bella5

My husband (J) and I were married in August last year and have been separated since January. I always believed that people got married to share their life with someone, yet I have never felt so alone... The past 8 months of my life have been a living nightmare.

I am a cautious person - to the point where people have told me I shouldn't think so much and just take things as they come. J and I have dated for 3.5 years before we married but had been friends for over 5 years. When I first met him I knew he was interested but there was something that made me think he wasn't for me. He pursued me for a year and a half - by this stage we were best friends, had so much in common and got along like a house on fire so our friendship grew into more.

If I go into details - I'll be typing forever but basically since we were married I have found out that much of what he has told me has been lies. The majority is finance related - he said he had property, shares, savings etc. I found out that he didn't have the property before we married but to me it didn't matter because I was in love with him - not his supposed money. His capacity to lie should have rung alarm bells but I put it down to insecurity. I have now discovered the truth - being that he has mountains of debt.

In January I found out that he had lied to me about having cancer - almost the whole time I've known him he's talked about the cancer. He said he was diagnosed when he was 16 and had to go overseas for treatment. He said his parents left him there and didn't visit, that they were embarrassed of his illness. It may seem unbelievable that a parent could leave their sick child - but if you met his father you'd believe it. He would talk about having tests regularly to check for possible relapses - and on 2 occasions told me they were scared it was back and required further tests. He told me this and watched me fall to pieces worrying about him...

He says he loves me and is sorry and wants to fix this. How can somebody love someone - but hurt them so much for their own personal benefit? There are just so many lies, lies upon lies and lies to cover other lies. I don't know what's true anymore and I don't know if I'm a big enough person to forgive and forget...

We've talked about things that we thought he could do to help me trust him again and he said he would do them, but hasn't. The lies all started to come out in January - it's now April and I don't feel like things are getting any better... we're separated and I said he could move back in when he had shown me that he was committed to trying to make this work. He says he wants to but his actions speak differently.

I'm so hurt - the more it drags on makes it worse. I don't know how many chances one person deserves. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. The dreams I thought we shared are shattered. I have little sleep and it's starting to feel like I've reached the absolute end of what I can handle.

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? I look at our wedding photos and I can't put them on the walls on in an album because I just can't believe how much things have changed. In the photos the two people look clearly in love - yet only 8 months later I don't recognise them anymore.

Thank you for reading.

Halien

I haven't personally had this experience, but recently my daughter was involved in relationship with someone who was very dishonest about his past. Thing about it was that he was using that to make her feel compassion for him, and she was confusing compassion for love. Once I learned about the relationship (they were just dating), we talked about his apparent motives and she saw that dishonesty was little more than manipulation. Your husband is playing your emotions. Think about it: If he really loved you in a caring sense, wouldn't he have disclosed the truth at some point? Instead, you are just stumbling upon the truth behind every lie. Trust your initial instincts and move on. Otherwise, you will become so jaded that you could miss real love when it comes into your life.

By making it your goal not to let yourself become bitter and jaded, you can still find the type of relationship you want, but one with a solid foundation of honesty.

In my daughter's case, her heart still goes out to the guy when she learns of a new hardship. Thing is, she now sees that his dishonesty is what alienated him from everyone in the first place. He made his bed. What I'm saying is that it is normal for you to care and feel sorry, but you have to let it end there and move on.

Just my opinion.

Sanity

This is why people should not marry only because of love. The man from what you describe is a habitial pathological liar and cannot be trusted.

I had a friend divorce her husband when she found out that he lied about major past life events. For example, he told her that he was related to a very rich family (he changed his name) and he even lied to her about being in the military for four years (he was in jail for fraud)

A harmless lie is "I did not eat that last piece of cake" or "Yes I'm a great handyman"

Dealbreakers are: "I have never been in jail" or "I didn't know she was underage".

Johnboy

Bella i feel for you , I know you must feel empty believing in someone as much as that .
But i will tell you straight , you were in love with a lie , you loved someone that didnt exist , and dont feel embarassed or dont feel any worse than you should for being fooled by this fool , you trusted someone and why wouldnt you ? But you certainly wouldnt be the first person J has decieved so much , and how damn lucky , YES lucky you are that the truth is out now , he would have had affairs and lied , got a job and lied about what he did , to be frank although you,ve known him 5 yrs you "never"knew him .
Dont be afriad of the hurt or emotions they will pass and you will learn a valuable lesson . Im not saying dont trust anyone , just be smarter and more discerning in the future , i wish you all the best .

homelost

Bella I am in the same shoe as you.

My husband and I started dating last year of my university 5 years ago. Then 3 years after we were in serious relationship, he told me that he was with man before. It hurt me so bad because he was my first serious relationship. But I chose to believe that he's in love with me.

We were married last year in Jan, he and his family promoised helping our first home down payment, but it turned out that he was financially in debt and his parents bailed out after I put down all my savings as deposit.

His parents are simply racist and manipulating, they try pursuading him to get rid of me from time to time. Since we moved into the house in July, we have been constantly fighting and ignoring each other. He never had a stable career since we started dating, and he was laid off last year in Dec. Everything that he pictured before never come true, We can't even lead a normal life because I have to pay all the expenses, mortgage and his credit cards....etc.

He left me home alone every weekend and all holidays, spending time with his parents and brothers even Christmas.

I moved out in March, even though paying all the household expenses, and our house were sold and closing in April. And I stop all the contact with him. He was so heartless and cold when our home was being sold. I think he's done with me because his family and his own failur in career. Even though his parents always accuse me for his career failure.

You are lucky that at least your husband didn't physically abuse you. I was being pushed, choked on my neck and spit on my face by my "loving" husband through out the months....

He turned into a monster since his family intervene our relationship and he chose to surrender because he's a mamas boy.

I told myself that I can never forgive him, and I start the 180 2 weeks ago and I found peace. Because everytime he threw some words or coldness to me, I suffers. I know eventually I have to face him and go through legal process, but at least I don't need him emotionally anymore.

Just want to let you know that you are not alone...I felt the pain... and it's better to wake up late than never..... all the best to you.

Johnboy

Omg Homelost , i cant believe there are so many beutifull woman out there with such bloody loosers .Please never let a man treat you like that , it saddens me greatly , that the beutifull ppl on this forum , bella and you and others deal with so much , me im in a bad relationship to , i only hope that oneday we will find love , dont change , dont change who you are , love yourself foremost .

bella5

Thank you all for your advice and support.

Homelost - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a strong person with a lot going for you - I hope things improve now you've got out. Physical abuse is the worst kind. That's something I can be thankful I don't have to contend with.

I think the problem is that a lot of people don't seem to understand the meaning of a marriage - It's supposed to be a partnership. J expects me to cook, clean, work, pay all the bills and the mortgage while he's out spending everything he earns on expensive clothes, alcohol, dinners out etc. I don't know how he does it... he earns a lot more than I do but has nothing to show for it. Everyone thinks he's loaded - but the reality is he's in debt. The apartment we live in I purchased long before we were married and is no thanks to him at all! Now I face losing half of it... His father even joked before we married that he wanted to see the dowry. I should have been asking HIM that question!!!

Johnboy - I hope that you find what you're looking for soon.

golfergirl

Isn't an asset prior to marriage (especially such a short one) not included in marital assets? I would also explore annulment.
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