I'm done, but he won't let go....
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm done, but he won't let go....

I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years, we have a 4 yr old. After years of us fighting and not feeling appreciated, I realized recently that I would be happier on my own, I don't want to worry about anyone but me & my kiddo. I finally got the nerve up to tell him. I've thought about everything...all the way down to splitting up the couch and love seat! I mentioned maybe separation - and that's not an option for him. It's either get a divorce or stay living together.
For about 3 months, I've been talking to someone I met at the grocery store. We even went as far as texting when we'd be there, just so we could shop together. He's never pushed me to be w/ him or to get a divorce. He's just been a listener for me & me for him. I would definitely consider a relationship w/ this new guy sometime down the road. I do know that he is not part of why I am unhappy w/ my marriage. I have 3 YEARS of me complaining & contemplating about my husband.
My husband says he wants to change the way he is now - he wants his family to work and he is willing to do whatever he has to for that to happen. Why does he want to change now? Now that I've hit the wall of no fixing it! Well, I feel guilty because he isn't doing the things he always "enjoyed" doing. He wants to be at home or w/ me now. He was never there for me physically or emotionally from the beginning. We got married because of pregnancy. Dumb move - don't do that!

We have an appt for a marriage counselor now. I don't even want to waste the $$ on 1 visit. Me & my H talk a lot about what's gone on and how things were messed up for a long time. Sometimes the talks are good, sometimes they are volatile. They will bounce back and forth. I'm not totally blaming him, I won't do that. But I feel that we'd be better as friends. Really. I grew up w/ parents having a NASTY divorce. I definitely don't want that for my kiddo. But I also know that everyone deserves to be happy in life - it's way too short not to be! My biggest question is can my kiddo be ok w/ her parents being divorced??
Sorry it's long - it coulda been a lot longer if I had gone into major details. Thanks for anyone's input!!
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Old 05-27-2011, 12:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Personally, I think part of the reason why you don't want to waste your money on counseling is because of the emotional affair you are having with this other man. I believe you when you say that he is not the reason you are unhappy with your marriage, but I also think that he is making leaving the marriage look enticing.

You will do whatever you want to do, but I personally feel like you should try everything you can to save your marriage, so you can at least say you gave it all you had.
This EA with the other man is clouding your judgment, and your marriage doesn't stand a chance as long as you keep communicating with him.

As for why is your husband willing to change now? That's the million dollar question. There could be many different excuses, but all that matters is he is willing to try now.

If you have even an ounce of love for your husband then I would suggest trying to make it work. If you don't, then get a divorce, but don't jump into another relationship.
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Old 05-27-2011, 01:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Your kid will be fine as long as you guys are good co-parents and don't badmouth eachother.

I agree with DG about the emotional affair. You are definitely having one. You can't work on your marriage or think clearly while you have two relationships going on. You said the other man isn't interested in anything further yet you yourself stated you would consider a relationship with him.

As for your hub: why he wants to change... only he knows that. But don't deny him his truth. The fact is he wants to change whether you are questioning why or not.

Re: counselling--you can't do MC as long as you're involved in an affair with someone else. So I wouldn't recommend it at all unless you cut the OM out of your life (and I would).

If you want a separation and he won't agree and said it's either divorce or stay together--then you don't have a choice in the matter. You will have to concede.

Good luck, either way.
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Old 05-27-2011, 01:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

First - I gaurantee you that your husband feels as abandoned as you do. When the children come along H most always take a back seat to the kiddo - isn't that how you feel. You may think not but reality is he does - ask him!

Second - Your EA with this guy. Quit it until you are no longer married if it comes to that. He is clouding your judgement - remember your H probably made you feel the same when you were first dating. This new EA will end up the same after a few years.

Work on your marriage and on being happy in it. Appreciate the things you do have and don't fixate yourself with what you are not getting now. Work on that; talk to him.

Your H is probably just burned out, like you. Try to find a way to rekindle the fire you once had. Let him know how serious you are and how unhappy you are but DO NOT insinuate that it is all him - he might get defensive. If you want to work on this, you also need to participate, he can't do it alone.

If you feel as if you are done after that, then you could work on moving on. The OM needs to go, I know it's very hard to do once you become attached to someone emotionally. Keep your son in the forefornt of your thoughts; I am sure you two have had some good times together, focus on that. Divorce is a deep void, remember that if you do find someone else, you will have a honeymoon period and then it will end so try to see the good qualities about your husband that will withstand the test of time.
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Old 05-27-2011, 01:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

I believe it is better for kids to live in a single parent home than in a home without love between the parents. It’s the lesser of two evils.

The love was gone in my home years ago, mostly on the part of my wife. We stayed together and I watched the unhappiness and withdrawal from my kids grow over those years. It was heart breaking for me as father to watch this happening to my kids. I love my wife and wanted to work hard to make our marriage better. But she fell out of love with me and chose to stay instead of leave. Classic walk-away-wife syndrome in the making.

Your husband got a wake up call and he is wide awake in his marriage for the first time in his life. That is the reason why he wants to work on his marriage now and not before.

I hindsight, I would have left years ago knowing what I know now.
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Old 05-27-2011, 01:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

thank you everyone for the input - it's all taken in w/ massive consideration. I agree that my shopping buddy is clouding my judgment. But I also don't want to say in 3 yrs "why didn't I end this sooner!?"
I have a girlfriend that's been dealing w/ a similar relationship, and she's still in it - for 2 yrs now been miserable!
Troy - I agree about the 1 parent instead of 2 w/o love.

thank you all!! this seems to be a really good forum/website. There are a lot of opinions w/ respect for the people that are asking the questions.
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Old 05-27-2011, 02:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

I did not mean to imply in my post to stay in a miserable relationship. I apologize for it appearing so. I was talking about trying to work out a truly happy relationship. If that can't be done, then no, don't stay in your marriage. I was just stating that divorce is a very hard thing to do, for everyone involved and if you can work things out, it would be worth saving your marriage. But, in your case, since it's only been 4 years, it may not be such a terrible idea to sep or D, excepting for the child involved. My situation was different, I had a lifetime of giving to lose.
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Old 05-27-2011, 02:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Have you considered that your H knows about the EA with the shopping friend and just hasn't told you he knows? When I found out about my W's EA I didn't leave on I knew for 2wks. I was devastated, hurt, angry, resentful, scared- you name it. I'm the type of person who internalizes conflict so I withdrew into myself while at the same time becoming determined to seek the help I needed to heal and improved on my faults. Before I even confronted my W I had stopped drinking completely and had seen a IC for one visit already. I wanted to show her how serious I was about making changes in myself when it came time to talk about the EA with her. Your H may know or strongly suspect but just not know how to bring it up with you.
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Old 05-28-2011, 04:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DelinquentGurl View Post
As for why is your husband willing to change now? That's the million dollar question. There could be many different excuses, but all that matters is he is willing to try now.
I'm with delinquent. Who cares how far it had to go before your husband changed. He's willing to change now! I get so tired of hearing everyone get hung up on "why are they changing now?" Well, maybe he didn't get it before. Maybe it had to come to this for him to realize his need for change. As frustrating as that might seem, who cares? If he's willing, and will actually follow through, then you should accept that he could actually make the right changes regardless of how far it had to go before he realized it. If you leave and he still realilzes his need for change then all you did was walk out on what you always wanted it to be. I guess you'd be doing his next wife a favor... The next man you get involved with will have a whole new set of problems that you'll wish could change. you'll be stepping backwards. The man you always wanted will be the previous guy who made the right changes while you were walking out... Because some guy at the grocery store made you feel like it was all worth it.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Keep telling yourselves that divorce isn't abosutely DEVASTATING for children. It is a rough world out there, it is rougher without two parents working together. You are being selfish. You husband and your child will suffer. Don't believe all the garbage written in the grocery store magazines about the divorce fantasy.
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Old 05-28-2011, 11:44 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

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Originally Posted by Locard View Post
Keep telling yourselves that divorce isn't abosutely DEVASTATING for children. It is a rough world out there, it is rougher without two parents working together. You are being selfish. You husband and your child will suffer. Don't believe all the garbage written in the grocery store magazines about the divorce fantasy.
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Locard View Post
Keep telling yourselves that divorce isn't abosutely DEVASTATING for children. It is a rough world out there, it is rougher without two parents working together. You are being selfish. You husband and your child will suffer. Don't believe all the garbage written in the grocery store magazines about the divorce fantasy.
Ditto. My wayward wife is starting to find this out. She filed six months ago and is now having a difficult time financially. I believe she thought it would make her life easier. That's not the reality. Our daughter is also suffering, too. Maybe not so much emotionally (at least right now) but in other ways. It is a fantasy to think that divorce makes things better.

Our problems, like many other, are fixable and it would seem that it would be much easier to work on the marriage than to get a divorce.
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

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Originally Posted by marksaysay View Post
Our problems, like many other, are fixable and it would seem that it would be much easier to work on the marriage than to get a divorce.
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Very true but waywards don't think this way
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DelinquentGurl View Post
Personally, I think part of the reason why you don't want to waste your money on counseling is because of the emotional affair you are having with this other man. I believe you when you say that he is not the reason you are unhappy with your marriage, but I also think that he is making leaving the marriage look enticing.

You will do whatever you want to do, but I personally feel like you should try everything you can to save your marriage, so you can at least say you gave it all you had.
This EA with the other man is clouding your judgment, and your marriage doesn't stand a chance as long as you keep communicating with him.

As for why is your husband willing to change now? That's the million dollar question. There could be many different excuses, but all that matters is he is willing to try now.

If you have even an ounce of love for your husband then I would suggest trying to make it work. If you don't, then get a divorce, but don't jump into another relationship.
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Good stuff.
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm done, but he won't let go....

Quote:
Originally Posted by brighterlight View Post
First - I gaurantee you that your husband feels as abandoned as you do. When the children come along H most always take a back seat to the kiddo - isn't that how you feel. You may think not but reality is he does - ask him!

Second - Your EA with this guy. Quit it until you are no longer married if it comes to that. He is clouding your judgement - remember your H probably made you feel the same when you were first dating. This new EA will end up the same after a few years.

Work on your marriage and on being happy in it. Appreciate the things you do have and don't fixate yourself with what you are not getting now. Work on that; talk to him.

Your H is probably just burned out, like you. Try to find a way to rekindle the fire you once had. Let him know how serious you are and how unhappy you are but DO NOT insinuate that it is all him - he might get defensive. If you want to work on this, you also need to participate, he can't do it alone.

If you feel as if you are done after that, then you could work on moving on. The OM needs to go, I know it's very hard to do once you become attached to someone emotionally. Keep your son in the forefornt of your thoughts; I am sure you two have had some good times together, focus on that. Divorce is a deep void, remember that if you do find someone else, you will have a honeymoon period and then it will end so try to see the good qualities about your husband that will withstand the test of time.
All very wise indeed.
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