Living Together While Separated
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-09-2011, 03:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Living Together While Separated

I really want to separate from my husband. He is by no means a bad man, or abusive, or anything like that. I just don't love him anymore, maybe I never did - I'm not sure. Unfortunately, we have no extra money for one of us to move out and we live in NYC, so naturally our apartment is very small. I fully intend on going through the divorce process. So reconciliation isn't really an option, but I have learned that anything is possible.

How does this work? I almost feel like we can't really be "separated" if we're still living together, especially in a small 1 BR apartment. I thought and searched so for long and so deep inside me, I know it's done. I feel guilty when I touch him. I can't kiss him, I haven't said "I love you" in nearly a month. We work completely opposite schedules so it's very difficult finding a time to talk. I know it's going to destroy him, which is why I think it will be so much harder if we're still living in such small quarters together.

Has anyone else had a similar situation?
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Old 05-09-2011, 03:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living Together While Separated

How long have you been married?
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Old 05-09-2011, 03:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living Together While Separated

So what are you planning on doing when you "really" separate? Spend the next 50 years living together but not married? At some point, one of you (or both of you) will have to move out.

C
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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How long have you been married?
4 Years
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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So what are you planning on doing when you "really" separate? Spend the next 50 years living together but not married? At some point, one of you (or both of you) will have to move out.

C
I have no idea. I drastically reduced what I was putting into my 401k to give us a little cushion. I don't want to stay married just because we can't afford to pay 2 rents right now.
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I have no idea. I drastically reduced what I was putting into my 401k to give us a little cushion. I don't want to stay married just because we can't afford to pay 2 rents right now.
I can appreciate that... But at some point, you're going to have to have an answer to that question. So start looking for a room-mate or a new location to live in, I guess... Announcing you want a separation without actually separating and being confined to a small space just seems cruel to everyone.

Can I ask, though? I've always heard how expensive it is to live in NYC. How much does a 1 bdrm appt cost there? Just ball-park... I don't want to know your financial deets!

C
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Announcing you want a separation without actually separating and being confined to a small space just seems cruel to everyone.
Agreed. Especially when you've said that he is very much in love with you.

Quick question. I know you said in your other thread that you knew you didn't love him when you married him. Was there never any excitement, any passion, any joy from being with him?
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I can appreciate that... But at some point, you're going to have to have an answer to that question. So start looking for a room-mate or a new location to live in, I guess... Announcing you want a separation without actually separating and being confined to a small space just seems cruel to everyone.

Can I ask, though? I've always heard how expensive it is to live in NYC. How much does a 1 bdrm appt cost there? Just ball-park... I don't want to know your financial deets!

C
So should I find a place to live, and then tell him? What if he doesn't want to be in our apartment with all of our things and pictures? Or what if he wants to move back home (we moved here from Illinois)?

It is ridiculously expensive here, it depends where you live, amenities, etc.. and how long of a commute you can deal with. It's about $1400-2500
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Agreed. Especially when you've said that he is very much in love with you.

Quick question. I know you said in your other thread that you knew you didn't love him when you married him. Was there never any excitement, any passion, any joy from being with him?

We have fun together. He's definitely taught me a lot. But I don't ever remember passion, or thinking of him and smiling, or checking my phone to see if he called. I started working for his father about 6 months into dating him. It just got really awkward from there. It was a very small company, everyone there knew my husband from the day he was born. I'd do a thousand things differently if I could...
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living Together While Separated

My thought... You should have a plan, at the very least. Some options (what would you do if he wants to leave the apartment, what would you do if he wants you to leave). For example, a friend you can move in with, even if it's onto a couch temporarily. And because your name is on the apartment lease (I'm assuming) you're still as responsible for that as he is, so keep that in mind. As in, if he decides to head back home, then both of you are on the hook for the lease penalties, if any.

I guess I'm just saying to be aware that you're the one pushing this decision onto him, and you're not (it seems) willing to try to work through things while still at home. He's likely to be blind-sided by this, no matter how aware he is of there being a problem with your relationship. Because you're driving, then it seems like it must be your responsibility to have at least a semblence of a plan BEFORE taking a wrecking ball to your lives.

I'm the one that initiated our separation. Prior to doing that, I crunched numbers for several months to make sure that we could work through things financially. I'm the primary income provideder; actually, right now I'm the ONLY income provider. But because I still care about my wife and kids, I took it as my responsibility to have a plan to make sure we were provided for as best I could. It hasn't worked out the way I had in mind (she was supposed to go back to work 2 months ago, and hasn't yet), but we're making do and getting by. So I can appreciate your concerns.

In my case, I'm living in a friend's basement suite that's about the size of some hotel rooms I've stayed in; one large room with bed, desk, "entertainment" area, and shared kitchen and laundry facilities. It's "cozy", it's not really suitable for having the kids come over for any extended visits, but it's MY place and a springboard for my future. And it's relatively cheap ($700/month), so it fits in our joint budget. At some point soon, I'm going to have to start pushing for my stbx-wife to become more self-sufficient.

C
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks. I only really started thinking about around 6 weeks ago. I just decreased my 401k last week, that's really the only extra income I could find for us. I do care about him and want to make sure he'll be okay. I'm also the primary income provider, and I have no intention of "screwing him over". I fully intend to pay off our debt, and help him get on his feet. We have no children, only a couple pets. I don't mind waiting to separate, I just feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like that is more cruel than the actual separation will be.
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Old 05-10-2011, 07:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living Together While Separated

Mmmm, I would suspect he'd disagree about living the lie being more cruel than the actual separation... It's good of you to be concerned about how you'll both make ends meet after. Come up with any ideas of how you'll make things work after? What do other people in your situation do in NYC?

For me, having the room-mate thing hasn't been too bad, although it's taken some getting used to. Mine isn't home very often at all, so I only see him about once a week. Kinda strange, actually...

C
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Old 05-10-2011, 09:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Not to be a jerk, BUT, what in the world are you thinking? Did you make vows? Did you make a covenant to love this man for the rest of your life? Well, if you did, you might want to have just a tiny bit of integrity here. You need to get into marriage counseling as soon as possible and at least try. You said you guys work alternate shift so it is hard to talk. OF COURSE YOU DON"T "FEEL" IN LOVE WITH HIM. You are not getting your emotional needs met. This is your priority: "Your marriage comes before your job, money, etc." Get your priorities straight, and maybe, just maybe, you find something that was there all along.

My wife hasn't said "I love you" in three months. Before that, it was 4 months. She says she has no "love" feelings for me anymore. However, you get your butt in counseling and try. If it doesn't end up working out, FINE. But, at least, be honest with him and yourself and work TOGETHER on this problem.
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Old 05-10-2011, 09:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Not to be a jerk, BUT, what in the world are you thinking? Did you make vows? Did you make a covenant to love this man for the rest of your life? Well, if you did, you might want to have just a tiny bit of integrity here. You need to get into marriage counseling as soon as possible and at least try. You said you guys work alternate shift so it is hard to talk. OF COURSE YOU DON"T "FEEL" IN LOVE WITH HIM. You are not getting your emotional needs met. This is your priority: "Your marriage comes before your job, money, etc." Get your priorities straight, and maybe, just maybe, you find something that was there all along.

My wife hasn't said "I love you" in three months. Before that, it was 4 months. She says she has no "love" feelings for me anymore. However, you get your butt in counseling and try. If it doesn't end up working out, FINE. But, at least, be honest with him and yourself and work TOGETHER on this problem.
Ummm...Wow. Okay. I have done all that. I put my marriage first. I put it before everything. I tried and tried for 4 years. I went to counseling, individual and marriage. I've read books. I fully exhausted myself. I've cried and cried and cried. This wasn't some on the whim decision. I fully 100% believe in marriage and trying everything to work through things, but sometimes people make HUGE mistakes - in my case maybe it was just getting married too young, maybe to a man I knew deep down I didn't truly love, maybe marrying someone to please my family and his family instead of worrying about myself and who I loved. I find it extremely offensive that you are judging me on this ONE post, like I just woke up the other day and decided I didn't want to be married. Saying I have no integrity? How dare you! I'm doing everything possible to make sure he'll be okay. He deserves someone who will truly love him, not someone who married him because his family loved me or my family loved him. I fully accept the consequences of my actions and am trying to make the best of a shi**y situation. And don't tell me to get my priorities straight. This post was after several years of being unhappy, and talking and talking and talking, of being alone, of trying, of heartbreak. Just because I didn't put the ENTIRE story out there doesn't mean there isn't more to it than the 10 lines I put.
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Perhaps you should put more details if you want advice on a message board in the future. It's not judging. It called a wake up call based upon the information that you put out there. When you put stuff like you did, you make is sound as though he KNOWS NOTHING about your feelings.

Quote:
I know it's going to destroy him, which is why I think it will be so much harder if we're still living in such small quarters together.
THIS puts out the vibe that you have NOT been to marriage counseling. If you have been to as much as you say, it will not destroy him. He SHOULD know it is coming.

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I'm doing everything possible to make sure he'll be okay.
Problem is. You won't be ok. Something down deep inside you needs healing. Seperation is not going to change that or divorce.
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