!) Kincade Going Through Divorce or Separation 5 02-19-2012 08:47 PM
How long do I wait ???? Danielle4697 General Relationship Discussion 3 09-28-2011 09:31 AM
How long can I wait? seperated&confused General Relationship Discussion 3 10-13-2010 04:45 PM
How long do I have to wait? BlindInLuv Coping with Infidelity 6 07-16-2010 04:31 PM
How long do you wait??? cheermom Going Through Divorce or Separation 3 02-23-2009 07:10 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:53 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage