girltrax101

My title was obviously sarcastic. I did in fact go back home to burry my dad, he passed away 4 months ago, but we had a spring internment. Once my dad was placed in the ground, my mind raced to the fact that my husband asked me to leave a month ago....it was as if I was at the cemetary grieving for him. My entire weekend back home was spent in tears. I drove through town knowing I'd be back there permanantly July 1st, and begining my life on my own without my husband. I come from a huge family, however there was only a handful of ppl at the "celebration of my dad's life" party back at my mom's that know my husband has asked my daughter and I to leave. The other's simply thought I was breaking down because of my dad's service. I didn't want to speak up, as I wanted Saturday to be only about my dad's life...not mine. What a heart-breaking weekend.
When I returned back "home" here, my husband asked me how things went. I simply said it was as if I had to lay him to rest as well, so it was really, really hard. He answered "oh"...and walked away.
He really hasn't talked much in the last month, he's been kind and attentive though. He's been doing anything and everything for me, he's doing all the little things he never did before, that I would ask him to. I'm assuming it's all being done out of guilt, as he's gotta see that I didn't do anything that would warrant us breaking up...he simply doesn't love me anymore and is using his son's temper tantrum as a way out. That's fine. I get it. I just still think it's wrong.
I spent Sunday at my husbands Aunt's house after returning from this heartbreaking weekend with my husbands cousin. His Aunt asked me if she thought it would help if they tried to talk to my husband and see if he'd change his mind. She's a very kind woman and today I'm glad she asked me that because it really got me thinking last night...which brings me to why I'm telling you all this going through separation/divorce today....
I felt nothing but pathetic hearing my mom say "he could still change his mind...then having my husbands Aunt wanting to change his mind too".....
I am worth so much more than wanting to stay with a man who "may change his mind". I am worth so much more than having a man make me believe we had a great life and a wonderful future to look forward to for the last 6yrs. Why would I want this man, my husband to now quickly change his mind? The answer....I don't. I got all caught up in the drama of losing my marriage and my life, that I didn't realize just how poorly I was being treated by my husband. I seem to have forgotten that before I trusted this man, I was independent, strong, smart....capable. Funny how people can make you forget such fine qualities and that it takes heartbreak to make you find them again. There truly is a positive in all this afterall...I just had to open my eyes.

DelinquentGurl

What a great post.

First, I apologize for the loss of your father. I have not lost my parents yet and I don't want to even think about it. I am so sorry.

To throw marital problems on top of it, I can only imagine how you feel.

I am kind of at that point as well. Why would I want to be with a man who doesn't know if he wants to be with me?
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hesnothappy

I would like to offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your father, been there and done that. But I truly want to say THANK YOU! this post is just what I needed to read and remind myself of. It's the turth that you are writing, not only of yourself but for many of us, and I am one. I am too good to be sitting around crying my eyes out wondering and constantly hoping that he will come back. I was wonderful before I met him, and after meeting I made his life better...not vis versa. He has nothing I need. The man I fell in love with and married was not the same one who left me while I was at work....in spirit that is. I am through with the feeling sorry for myself and the thought of losing a marriage I truly loved. It takes two to make is work and he did not want it any more. I am so glad I came in this sction ( I usualy don't) and saw the revelation you had for you and me ;o)

827Aug

So sorry for your loss. Thank you for the great reminder for those of us going through separation and divorce. Really! Why would we want to even think about reconciliation with someone who doesn't want us around. It took me several years to figure that one out.

girltrax101

Thanks!!! I'm so glad my thoughts finally helped someone else, as I've been feeling as if it's all of you who are helping me!! This is a great site!
Delinquent: yeah, losing a parent is much harder than I ever imagined...before my husband asked us to leave, I thought it was the hardest pain I've ever felt...of course now, this pain is much worse/different. HesNot...glad you dropped by this section..it's been the one "constant" I keep coming to daily to find answers/questions and revelations!! 827 and to all of us in this thing called seperation/divorce....we're good people, even if the one we loved the most doesn't see it.. We've got family, friends and strangers from afar to help us get through this journey and remind us that we're not alone...Chin up, Chest out ladies!

staircase

I'm sorry about your dad, it's been 7 years since my mom passed. I know the "maybe he'll come back.." thing. Well GEE if you have to think about it, no thanks.

onepotatotwo

I'm sorry about your loss too...There's no way to understand the loss of a parent until god forbid, you go through it yourself...heartbreaking.

I really really relate to your post because it sounds like my life...I alone go and handle the messy, bad things...and H will show up for a party or two on occasion, but overall I get the bad stuff as my job. Not only do you feel alone and without support, it compounds whatever problem because you *feel* the loneliness and emptiness of a bad marriage that doesn't provide any support.

I can't offer any advice because I am in a similar situation. I'm going to work on doing things and being someone I'm proud of instead of worrying so much *if* my husband is going to choose me and choose to honor our marriage. It's hard and I struggle everyday.

I agree...you're worth more than waiting for some man to decide if he wants you or not. It's hard though to love yourself when you feel so lonely and are lacking that support that only a husband can provide.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. {hugs}

CalmMarian

I feel for all you ladies. Tough losses!

I have been where you are with your husband. Someone asked me in the midst of it, "if you could wave a magic wand and fix it all where would you want your life to be in a year"?

It was an amazing process to sit down and just write a response to that question. She advized me to not imagine a specific person (ie my husband) but a supportive partner who loved me and treated me the way I wanted to be treated.

It helped me keep persepective on who I wanted as I went through the process of leaving then being invited back. I was SHOCKED when he invited me back.

I have a friend who went through the same thing. I invited her to do the same exercise. She ended up getting divorced but when she remarried (a year later) it was to the type of man she had dreamed about.

I'd love to see all of you do this exercise here. Let us know what type of relationship you would love to be in if you had a magic wand (regardless of if it's the person you are with now).

Marian

hesnothappy

If I could wave a wand and be in a good relationship, I would be with someone who handle his business all the time, who was gainfully employed, made me laugh, think and feel good. Someone tall, and attractive, likes to do nice things, has his personal space under control, loves his family and mine, likes to travel, go to movies, concerts, take drives along the coast, someone who loves being with me. Most of these that lying bastid I married used to do or be ;o)