Hello everyone, I'm new here, and I'll try to spare you a zillion details. I'm 26 years old, got married at the young age of 22 at a time when I wasn't even graduated from college yet. I, at the time, was more excited about the big pretty dress I got to wear and the big sparkly ring, and all the "white picket fence" ideals that I really didn't take the whole concept of marriage seriously. Well I married a man who, since he was young, has put his heart and soul and all he's ever wanted into his family farm. And yes, I know, I knew he was a farmer when I married him, TRUST ME I wanna punch the next person that says that to me!! However, as I said before, when I got married I was young and naive believing that a life on a farm without any chance in hell of going anywhere else EVER would be the life I wanted. Plus, he's the guy everyone loves. There's a huge part of me that believes I only married him because I wanted the big fancy wedding and that I felt pressure from everyone else in my life thinking "why WOULDN'T you want to marry him??"
So here I am, 4 years later. I work as an RN which allows me the freedom to basically work anywhere. Which I have exhausted all of my options in the small town we live near. There's always been this lingering desire to go somewhere else and do something else!! I never really had that shot as I met my husband just before I moved off to college and dated him throughout and married before I even graduated.
I've always questioned my feelings for him as I've never felt that "spark" of being in love with him. And I know I've been in love before so I know what it feels like. There were several instances while we were dating where I felt like there was something missing. Like my heart was trying to tell me something. I like to describe it as when someone starts dating someone and they say "I really like him, I just don't like him LIKE THAT". You know what I'm talking about.....
But he was very much in love with me from the start (or so he says) and was willing to do anything to keep me from leaving him. I tried a few times to break up with him while we were dating but I always got the "I'll help you through this" blah blah blah. He's never been very good at communicating his feelings which makes me CRAZY and he's very good at blaming himself for absolutely everything that is wrong with the world.
So back to the here and now.... Since this past spring, I've been seriously questioning my commitment to this marriage. I've stayed in it simply to please everyone else in my life. We get along great, but that's about it. I've found myself entirely unattracted to him and not wanting to spend time with him. I hate it and I wish it was different. I seriously have found myself thinking how much easier this would be if he would just cheat on me or hit me or something. Then I'd have a good, solid, socially acceptable reason for leaving. I feel like theres this stigma about people who say they're unhappy in their marriage or say they "fall out of love". Well I'm afraid I'm in that boat and all it's doing is destroying things more. I find myself putting on a happy face to everyone, including him. But I don't even want to be close to him anymore. I have absolutely no feelings, what so ever. The thought of him with another woman? In no way does that bother me in the least bit!! And that may sound crazy but it's true!
In the mean time..... I've met someone else. A man that I KNOW I'm in love with. I feel things for him that I've never, ever felt for even my husband back when we first started dating. I have found everything I want and need in this other man. We are both the same age with similar situations. He, too, married young and found himself out of love with his wife. He and his wife are about final with their divorce, the only thing that's taking longer is the fact that they have 2 kids together and are trying their best to figure out custody, etc, etc, etc. Anyways, it's basically 2 lonely people (the other man and myself) who have found everything they are looking for in each other. We've spent tons of time together and I of course have lied my way through much of the past few months. My husband has always been extremely, overly trusting of me, which has caused me feelings of resentment in a way that I think a little jealousy is healthy. Absolutely none can make you feel like you don't matter. But then again, there's nothing he could do to make me jealous either. But with this other man, I have found myself feeling not one ounce of guilt towards my husband. NONE what so ever. Is that not a giant red flag....??
So now I'm left with the, what to do next..... I feel my mind is made up and my heart has chosen which man I want to be with. I really just want to cut my losses with my husband, separate, move out, and divorce. I have talked to my husband about my lack of feelings for him (as far as I know he knows nothing about the other man) and he wants to try to fix things. I'm convinced there's no fixing the fact that I'm not in love with him and I'm really not sure if I ever was. I just need the support to just get up and move on.
I should also mention that we have no kids and no major purchases together. We don't even have a joint checking or savings account. My name is on all of the farm stuff but I seriously truly and honestly do not want a single dime from him. I really just want to cut everything, let him keep whats his and I'll keep whats mine. Period.
Has anyone shared or is sharing this experience? Any advice would be GREAT!! And if you're still reading all this, thanks for hanging in there!
Decide that your going to get a divorce and go see a lawyer. Or. Cut your new guy loose and focus on your marriage.
When did you meet your new guy - in the spring? If so it could explain a lot of why your feelings about wanting to leave have gotten so much stronger. You have a "fall back" guy now - you won't have to be alone.
I've been in your shoes (kind of) and it never turns out good, the lying and going behind his back. It will be less hurtful to you, him, your families etc. if do only one of the two things I listed. If you decide to get divorced then don't mention the new guy and stay away from him til the divorce is final - it will only pass the pain around. If you decide to work on your marriage, get to counseling ASAP and you will have to come clean about your new guy - trying to fix your marriage needs full commitment and full disclosure.
But you can't live in this in between - its not doing anyone any good.
Last edited by TNgirl232; 10-14-2008 at 09:46 PM.
Reason: Forgot something important :)
I think its sad for your H that your doing all this behind his back. I know you dont feel any guilt now. maybe you never will. but im guessing the other man (TOM) knows you are cheating. So, that'll bring suspicion in your relationship. I dont think your relationship with TOM is as simple as it feels at the moment.
Certainly if you are completely void of feeling in your marriage, and there are no kids involved, just move on. You're young and im guessing your H is young, so the sooner you leave the sooner your H can find someone who deserves him.
I am going to come at this a different way. I think you are lying to us and to yourself. Your cheating is exciting now where your mundane life seems boring. You didn't just meet your TOM you were looking for an excuse.
Either come clean with your husband and move on thinking the grass will be cleaner. Or put all your time and energy into your marriage.
Just realize if your real reason for wanting to leave is to have the freedom to move around from city to city, state to state, it will most likely not happen with the other man...he has 2 children and will most likely live near them to share visitation. Would you still leave your husband if the other man is not in the picture? What if things go south with him? Will you still be happy on your own? Jumping from a marriage into another relationship that started as infidelity seldom lasts, even when everything seems perfect now there are always bumps in the road.
Just realize if your real reason for wanting to leave is to have the freedom to move around from city to city, state to state, it will most likely not happen with the other man...he has 2 children and will most likely live near them to share visitation. Would you still leave your husband if the other man is not in the picture? What if things go south with him? Will you still be happy on your own? Jumping from a marriage into another relationship that started as infidelity seldom lasts, even when everything seems perfect now there are always bumps in the road.
Thanks everyone for your advice. It was basically everything that I expected to hear. I know I cannot live in the "in between" anymore.
To be honest, I have felt this way for a very long time. The other man has not been in the picture long but he has made me realize just how void of feelings I am towards my husband. I'm not sure if any of you completely understand what it is like to be married to someone who doesn't just have a job but has a "lifestyle". His farm is his life and I've always felt in 2nd or even 3rd place, all the time, no matter what. Work is always first. After dealing with that for this long, I feel it has really pushed me away from my husband. It has made me very bitter as well. I've talked to him about this several times during our marriage and nothing has ever changed. Now that I've made mention of wanting to leave, he wants to "try to work on things". But this is something that he would literally need to decide on a completely different lifestyle as it is something I can't deal with anymore. And I certainly would never, EVER ask him to do that nor would he. He loves what he does and there's nothing I would ever try to do to change that.
My mom found herself in a very similar situation at my age where she had married a man who was also a farmer and she found the life she wanted did not mesh with the lifestyle of a farmer. It's something she wasn't prepared for and neither was I at such a young age.
Again, I appreciate everyone's advice. Please share any other thoughts you may have.
The feelings you feel for the other guy are clouded , meaning , you do not have an everyday life relationship with him . You dont have to worry about bills ,stress of having to deal with all the things married couples have to deal with . Its easy to have fun with someone that you dont have to live with . This guy can escape all his everyday worries with you too , doesnt have to deal with reality ..
You think your happy with the other guy and you probably do see him as someone you could be happy with . But if you leave your husband for this guy everyday stresses will catch up with you and him and all of a sudden hes not as perfect as he was when you 2 were living in fantasy land ... And as said before , your relationship will have started by the very thing that destroyed your first marriage "infidelity " and in the back of both of your minds you will have doubts about if they will do the same thing with someone else .
My advice to you ,,if your not happy ,,,either work on your marriage to make it better or divorce and take the chance of being alone
CRazylady 36
I was in your situation: never really been in love with hubby - only in lust at the start (I was 16 when we moved in together and had a baby) Life was OK, I made do with what I had - he would give me anything, take me on holidays, etc but was never romantic in anyway, never even sent any nice texts, we have not very much in common - if we went out as a couple we had to get really drunk to have fun.........BUT he was secure, dependable and would never break my heart.
Anyway I started an emotional affair and this guy made me feel thing I had never felt, we went on a date and only kissed but I had already fallen for him - I see him everyday at work and we have such a "connection" it is unbelievable. He has always insisted we are "only friends, maybe a little more?" I have tried to push him but it scares him away.
Anyway I couldn't lie to hubby any more and could not let go of the new guy so we are now divorcing - he moved out yesterday!
Problem is my life now feels like it isn't mine? I'm going out alot but guys just wana have sex - which I refuse because I respect myself too much! I have never been alone so don't know what to do? The thought of being with my hubby or another 10 years were so miseable but the thought of being alone is just as bad? My "friend" still texts all the time and we continue to flirt at work but this is really killing me as I want so much more!
Anyway what I am trying to say (from experience) is the main reason you are finally considering leaving your hubby IS because of this other guy (I tried to tell myself it wasn't too) and you need to make sure what you have with him will turn out as you want it to or you could be leaving a really good guy for nothing?
I rushed and thought my mind was 100% and now I am so confused! Originally there was no way I wanted to try with hubby - we had been through so many bad times I just wanted to move on, and sex with him hasn't meant anything to me for years which just set my mind even more! Anyway no I'm thinking maybe if I had let him try he could have changed my feelings for him?........I will never know as he actually hates me now - so I'm gona get on with being single for a while to see if I can sort out what exactly I am looking for..........bet I never find it!
I do hope you're not one of those women who make their husband stay celibate (while he waits for you) thinking their wife has just temporarily gone of sex, while meanwhile you have the thrill of a lifetime, and all the sex you can use.
It's a shame he does not have the guile to sniff out what is about to happen, but if it weren't so, we would not be having this conversation. If you at least tell him about TOM, you can sleep easy with a good conscience - it's not as if you have done anything else wrong. But if you decide to cheat, while keeping him in the dark, then if you still feel no guilt, while he dies inside form your coldness, I feel sorry for you both.
I agree with three words and part of one sentence in MarkTwain's post (just kidding MT)
To tell him you are having problems and lead him to believe you will work on things is just unfair to him. If you want out and you cannot bring yourself to be forthcoming about TOM, at least respect him enough to tell him that you want out and be honest if he asks you whether there is someone else or whether you will work on the marriage.
Young, childless, wanting a new life!!
Re: Young, childless, wanting a new life!!
and very good advice. 
