Wife say she doesn't love me......

Spursdaz1 · 05-10-2011, 12:23 PM

Typing this is a first for me so please be patient as I have never been in a forum before and never opened up like this.

After 22 years of marriage, my wife has announced that she wants to seperate as she no longer loves me. This has left me completely heartbroken as I always considered we had this massive bond of love that would never be broken?

She says that over the past 12 months she has just grown out of love with me. I have asked for time to talk this through as I cannot make sense or understand how or why this has happened. I work hard within the home to help with all of the mundane day to day chores. I tell my wife daily that I love her and always thought she loved me? But she remains adamant that it is simply over.

Apologies for how this is coming out. I have a million words to type and am making a jumbled mess of this.........

She has said there is no one else and I firmly believe her, but this whole episode is eating away at me so much that I now feel constantly sick, don't want to eat, feel like I am in a black hole and being buried........bascically feeling that a part of me is dying each day. My normal train of thought is confused and I keep sucking myself into thoughts of her with different men and letting those thoughts eat away at me. I have never been good at opening up to my wife, but sincethis has happened I have tried to explain how I feel inside, that I can't cope without her and that I need to talk and talk and talk. Although she listens she remains adamant that there is little point to this as its over.

Can anyone offer me some advice, a shread of hope or a lifeline out of this mess? I have never been so desperate in my life to make this right. Please help me

Amplexor · 05-10-2011, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spursdaz1

that I can't cope without her and that I need to talk and talk and talk. Although she listens she remains adamant that there is little point to this as its over.

Move out of this mode immediately. Spilling your guts, begging or falling apart emotionally is the last thing she needs to see. It will push her further away.

While you may not want to hear it or admit it, there is a high likelihood there is someone else. Physically, emotionally or both. The pattern here is pretty common. It is also possible she has simply disconnected from you.

Why does she say she is leaving? Do you have specifics?

Spursdaz1 · 05-10-2011, 12:49 PM

But I feel if i don't "spill my guts etc" she with think I have given up and accepted its simply over?

With regards to leaving, she simply says there is no love there to stay for and it is gone forever.

She swears there is no one else and I do believe her. It's just difficult to overcome dark thoughts when you wake 17 times in the night (i did actually count each one) and then get up a 4.30am

What do you mean by disconnected?

Amplexor · 05-10-2011, 12:59 PM

If you've spilled your guts be done with it and move forward. Scratching an old scab over and over won't accomplish anything. If something has been discussed, don't bring it up again unless there is something new to add. You can let her know you are willing to work at the marriage and not give up without sniveling. That's the last thing she wants to see. She needs to see you have what it takes to turn this around and nothing will show her that more than carrying yourself with confidence. If you are an emotional wreck, she'll doubt you have the stones to do this. She needs a partner in this, not dead weight.

Have you put a plan together? Counseling, any behavior changes,...?

Disconnected = Emotionally dead.

Spursdaz1 · 05-10-2011, 01:05 PM

Regarding a plan...I don't no where to start because I dont know what has caused this. W wont really talk so its hard to understand. She doesnt want counselling as she just says its over.
How can I show her I have what it takes to turn this around when she has no interest in turning it?

Amplexor · 05-10-2011, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spursdaz1

I don't no where to start because I dont know what has caused this. W wont really talk so its hard to understand.

Throw the BS flag here. Tell her even if she thinks it's over you deserve an answer. If she's going to walk out on a 22 year marriage she owes it to you to tell you why. Don't beg for an answer, tell her you require it. You have to get to a starting point before you can start.

scdmack · 05-10-2011, 01:34 PM

I'm willing to bet there's someone else. Either an EA or PA. Can you check her txts? Facebook account? How about phone records?

brighterlight · 05-10-2011, 04:42 PM

Man, you guys are like Ann Landers. Geez. I got nothing to add for spurz...

Anthony, I was never crying or sniveling, when she told me she wanted out, I was calm as could be and simply said in a soft but firm tone - "OK, what is it that you really want? Is this really how you feel? I don't want this, I still love you and this will do significant damage to our families and our children. If this is really what you want, then I will not stop you, but know this - this will be harder for everybody than you think. Is there nothing else that can be done to save our marriage? You don't just throw away 36 years of your life." period the end.

Now here is where I failed MISERABLY, when she had her EA/PA 10 years ago I did not try to fight and stop her. She was betraying me and it KILLED me, and I was brutal on both of us by telling her to go right ahead and go "f*&ck" this guy. She did and she resents me for it. She feels like I did not care for her enough to not allow this happen. It's something I have to live with for the rest of my life, it can't be undone but in the heat of the situation, her affair, I lost it. I would have NEVER done that to her. She took a piece of my heart and my trust back then and I repaid her by selling our love out to this OM. I wish I could take it all back but it's too late.

I am comvinced this is where our serious problems started. Anthony8858, you handled it right by confronting the OM. I cowarded behind my vindictiveness and spite for what she had done by pushing her to the OM and at the same time I wished I was dead because I pushed her off to have a PA with this OM and she went and did it. I failed and God will judge me on that. We both failed miserably there. I wish I would have had this forum back then and that I would have had the wisdom to see things differently.

the guy · 05-10-2011, 06:45 PM

Chicks want what they can't have so stop giving your self to her.

She'll get tired of the OM or she'll start to worry about lossing you forever when you stop being around.

She may all ready be to far gone...either way move on and see if she follows.