DevastatedandConfused

Hi,

Im desperate for support and advice. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

Ive been married 18months and with my hubby for just under 4yrs. (Im 25, he is 27). The last year has been a little stale, and 3 weeks ago things came to ahead when I found a flirty message on his facebook account. I confronted him immediately, and he was so angry. He stormed out the house, when he came back that night, he was devastated. He said he was just flirting but it meant nothing. I believe him. Please dont talk to me if you're just going to say he is cheating on me, I dont need to hear that. I have accepted the fact that he may have turned to this girl at work because he was not getting what he needed at home from me. I have been having a rough time at work and have been bringing my bad moods home with me. He said I have lost sight of who I am, and am not the bright bubbly person he fell in love with. He said he tried to fix me, but when it didnt work, he gave up trying and now has no energy left to try again.

He has told me several times that he is no longer in love with me, and doesnt want to be here. Its absolutely killing me. I have tried to respect his need for space - only replying to his texts/calls. We are still in our home together, sleeping seperately, but we eat dinner together and watch TV together. He said its important we keep talking and he is open and honest about his feelings. I am as well, but its so hard to try and be positive and hide my tears when my whole world is crumbling

He says he is going to move out in July when our rental contract is up, but wants us to live together until then. I have stayed away the past 2 weekends, and when Im gone he has contacted me via text or phonecall everyday. I feel like he still cares because the 2 times I've cried infront of him, he has cuddled me and tried to comfort me. He also says that he wants us to remain friends and we need to support each other through this situation. He moved 300miles to be with me when we met, and he says Im all he has here as he doesnt want to move to his family home.

He says that he is having a "wobble" and is sorry for dragging me along with him. He doesnt know what he wants from his life / career and feels by being alone he will be able to regain control and find himself. He is such a strongwilled person who wants to succeed at everything. When I asked him if he felt he had failed at our marriage, he began to cry and it broke my heart all over again.

I know no one can make this right, but I'm so frightened. I've never felt so sure that splitting up would be wrong. I love this man with all my heart body and soul. We have both admitted we have a part to play in this, and neither one of us blames the other. We dont argue, never have and never will. I am just so lost, he wont see a councillor, doesnt want to try and fix things (he said everything breaks for a reason).

What can I do in the 8 weeks I have with him before he leaves me? I honestly dont believe he feels nothing for me because if he didnt, why would he text me, still be here and want to talk to me? PLEASE HELP ME TRY AND SAVE MY MARRIAGE

Acorn

Whether he is right or wrong, it sounds like he misses the old you. Do you miss the old you? (If you were cheerful and happy prior to your work troubles, and suddenly you are bringing doom and gloom home with you each day, it's bound to have an effect on him too.)

You asked not to talk about the other gal. I will just say that pretty much every other gal on the planet who is interested in him will be acting very bubbly and happy, and whether he is cheating or not, the flirting may have helped him form an opinion that he can eliminate your work's doom and gloom AND get a bubbly, happy, mate if he leaves his marriage and finds someone else.

Can you provide him some of the things he's missing in the upcoming 8 weeks? Can you ask him to let you try? Can you show him that you have built up a boundary between your feelings at work and at home? Can you flirt with him? You said that he doesn't want to fix things, but can you show him that you do? Can you find very specific things that would show him love in the language he needs to feel it in?

(I'm sad to hear of your husband's actions and I do not defend him at all. But were I in your shoes, that's what I'd do if I wanted him to stay.)

DevastatedandConfused

Thank you both for your messages. I do feel like I've lost myself because by the time work
Got better, our relationship was in trouble and neither of us admitted it

I offered to move out now and live with my parents so he
Really could have space from me. He didn't want this. Should I
Maybe see this as a silent sign that he is giving me a chance to
Change? Or am I being to hopeful and setting myself up to fall
Down again?
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ku1980rose

I have only been married 10 months and in my case I am the one who wants to separate, so I am going to offer advice from the point of view of the one who wants the space. It may be different from a woman's point of view than from your husband's, but that's all I can give.

Right now, I feel I need space and my H doesn't feel that way. Although we fight all of the time, he still wants me there. I feel if I can't get away and clear my head, then there will never be the possibility of getting through this. I feel a lot of contempt for him, which is not necessarily his fault, but our fighting and our anger breeds contempt and I can't seem to get out from under that. If I really want to be with him, then I feel separation may show me that after a while.

The same may go for your husband. He may need the space to realize he needs you. He still calls you and texts you which is a good thing. I don't call or text my husband much when we are apart at this time. What I feel I need from him, and what your husband may need from you is to just back off. I don't mean that in a bad way, just don't know how else to put it. Don't beg, don't plead, don't call him all the time. Don't ask him why. Don't try to get him to talk all the time. I'm not saying you do these things, but if you do, that would be my advice. Give him the space he needs. Begging and Pleading and being too clingy will usually only drive that person further away.

Hope some of this helps. This is a great place for advice! Good luck!

Jellybeans

I can tell you STRAIGHT UP that you crying and begging for him to stay with you isn't going to work.

So you need to tell him that you thoght about what he said and you agree, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to commit as much as you are.

WHY will this work? Because right now he sees you as falling all over him to keep him. Doing the opposite (a 180) will serve you better.

I think it's cruel he wants to stick around for another 2 months while ti['s convenient for him.

You say you dont want to talk about the chick on his FB he flirted with but if he got the pissed off, left home and came back all "devstated" he was up to no good. I'm not saying he cheated on you but if he didn't, he was prob thinking about it.

You haven't been married that long. If he is so sure he wants out, let him go. Don't waste your life agonizing over someone who doesn't even know what a committment/marriage is.