sigh...

i want a divorce and feel so guilty. i dont even know how to tell my husband. we have been married for 22 years. he is an ok man now, but had many many years of drug addiction and controling behavior. im afraid of what he will do when i tell him i want a divorce. we live like strangers in the same house, and i feel very un appreiciated. our lives revolve around him and his wants and needs, im like a second class citizen. i really cany even believe ive came to the point where i want a divorce since he has controlled every aspect of my life for the last 22 years. i have no one to talk about this with because i have no friends at all. i dont even know why i feel so guilty, i just do. i know i deserve happieness, and things will be worse before they get better. I just know i cant live the rest of my life like i have been. im 43 and feel like my life is slipping away. i dont love him as a husband, but i do love him as a human being. we have no kids in the house either. i feel so bad for wanting this. how do i tell him? im scared. god i wish i wasent such a baby

ku1980rose

If you are afraid of how he will react and what he will do, maybe you need someone else there when you tell him. Do you go to marriage counseling?? If so, maybe it could happen there. If not, maybe a friend, family member, preacher. I don't know, just my thoughts! Good Luck!

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

There comes a point when you have to rescue yourself and not feel guilty about it. You cannot do your marriage any good if you're not in a good place yourself.

It’s like the whole concept airlines have of putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you attempt to assist others.

sigh...

we have never been to a counsler. he wont go.
i thought about telling him at a public place so i wouldnt have to be alone with him.

827Aug

Go to individual counseling. Let that be your first step in starting your new life. It would be easier if you mandated MC. Then you would know you gave your marriage a chance. Your conscience would be clear. And if things didn't improve, you wouldn't be alone with your husband when you told him you were checking out of the marriage.

Mom6547

If you are worried about your safety, contact your local battered women's shelter. They know how to help you plan a safe exit strategy.

grizabella

I totally agree with Mom6547. The very fact that you are afraid of telling him your intention speaks of an abusive relationship. And just what are you afraid he will do. Become physical, talk you out of it? One speaks of his response the other speaks of yours.

sigh...

well hes really controlling, has anger issues. i dont think it will b a huge surprise to him, i know he cant be happy either. we have been together since high school, and through the years have had some abusive things happen mostly due to substance abuse. hes not using drugs at this time and i did contact the womens shelter to get advice on an exit strdagy in a worse case senario. i just dont even know how to get the words to come out of my mouth that i want a divorce. ive been a diffuser of everything bad for 20 plus years. I dont want to hurt him, but i think my peace and happieness is more important also.

sigh...

sorry for miss spelled words

grizabella

Oh Sigh, if he's that controlling he will try to control you in this too. Have you spoken to a lawyer? Do you have someplace to go? Maybe you shouldn't use the "D" word yet. Tell him you want to separate so you both can work on some issues and then go. You know he'll blame you for everything, be prepared to have a thick skin, set your face and do what you must do, but have a plan. Storming off into the night won't help you. Whether or not he is hurt is not your problem at this point. If you are ready to end it then your feelings are the only ones you are responsible for. If you are the "rescuer" type like I am that is easier said than done.

brighterlight

sigh, I think grizabella has a good point. Even though he may not like it, it may be less of an anger issue if you suggest separation rather than the D word. From there you can plan what you want to do and your exit strategy. I don't think having a third party present when you break that to him is such a good idea, that might really piss him off because this is a personal issue - I mean in a private place. At a MC is a different story, that might be OK, but eventually you have to go home with him. I am opting for separation first - less of a risk of physical abuse there. Just my .02 cents worth.