Carrianne, those are some issues for sure. Your therapist should know better than to say MC is non issue based on your husbands actions without talking to him. You know, the two sides to every story bit.
What I can't get behind is the damage that is going to your children, think nuclear bomb. With the absense of DV or addiction I just don't see it.
Even if you can't stand your H, 6 or 7 more years of annoyance for your kids sake could be your sacrifice for them.
You should go to MC. You need to stop filitering info that does not support what you want to hear. MC would be a great place to have H called out for his behavior.
Carrianne, those are some issues for sure. Your therapist should know better than to say MC is non issue based on your husbands actions without talking to him. You know, the two sides to every story bit.
What I can't get behind is the damage that is going to your children, think nuclear bomb. With the absense of DV or addiction I just don't see it.
Even if you can't stand your H, 6 or 7 more years of annoyance for your kids sake could be your sacrifice for them.
You should go to MC. You need to stop filitering info that does not support what you want to hear. MC would be a great place to have H called out for his behavior.
Best wishes for you and your family.
Agree that there are two sides to every story, but my husband and I went to counseling about this for nearly 5 month in 2003. He ignored it all.
There is also a lot that I have not posted here, but thanks for trying to help (???) me get over my guilt by telling me to stay put and continue to take it in the ass, so to speak.
BTW, it is the "damage to my children" that I am most concerned about, and the reason I have stayed here for so long despite how it makes me feel inside.
CA, I dont think you should feel guilty for leaving.
I am in a similar situation, except my wife is not trying to stick anything in me . But seriously, I am in my marriage just for my kids. I think my wife suffers from BPD, or maybe she is just incompatible with me. But for whatever reason I've lost the love for my wife, bit by bit, till there is nothing left.
I think my situation is not as bad as yours, at least from what you've posted so far. And I already decided to divorce. From what you post, your relationship is abusive, your H doesnt respect you.
About the kids, I've spent countless hours researching. And at the end, I think they will be alright.
There is a lot of noise out there on how divorce affects the kids, but if you keep reading, you'll see that 40% of kids in the US have divorced parents.
With those numbers, it is close to half. It means that in your kids class, almost half of them have divorced parents. For every study saying how bad divorce is, there is another saying the opposite.
Is it ideal that they have to deal with a split home? H*ll no! But life is only one, and there is no point in throwing it away.
I think that if you and your H can work in an amicable co-parenting partnership, and show your kids lots of love, and dedicate to them lots of time, they will turn out alright.
This are only my thoughts on this. You have to look deep inside of you and choose a path to follow.
Carrieann, i retract my earlier posts. Sorry im late posting, been tied up this afternoon. LEAVE HIM, you will do fine raising your kids without him. No man, real man anyway, would EVER do something sexually abusive to another woman - wife or otherwise. That is disrespectful and completely takes the intimacy and love out of a sexual relationship. It's demeaning to you and it is demoralizing. You say he is a good man, i say he sounds like a rapist. Sorry, but thats what it sounds like. Leave, file for divorce. See if a friend can help you out for now, find an agency that will help you find work. I am not sure therapy will help him. Posted via Mobile Device
Carrie,
I'm a man on the receiveing end of what you describe. I've been with my wife for 16 years, and she TOLD me 3 months ago, that she wasn't happy, and wanted to be alone. We also have 3 children.
Since then, she's basically tried to wiggle her way out of it, by telling me she's either confused, or doesn't realize what she's feeling.
What she's feeling, is a lack of love for her husband, and resentment for ending her EA.
Me, on the other hand, am slowly developing the courage to accept how she feels, and have now started to wean myself off the marriage.
So I guess I'm trying to tell you tell him nicely, but expect lots of tears. It could take months before both accept what you want.
RunningOnEmpty, thank you for the reassurance. I actually think the kids will be fine. Happy about it, no. My plan is to have the "house get the kids" and for my husband and I to move in and out. Hopefully he will agree with that. I think it would be very unfair to make the kids move in and out of the house they have known their whole lives. People think it is a crazy idea, but I know people who have successfully done it for years. My husband and I get along very well (well, maybe not so well once I finally say I want out), so I think/hope we can manage this.
BrighterLight, he swears the first time was an accident. I don't know for sure, that is not my recollection. The second time, was definitely not an accident. Rape? Probably. I don't like to think that way, but it fits the definition.
Undertheradar, thank you. I'm very sorry to hear of your pain, but I really think he will ultimately accept that this is the right decision for both of us. We are NOT compatible sexually. I agree that your wife's issue is not loving you anymore. That hurts a lot. I WANT to love him, but he is not lovable to me anymore. I WANT this family life. I WANT the dream. I need to accept the reality that we are messed up. My choice to have an EA so many years ago was not the cause, but it was not a good choice of ways to handle the problems in our marriage. His choice to continue treating me like an object for his sexual pleasure even after counseling was not a good choice. We are both to blame for this.
Jellybeans, I am trying to get the nerve to flat out say I'm done. We danced around the issue Tuesday morning. I just could not push those words out of my mouth. Then I met with my therapist on Wednesday and she helped me to understand that of course there will be ambivalence in a major life decision. I just need courage to be responsible for MY feelings and let him have his own feelings. I keep trying to protect him. That's just the way I am. A conflict avoider. A peacekeeper.
And what happened to that long note from the person advertising their website and telling me to stay married? Was it deemed spam and removed by moderators? Weird.
Thank you to everyone who posts here, even those who don't say things I care to hear.
RunningOnEmpty, thank you for the reassurance. I actually think the kids will be fine. Happy about it, no. My plan is to have the "house get the kids" and for my husband and I to move in and out. Hopefully he will agree with that. I think it would be very unfair to make the kids move in and out of the house they have known their whole lives. People think it is a crazy idea, but I know people who have successfully done it for years. My husband and I get along very well (well, maybe not so well once I finally say I want out), so I think/hope we can manage this.
Many people have done that, it's called birdnesting. Not a bad idea if you can both work with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieAnn
BrighterLight, he swears the first time was an accident. I don't know for sure, that is not my recollection. The second time, was definitely not an accident. Rape? Probably. I don't like to think that way, but it fits the definition.
I know it sounds horrible but anytime someone forces themselves sexually on the other without their consent is usually defined as rape. I don't know, can a husband be accused of raping his own wife, I don't know. And I am not saying to accuse him of that, I am just mentioning it for the sake of discussion and what it sounds like to me I guess.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieAnn
Undertheradar, thank you. I'm very sorry to hear of your pain, but I really think he will ultimately accept that this is the right decision for both of us. We are NOT compatible sexually. I agree that your wife's issue is not loving you anymore. That hurts a lot. I WANT to love him, but he is not lovable to me anymore. I WANT this family life. I WANT the dream. I need to accept the reality that we are messed up. My choice to have an EA so many years ago was not the cause, but it was not a good choice of ways to handle the problems in our marriage. His choice to continue treating me like an object for his sexual pleasure even after counseling was not a good choice. We are both to blame for this.
You can't beat yourself up any more over this. File the D and work on yourself and moving on to better things. I know what it is you are letting go of with your family and the cost of it, but you can work things out and make things better for you and your kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieAnn
Jellybeans, I am trying to get the nerve to flat out say I'm done. We danced around the issue Tuesday morning. I just could not push those words out of my mouth. Then I met with my therapist on Wednesday and she helped me to understand that of course there will be ambivalence in a major life decision. I just need courage to be responsible for MY feelings and let him have his own feelings. I keep trying to protect him. That's just the way I am. A conflict avoider. A peacekeeper.
And what happened to that long note from the person advertising their website and telling me to stay married? Was it deemed spam and removed by moderators? Weird.
Thank you to everyone who posts here, even those who don't say things I care to hear.
Hang in there. Keep seeing your therapist. There is never a good time to break this news to your SO. You just have to pick your best time, when you are ready and find the courage, you will know.
I've been meaning to post here for a few days now.
Carrie Anne... your first post did nto go into detail, only that you were upset and unhappy in your marraige, your husband was passive, and you said you have had 3 different EAs.
Then you mentioned there were bigger problems and that he's emotionally and sexually abusive and most recently that he is making your have anal sex against your will.
If you don't have a source of income, you can either call legal aide or file divorce "pro se" (meaning, on your own--it's free). Call the courthouse to see what the procedures are for doing that.
You mention staying with him 8 additional years after wanting to have left. I'm not sure where your guilt is coming from sinec you say he's abusive. You have a right to happiness and to get out of a relationship. Maybe you can work with your therapist re: why you feel guilty after being so horribly abused.
I do suggest that you find a job, either way. You need to save money and move out or he can move out so you can start your life without him.
if your kids have been subjected to this abuse (watching dad abuse mom is definitely bringin them up in an abusive environment) then I'd suggest you get counselling for them to deal with this as well. Emotional abuse leaves some really screwed up scars and my bet if they have been affected. Its rare the abuser who only takes the abuse out on the mom and not the kids and I don't know if that is what's happening in your home but no doubt, your kids have been effected if he's very abusive.
I was married to an emotionally abusive man. It gets worse over time. I can't imagine having been with him for 20 years.
Did your H ever know about yoru affairs?
whats wrong with anal sex ? so many porn stars enjoy that once they get used to it .
Jellybeans, I am trying to get the nerve to flat out say I'm done. We danced around the issue Tuesday morning. I just could not push those words out of my mouth. Then I met with my therapist on Wednesday and she helped me to understand that of course there will be ambivalence in a major life decision. I just need courage to be responsible for MY feelings and let him have his own feelings. I keep trying to protect him. That's just the way I am. A conflict avoider. A peacekeeper.
The longer you wait to tell, the longer limbo lasts, the longer your misery and the worse it is for you, your husband, and your kids.
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Originally Posted by bestplayer
whats wrong with anal sex ? so many porn stars enjoy that once they get used to it .
Re-read my post. I did not say anything was wrong with it. I said when it's done against your will, it's wrong.
What relevance do porn stars have with sex against someone's will?
For what it's worth, you are not alone in these types of emotions/feelings. I share identical loss of connection and I completely understand when you refer to guilt and not wanting to cause hurt.
Disconnecting and just growing obviously can be painful when not on the same road as spouse.
I have been there too!
I wish I could take away the pain.
A friend helped me through my issues by asking me to imagine my dream relationship (like she was my fairygodmother and could do it . Writing it down and beleiving God would send it to me (whether it was with my husband or not) helped me stay hopeful and stable as we moved forward. I'd love for you to just take a few minutes to write it here.
For what it's worth, you are not alone in these types of emotions/feelings. I share identical loss of connection and I completely understand when you refer to guilt and not wanting to cause hurt.
Disconnecting and just growing obviously can be painful when not on the same road as spouse.
Re: Dealing With Guilt About Wanting to End It 
. But seriously, I am in my marriage just for my kids. I think my wife suffers from BPD, or maybe she is just incompatible with me. But for whatever reason I've lost the love for my wife, bit by bit, till there is nothing left.
