Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.
Yes, my husband knows I am seriously considering divorce.
Since last winter, we took out the equity in our torn-up home and bought a home near where we like to ice-fishing for a few $10,000. This house is completely finished and we own it outright (no mortgage). While it sounds stupid that if I were considering divorce that I would buy additional property with my husband. However, best case we have a home were we like and live happily ever after, worst case he (or I) have a place to go to if I end the marriage. We able to refinance because of the large pay increase I received from changing jobs. We still have a nice about pf equity in the home. So it wasn't a completely stupid move.
Anyway, around the first week he went back to work last spring, he had a major meltdown because I had run several loads of laundry, one was in the wash, one was in the dryer. When he came down in the morning, he was pissed I don't know, 1) His clothes weren't all washed, or 2) he had to "advance" laundry himself to get dry clothes from the items in the wash. During his winter laid of period, he rarely did laundry and he was just witnessing a continuation of my laundry program (I work year-round). He has a belief that the person doing the laundry needs to see every step through to completion (wash, dry, fold, distribute). I don't have time for that because I work full-time, I have a side business, I help the kids with homework or play. If he does laundry, he does this but that is about 10 loads a laundry a year. I never signed up for that program. For him to roar about this again sent me over the edge. I tossed my wedding ring. I was 35 years old and I didn't need to be getting yelled at for household chores when I was doing the best I can given the circumstances. I saw a divorce lawyer the next week.
Things always get better when he goes back to work, because he better pulls his weigh around the house (financially and household chore wise).
This summer we were up at our second home. I went alone to an event at the local state park. There I met a Catholic Benedictine monk who lived in the area. He had invited the host of the event to his house to see his collection. I overheard this and was very interested in the collection personally and professionally, so I invited myself over and was accepted. The man's collection was amazing and his private lab, studio, and library were beyond my imagination. They were just what I had imagined for a business I want to start and I was astounded that someone, especially in the middle of nowhere would have this. When I came home, I was gushing over the monk's collection. My husband is not interested in this stuff and as he left to go out to the garage he called back to our oldest son "Is she still wearing her wedding ring?" Recall I has tossed my ring months before over laundry. I had not worn it for months and no one noticed. My son, said "She's NOT!" He was crushed.
For the first time in years, he really HEARD what I have been saying. I said nothing new about the relationship not feeling like a partnership but more like a parasite relationship. He finally got it. I told him that I preferred that we were partners and that if he could not do that then I was prepared to divorce. He protested about the children; wanting me to wait under they were out. I said "No. We are modeling poor behaviors for our children about how to treat one another and I will not continue without a partner for the "sake of the children"." He agreed. He has been less angry and more of a partner since this conversation up until getting off work for the winter.
He is now back to parasite mode.
I told him yesterday that I could free him from this house project. He could live up North and I could finish this house on my own. He doesn't think I am serious.