onepotatotwo

I think my marriage is over. After coming off of several very nice days, we had a huge fight last night. The dog (who is just 1 year old and a giant breed), chewed a piece of foam off the coverlift for the hot tub. It isn’t a big important or expensive piece…I’m sure I could get another one. But H is always after my dog. He makes mean comments about her 24/7 and makes me feel completely inadequate all the time. He has his kids, and I have my dog…I gave up the idea of having kids because of H’s age and vasectomy…so I thought I would invest myself in a dog instead of kids of my own(I’ve got his kids so according to him that should be good enough).
H had been unemployed for a year, which started about the time I got the dog. I had gotten her from a breeder, and it was all planned out—then he lost his job just weeks after she’d come home. So he was home during her puppy phase…but didn’t train her or help me in any way, except for pick up poop. I haven’t felt it was a fair deal since I took care of his kids in every way for 2 years while he worked nights—I can’t even tell you how much work they required, but I did it because it was the right thing to do. But H didn’t reciprocate with the dog. So consequently, at just over 1-year old she is willful, chews things, and can be a nuisance. She’s too big and strong for me to handle on my own and I’ve been hurt countless times because I’m just not strong enough in any way to handle her…but I still try my best to take her to daycare and teach her. Unfortunately all my work gets undone because his large teenage sons like to rough house with her and get her riled up, and jump up on them and do all the things I don’t want them to do. H thinks it’s funny…

So we got into this fight last night over the piece of the cover lifter for the hot tub. Mind you, I bought the cover and lifter myself with my own money because although it was his tub before we married, it was all falling apart…so I spent my money to fix it all back up. So when H told me the dog chewed the piece, I went and got it and yep she’d chewed it…so I threw it away and said, I’m going to have to get rid of her and send her to a rescue for her breed. I was very very upset and in tears. I’ve been contemplating it for a few weeks now because H does not like her, and is mean to her and me, and I don’t want to drag her through a messy divorce and wherever I’m going to wind up after…it’s not fair to her. But it is breaking my heart to think about having to part with her, even though I know it’s for her best interest…
So, H sees me all upset last night after I’d thrown the piece away and I was crying and upset because I figured it’s time to plan her going to the breed rescue. H grabbed my arm as I turned to walk away…It wasn’t a mean grab, and I’m sure he was trying to be comforting, but as he took my arm, I pulled it away from him. That really made him mad. So we got into a huge ugly fight that lasted over 2 hours.
Things were said on both sides that were incredibly hurtful. More than anything, H is back to withholding affection…tuned his back on me in bed…and is leaving town tonight for a sport event. He wasn’t supposed to go until Saturday, but he’s going early to punish me…but of course he doesn’t call it that…but that’s what it is.

The worst part of the whole mess is that I have to go out of town Sunday and won’t be back until Tuesday. A family member is gravely ill and I have to take her to a facility out of the area. It’s very very serious and we don’t believe she’ll be coming back, but instead of being supportive and helpful right now, my H is worried more about punishing me and going to watch his kid’s stupid sporting event out of town.

I’ve been sick all night and today over it all. I have enough stress without H adding to it with his petty crap that winds up going into a nuclear meltdown.
Granted H worked a 17 hour day yesterday, but I did not want the conflict…I wanted to be left alone and cry and not have a huge drama over a $2 piece of Styrofoam. Instead I got a night of crazy mean fighting and now I’ll get emotionally neglected and verbally abused today and until I leave to go out of town. I’m completely drained….

Any thoughts on this all? I don’t see H as being a good or supportive husband at all, and this is just another case of what he does…it’s like he deliberately creates these fights whenever 1) he wants to do something I don’t agree with {i.e. the early out of town thing} and 2) whenever there’s a crisis in *my* family, it’s like he wants to add to my stress as much as possible.

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CalmMarian

Lose the dog if you have to. It may be a symbolic thing for him. I had a dog 3 years ago that chewed up my hottub cover. Later he got aggressive with my husband (who was the only one who did much to try to train him) so it was easier just to let him go. A good foster program in my town took him.

As for your H release him emotionally to either stay in your marriage or not. You can't control him and if you did he'll just revolt.

Can I ask you a favor? Would you tell me how you'd like to be treated by a husband. If he was the "perfect" husband how would you like to have had this situation go? Just imagine and write me a "pretend" scenario. (it's really theraputic and I'm curious).

onepotatotwo

If he was a perfect husband, he would have just thrown the piece away and if I ever asked about it (which I’m sure I wouldn’t even have noticed), he would say “oh the dog ate it”—and laughed… And if he were the perfect husband, he would say, “I understand that you aren’t physically strong enough to control this dog—the breed that I wanted and not you—so let me help you by doing things *with* you and the dog so we can train her together and you don’t feel so stressed and anxious all the time.”

As for him leaving town, if he was my ideal husband, he would say, “Being that you’ve worked for over a year straight with no vacation, to support myself and my kids (and took out loans in your name to pay bills while I was unemployed), I would really like to do something for you before I go out of town…a romantic dinner, massage and perhaps some intimacy… And I will go out of town Saturday instead of earlier so that we can have a night together rebuilding our marriage—so you don’t feel so alone and uncared for while I’m away…”

I’m thinking from this exercise, my idea of the perfect husband is one who can empathize with my feelings…someone who acknowledges how I’m feeling, *and* will work with me to resolve the bad feelings {like, loneliness or anxiousness}….

I don’t think many men are wired to be therapists and help get rid of bad feelings, so I don't know how valid my thinking is on that topic...but it would be nice if my husband could at least acknowledge my feelings—or even understand *what* I’m feeling…