I am so happy to find this site! I am new here, and look forward to reading some of the threads. I have been married for 15 years to a very nice man. I say 'nice' man because he is. He is a good father, a great supporter, a generous person. However, he is practically asexual! For 15 years I have felt like I am invisible. It is so hard. He loves me, but I am not in love with him. He would go months without sex, or even mentioning sex. I am a very high sex drive person. I have felt guilty for having this make me unhappy, but the fact is, it DOES make me unhappy! I am very unhappy. We have started counseling and the counselor basically told me that this sort of lack of intimacy is caused by 2 things: homosexuality or an affair. My hb and I have decided to separate, but yet, I don't know if I continue to go that route? Any suggestions? How do you remove the guilt!
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
I couldn't stay. But this is your life. An open relationship wouldn't work for me. Is rather be single and f anyone I wanted with abandon. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mika Lynn
I am so happy to find this site! I am new here, and look forward to reading some of the threads. I have been married for 15 years to a very nice man. I say 'nice' man because he is. He is a good father, a great supporter, a generous person. However, he is practically asexual! For 15 years I have felt like I am invisible. It is so hard. He loves me, but I am not in love with him. He would go months without sex, or even mentioning sex. I am a very high sex drive person. I have felt guilty for having this make me unhappy, but the fact is, it DOES make me unhappy! I am very unhappy. We have started counseling and the counselor basically told me that this sort of lack of intimacy is caused by 2 things: homosexuality or an affair.
What was your husband's reply to that?!?
Get a different counselor. This one is a charlatan.
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
There really are asexual people. There are allegedly autosexual people as well. There are performance issues. There are strange belief systems like Madonna/*****, cleanliness ocd peeps....
Does your h watch porn? Does he masturbate? Into anything sick or odd like children or fuzzy animals? Tons of alt explanations.
Still doesn't fix your probs but thought you should know. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Dear Mika,
I have never met a woman who could keep up with my sexual drive. It has caused some tensions in my marriage too but I don't know how you can go without sex for months!... I go crazy after 3 days!
For my part, what has caused the most pressure in my marriage on the sexual side is my need to explore, discover, change, vary. I have always been faithful, never even kissed a woman on the mouth if I was not with her. That has been the case all my life.
But I stopped asking for "things" when I realized the stress I put on her from the realization she did not, could not satisfy me... instead pretended all was ok.
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClipClop
I couldn't stay. But this is your life. An open relationship wouldn't work for me. Is rather be single and f anyone I wanted with abandon. Posted via Mobile Device
I can't have an open relationship. I want it all! I want, the fairy tale, ya know. The man who loves me for ME. I love sex, but this isn't about just sex, this is about intimacy and connection.
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom6547
What was your husband's reply to that?!?
Get a different counselor. This one is a charlatan.
I actually like my counselor. I am not an 'uneducated' or 'unadvised woman.' I am a sex educator for God sakes! I know the reasons for lack of intimacy. My little opening statement is not fully divulging. This lack of sex is not new, it has always been this way. I tend to believe that my counselor is pretty dead on with the homosexuality issue, because my HB does not look at me like A MAN should. I am a very, very sexual woman. I love sex - period. I have been with other men (unfortunately very bad relationships, one was VERY abusive, he nearly killed me). I was looking for the 'nice' guy. I got him. I just got the asexual one.
Any suggestions you may have would be very helpful!
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClipClop
There really are asexual people. There are allegedly autosexual people as well. There are performance issues. There are strange belief systems like Madonna/*****, cleanliness ocd peeps....
Does your h watch porn? Does he masturbate? Into anything sick or odd like children or fuzzy animals? Tons of alt explanations.
Still doesn't fix your probs but thought you should know. Posted via Mobile Device
Honestly, I have tried to gammut. I love porn; he hates it. Makes him uncomforable. I have tried toys, read books, written articles, etc. He is just not...interested. He claims to not have much interest in masturbation. As far as I know he isn't into kids or animals.
Regardless of the reason, he is not giving me what I need or want, so am I justified in feeling...bad?
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mika Lynn
Honestly, I have tried to gammut. I love porn; he hates it. Makes him uncomforable. I have tried toys, read books, written articles, etc. He is just not...interested. He claims to not have much interest in masturbation. As far as I know he isn't into kids or animals.
Regardless of the reason, he is not giving me what I need or want, so am I justified in feeling...bad?
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bastien
Dear Mika,
I have never met a woman who could keep up with my sexual drive. It has caused some tensions in my marriage too but I don't know how you can go without sex for months!... I go crazy after 3 days!
For my part, what has caused the most pressure in my marriage on the sexual side is my need to explore, discover, change, vary. I have always been faithful, never even kissed a woman on the mouth if I was not with her. That has been the case all my life.
But I stopped asking for "things" when I realized the stress I put on her from the realization she did not, could not satisfy me... instead pretended all was ok.
Bastien
I know what you mean about the sex drive. I have heard mine is very high, and it is getting higher. I don't find it unnatural or like I am 'addicted' to sex, but still. I am bi-sexual, and over the last year I have explored options with some of my female friends, just because my need to be physically TOUCHED is so high. My HB is very robotic in bed, he doesn't touch me like he wants to, instead it does it like he thinks he HAS to. I know he realizes that he can not satisfy me, and I know he wants to try, but the more he 'tries' the worse it gets.
So, you and your wife, are you planning on divorcing, or are you seeking counseling too? I think counseling is a good option, but the truth is, my heart is not quite in this marriage. I want my HB in my life, as a friend, but at this point I have been a roomate so long, I don't know if I can go back to being a wife.
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Lack of intimacy was one of the reasons for my separation. The fact that she wasn't willing to take an interest in addressing this problem and others was a bigger issue. So yes, I think it can be a reason for a divorce.
I ended up cheating on my wife, thinking that if I addressed this need I could handle the rest of the marriage issues till the kids were old enough. Bad idea, and even though I was never "caught", I ended up leaving the marriage less than 6 months later.
Sexual compability will be a major selling point in the next relationship. After doing without for 17 years, I'd be willing to put up with a lot more fights over other stuff if the sex was awesome, I think... My current GF has been a good match so far...
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
At least in my state, lack of sex is one of the most common issues listed. That doesn't take away the guilt, though. Maybe look at it this way: What did you and your husband intend when you exchanged marriage vows? What was your understanding of the covenant between you two? Did he say, "No, I don't want to meet your sexual needs?"
Not trying to be superficial or sarcastic, but just pointing out that he is more or less trying to enforce a new norm into the relationship. One that you would've never agreed to. And its a very basic need. You're not casting him aside by splitting.
Some will say that marriage is for better or for worse, but this is based upon the assumtion that the unmet needs are unintentional, in my opinion. There is a basic assumption that if you both can try, you should both try to meed each other's needs.
Re: Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halien
At least in my state, lack of sex is one of the most common issues listed. That doesn't take away the guilt, though. Maybe look at it this way: What did you and your husband intend when you exchanged marriage vows? What was your understanding of the covenant between you two? Did he say, "No, I don't want to meet your sexual needs?"
Not trying to be superficial or sarcastic, but just pointing out that he is more or less trying to enforce a new norm into the relationship. One that you would've never agreed to. And its a very basic need. You're not casting him aside by splitting.
Some will say that marriage is for better or for worse, but this is based upon the assumtion that the unmet needs are unintentional, in my opinion. There is a basic assumption that if you both can try, you should both try to meed each other's needs.
Honestly Halien, I kind of think he tricked me. When we were dating I wanted sex 2 times a day, minimum, not including oral. He would tell me no all the time. Before the wedding we had a sit down, I told him what I needed. He was all 'oh, I'm just nervous about the wedding' etc, but it never got better. I would be better if we had some really good sex along the way and this was just a down turn. I could deal with that. It isn't, there has been no UPturn.
He told me that he knows he can't be what I want, and he wants to be friends. Well, that is fine, but I want a husband, I have enough friends....
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Is Lack of sex / intimacy a reason for divorce 
