Thank you for the song lyrics CarrieAnne.
They really hit home...been off this site for a lil bit - time to catch up
Funny thing now is that H says he's going to read up on ways to bring the romance back to our marriage. It only took several yrs of me bringing this up and finally having no sex for 2 wks to drive it home!
I feel terrible because I don't know if I have the energy and desire to try. The harder he tries, the more I resist - what's wrong with me? Too much built up resentment? I do feel so out of love, I question if its possible to have those feelings towards him again.
I look at my life and think, if he wasn't in this marriage- not a whole lot would be different. My friends will still be my friends, family events have always been with my side of the family. We'd still both love and support our kids - I'm just afraid of possibly scarring them for life.
I'm bracing myself for some hard times ahead.
It has been over 6 months and I am still dealing with the guilt, it does get easier, but some days are still hard. You have to focus on yourself, as selfish as it seems, you have a right to be happy. You shouldn't stay with someone out of guilt or just for the kids in my opinion, as that just leads to a life of unhappiness for everyone I feel.
The guilt does get easier, I just hope he takes it well unlike my ex who has become a bit of a loose cannon now
It's hard to speak about here as many people are the ones who were left behind, not the ones who chose to leave.
Is there another board or forum that might offer me better support?
We had a roundabout talk this morning. I'm dreading when he comes home. He was very hurt and started berating himself. I told him I didn't think berating himself was going to help matters. His low self-esteem is a huge part of what led us to this point though, so I sort of expected this. Eight years ago when I said I wanted out, he cried all the time and wondered what was wrong with him. So this time, I have tried to shoulder more of the blame even though truthfully, his behavior is what caused my resentment.
Arrrrrrrgh. I'm so scared and worried and nervous that I'm making the wrong choice. And on the other side, I feel a bit relieved that I have started the ball rolling. Maybe I can finally move on.
Oh, and Miss Smiley, I'm sorry I missed your post. I know EXACTLY what you are going through emotionally. Maybe we'll both come out of this better than before. One can hope!
Is there another board or forum that might offer me better support?
We had a roundabout talk this morning. I'm dreading when he comes home. He was very hurt and started berating himself. I told him I didn't think berating himself was going to help matters. His low self-esteem is a huge part of what led us to this point though, so I sort of expected this. Eight years ago when I said I wanted out, he cried all the time and wondered what was wrong with him. So this time, I have tried to shoulder more of the blame even though truthfully, his behavior is what caused my resentment.
Arrrrrrrgh. I'm so scared and worried and nervous that I'm making the wrong choice. And on the other side, I feel a bit relieved that I have started the ball rolling. Maybe I can finally move on.
so you have confessed all your affairs to H ? right ?.
He knows about the first one, but not the second. I don't count the middle one as an affair really because the other guy was not even aware of it (it was all in my head). Neither of the other two were physical affairs, and the second one (the most recent one) the guy isn't even in physical proximity to me (he's an old high school friend).
I think you are trying to goad me rather than help. If you read through ALL my posts in this thread, not just the first one, you will see that I revealed more about what is going on with my husband. When your husband continually tries to stick his **** in your ass for years and years and years, then come back and we'll talk.
CA, it's not goading. I did go back and re-read your posts. Maybe I am not getting all of what you have been through. In one of your posts, it seemed like you were eluding to some issues you had in the bedroom, but it wasn't clear. To make sure I try to get this right, am I correct in understanding from your thread that you feel like he is emotionally disconnected? Or is there something physical going on during sex that degrades you? I am not insinuating that you answer that in detail, just generally so I can try to see it from your POV. Remember, that there are two sides to every story, and the folks on here are really trying to be nuetral and do care and want to help, but I have yet to see a post on this forum where the person posting has not admitted/or seen where they were almost as much in the blame for the failure of the relationship as the other. I need to also ask, did he know about your EA's before you noticed things started going south on your relationship? I mean, I don't know if he did or did not but that will have a HUGE bearing on a man's self esteem. If you where having an EA and he did know, I hope that you understand what an enormous negative impact that has on a man. If your EA's happened after you felt he was emotionally abusive and he never knew, then that would be a different story - but you can not underplay enough what something like your W having and EA will do to a H; it is devastating betrayel. And some men lash out aggressively to that, some become vindictive, some run away from the marriage, some become a stranger in the marriage - but one thing I can gaurantee you is that none ever forget. They may forgive, but the pain is never gone, it's just managed. I also noticed on one of your posts you said, "We have always put the kids first." I take it that means both of you have put each other second. Don't worry, we are all guilty of that. It's one of the mistakes I made in my marriage that is too late to correct but will never do again to a SO. It's one of the lessons learned from my failed marriage.
I hope that you don't feel that we are goading or trying to irritate you, we need to get some clearer perspective on what it is that is hurting you so deeply. If not for what you are going through now, but like the rest of us on here, so you learn where not to make the same mistakes again to help you learn how to be a better person. All in all, I really am sorry you are going through this; it is very tough to be consistantly emotionally, spiritually, and intimately happy in a long term relationship. I envy those that figured that out early enough to save their marriage.
I've been meaning to post here for a few days now.
Carrie Anne... your first post did nto go into detail, only that you were upset and unhappy in your marraige, your husband was passive, and you said you have had 3 different EAs.
Then you mentioned there were bigger problems and that he's emotionally and sexually abusive and most recently that he is making your have anal sex against your will.
If you don't have a source of income, you can either call legal aide or file divorce "pro se" (meaning, on your own--it's free). Call the courthouse to see what the procedures are for doing that.
You mention staying with him 8 additional years after wanting to have left. I'm not sure where your guilt is coming from sinec you say he's abusive. You have a right to happiness and to get out of a relationship. Maybe you can work with your therapist re: why you feel guilty after being so horribly abused.
I do suggest that you find a job, either way. You need to save money and move out or he can move out so you can start your life without him.
if your kids have been subjected to this abuse (watching dad abuse mom is definitely bringin them up in an abusive environment) then I'd suggest you get counselling for them to deal with this as well. Emotional abuse leaves some really screwed up scars and my bet if they have been affected. Its rare the abuser who only takes the abuse out on the mom and not the kids and I don't know if that is what's happening in your home but no doubt, your kids have been effected if he's very abusive.
I was married to an emotionally abusive man. It gets worse over time. I can't imagine having been with him for 20 years.
Brighterlight and Jellybeans, thank you for clarifying. I will try to post more information. I was intentionally vague in my first post for two reasons: 1) I didn't want to share the ugly details; and 2) I didn't recognize my situation as abusive until I started seeing a therapist AFTER making that first post. I have seen her 3 times now.
We got married in 1993, had first kid in 1997.
He knows about the first EA, I'm almost certain, but he has never said so. It lasted 2 years (2002-2003) and it was someone local with whom I had regular contact. It could have easily been a PA, but it wasn't. It was hard to give him up, but I wanted to make the marriage work.
The second EA was not even really an EA except that I spent over a year (2007) obsessing over this guy. The guy did not know my feelings. It was more of a crush.
The third EA started in November, got heavy in January/February and ended in March because HE ended it. There was never any personal contact because he lives in a different state. It was purely email and telephone.
Sooooo. What led to the first EA? Throughout my marriage my husband has been extremely jealous of my past. I was married before and I had several long term boyfriends. My husband was a virgin when I met him (at 26). We discussed my past and he seems to never forget a word I say. Apparently the fact that I had had anal sex with someone before made it fair game for him. I agreed to try it for him even though I knew I did not like it. He became obsessed with it and would NOT stop trying, to the point that he actually did it to me twice without my permission. Every single time we had sex he would either ask or try to the point where I started not wanting sex at all. Over the years, I withdrew from him emotionally because I felt so disrespected.
It was at that point that I decided that it is unfair to my husband for me to be emotionally available to other men and not to him and I decided to end the marriage. We had been together "for the kids" for years at that point. I avoided all physical contact with him, but I did have sex with him occasionally. He never stopped trying anal even after we went to counseling and discussed it (2003). I gave up on him and started mentally checking out during sex for the last 8 years. Resentment built quickly.
I am not in physical danger and he does not abuse me in any way that the kids or the outside world can see. That is probably the reason that I feel so guilty about the marriage ending. We have been in a "pretend" marriage for so long, I keep thinking we should just keep pretending for the kids. But I am soooooo drained. I'm getting damned old (I'm 47) and worried about being alone. I just can't see staying "for the kids" for 8 more years until my youngest comes of age.
My guilt is inappropriate, according to my therapist. I'm working on dealing with why I feel responsible for breaking up the marriage by being the one to actually end it, when HE is the one who disrespected me. The EAs were a symptom, not a cause of our breakup.
She said that he has been trying, not that it actually happened!
By trying, I mean that he knows I am on the verge of leaving (we have discussed it several times over the last couple of months), so he has stopped asking me to have sex and he has bought me flowers 3 times. He has stopped blatantly masturbating in the bed next to me in the morning (I didn't mention that lovely fact in my last post). He was doing that make me feel guilty, I'm sure. He has stopped giving me dirty looks. He has asked to go to counseling with me again.
All too late.
And my therapist says marriage counseling will not work for us until HE deals with his sex issues and abusive behavior. I am not an object for his sexual gratification. Just to be clear, there are several other sexual issues I have not mentioned in my posts.
Re: Dealing With Guilt About Wanting to End It 
