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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-10-2011, 02:55 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living Together While Separated

Well said brighterlight. On the other hand, I did lose that 40 pounds. Doing p90x. Now I have a wife who is working out everyday.
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:00 PM   #32 (permalink)
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and what does your other man thinks about your situation ?
I think that was rude and uncalled for.

C
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:03 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I have a buddy of mine that did the p90x and it worked out pretty good for him. I might try it but I am more of a jogger/walker/baseball/golf type so weights are not my forte.
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:13 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Just get some resistance bands and pull up bar. It is a brutal workout regime, but it has really turned the tables. I've got my wife working very hard on her physique, and that has NEVER happened.
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:14 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Focus, guys... Remember the OP?

C
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:23 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I think that was rude and uncalled for.

C
bestplayer,

I agree with PBear. Unless you are the husband and you know something we are not aware of on this thread, your comment is uncalled for? Folks come on this forum to ask for help, seek advice, ideas, support - not to be scolded. C'mon man!
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:24 PM   #37 (permalink)
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I think that was rude and uncalled for.

C
Extremely.
__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:27 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Sorry. Emily you are more than welcome to respond. Don't feel judged. People that post on here have problems just like you. A lot of us just have a heart for it and don't want to see others pay dearly for mistakes. Let us know if you need help.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:02 PM   #39 (permalink)
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It's okay. My mind is just going a thousand directions, while circling at the same time. Thank you PBear, Dedicated2Her, Brighterlight, MGirl for "sticking up for me". There is no other man, just to clarify. It isn't a matter of wanting to be with someone else, as much as not wanting to be with my husband and that he should have someone that does love him. We have no children, although I desperately want them. I never wanted kids to be a "fix" for us. I've seen too many people do that. They're having problems, so they have a kid and things are surfacey okay and then it gets worse and now there's children involved.

The reason we never went back to counseling is that my husband didn't want to. He said we should be able to work it out on our own without someone else. But we never did. He doesn't like confrontation or talking about his feelings or mine. He isn't mean, he just gets uncomfortable with it. He just wants everything to be okay, not to have to work at it.

I should mention that he is a very natural relationship person, he's very dependant, he functions well in a relationship - one with no problems. I am not. I was raised to be a very strong independant woman, to not "need a man" to be happy. I had one small relationship at the beginning of high school (~4months) and he broke my heart. After that I realized my parents were right. I never dated anyone until my husband. His parents instantly loved me, and my parents loved him. I knew he would always treat me right and never leave me, so it made sense to marry him. I know that was wrong. For a while I thought my independance was hindering my ability to grow closer to him. I tried talking to him about it. I really cannot count how many times I waited up for him to get off work to talk. I hate crying, and I cried myself to sleep nearly every night for the first 2 years we were married. I wish I could say it does or doesn't have something to do with working different schedules, but I truly can't.

Another huge issue, is that my husband is an atheist. I am not. However, since we've been together, I have grown farther and farther away. Another reason we haven't had kids, I can't see successfully raising children in a home where one parent believes in God and another doesn't.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:20 PM   #40 (permalink)
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He doesn't like confrontation or talking about his feelings or mine. He isn't mean, he just gets uncomfortable with it. He just wants everything to be okay, not to have to work at it.
Hmmm. So, would it be fair to say that he can't handle tension? So, therefore, can't handle your emotions? Sounds like he has been "protected" by family his whole life? Gosh, it is so amazing how many relationship are impacted by the SAME things. Of course you don't love him, he is not a strong man! Now, I'm pretty hard on this kind of stuff, but if he doesn't want to put in the work............

Emily. This is his deal. If he knew his identity and who he was and was comfortable with that, he would have "strength" to face tension and embrace it which would actually HELP your 'love' problem.

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he's very dependant
Not a good quality if a man is trying to be attractive.

My advice, he needs to get his butt a good mentor or individual male therapist. In addition, you guys need marriage counseling. If he is unwilling, there is NOTHING you can do but PRAY. However, if he is that weak where he won't face his demons in order to TRY to save his marriage to the woman he loves, you definitely have a right to cry every night and walk away. He has already gone against his vows.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:23 PM   #41 (permalink)
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We never fight, part of his avoiding confrontation. If I disagree with something he says or does, he just apologizes and moves on. I know this seems good, but somehow it isn't. All the emotions that should come out, don't. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, it just doesn't seem right
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:31 PM   #42 (permalink)
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We never fight, part of his avoiding confrontation. If I disagree with something he says or does, he just apologizes and moves on. I know this seems good, but somehow it isn't. All the emotions that should come out, don't. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, it just doesn't seem right
Yep. How is his relationship with his father? Most likely, he has lost his identity as a man. He sounds like he really needs some self confidence and self worth. By not valuing himself, he has not valued you. Therefore, it is impossible for you two to "grow" together because all the deep conversation never happens because he is scared to "rock the boat" or dissapoint you. That is why I suggest individual counseling in addition to marriage. He's got to fix his issues. Did he live with family when you guys met or by himself?
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:42 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Hmmm. So, would it be fair to say that he can't handle tension? So, therefore, can't handle your emotions? Sounds like he has been "protected" by family his whole life?.
Yes. Yes. Yes. He ALWAYS chooses his family over me. I know it's a petty example, but it really gets to me every year. My birthday is right after Christmas, so naturally it always gets overlooked. It also falls on my Grandmother's birthday and my husband's career mentor's birthday. Until we moved, he would always spend the day with his mentor and leave me hanging. Now that we've moved, he'll work so that he can take time off when HIS family comes in January. I almost feel like he takes advantage of the fact that I am strong, and not whiny, but come one! It's my birthday He is very dependant on his parents. He always wants to call them whenever we have money troubles, not that they're rich, but they're 'comfortable'.

[QUOTE/]This is his deal. If he knew his identity and who he was and was comfortable with that, he would have "strength" to face tension and embrace it which would actually HELP your 'love' problem.?.[/QUOTE]




Not a good quality if a man is trying to be attractive.

My advice, he needs to get his butt a good mentor or individual male therapist. In addition, you guys need marriage counseling. If he is unwilling, there is NOTHING you can do but PRAY. However, if he is that weak where he won't face his demons in order to TRY to save his marriage to the woman he loves, you definitely have a right to cry every night and walk away. He has already gone against his vows.[/QUOTE]



I agree. Although, I don't like ultimatums. I don't think I should have to say counseling or I'm gone, especially when I've tried as much as I have and brought up counseling. I feel like he should want to save us, if there is anything to save. Maybe my standards are just too high... I feel like it's been all me this whole time, maybe that's what exhausted what love I did have...
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:46 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Yep. How is his relationship with his father? Most likely, he has lost his identity as a man. He sounds like he really needs some self confidence and self worth. By not valuing himself, he has not valued you. Therefore, it is impossible for you two to "grow" together because all the deep conversation never happens because he is scared to "rock the boat" or dissapoint you. That is why I suggest individual counseling in addition to marriage. He's got to fix his issues. Did he live with family when you guys met or by himself?
He has a good relationship with his Dad. He's very close with both of his parents. He did live with them, but only because he had recently moved back home from college. It didn't bother him living with his parents though in his late 20s. It bothered me significantly more. I completely agree with everything else you say.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:51 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Yes. Yes. Yes. He ALWAYS chooses his family over me. I know it's a petty example, but it really gets to me every year. My birthday is right after Christmas, so naturally it always gets overlooked. It also falls on my Grandmother's birthday and my husband's career mentor's birthday. Until we moved, he would always spend the day with his mentor and leave me hanging. Now that we've moved, he'll work so that he can take time off when HIS family comes in January. I almost feel like he takes advantage of the fact that I am strong, and not whiny, but come one! It's my birthday He is very dependant on his parents. He always wants to call them whenever we have money troubles, not that they're rich, but they're 'comfortable'.
I see. It is not petty, Emily. You are supposed to be his "beloved". These are BIG things that hurt attachment. You are not first in his life. It is hard to love someone in which you don't see that your are treasured as highly as others in their life.

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I agree. Although, I don't like ultimatums. I don't think I should have to say counseling or I'm gone, especially when I've tried as much as I have and brought up counseling. I feel like he should want to save us, if there is anything to save. Maybe my standards are just too high... I feel like it's been all me this whole time, maybe that's what exhausted what love I did have...
I know. I hate them. My wife hates them. BUT, sometimes people don't get it until life smack them in the face. If you don't speak your mind to him, you both lose. Tell him about how you have cried over this. Tell him how these things hurt you and you are considering leaving. He needs a wake up call. He needs to be a whole individual so you two can work on this. I'm sure this relationship has had effects on you too that you can't see, but will be visible to a professional.

Quote:
He has a good relationship with his Dad. He's very close with both of his parents. He did live with them, but only because he had recently moved back home from college. It didn't bother him living with his parents though in his late 20s. It bothered me significantly more. I completely agree with everything else you say.
Yep. He is not a whole person. He never found or progressed through the stages of masculinity. Good news, is he can. I had the same problem. It has taken time, but I've found myself.

Last edited by Dedicated2Her; 05-10-2011 at 04:55 PM.
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