She says she loves someone else what to do
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default She says she loves someone else what to do

My wife of 9 yrs told me that she has fallen for someone else. This person is online and they have talked on the phone. We are attending marriage counseling but she still doesn't know if she wants to work on this marriage or just leave. we have two wonderful children that we both love very much. I do love my wife and I would love for this to work out but she still reads his text messages if I send her any she thinks I'm bothering her. Should I tell her to leave so I can get on with my life or should I wait around to she if she ever comes back around to loving me? She will not let this person go I don't know why? I'm doing everything that I can just to hold it together.
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Old 10-07-2008, 11:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she loves someone else what to do

WHat was the root for her looking elsewhere? How was your communication? How was your affection?

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Old 10-07-2008, 12:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yea, a lack of communication. She also doesn't seem to trust me even though I've never cheated on her before. I know that I'm to blame for a lot of things here but I don't know what to do now that the cats out of the bag. I went for about 2 yrs without knowing anything was wrong I would ask and she would tell me nothing. How can you work on something if you don't know of anythings wrong.
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Old 10-07-2008, 12:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she loves someone else what to do

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Originally Posted by Xerox1234 View Post
Yea, a lack of communication. She also doesn't seem to trust me even though I've never cheated on her before. I know that I'm to blame for a lot of things here but I don't know what to do now that the cats out of the bag. I went for about 2 yrs without knowing anything was wrong I would ask and she would tell me nothing. How can you work on something if you don't know of anythings wrong.
First most people are actually bad communicators. But, it sounds like she is more to blame here as she didn't answer a direct question then held it against you for not reading her mind. Her lack of trust however brings up an issue did you do ANYTHING to break that trust?

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Old 10-07-2008, 01:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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No. not that I know of. she has asked me in the past if I had and I told her no. I know that she has checked my phone records which I know that she found nothing because theres been nothing.
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she loves someone else what to do

I know you are hurt and confused right now. There's a great book that I recommend you read. The title of the book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It will give you many answers to the questions you are asking now. After my 22 year marriage unraveled this year, I read the book. It made everything seem so much clearer and also offered hope.

Hang in there!
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Old 10-08-2008, 12:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I recommend watching the movie: "Fireproof" with her. It just came out. Take her to the movies. MUST MUST see. My marriage counselor gave it to us as 'homework'.

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Old 10-08-2008, 11:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Our counselor told us to go and watch it as well but when I asked her out she said no. Oh well, I know that she's only hanging around for the kids at the moment but who knows how long that will last.
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Old 10-08-2008, 11:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
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What kind of hope did your book give you??
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Old 10-08-2008, 12:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: She says she loves someone else what to do

Someone has done a nice review of "The Five Love Languages" in the book review section of this forum.

The book gave me hope because I saw where we went wrong in our marriage. Once I understood which "Language" my husband had to have to feel love, I began to focus on doing those things. While we are still separated, we get along a lot better now. This book will provide you with plenty of guidance--even when the spouse chooses not to participate. There are things YOU can do without her participation.

Now on the cheating aspect of your problem, the book will help you understand WHY your wife cheated. It's ususally to fill an emptiness.

I think at this point you are probably still shocked an confused and may not know what to do. Part of you wants to save your marriage and the other part wants to end it because of the ultimate betrayl. Your course of action will depend on the path you choose. Just remember there is still hope--she hasn't filed for divorce yet.
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Old 10-08-2008, 02:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks, Yea your right she hasn't filed as of yet. I'm trying to look at the positive side of things. There are some things that I've changed about myself that she has told me about it's going to take some time but it will happen. I know that she doesn't think these things will stick and she's hanging around to see if they do. I don't understand why she doesn't believe me though. I love her so much she is my soulmate there is no doubt about that. I know what I want but she doesn't at the moment. The counselor is pretty much begging her to stay.
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Old 10-08-2008, 08:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What sort of things is she wanting you to change about yourself? This could be a superficial thing with her, since she is seeing another guy. Basically he is "good" and you are "bad" in her eyes right now. In other words she sees no flaws in the other guy YET. So, before you go changing things about yourself make sure they are "real" obstacles and not just her excuses. That was a hard lesson for me to learn after my husband and I separated. Although I cried after one of our counseling sessions, I'm now laughing about it. The counselor ask each of us to present our list of each others faults. I presented my list of two or three faults with my husband first. Next me gave his list. It had eight or nine faults that were really superficial. In essences they were nothing more than excuses for leaving (& it turned into mostly a rant). I endured the nasty list down to Item #9 and I just had to laugh. Item #9--she has no self esteem. At that point I turned to the counselor and laughingly said, "With a list like his, who would have any self esteem left?" Don't go changing things about yourself unless there is truly a need.

I'll say it again; read the book. You'll understand your relationship much better.
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Old 10-09-2008, 02:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Well I do have anger issues but they have never been physical or rarely were they directed at her. It was usually stress from work and me venting about work.
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Old 10-09-2008, 07:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
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When I'm upset I usually walk away, then come back and talk about it later. I think it is so stupid to throw and break things and have to buy it back again. People can push you that you want to break something though. I don't like yelling, although I have before. I'm more of a lover than a fighter. I only fight when I really have to..like self defense.
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Old 10-09-2008, 09:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Well I dont get that angry where I throw and break things. I don't punch things either. I do raise my voice and say things that I really don't mean. Thats something that I have been learning to deal with. I don't mean to pat myself on the back but I've been doing pretty good with it. I don't like to fight either but when you SO decides that they don't want to talk about and you come back later after you have calmed down and they still don't want to talk about it, then what do you do? We had a pretty rocky marriage for the first couple of years and it seemed to only get better after that then this falls into my lap. I had no idea anything was going on she never told me anything and of course she blamed that on me and my temper. Now she doesn't think that it will stick so now I'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore stay or go if you know what I mean. I know that she is trying to let this go and if she wants this to work at all she will have to let it go or I'm gone. I'm getting to that point now.
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