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Considering Open Marriage

4K views 19 replies 12 participants last post by  daisybush 
#1 ·
After 23 years of being with my husband and a heated fight last night, we both agree that this is not working. To keep it short, we are in a sexless marriage going on 3 years (my fault for the most part with many reasons). We also have an 8 year old son, who is totally heartbroken. My husband thinks that we should consider staying together for the sake of our son and just live our lives separately under one roof and agree to not bring anyone home. Basically, this is how we live now other than he wants to now open it up to dating others. If I find someone new, he will then move out. This sounds a little ridiculous to me. Has anyone here ever done this? I'm 45 years old and the thought of going out on dates and telling a guy that I'm still living with my husband sounds very strange to say the least. I think he would run the other direction immediately. On the other hand, it is killing me dealing with our son's broken heart. My parents divorced when I was 7. My mother never did find stability after the divorce and moved me from school to school. It changed my life for the worst forever. Here I find myself in the same situation as my mother, except I would not be uprooting my son. I've always told myself that I would live through hell in order to spare my son going through the torment of a divorce. I will have more posts to come soon I'm sure. I just needed to get this out there for starters....
 
#3 ·
Yours are not the circumstances that make for a successful open marriage. (I have a successful one, so I have a basis for my opinion.) Yours are the circumstances in which divorce is the best option for everyone, including - IMO - your son. It is better for you and your husband to find new relationships where you are actually happy, as that will provide a better example for your son.

At best, you may be able to separate and try dating each other to see if you can rekindle your relationship, but if that doesn't seem realistic, it's better to end it cleanly.
 
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#4 ·
So you won't have sex with your husband but some stranger gets to clean your pipes?

Happy is right. I was going to quote him anyway. Divorce does not have to be devastating especially when you two love your son. Jumping in to an open marriage from a broken marriage WILL be disastrous and your son will more than likely be harmed far more than from an amicable divorce.
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#6 ·
So you won't have sex with your husband but some stranger gets to clean your pipes?
While I would've phrased it differently, I had the same thought.

OP, what's up w/ the sexless marriage? You posted this in another thread about 5 1/2 years ago...

I am a newbie here. After reading some posts, I realize that I am not alone in the "sexless" marriage department. I haven't done the deed in probably 2 months and I personally have 0% interest in it whatsoever. I'm sure that is due to my husband being an alcoholic, financial issues, etc. I am just curious to see what percentage of members here are in sexless marriages. If you are, is it you or your spouse that isn't interested or is it a mutual agreement?
Has your marital situation changed at all (for better or worse... NPI) since then?
 
#5 ·
Hmm... your husband might already be "dating" others.

And make no mistake... you'd probably be able to attract lots of guys, but probably not many of the type that you'd want in your life, and almost certainly none of the type that you'd want to bring around your son.

As for your son, it's likely that at least some damage has already been done. To eliminate or (possibly) reverse said damage, work at improving your marriage. And if -- for any reason -- you're not able to do that, mitigate any future damage to your son by ending your marriage, and as amicably as possible.

Seriously... think this through.
 
#8 ·
Do not think all divorces are equal either. Just because you went through an awful experience when you were young, does not mean it has to be that way for your son. It can work and be even better for your son to see you both happy and maybe in constructive relationships down the road.
 
#12 ·
Imagine, for a moment, there's no child in the house. How would you resolve this problem?

You would probably leave (or kick him out) immediately, wouldn't you? Why? Because that's the best thing for your mental health. You don't like him, he repulses you, etc. Likewise for him, he's not getting laid, he's unhappy about that, he takes it out on you verbally, perhaps other ways as well... In short, it's a toxic relationship.

What is it about the child's presence that turns that solution on its head? You want to stay in a toxic relationship "for the sake of your son?" How does that help any of you?

I agree with Married But Happy. Yours is not a candidate for a successful open marriage. And I say that as someone who is in favor of such situations when they can work. (Just read my threads for my take on it.)

You already know, admit and agree it's not working. The longer you stick with it, the more unhappy all three of you will be.

For the sake of your son and yourself (and your hubby, too, if you have any love left for him at all, for goodness sake, he needs to get laid!) end it ASAP.

My 2 cents.
 
#19 ·
Ultimately if there is absolutely no stopping him, if he is hell bent on doing the open marriage or divorcing, and you don't want to divorce, then let him have it.

I've seen more than one story here on TAM and elsewhere of fool husbands who believe that their wives are holding them back from the sexual escapades of their dreams with an army of beautiful women who would line up for a chance with him, feeling that an "open marriage" is the solution. Much to their surprise, their dream is a fantasy, finding women willing to shack up with a openly married man is incredibly difficult. Instead they end up watching their wives go on date after date after date, and eventually try to angrily call the whole "open marriage" thing off.

I'm not saying that's what you should do, I'm just giving you a likely scenario if you ultimately do allow it to happen, whether agreeably or out of an unwillingness to agree to a divorce.
 
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