Please help... I'm so confused about my marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:02 AM Thread Starter
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Please help... I'm so confused about my marriage

Okay, I think it may help me to write down my story...

My husband and I got married when he was 23 and I was 21. We have been married for 13 years.

Before we got married, we dated for 2 years. I almost broke up with him about a year into dating him, then his brother died and that tragedy brought us close and we didn't break up.

We married, and all was great. We were getting along well and having sex regularly.

When I was 26 (ten years ago) I was diagnosed with cancer and my husband was a huge help! A great friend and good support. However, the cancer and emotions surrounding it killed my sex drive. We basically stopped having sex when I was ill. I got better... but the sex life didn't resume. I had thyroid cancer which truly messed with my hormones and weight.

I don't quite know how it happened but we never really started to have sex regularly again. Even after my weight went back to normal and hormones were regulated.

My husband started to drink more (he has always enjoyed a drink) to the point of getting drunk every night. He still does. Sometimes it bothers me, but he isn't mean. He's very functional.

Lacking sex, (about 9 years ago) I started to become attracted to a friend of mine. I had an affair. I felt horrible. He felt horrible. The friend and I agreed to never be together ever again. We never were. I didn't tell my husband about it until last year.

around 8 years ago, We started fighting. We started to not get along as well... we were not having sex. (like once or twice a year)

We kept working on things... but we bickered about every single little thing. He kept drinking a lot. We started to go to counseling. It didn't help. we were not getting along.

Then he had to move for a job, and honestly I was glad to have the space. He moved to another state. That was three years ago. Now he lives a 5 hour drive away and we see each other every 4- 6 weeks.

We still never have sex. We have had sex 2 times in the last 5 years.

We don't have kids. We own a home together.

BUT now that we don't live together, we get along great! We are good friends. We chat on the phone almost every night, and when he comes to visit we go to the ballet, to breakfast, to the park, to the museum, shopping, have great discussions.

SO - have we changed? We still don't have sex. I am completely unattracted to him. I am afraid that we will never be able to re-start our sex life, it has been bad for so long.

BUT we are good friends now. Is it more important to stay friends and stay together and have a life parter?

OR should we break up and start over and try to find others? I just don't think I can go much longer without sex. I want a parter who I can have sex with.

I just told him that we need to have a discussion and asses where we are at in the relationship. I am thinking about being separated.

Advice? thoughts? Did anyone read this far?

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 08:09 AM
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Re: Please help... I'm so confused about my marriage

I am glad to hear you recovered from your bout with cancer.

I will tell you that my relationship with my wife started from similar emotionally charged times, and I understand in retrospect how that can make you wonder if you really were meant to be.

But c'mon, from hubby's perspective, he stood by you during your sickness. He accepted the situation had killed your sex drive. He watched you gain weight. And with all this, he supported you and stood by you.

When it was your turn to stand by him, you jumped into bed with another guy. You say, "I want a partner who I can have sex with." I guarantee you your husband was thinking the same thing when you needed him most. Entirely likely his drinking increased to cope with the situation. I don't know if I personally could recover from this devastating betrayal had I put in all the effort to support you and stand by you for a year.

This is only one guy's opinion, but it sounds like he's lost his attraction to you long ago. I don't mean this to be judgmental but I can't imagine he views your behavior from years ago as anything but extremely selfish and immature. Could it be that he took the job in another state because he was desperate to get some space from you?
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