05-06-2011, 03:02 AM
Join Date: May 2011
| | Please help... I'm so confused about my marriage
Okay, I think it may help me to write down my story...
My husband and I got married when he was 23 and I was 21. We have been married for 13 years.
Before we got married, we dated for 2 years. I almost broke up with him about a year into dating him, then his brother died and that tragedy brought us close and we didn't break up.
We married, and all was great. We were getting along well and having sex regularly.
When I was 26 (ten years ago) I was diagnosed with cancer and my husband was a huge help! A great friend and good support. However, the cancer and emotions surrounding it killed my sex drive. We basically stopped having sex when I was ill. I got better... but the sex life didn't resume. I had thyroid cancer which truly messed with my hormones and weight.
I don't quite know how it happened but we never really started to have sex regularly again. Even after my weight went back to normal and hormones were regulated.
My husband started to drink more (he has always enjoyed a drink) to the point of getting drunk every night. He still does. Sometimes it bothers me, but he isn't mean. He's very functional.
Lacking sex, (about 9 years ago) I started to become attracted to a friend of mine. I had an affair. I felt horrible. He felt horrible. The friend and I agreed to never be together ever again. We never were. I didn't tell my husband about it until last year.
around 8 years ago, We started fighting. We started to not get along as well... we were not having sex. (like once or twice a year)
We kept working on things... but we bickered about every single little thing. He kept drinking a lot. We started to go to counseling. It didn't help. we were not getting along.
Then he had to move for a job, and honestly I was glad to have the space. He moved to another state. That was three years ago. Now he lives a 5 hour drive away and we see each other every 4- 6 weeks.
We still never have sex. We have had sex 2 times in the last 5 years.
We don't have kids. We own a home together.
BUT now that we don't live together, we get along great! We are good friends. We chat on the phone almost every night, and when he comes to visit we go to the ballet, to breakfast, to the park, to the museum, shopping, have great discussions.
SO - have we changed? We still don't have sex. I am completely unattracted to him. I am afraid that we will never be able to re-start our sex life, it has been bad for so long.
BUT we are good friends now. Is it more important to stay friends and stay together and have a life parter?
OR should we break up and start over and try to find others? I just don't think I can go much longer without sex. I want a parter who I can have sex with.
I just told him that we need to have a discussion and asses where we are at in the relationship. I am thinking about being separated.
Advice? thoughts? Did anyone read this far?