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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-10-2011, 10:56 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Emily93, Although I understand what Dedicated is trying to say, I disagree with him. If you have no feelings for him and do not want to try to reconcile and your mind is made up then I think that going your separate ways is the best option. You are still very young, you have no children, your marriage is 4 years old. Your situation, although no one wants to be there, is actually better than a lot of folks on here that have kids and have been married many years. Yes, it will be VERY painful for him and he will be hurt and possibly angry for a long time but you are not being fair to either of you by not talking to him about this. It is really up to you as to whether or not you feel there is a possibilty of getting back together. If you HONESTLY feel like you don't want to stay in your marriage, then don't for both of your sakes. I do not tell you that lightly, I am catholic and we don't believe in divorce but guess what, my wife dropped the D word on me after 36 years of building memories with our 3 children - it is awful!!! All I can advise you of is don't make the same mistake we did. If you are not or never were in love with him, for whatever reason you married, it was a mistake. An incredibly stupid HUGE one at that but without happiness you can not be good role models for your future kids if you were to have any.

On the other hand, if you feel like you are just waffling around on this and you have any last bit of love for him, then it's definitely worth it to continue to fight for your marriage.

I'm just sayin', don't stay in a loveless relationship for both your sakes. I hope that, if and when you break the news to him, that his suffering will not be a long one and that he will come to understand that he deserves someone that will love, honor, and cherish him - I can't stress enough what it is like to be in a marriage where your partner does not in love with you, it leads to an empty void in your heart and lot of sacrifice and you are just in survival mode for the rest of your life. YOU HAVE TO HAVE LOVE ON BOTH SIDES for this to work. Just my .02 worth.

BTW, my comment is taking into account that you already talked about this and went to IC and MC. Obviously that is the right path. It's a self check to make sure you are not going to make another mistake by breaking up the marriage.

Last edited by brighterlight; 05-10-2011 at 11:02 AM.
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:08 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Hmmm. I like what brighterlight said, and from his point of view that is how he sees it. Know this: Happiness only comes from within. You can honor what you can honor. I do know one thing. God honors people who honor covenants, especially, one's they make with HIM. So, while it may seem dim and dark in your current "reality", you never know what is over the horizon.

I am IN a marriage where love doesn't exists. It does suck. I have 4 kids, and I know what brighterlight is saying. However, to initiate a divorce based upon "feelings" is not to truly love someone. Love is a verb. The emotions are always 10 steps behind the actions. My therapist has seen couples from arranged marriages fall madly in love with each other through couples counseling when love NEVER existed. Other people will not make you happy. Only YOU can find that within yourself.
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:24 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Dedicated, agreed! I stuck it out 36 years because not only did I love her (and I still do) but because I was honoring the vows I made in front of God. I would have lived my whole life with her. But the ugly truth is that if you both don't commit that way, then the marriage will fall apart. It has to be both of you feeling that commitment; and she didn't/couldn't. I see my parents as an example and I am ashamed of my situation although I an not the one that wanted the divorce. My mother and father both have their faults and they irritate each other quite often, but they have stuck it out 52 years and will for the rest of their lives.

I don't take it lightly if I advise someone to leave a marriage but I see that in this situation, they are young with no children and she is not in love with him (I think). And they are not starting together like an arranged marriage, which I have seen grown into love. This is the other way, they have been together for 4 years and she has fallen out of love. I am torn about this situation, really I am, but I would hate to see both of them unhappy forever.
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:46 AM   #19 (permalink)
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This is the other way, they have been together for 4 years and she has fallen out of love.
And with the right mentors and support system could find some MAJOR interesting things underneath with patience. There is something missing in each one of them that will hinder them in the future if it is not fixed. They can stick it out and become "whole" people together. Which will most likely lead to a love that is greater and deeper than anything they ever thought possible. OR, they can start over.

I've read your story brighterlight. I understand and am sorry for what you have gone through. However, I have a wife that had made her decision. She was done. She had no hope. Even as recent as March she said, "I just have no love feelings for you." However, time goes by. You experience life together. People mentor you and help you rearrange your life to maximize the relationship. Things slowly change. Before you know it, you start doing little things for the other person. You start to put them first in ways you never thought about. There is a sweetness brewing in my marriage that has NEVER been there. If she or I walks before the fruition, we miss out on the greatest blessing that we possibly could have been given.

Problem is, Emily could very well have this demise in her next relationship if she doesn't cure what is going on inside her before she leaves.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:02 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Shortly after we got married, I started saying how it didn't feel right. We went to see a marriage counselor once. My husband isn't exactly the talking type, he didn't like it and we never went back. I thought part of our problem might be that we lived in the town he grew up in, with all of his same friends and family. He relied heavily on their thoughts. So, 2 years ago we packed and moved 1,000 miles away. I thought it might be better if it were just the two of us. It did. We have grown closer, we do things together instead of as a massive group. But my heart just doesn't feel like his. I've thought about divorce/separation several times, but everytime I used the argument of "I can't do that to him" He really is such a great guy, and I do feel terrible for the heartbreak I'm about to cause him. Part of me wonders if I should just stay with him, maybe he is the best thing for me, but then I think 'I deserve to be in love too, right?' I want to make sure he'll be okay after we split up (I make signficantly more than him). I have started saving some money. We don't really own anything so that isn't an issue. I wanted to keep him on my health insurance, but I want to be able to move on with my life. It seems like that would be harder for both of us if we're still married.
Emily, you wrote this on another thread. You went to see a marriage counselor------ONCE. Here is how you handle your husband. Tell him you are going to marriage counseling or you are leaving....period. I will stick to my previous statement in thinking......Sounds like he doesn't know how bad things are. Do it for YOU. So you have NO REGRETS and so you know that you are "set up for success" in your relationships going forward.

If you have any desire to try, pick up "The Love Dare" and do it. Just do it.

Here is your previous thread below:

Is something better than nothing?
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:35 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Yip Dedicated, I agree but it is my wife that said there is no hope left. We tried a short term separation back in 2009. It was OK after that for a while but then fell apart again. I don't think she has felt any real deep love for me for a very long time. Believe me, I know what you mean by what you are saying but if she does not want to give that a try, I can not force that on her. I would like her to change (although there is permanent damage now between my mother, sister and her but that is another story) she choses not too. We have been to IC and MC on several occasions over the last 10 years.

Also, there are several other things that may be different between you and me. How long have you been married? Are there still young children in your life, etc? Alot of that weighs heavily into the equation as well. My wife is not willing to change her opinion of how she wants me to be, she is imposing conditions on me that I can not meet to her satisfaction, so as long as the conditions are there, I can't be myself; she won't allow me to so I will not be that way. I am a good caring loving father and husband and I have never cheated on her, nor have I been decietful to her. I've lived my life honourably and with dignity. She told me she resents me for putting her in the situation for asking for a D. Well, resent is a powerful word to someone who loves you and has dedicated his entire life to you, and has been there through serious illness and injury. I am the one that is wanting to stay in the marriage, she is out. I wish it were different. Her issues with me - my weight (and i am not that much overweight believe me - 40lbs over. and a lot of people tell me I am a pretty good looking guy; not bragging just trying to make a point), and mainly her issue is what she calls, my pessimistic attitude. I take the blame for that, it is my personality, I am an engineer, science kind of person. It's in my nature to forecast problems. I think she just felt exhausted keeping up with that. To be honest, I consider myself middle of the road. On many (probably about 50/50) I have looked at terrible situations in a more optimistic view than she has. So there you are, weight and "negative attitude". OK, I can buy that, I have heard the saying that you can actually be influenced to feel a certain way by being around people and depending on their attitude, you can be happy or miserable. I guess she was miserable. And those two issues were apparently enough to swing her to the leaving side. Oh yeah, not to mention that she faced a life threatening disease last year for 13 months. I was by her side suffering with her every step of the way. So I am not a happy camper right now but all in all, I can live with myself because I did the best I could for all those years and I would not have traded all that time for the world.

I will be losing those 40 lbs soon now that I don't have "other responsibilities" getting in my way.

Oops, sorry Emily, I did not mean to hijack your post. I wrote this just to point out that, it will be OK for both of us to be happy - both of us although right now I am hurting deeply but I know I also can not continue to live in a loveless relationship.

Last edited by brighterlight; 05-10-2011 at 12:52 PM.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:40 PM   #22 (permalink)
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And they are not starting together like an arranged marriage, which I have seen grown into love. This is the other way, they have been together for 4 years and she has fallen out of love. I am torn about this situation, really I am, but I would hate to see both of them unhappy forever.
I believe she was never in love with him to begin with. That's the real issue here. If there was love in the beginning, I believe that it could be revived, but it appears there is nothing to revive.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:44 PM   #23 (permalink)
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We have been married 12 years, and, yes, we have 4 young ones. 9,7,5, and 3. Fortunate for me, my wife is a "fighter". She doesn't give up easy. I have years of "walls" to take down of hers and some that came into the marriage. We also have an AMAZING therapist.

Have you ever read, "Winning your wife back before it's too late" ?? Great book. It helps you develop yourself and find victory regardless of the outcome.

Also, Emily, I'm not intentionally trying to be hard on you. I just see red flags.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:47 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I believe she was never in love with him to begin with. That's the real issue here. If there was love in the beginning, I believe that it could be revived, but it appears there is nothing to revive.
I made this statement in a therapy session, and my therapist told me that is bs. That is when she gave me examples of arranged marriages that never had love. Came in to see her to give it one last shot and fell madly in love with each other. Perception. It's all a matter of perception.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:54 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Absolutely it is all a matter of perception. It's a chioce one makes in their heart. So sad though when the other does not see that becuase she is so bitter. So sad.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:58 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I made this statement in a therapy session, and my therapist told me that is bs. That is when she gave me examples of arranged marriages that never had love. Came in to see her to give it one last shot and fell madly in love with each other. Perception. It's all a matter of perception.
Okay, yes, I agree. If they have the right marriage counselor and are both working diligently to try to make it work, it could happen. But she seems to have completely given up at this point.
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:13 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Okay, yes, I agree. If they have the right marriage counselor and are both working diligently to try to make it work, it could happen. But she seems to have completely given up at this point.
I know. Hope is SUCH a POWERFUL thing. If you have hope, all things are possible with the right guidance. I just don't want her to give up. If she truly married her best friend as she says, there is a way.
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:16 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Absolutely it is all a matter of perception. It's a chioce one makes in their heart. So sad though when the other does not see that becuase she is so bitter. So sad.
Yes. I do believe your wife will regret her actions someday. Have you ever read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers? It is a novel based upon the book of Hosea. I just got done with it. Absolutely amazing and very uplifting for someone who is waiting for the "heart" issues in the marriage or former marriage to be healed. SSSSSSOOOOOOO encouraging.
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:58 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Yes. I do believe your wife will regret her actions someday. Have you ever read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers? It is a novel based upon the book of Hosea. I just got done with it. Absolutely amazing and very uplifting for someone who is waiting for the "heart" issues in the marriage or former marriage to be healed. SSSSSSOOOOOOO encouraging.
No I have not read it but I will read it; it sounds like something I need to read right now. Thanks.

So here is my personal view about my marriage. Unfortunely, not my wife's view. She's done! Of course in Emily's case, was there really love to begin with. Yes, the following is old hat stuff but do we really abide by it, for many of us I think not. Really sad because those words are a wonderful gift to us if we accept them unconditionally.

Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
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Old 05-10-2011, 02:32 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Ummm...Wow. Okay. I have done all that. I put my marriage first. I put it before everything. I tried and tried for 4 years. I went to counseling, individual and marriage. I've read books. I fully exhausted myself. I've cried and cried and cried. This wasn't some on the whim decision. I fully 100% believe in marriage and trying everything to work through things, but sometimes people make HUGE mistakes - in my case maybe it was just getting married too young, maybe to a man I knew deep down I didn't truly love, maybe marrying someone to please my family and his family instead of worrying about myself and who I loved. I find it extremely offensive that you are judging me on this ONE post, like I just woke up the other day and decided I didn't want to be married. Saying I have no integrity? How dare you! I'm doing everything possible to make sure he'll be okay. He deserves someone who will truly love him, not someone who married him because his family loved me or my family loved him. I fully accept the consequences of my actions and am trying to make the best of a shi**y situation. And don't tell me to get my priorities straight. This post was after several years of being unhappy, and talking and talking and talking, of being alone, of trying, of heartbreak. Just because I didn't put the ENTIRE story out there doesn't mean there isn't more to it than the 10 lines I put.
and what does your other man thinks about your situation ?
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