UnHealthy

I am married almost 20 years. Sorry this will be long...

We have 2 kids, 19 and 16. Both wife and I are college educated. WE agreed for her not work while kids were younger. I have been at every school and sporting event they both participated in. Also coached for several years and feel I was heavily involved with them mostly in sports while my wife was involved heavily in schoolwork and activities.

I began a business that has grown over the past 19 years to a multi-million dollar business, but that all went to hell in 2007 until 2010. Business was so bad I had to lay off several employees and we experienced losses for the first time ever. There were months that I had to pull thousands out of personal funds to keep the business open.

That is probably when most of the resentment toward my wife started because I asked, begged and pleaded for her help at work and she would not help one bit even though she had no job and the kids were in High School.

Here is a list of health problems I have: High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Gout, Acid Reflux, Depression, Smoking, TMJ, Back/Neck Pain, and 20 Lbs overweight.

As mentioned, I have built up a resentment toward her because she will not help with OUR business. I feel that if she refuses to work, then she should be a professional Home Maker. That includes preparing healthy meals for her family.

So I have a few questions to help determine my sanity:

1. My wife has not once helped me to change my bad habits.
She doesn't seem to care if I smoke all day, doesn't seem to
care about frequent episodes of gout or any of the other
health issues mentioned above. Would that bother you? I
realize it is my problem and responsibility ultimately, but
should a person expect their spouse to help and/or care?

2. When we had financial hardships in 2008 and so forth my
wife refused to help. Additionally, she refused to go to work
in any capacity. She still left the AC on at 72 in the
Summer and 76 in the Winter, plus all the lights! There has
been no attempt to cut costs after MANY discussions. She
always says she will cut back but never does. We agreed to put the house up for sale 2 years ago and it was determined that would be her contribution but she has done nothing. This is going
on 4 years now. Should I expect my spouse to help by
getting a job or working at my company? Should I expect
her to keep expenses down during these times?

3. Regarding our social life. I want a spouse who has friends
and makes plans to have dinners, etc. My wife doesn't seem
to care that we have very few friends and clearly states
repeatedly she could care less, and I constantly state how
important friendships are to me and how miserable I am when
I don't have things to do socially. I realize I could just go
golfing or fishing, but it's not the same to me. Should I
expect her to change and be more social? She was very
social when we met by the way.

Aside from the issues above everything else is manageable to me. Any thoughts or comments you have would be soooo much appreciated.

PBear

1) No. I changed my life around for me, not for anyone else. And I'm the only one responsible for my health. As far as her health goes, I could make suggestions, make sure to be available when she wanted to go for a walk or whatever, but she's the one that has to decide to not buy the bottle of wine, or sit in front of the TV all night. I married a grown-up, not a child.

2) Yes, it would seem reasonable that she would contribute somehow to the financial well-being of the family. But apparently, there's no reason for her to inconvenience herself to make that happen, so why would she? She's probably very comfortable right where she is, doing what she apparently wants to do.

3) If a social life is so important to you, then make it important to you and take care of it. It's obviously not important to her, and as noted above, why should she go outside her comfort zone if she doesn't need to?

Basically, if something is truly important to you, you'll make it happen. Otherwise, it's not really that important to you. That includes your health and social life. Your wife had demonstrated that these issues of yours are not a concern of hers, and therefore she's not going to bother with them. Heck, read up on "fitness tests", and see if she's just yanking your chain.

C

Sanity

1. Its your sole responsiblity for your own health. I love my family members who smoke but there is nothing I can do to get them to quit. Its their responsibility.

2. She should be able to help you especially if the kids are in school let alone in highschool. She can work and she's just being lazy at this point.

3. You can't force somebody to have friends. Trust me I have tried. Some people just have antisocial tendancies. Sorry.

UnHealthy

Thank you. I'm just having a hard time believing she loves me. That must be part of the problem. I am going to do what I need to do even if it seems like a loveless marriage.

Mom6547

What was the content / reason for her refusal? We cannot help you if we don't understand her point of view.
No offense dude, but you could take care of a good number of these just by lifestyle changes. Did you know that smoking is totally optional. Yes I know it is hard. I smoked from the about 11 years old until about 38 years old. High blood pressure? cholesterol? GOUT? Acid reflux and over weightness all go away with diet and exercise.

Think about how not depressed you will be when you are a lean, mean fighting machine.

Above you state that YOU started a business. Which is it?

You feel. Or YOU could be responsible for what goes into your body.

Honestly, I would really resent someone who made their inability to eat right and exercise my problem. Might you maybe wish to read the man up threads in the Men's Clubhouse?

Snip some stuff we really cannot help with without her input.
What you should or should not *expect* is irrelevant. You don't get to choose her actions. You can INFLUENCE her actions. Every action has a reaction in relationships.


to help by
getting a job or working at my company? Should I expect
her to keep expenses down during these times?
So you want a souse who
- takes care of you physically
- provides when you can't
- makes a social life for you

Boy would it be interesting to see HER post!