Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

Update on everything. It is now almost 2017 and my house is still torn-up. My husband still gets the winters off. He still refuses to allow contractor to do any work. Refuses to let me or our oldest son work on the house.

He has been laid off for the season for four weeks now and all he has to show for it is one coat of mudding and sanding on a hallway wall (maybe 2.5 hours of work calculating in clean-up). He only performed this after I he lied to me about sanding two days before. I knew that had not been done because the insect caught in a spider web was still over a spot that needed mudding.

He and the children took a week long trip to go ice-fishing (I am fine with that). We actually want to move near our favorite ice-fishing spot, but we (he) needs to finish the house first so we can sell it.

When they got back, it was Christmas over the weekend. My husband was not feeling well, cough, plugged nose over the holiday weekend and was still not 100% on Monday. By then, I was sick, but I went to work. When I came home nothing was done. Same thing Tuesday. On Wednesday morning I left him a note before I went to work... spelling out all the projects that need to be done by Spring and reminded him that by refusing any help he is by default agreeing to do all these projects. He called me around noon to tell me that he appreciated the true note, and the he and our oldest son were prepping the living room for work. When I got home, all they had done was through our youngest son's play-fort into a bedroom. No further work was done. He informed me that he always thought of the week after Christmas as "slough week"- take it easy. I told him that we have been married for nearly 14 years and this is the 1st time I ever heard that sentiment and that he did not "request" the time off and I was not on-board with "slough week". Thursday absolutely NOTHING was done!

Last spring I did speak with a lawyer and I got some of my basic questions answered. One of my big ones was do I have to pay my husband spousal maintenance so that he can maintain the "standard of living established during the marriage" (MN 518.552). I doesn't sound like I will but I don't have the money for her retainer fee ($3,000) and I didn't like her style she seemed to pushy for my tastes (she actually laughed at my spousal maintenance question several times, basically because we are too poor for it to apply. But I said the statute makes statement that it only applies to rich people or religious homes where the woman stays home).

Anyway I am ready "emancipate" my husband via divorce from all those broken home projects. (PS He did quit smoking for 1 year, but started up again while ice-fishing).

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 11:25 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

You would do well to talk to a 2 or 3 more lawyers. Ask them the same questions and see what they say.

If there is not a lot of property to split, you might be able to do the divorce yourself. The hardest part would be child support and custody. You might be able to pay a lawyer for only that part.

Is your husband aware that you are seriously considering divorce?
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

Yes, my husband knows I am seriously considering divorce.

Since last winter, we took out the equity in our torn-up home and bought a home near where we like to ice-fishing for a few $10,000. This house is completely finished and we own it outright (no mortgage). While it sounds stupid that if I were considering divorce that I would buy additional property with my husband. However, best case we have a home were we like and live happily ever after, worst case he (or I) have a place to go to if I end the marriage. We able to refinance because of the large pay increase I received from changing jobs. We still have a nice about pf equity in the home. So it wasn't a completely stupid move.

Anyway, around the first week he went back to work last spring, he had a major meltdown because I had run several loads of laundry, one was in the wash, one was in the dryer. When he came down in the morning, he was pissed I don't know, 1) His clothes weren't all washed, or 2) he had to "advance" laundry himself to get dry clothes from the items in the wash. During his winter laid of period, he rarely did laundry and he was just witnessing a continuation of my laundry program (I work year-round). He has a belief that the person doing the laundry needs to see every step through to completion (wash, dry, fold, distribute). I don't have time for that because I work full-time, I have a side business, I help the kids with homework or play. If he does laundry, he does this but that is about 10 loads a laundry a year. I never signed up for that program. For him to roar about this again sent me over the edge. I tossed my wedding ring. I was 35 years old and I didn't need to be getting yelled at for household chores when I was doing the best I can given the circumstances. I saw a divorce lawyer the next week.

Things always get better when he goes back to work, because he better pulls his weigh around the house (financially and household chore wise).

This summer we were up at our second home. I went alone to an event at the local state park. There I met a Catholic Benedictine monk who lived in the area. He had invited the host of the event to his house to see his collection. I overheard this and was very interested in the collection personally and professionally, so I invited myself over and was accepted. The man's collection was amazing and his private lab, studio, and library were beyond my imagination. They were just what I had imagined for a business I want to start and I was astounded that someone, especially in the middle of nowhere would have this. When I came home, I was gushing over the monk's collection. My husband is not interested in this stuff and as he left to go out to the garage he called back to our oldest son "Is she still wearing her wedding ring?" Recall I has tossed my ring months before over laundry. I had not worn it for months and no one noticed. My son, said "She's NOT!" He was crushed.

For the first time in years, he really HEARD what I have been saying. I said nothing new about the relationship not feeling like a partnership but more like a parasite relationship. He finally got it. I told him that I preferred that we were partners and that if he could not do that then I was prepared to divorce. He protested about the children; wanting me to wait under they were out. I said "No. We are modeling poor behaviors for our children about how to treat one another and I will not continue without a partner for the "sake of the children"." He agreed. He has been less angry and more of a partner since this conversation up until getting off work for the winter.

He is now back to parasite mode.

I told him yesterday that I could free him from this house project. He could live up North and I could finish this house on my own. He doesn't think I am serious.
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 12:15 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

Yea, a lot of people stay together for the sake of the kids, I guess in part thinking that kids living separately from both parents will be a bad thing. But, the truth is, studies have shown anyway, that many kids do better after their parents divorce and thrive better in school, because they no longer see two unhappy parents, fighting and drama. If both parents put their kids first after the divorce, I can see kids being just fine...but your kids are learning that this is what a marriage looks like...a passive aggressive husband, and a wife who does everything. Maybe file and then he'll have to take you seriously. I don't believe in threatening divorce, I only believe in discussing it and then following through.

Hope 2017 is a better year for you.

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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

You're going to divorce him because he doesn't finish the projects he started and he's a lazy ass?

I get your frustration but I'm thinking that's taking a sledgehammer to a nail.

Tell him he's got whatever date you pick to finish the work or you both agree to hire a contractor to finish it.

If he refuses, then pull the funds from wherever and do it anyway. You're the breadwinner, so you control the finances, right? If not that needs to change, immediately.

If he agrees, and then the date comes and goes and he's still fighting you on it, well then you've got your back to the wall.

From where he sits, you're going along with all of it so why should he get up off his a$$ when there's football to watch or whatever his favorite lazy a$$ past time happens to be. You've done a fine job enabling him and he's done a fine job taking advantage of you.

Is his behavior a dealbreaker? If you've tried everything and he still won't come to the table then yes, but it sounds to me like you've just let it go for too long.

Who knows maybe filing for divorce will shake him back to reality but based on what you've written I'm thinking divorce might not be your first best option at this particular time.
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

Thank you for your thoughts Browser you have actually clarified that divorce is the only way out. Two years ago when I brought a contractor into the picture, after giving him weeks of notice (and ability to finish the project during his winter off), it was tantamount to adultery in his eyes. I do make most of the money, but I already do everything else I don't want to be the big bad tigh-ass money controlling jerk and take on the task on also controlling the finances. I have enabled this behavour too long and I am not willing to do one more thing to fix it.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 02:51 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

Your words don't match your actions. No reason for him to take you seriously since there is no real consequence for his failure to do so.

He left the house for a week and you took no action on the house. Why? You treat him like a child, allow him to act like a child without consequence and then can't understand why he continues to act like a child?

It's obvious you care a hell of a lot more than he does about the house repairs. He only does the smallest thing he can to shut you up for the moment. You keep nagging at him to work, threaten to divorce and now it's years later. Nothing has changed. Except that you rewarded him with a vacation house while he still hasn't the done the stuff he promised. This is like housetraining a dog by giving it a Scooby snack everytime it craps on the floor.

You two have serious codependence issues. You want the work done? Stop talking and get it done yourself. Or do you need him as your villain more than you need the house finished?
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 03:34 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

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I have enabled this behavour too long and I am not willing to do one more thing to fix it.
You don't actually have to fix it.

Just stop enabling it.

For example. Stop asking him or giving him deadlines to finish the work, since you now state you've already been down that road.

Just get someone in and pay them to finish the work.

Stop thinking/worrying/anticipating what your husband might think or say about it.

He won't actually "do" anything.
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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 04:45 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

If you divorce, you will have to start controlling your own finances.
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

This guy is SUCH a freakin' parasite.

He brings nothing to the table.

NOTHING.

You bust your ass supporting the family while Mr. Under-employed works 8 months out of the year and LOAFS the other 4 months. Since he can't pick his lazy ass up off his recliner and sleeps til noon, I'll also assume you're the one who does most of the housework and child-rearing as well. He's about as worthless as it gets.

Invest in a lawyer. It will be the BEST $3,000 you ever spent.

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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
Your words don't match your actions. No reason for him to take you seriously since there is no real consequence for his failure to do so.

He left the house for a week and you took no action on the house. Why? You treat him like a child, allow him to act like a child without consequence and then can't understand why he continues to act like a child?

It's obvious you care a hell of a lot more than he does about the house repairs. He only does the smallest thing he can to shut you up for the moment. You keep nagging at him to work, threaten to divorce and now it's years later. Nothing has changed. Except that you rewarded him with a vacation house while he still hasn't the done the stuff he promised. This is like housetraining a dog by giving it a Scooby snack everytime it craps on the floor.

You two have serious codependence issues. You want the work done? Stop talking and get it done yourself. Or do you need him as your villain more than you need the house finished?
Yep. You have been all talk to this point, why should he take you seriously? Unless you are ready RIGHT NOW to file for divorce, you need to stop threatening it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

It does sound like divorce time.

You are getting beat up a bit here for you not following through with things you threatened. But I think that most people have not lived with someone like your husband who simply will not respond to any kind of threat or consequence that you put out there. You have already given him the threat. He ignored it. So now it's time for you to follow through.

It's very hard to follow through on such huge consequences... going over his head to get the house fixed while he's in the house and will make your life miserable; or him refusing to take up the slack with the home and children when he's not working. But now is the time to follow through. You told him the consequence. He does not think that you are serious so he's not make the needed changes. So now it's time for you to file for divorce.

It is not the responsibility of a wife (or a husband) to spend their life giving consequences and dropping the hammer on their spouse to get their spouse to do what should be done. You are not his mother. It's not your place to tell him what to do and to punish him if he does not do things. The only thing you can do to save your sanity is to exit the marriage with a man who is acting like a child and treating you like his mother. If a person (your husband) will not take responsibility for things in a relationship/family, then they don't deserve that relationship/family.

On things like his laundry. Ok, so he gripes about you not doing the laundry his way; he hardly ever does the laundry; and he does little to nothing in the house. So stop doing his laundry. Ignore his laundry. If he wants clean clothing he knows how to make that happen.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

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You're going to divorce him because he doesn't finish the projects he started and he's a lazy ass?

I get your frustration but I'm thinking that's taking a sledgehammer to a nail.
No, it's not. She has a legitimate HIGH emotional need for her house to be decent. He is not meeting her need. Continuously. For 14 years. That is a blatant slap in the face to her that he doesn't even care if she is happy.

I have a two-page list of things my husband hasn't done in the last 13 years. It sits right on the kitchen counter, for the past 2 years. And as soon as I get us out of debt, I'm going to pay someone to do it all and then see about selling the house and divorcing.

Just like OP, my husband KNOWS these things are important to me, but he always has something else that matters more. My IC even gave me the name of a contractor so I could start taking care of these things and remove H from the equation.

If your W refused to meet your top need for more than 10 years, would you not consider divorce?
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

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If your W refused to meet your top need for more than 10 years, would you not consider divorce?
Well when you put it that way...
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Layabout husband- 3 years in a tore-apart home.

If things are that bad with your husband you'd be better of getting divorced now and split the assets/debt and start fresh. There's no real benefit in waiting, unless you are hoping that the time will let your husband have an opportunity to change the situation and keep you happy enough that you want to stay married.
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