Earthmother1970

Background: Met, pregnant, had baby & married within 2 years of meeting each other. Lived in a foreign country with no family support. Have since had 3 more children, and have recently moved back to my home country, although still far away from my family.

So we started a family and got married fairly quickly, and I was grateful for not having to raise a child on my own. He is a PhD City boy. I am a Country girl University drop out. He likes classical music. I am a heavy metal fan. I like the noise and bustle of lots of children. He likes quiet, serenity after a busy day...well, you kind of get the picture of a lot of differences.
Anyway, things were okay for the first few years, although it quickly became obvious that children were my responsibility. In the nearly 12 years we have been parents, I have more often than not felt like a single parent. Recently while reading a book, I read a line which said after a divorce, the parent has to take on all the responsibility for doing things like getting up in the middle of the night to deal with a sick child, and I asked myself, So how would that be any different from now? It is true that he works hard and has to travel a lot for work reasons. but he expects to come hime to a quiet tidy house and relax after his day, while there are 4 kids who are excited about seeing their daddy. I am tired of telling them to be quiet because daddy is trying to work, or daddy is listening to music, or daddy is doing this or that...and trying to distract them with other activities to keep them from getting on his nerves. In the last 12 years, I have had relatively few outside interests. I did belong to a book club, but the meeting nights always seemed to clash with plans he made, even though I had previously told him about club dates, nights out were cancelled because he would forget that I had told him about my plans and make plans of his own. Eventually, I just pretty much gave up on trying to make any individual plans. I had a vegetable plot that was a short distance away from the house and found time to work on it either by taking children with me or going over to work on it after they were in bed at night, but with my third pregnancy, I didn't see how I could do it any longer after the arrival of the baby, and when I suggested giving it up, he encouraged me to do so. He has always maintained outside interests...going out to the bar after work every Friday with workmates, choir, dinners out with friends...he even went on holiday to Paris a couple of years ago to visit friends who were living there at the time while I stayed home with the 3 kids....sigh....I'm beginning to sound like some kind of person who justs accepts being walked all over, without raising any fuss, but just privately moans about it behind his back....

So things just kind of chugged along for the first few years of marriage, and I felt relatively happy, figuring we were both adjusting to a lot of changes and growing into our roles as parents. He was trying to work his way up the professional ladder, so I tried not to bother him with too many household responsibilties ( A mistake in hindsight, perhaps?) We never really argued. He had said early on in the marriage that he couldn't be married to a woman who always argued and fought with him, and I tried to keep the peace and be supportive. I guess I thought when he got to the top of the ladder, he might allow me to get a foot on the rung by encouraging me to grow as a person?

About 5 years ago, I started to feel unhappy with the way things were, and it has just become worse. I have a sense of never doing anything properly, never living up to expectations, and just being a general disappointment. He wants a Stepford Wife, and I am more of a desperate housewife keeping up appearances in public.

I feel like I have had to fight for every single thing the children have needed or wanted. When I mentioned buying our first ever family computer about 2 years ago, he said " There are computers and free internet access at the library. Why can't you go there?" At the time I was pregnant with our 4th child. And that is just one of the examples of similiar things I have heard over the years. If there is something like a computer or bicycle or whatever that the children want, then I have had to find the means to pay for it out of the allowance he provides.

( I feel like I am making him out to be a person with no redeeming characteristics, which is adding to my guilt complex just a bit more)


Things took a really bad turn for me the Spring of 2006, when my husband wound up spending hours locked in his study. Of course I checked his computer search history and found out that he was spending the vast majority of those hours watching internet porn. But instead of bringing it up, I decided to ignore the problem for awhile ( all men watch porn, right? perfectly normal behaviour?) and hope it was just a phase he was going through. So we drifted along...him with his porn and me going on a rather massive credit fueled shopping spree ( Really wrong too, and no real excuse for ir, other than the rather inane one of buying things just made me forget about all the trouble for a little while) Needless to say, we were not having much...well, any..."intimate" relations happening during this time and the once we actually did resulted in my 4th pregnancy ( and yes, I was anxious to have another child) Things came to a head in November of that year when he was due to go on a work trip and he seemed so happy to be heading out the door.... Just a look of relief on his face.... It made me suspicious, and I'm ashamed to admit that I went searching through his home office filing cabinet looking for evidence of some sort. That's when I found a box of condoms...an open box, with 2 missing. As a couple , we had never used condoms - he always maintained that he didn't like them. I didn't even have a phone number for where he was going to be staying...had to send him an email via my mobile phone to say he needed to get in touch...then had to trail along to the library with kids in tow to write an email asking him if he was having an affair? Did he want a divorce? So I heard back from him, no he didn't want a divorce, wasn't having an affair, he was sorry and embarrassed about the porn, and had been using the condoms for masturbation purposes because he had read or heard that it felt better

The conversation continued when he got home. He apologized, Said he would stop watching porn all the time and ignoring his family. Said he would change...but... There are always but's aren't there? But he had started getting into porn because I was always tired at night and had 'let myself go' , plus he felt like his efforts were not being appreciated. Okay, I was tired...very tired...I had 3 small kids, had been suffering from Asthma so severe that I had been hospitalised twice for it and had been sleeping in the spare room for months previously because my wheezing and coughing kept him awake and disturbed his sleep. I had only recently stopped breastfeeding, I was tending to house and children. My up time began at 6:30 am , maybe 7 on a good day and ran until 10 or 11 at night, followed by disturbed sleep....hmmm...does that just sound like an excuse on my behalf for not always wearing make up and spending the day wearing chocolate stained shirts?

Sigh...sorry for the length of this post (wonder if anyone will get to the end of it...lol) but I guess 12 years worth makes for a long story... and this is only part of it so far. It is nice to vent, at least....

swedish

Hi & welcome to the forums. I'm glad you found a place to vent what you're feeling...many of us (myself included) have been there. What brings you here today? Has he stopped the porn and started paying more attention to the kids, or is he waiting for you to do something about 'letting yourself go'?

voivod

i wish i was in your husband's shoes cuz this one's easy, or should be...have you guys not seriously sat down and talked? you have mentioned quantifiable issue on both sides. you can work these out. seems like you're ok mentioning your own transgressions. sincere apologies can go a long way in these situations. shopping sprees, the money can be gotten, no worries. the porn, it stopped? no affair, good. tell him you want more help. just tell him. don't wait til it becomes a mountain.

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

Earthmother1970

We have tried to talk, and yes, I freely admit that I have made mistakes in the relationship, but I have done my best to address them. ( Perhaps I would say that? lol) Credit cards are a thing of the past for me, and I am slowly working my way towards being debt free - payments coming out of my weekly allowance. Yes, I freely and sincerely apologized for my spending sprees, even though a major portion of my credit card debt was acquired from buying things which the children required or that were necessary for the household ( Washing machine, fridge, etc.) or just to make ends meet, because the allowance was considered generous enough to cover the expenses of 4 children and myself and food for the household...and no, the kids are not spoiled with Nike footwear and designer clothing. My husband has the closet full of Armani and Gucci...the rest of us wear second hand, hand me downs, or discount clothing...but I am not a fashion freak person, and fortunately, neither are my children ( so far!)

Anyway, I probably digress...in short, the porn watching never fully stopped and then increased again, despite his promise to never watch it again, and he admitted after I first called him out on it that watching it was fairly compulsive after awhile.


Communication? Hmmm...isn't that a dirty word?

Yes, I have tried to talk to him and have recieved promises about changing behaviour, such as calling home when he is going to be late or agreeing to be home at a certain time...the man has 4 kids, he should be happy to get any free time at all? But as with the porn, the promises of change are implimented for a short period, and then there is a return to normal operating procedure.

Independent Failure

I feel for you, I really do. My situation is quite similar, except that I am not married to a doctor, and I only have 2 kids. For years, I have felt as if our family had taken the back burner in my husbands life. Up until the past year, I had never, and I mean NEVER gone out with a single friend, joined a club or anything, because he wouldnt allow it, and I was too afraid of what the consequences would be if I did.

Then I got to thinking... So what if he did get mad and leave? With all that I do in a day, it was as if I was a single mother already. Financially it might be rough, but that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So I made friends. I go out once or twice a month with them. The bit of independence that I have gotten from such a small action is amazing. I am still married, (for now ) and he has finally come to accept (he doesnt like it) that I do deserve to go out and have "adult" time once in a while. Not "mommy" time or "wife" time, just your own time to do whatever it is that makes you happy.

If he doesn't support the idea, or won't be available to take care of your children while you do that, get a babysitter. It is very important for you to take care of yourself. If you can't find that special time away from your day to day responsibilities, you may start resenting your husband, if you havent started to yet.

I am not an expert in any way, and in fact I am very new to this forum, but not having any time for yourself is probably one of the quickest ways to lose your mind when you are the glue that keeps your family stuck together.

Venting also helps keep your sanity, I have discovered. Don't bottle it up!!

Earthmother1970

I have always felt like family has been way on the backburner for him, and that he gets involved when it suits him and does his own thing when he he feels he's done his bit. Feel like a single parent? Yep, been there and have several t-shirts to prove it :-)

Start to resent?...hmm...think I may have already crossed that bridge as well...possibly having set it on fire on the way across.

ljtseng

I completely agree with Independent. It sounds like you feel like his victim.

My H is a porn addict, too. In the beginning of our relationship I'm pretty sure he didnt care about me. he was so obsessed with himself. well, that was my perspective on the matter. I just didnt know how to get what i wanted. i thought he should just give it to me because he loved me. but truly, we teach people how to treat us. And love is not something that is just known, it is something the receiver teaches the giver how to give.

One of the things that helped me the most was taking my life back again. I had become so absorbed in him and his problems, and how they were making me feel. I started reading about how to make myself happy, how to set boundaries, and how to get what i wanted from my relationship.

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Earthmother1970

I am here because it feels like the time for a divorce has arrived, but obviously the views of friends and family are generally biased in favour of tossing his a** out the door and getting on with my life. I must admit that I am inclined to agree with the friends and family, but the opinions of those who are not emotionally involved in my situation is appreciated, and here seems a good place to seek other viewpoints.

The porn never completely stopped. I was able to check his computer history for a period of time after he first said he would stop watching any of it, and sites of "interesting nature" popped up with surprising regularity. But because we had at least started having sex together again, I sort of let the porn side of things slide past on the outer regions on our relationship. His viewing increased again, however, and although I suggested that we could invest in various exciting aids and outfits, he never seemed very interested in the idea. I bought new nightwear, I told him what I liked as far as sex was concerned, I suggested we try new things, but he honestly seemed more interested in getting it on, getting it over with, and getting to sleep. However he was interested in hiring "me" a female escort for my birthday, so that " we" could have a threesome. I intially believed this was some sort of fantasy situation, even after he sat me down in front of the computer and pointed out some girls that he thought would be ideal for me. And he wanted this whole experience to happen in the house we were then living in, with our 4 children tucked up asleep in their beds. Yes, I should have just come down on him like the wrath of God for even suggesting the possibility, but I just let it slide under the table and eventually he stopped talking about it, and was away on my birthday in any case.

As for "letting myself go" well, I lost a good portion of the weight I put on during my 4 pregnancies, but will never weigh the 120 pounds I weighed when I first got pregnant...still about 20 above that, but more or less happy with the way I am now body wise...yes a bit more trimming would be good...I am still a work in progress? I actually got to the point where I found time to brush my hair and wear make up again, and tried to dress better. He would sometimes mention how so and so was so stylish, but hey, I had 3 and then 4 kids to clothe, and Prada was a bit out of my league?

I took up running, which I was doing after putting the kids to bed at night, and although I would have preferred running in the daytime, rather than by myself in the dark, it was a very useful stress relief tool. I planned on doing my first ever 10k run earlier this year, paid my race fee, and continued to train at night after the kids were tucked up in bed. The husband had a work commitment that took him out of the country for the 10 days preceeding the race, and I asked him about renting a treadmill to continue with my training at home ( No family or friends to help with childcare around, as we were living in a different city for a short period of time at that point.) He said if I had the money to pay for the rental, then he had no problem with my getting the treadmill. End of discussion, and I knew that there was no way he would give extra cash to me to cover the expense of the rental. I did not have the cash, so there was no rental, and there was no 10k run. I gave up running not too long after that.

Paying more attention to the kids? Sometimes yes, but more often no, IMHO. He recently went apple picking with us as a family, something he had never done before, and the kids enjoyed that. However I mostly feel that even when he is here, he is not really "here" He arrives home from work, and the girls are jumping all over him, because it is usually the first time they have seen him the whole day, and he spends maybe a half an hour, sometimes a bit more either chatting to them or sometimes reading to them, and then he turns on his CD player and sits in his chair for most of the evening. My 9 year old daughter asked him several times if he was coming to her cross country meets this year, and he did not turn up to a single one, although his schedule is currently fairly flexible. She asked him to walk her to school just this past Friday. He said he had a meeting, but would see if his schedule would allow him to do it sometime during the coming week....no mention of it so far this week from him, but there are 3 days left of school before the weekend? My son wanted to go to church, and my husband said he was happy to take our son to church and drop him off at the door, but was not going to attend services himself, but might go get a coffee while he waited for our son to finish attending church - our son is 11. I just feel that it is rarely a case of him wanting to participate in our childrens lives, but rather one of asking if he has to do these things. And yes, I have voiced my concerns on these matters.