I've been reading these boards for months. I have composed and recomposed a post in my head to ask for help. I have no clue where to start without making this too long. So here's the condensed version.
We have 3 kids, 10, 12, and 14. We have been together 20 years, married 18. Over the last 9 years, I have had 3 emotional affairs. The first and third were mutual. The middle one was a one-sided obsession I had with someone. After the first EA, I was determined to figure out what went wrong in my marriage to cause it. There are just so many things. He's a good man, great provider. He is also insecure and passive aggressive. He has never been physically abusive to me, but he has done some pretty bad things out of anger (again, not physically abusive toward me). From an outsider's perspective, we have the perfect life. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I have been out of the workforce since 2003.
Basically, I'm done with us. I have lost my love for him. Sex is what I would call "pity sex." I want it over with as quickly as possible, no touching, no kissing. I hide from him and avoid any chances to be alone. When the in-laws say they'll take the kids for a period of time, I freak out over having to be alone with him. I sleep on the edge of the bed, practically falling out because he keeps moving closer.
My problem is how to tell him these things. He knows things are not good with us. We have rehashed the issues over and over for 8 years. We went to counseling for 5 months many years ago and it got us nowhere. We manage to keep ourselves so busy with life and kids that the years just seem to tick by. A few months ago, he said, "If we didn't have kids, I'd still want to be with you, but I don't think you'd want to be with me."
We are in our late 40s, and I feel like my chance to find love again is quickly slipping away. How many more EAs will I have while we wait for the kids to be grown? My eyes are wide open when I meet new men. I am emotionally available and legally unavailable. I feel so guilty for destroying our family. We don't fight, we run a smooth household, the kids are fun and active. But WE do not have a relationship outside of "parenting partners." I need more and I think he deserves better than me.
I feel so guilty for denying our kids a family. How do I get over that feeling? Will I ever get over it?
Update 6/17/11: If you are going to comment on this post, please read my follow on posts in this thread first. When I wrote this, I had not been to counseling yet and was in SERIOUS denial about the state of my marriage. Thank you.
just tell him.
believe me, that will be the nicest most thoughtful thing you could do for him. much better he know now from you telling him that him finding out about the EA's or if you end up in a PA.
if you really want out no question, then do the right thing by him and your kids and let him out now.
Agree. I just wish I knew HOW to do this. I have no income. I don't want the kids to suffer. In my perfect world, we leave the kids here in the house and WE move in and out. He would probably agree to that as well. We have always put the kids first.
Agree. I just wish I knew HOW to do this. I have no income. I don't want the kids to suffer. In my perfect world, we leave the kids here in the house and WE move in and out. He would probably agree to that as well. We have always put the kids first.
Rumor has it, the 1st step is the hardest and I'm not one to talk bc I'm dreading the same conversation you are! How do we break their hearts/dreams? Your story sounds just like mine....I guess that we aren't abnormal, which is encouraging. Mine knows that things aren't good and that it's bc of me.....well actually it takes 2, so there's a mutual blame...My biggest question is do I want to fix this bc I guarantee you, it will have to be me that does or things will just stay the way they are...
I've always been the one to put the marriage/relationship back on track- I'd book the hotel for a weekend away, put cutesy notes in his vehicle, little notes in his lunch, set his clothes out for work, meet him at the door w an ice cold beer in the summer months...and for what? I work, so it's not like I need him for an income, I actually feel the opposite in that respect bc when I lost my great paying job it was like his whole world tipped not mine....I'm very employable and have proven that! I'm back to work, blah, blah...
I guess at the end of the day, when we're in our 60's is he the person I want to be w? For me, I have to get to that place where I could envision him w someone else and then I'll know it's over and move on....am I 100% there? Not quite and that's why I believe there's still hope for my situation....ask yourself that question about him being w someone else, someone else being w your kids....and if the answer is yes, then have that convo...
Agree. I just wish I knew HOW to do this. I have no income. I don't want the kids to suffer. In my perfect world, we leave the kids here in the house and WE move in and out. He would probably agree to that as well. We have always put the kids first.
This is going to sound harsh but if the man is solely working to pay the bills HE deserves better than what you are giving him. If you have no income I recommend that you start looking for a job and/or get some training to re-enter the workforce. If you truly want to "explore" and find love again then be prepared to fend for yourself while making sure the kids needs are met. Its not fair to your husband for him to provide for the family and have a wife who does not value and love him.
But WE do not have a relationship outside of "parenting partners." I need more and I think he deserves better than me.
You don't have a partnership relationship because YOU have purposefully sabotaged any real chance in achieving that.
Your husband has been willing to have that relationship with you and be intimate with you, but you've turned a cold shoulder to him. Marriagbuilders.com talks about love buckets and what we do to fill up the love buckets of our partners. Well you're husbands love bucket has been empty for years now and everytime he tries to fill yours up, you dump it out. You won't love him and you won't let him love you. So don't try to blame this on your husband. The issue is you've decided you don't love him anymore, you deserve better, and yet you stay because it's easier to do nothing, your kids, and because you don't have income.
He's working with incomplete information and you've been mentally torturing him. He's probably posting on another website asking, "I try to be a good husband and father, but my wife won't be affectionate and intimate with me. What can I do?" Let him know the truth, that there's no chance you'll ever love him like he wants, that you haven't loved him for years, that you would have left him years ago if it weren't for comfort, finances, and the kids.... and let him participate in this process of whether the two of you should work at this together or seek a separation. You might hurt him for a while with the hard truth, but don't lie to yourself... the punishment you're putting him through now has been lasting a LONG time. This marriage is already dead, you might as well make it official.
You're way beyond worrying about where to ascribe blame. Some of the people here will scold you for what you've done. I say it's unimportant. Move on and get it over with. Tell him you're through and that's that. He can either accept that or not. Just get the process started and settle your accounts. It's not the end of the world, just this marriage.
Hoops,
Why did you post that her husband does not know what is happening? Sounds like she has been talking to him without progress for 8 years.
I do agree that she needs to be "fair". And fair means that she either fights a lot harder to "fix" the marriage or she gets a job and quickly creates a situation where she can be financially viable when they divorce. It is not fair to do these EA's hoping they will turn into something real so she can dump him and not be broke.
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My problem is how to tell him these things. He knows things are not good with us. We have rehashed the issues over and over for 8 years. We went to counseling for 5 months many years ago and it got us nowhere. We manage to keep ourselves so busy with life and kids that the years just seem to tick by. A few months ago, he said, "If we didn't have kids, I'd still want to be with you, but I don't think you'd want to be with me."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HoopsFan
You don't have a partnership relationship because YOU have purposefully sabotaged any real chance in achieving that.
Your husband has been willing to have that relationship with you and be intimate with you, but you've turned a cold shoulder to him. Marriagbuilders.com talks about love buckets and what we do to fill up the love buckets of our partners. Well you're husbands love bucket has been empty for years now and everytime he tries to fill yours up, you dump it out. You won't love him and you won't let him love you. So don't try to blame this on your husband. The issue is you've decided you don't love him anymore, you deserve better, and yet you stay because it's easier to do nothing, your kids, and because you don't have income.
He's working with incomplete information and you've been mentally torturing him. He's probably posting on another website asking, "I try to be a good husband and father, but my wife won't be affectionate and intimate with me. What can I do?" Let him know the truth, that there's no chance you'll ever love him like he wants, that you haven't loved him for years, that you would have left him years ago if it weren't for comfort, finances, and the kids.... and let him participate in this process of whether the two of you should work at this together or seek a separation. You might hurt him for a while with the hard truth, but don't lie to yourself... the punishment you're putting him through now has been lasting a LONG time. This marriage is already dead, you might as well make it official.
Yeah, we are way beyond the blame stage at this point. I did not just stop loving him out of the blue. HE had a part in that. A big part. So when he's whining on some other board about his wife being distant, I hope he will remember the part he played in my losing my love for him.
Anyway...
We did the Marriage Builders emotional questionnaires 8 years ago. Turns out he can't be affectionate with out sex, and I can't have sex without affection. You can't POJA sex. You just can't. I MUST feel a connection for it to be meaningful. Sure, I can go through the motions, and even have orgasms, but there is no loving touching, no desire. Sex out of obligation is soul crushing. I've been doing it for so long now, I've forgotten what loving sex is like.
I wish I knew just what he could "fix" to make me love him again. It's not like I can ask him to stop drinking or looking at porn or flirting with other women and all will be well. He doesn't do those things. Feelings are just not so clear cut. We have BOTH stayed in this marriage for the kids.
The guilt of actually ENDING it is what is killing me. I know I need to move on so HE can have a better life as well as me. I stated that up front. I'm not usurping his generosity. This is our family life that we have chosen. The fact that I have lost my love for him just kills me and I really don't know if I can get it back.
For what it's worth, you are not alone in these types of emotions/feelings. I share identical loss of connection and I completely understand when you refer to guilt and not wanting to cause hurt.
Disconnecting and just growing obviously can be painful when not on the same road as spouse.
Thanks for the feedback from those of you who actually read my full posts and recognize what a difficult position I am in. It is scary to think of breaking up a family.
I finally broke the ice briefly last night by mentioning my discouragement that nothing has changed. Then this morning as he was leaving for work, we talked for about 10 minutes about rehashing the same issues year after year. It all comes down to sex. I can't have a normal sexual relationship with him because I don't love him romantically anymore. I respect and appreciate all that he does for us. He said he thinks I'm trying to get him to dump me so I wouldn't be to blame. I said I thought we were beyond blame and would dump each other. We both agreed that we love our family and hate to mess that up.
So the idea is out there, but still unresolved. We have had this exact discussion before (8, yes 8 years ago!) and again about a year and a half ago. I mentioned on another thread that the EAs were years apart from each other (and that the 2nd one was not really an EA, but a crush I had on someone who didn't even know it). During the time I was NOT emotionally involved, nothing changed in our marriage.
I know that I am seeking something/someone else and it is not fair to him. I acknowledged that here in my first post. But the blame for our problems is NOT all mine. He played a part in it too (long before the EAs). I just can't shake the guilt at losing the family dream after 20 years.
We did the Marriage Builders emotional questionnaires 8 years ago. Turns out he can't be affectionate with out sex, and I can't have sex without affection.
Can't? I call BS. You both can learn to. What my wife needs to feel loved I learned how to give her. It means nothing to me and was very alien to me, but I learned to do it and I did it with enthusiasm. I did it out of love. She does not respond in kind. When I have finally given up all hope of making it work, I WILL file for divorce and I'm sure it will come as a surprise to her.
She doesn't work. She stays at home. I'm sure people will criticize me for leaving her with no income when she appears to be a good wife. But there is no physical side to our relationship right now and I'm no longer willing to tolerate it.
Carrie Can your consider that your guilt is misplaced? Actually your guilt should be that you had the emotional affairs. You can not blame him for that, that was all you. Problems in a marriage can't be solved by going outside of the marriage as you know. EA and PA hurt and humiliate a spouse and no matter what they have done they don't deserve that.
If you put the guilt where it should be, you may be able to reach a resolution to end your marriage.
As you said, he deserves a chance to find someone who will love him just as he is and you do as well. To risk causing pain, while denying him the opportunity for a new relationship should cause guilt actually. If you stay in the marriage who is to say that you will not have more EA's or even PA's, it may come to that. That alone is reason enough to end the marriage if there is no hope.
Do you hesitate to start the proceedings because you want to avoid guilt? You would be more guilty to continue in the marriage and risk hurting him. There is no reason you should not file, you are the one who is unhappy, he seems able to tolerate the status quo so why should he file with you.
You can go on like this endlessly. It would be better for your children to see happy parents in 2nd relationships than to live in an unhappy home with a bad model of a marriage.
I think my guilt is over messing up the family by really ending it when he is OK with maintaining status quo for the kids. I've been here 8 additional years "for the kids" after telling him I wanted out (and I did leave for several weeks in 2003). Being here for the kids it is wearing me out. I disappoint him daily by not being a real wife. Sure I feel guilty about the EAs. Tremendously guilty because they kept me from being here emotionally. But even during the non EA years, I was not here emotionally.
Dealing With Guilt About Wanting to End It 
