SLRLeann

If your going to read my story and offer advice please read it all rather than skimming over it. Thanks for your willingness to offer advice!
Putting a full history of a 17yr marriage on a forum to strangers isn’t really possible. I'll make it as short as i can sparing alot of details.

Married 17yrs. 23yr old daughter away from home in college and 12yr boy at home. Husband was raised in city in California. Spoiled rotten as an only child. Semi-well off. Grew up to be known as a “player” in his old days lol. I was raised in Arkansas. 5 kids total. Very poor grew and killed everything we ate. I’ve previously been to counseling to help overcome issues stemmed from childhood (codependency etc). parents did what they call shame based discipline. Putting your nose in your urine for punishment for bedwetting. Making you hold the electric fence for our cattle. At the age of 7 I was caught “discovering myself” and my punishment was mom ripping all my clothes off and forcing me to repeat what she caught me doing on the living room floor with all siblings and our cousin kids all sitting in the room watching. I could go on and on with the stories but you get it. Just messed up.

We married after knowing each other 8 months. After first year he started displaying a very ugly side. Years later I learned this was verbal and emotional abuse to the extreme. Yelling at me for everything, cursing me out, etc. Very bad temper. I lived about 13yrs constantly worried about what may make him mad. Ensuring things were ok so he wouldn’t get mad. My daughter and I always hid things from him so he wouldn’t go off on us. He had always been a daily pot smoker too. He lived in his recliner. Never participated in life. Didn’t like being around people. Expected porn type sex in the bedroom. And there are just no words to describe how badly he treated me.

After years of the typical trying different methods to “change him” begging for counseling or anger management only to have him snap at me about I was just too sensitive. Or if I didn’t do things to upset him he wouldn’t act like that. Anyhow, I finally reached a point to where I just didn’t care anymore. I’d of been happy if he just killed over or disappeared. I’d kind of “checked out” and didn’t care. I told him I was done this time. Told him I didn’t love him. Deserved to be treated with respect, tired of protecting my daughter from her dad, etc etc. By then our daughter was grown and out of the house and our son was 9 or 10. This was just a few years ago.

He freaked out. Crying, sobbing, begging pleading. Threw his pot away, begged me to please help him change. He wanted counseling and anger management. Said he was so so sorry he’d been treating me so bad. Blamed most of it on the pot. I felt stuck. I saw this new side of him. So naturally we hit the counseling and I was pretty shocked. I saw a whole new man. He started visiting and talking to people. He wanted to go do things together. He laughed about things or tried cracking a joke now and then. He started doing things around the house to help out. He started trying to loose weight and present himself better as if he cared what others thought. He started showing me a new kind of affection as if he really cared rather than touching only for sex. I was totally elated. We spent the next 8 months or so in this honeymoon phase. We even renewed our wedding vows. As to be expected this cloud 9 feeling wore off for us both slowly. Within a year he was no longer enjoyable to be around. Don’t get me wrong, he did NOT go back to being so abusive to me. He just turned back into a lump on a log. Never touched the pot again though thank god. But he just sits around Barking at things. Not really being mean just nothing to be attracted to. He would get upset about things and raise his voice and yell or slam things but never cursing me out or acting as bad as he use to. He was no longer fun to be around. My son and I started hiding things from him again to prevent him from getting upset.
There are mistakes made by both of us. He engaged in some of his old behaviors and I started allowing it. It happened so slow I didn’t notice it though. Then here comes another major hit to our marriage. I’d been seeing doctor and therapist for a back injury and somehow got addicted to opiates the pain med my doc was giving me. I got bad. Hurt us bad financially doing this behind his back. I tried getting off even went to the doc that got me on them and begged him to do something. He told me I had to do rehab. I couldn’t do this. I was traveling for my job teaching and doing employee motivational seminars, I ran our soccer organization, I just couldn’t. So I engaged a friend and we slowly weaned me off that crap. Hardest thing I ever did. I was so so depressed afterwards. How I was on that stuff and what I did. Horrible. He found out and you can imagine his reaction. But…. He went with me to see a phychiatrist and all. He said he loved me and would stand by me. This all ended well.

Other than that pill situation nothing else major with us. Just daily life of him vegging and not helping around the house. Being grumpy and snapping at us for honest mistakes etc. Little things like when I forgot to pay the cellphone bill and now it was 5 days late he blew. Took the other bills from me and said stuff like “obviously I can’t trust you to do **** and will have to do it myself!” My little dog in the house was running circles around the living room acting silly and instead of laughing about it he’d just roll his eyes as if to say “stupid dog”. He’s very very responsible and particular about stuff. Almost ocd. Like when I pay a bill I have to write the account number in the checkbook register and the confirmation number. Then also write the info on the bill itself, ck number confirmation number etc. then also put it on this sheet he has that keeps up with bills. It think that’s so stupid to be so so picky but it’s just the way he is.

Over the last 2 years I’m back to wishing I’d never married him. I feel like my brain is in some whirlwind of confusion. I’ve gotten to where I’m blocked from seeing any good in the marriage. It’s not only his temper or tendency to blow verbally but just his dead personality all over. I’ve daydreamed about him dying and allowing me off the guilt of leaving him.(I know that sounds icky). Not only do I not love him but I don’t even LIKE him or being around him. I decided I needed to find a way out of this without it turning into another huge ordeal like it did last time. I started seeing a counselor last week. Only been once now have another appointment this upcoming week. She says it sounds like the bullet left the gun a long time ago but my finger is still on the trigger afraid to pull it.

Well, he found out I was going and didn’t tell him. He was so angry. Saying the only reason I’d go behind his back was to find a way out of the marriage. Yelling at me about how could I destroy our family like this after everything he’s done for me helping me past that addiction I dealt with and all. Look at everything we’ve built together and how could I just throw it all away. I’m going to devastate our son how can I do this to him. The next night he got up a few times in the middle of the night and I could hear him slamming things and stuff. The next morning he was so nasty to me said “I’m glad someone feels they’re happy enough to sleep!” Told me I was selfish and nothing he did was good enough. Said I keep raising the bar on him higher and higher. Here we go again right?
The next day which was 2 days ago, he woke me up at 3:00 in the morning! Saying I love you, I’m sorry I still hurt you. Asked me to scoot over so he could hold me. I denied about 4 times till I finally did just to shut him up. He gets up that morning as if nothing was wrong. Weird. He’s been acting so happy, talking, laughing, cracking jokes. He’s obviously in his crisis mode again and is doing everything he thinks I want him to do in order to get me to want to stay. Thing is it’s pissing me off. It makes me sick. I know this isn’t really him. My son is soaking it up! Yesterday my son asks “what’s up with dad!”. For a few hours yesterday when we were running errands I respond to some of his conversation and laughed about something then later told myself there is NO WAY I’m getting sucked in to him again so he can change again in a few months and then me be beating myself up because I’ve done it again. So now he’s saying what’s wrong with me cause I was in a good mood earlier. I hate this. I feel stuck. I still just wish he’d go away. I can’t leave now. It would turn into a huge emotional mess with me being the bad guy for ripping his heart out again. I’d be the one destroying our marriage and our family. Although I think of it more of saving myself from spending the remainder of my life wishing I had something different. I want someone that I can enjoy doing things with. Someone that laughes, jokes, enjoys life. Don’t take things so serious. Don’t get mad at me if I make an honest mistake. But of course that’s how he’s acting right now.

I read so much about people "getting back what they had" or "rekindling the relationship" but what if it was never really good to begin with? I was a wreck emotionally when i was younger thanks to my wonderful parents. I managed to look for abusive men and he seemed to look for injured women as his ex wife was not much different than I. During some of the best times of our marriage I was in love with the idea of having a somewhat normal marriage where we enjoyed each other.

My head is so screwed up right now. I feel angry too. Not sure why but so angry that he’s doing this right now. It's almost like "how dare you push me out and treat me like a dog then act like this when i'm trying to do the right thing and what's best for me and our son". If we were apart my son could enjoy BOTH of us without the fighting. And hopefully there's still time to teach him how a healthy marriage should look like. He's already gotten to where he calls me to come or asks me to get something for him. Can't believe I've allowed this.

Thanks for your patience in reading this long story!

SLRLeann

Let me add a few things i guess trying to keep my story short it's easy to leave out important details.
The other day when he was so upset i remember him repeatedly say I'd once again dropped this big bomb on him and how did i expect him to react. But, like i told him, DAILY I say things to him. Like "you didn't have to yell or treat me like that to get your point across" or "see, that reaction is exactly what i'm talking about, was it necessary?" or "I'd be more open to listening to you if you said it more calm and not yell and curse". I talk to him pretty often about how I feel he's treating us and his response is always either I'm too sensitive or nothing he does is good enough. Said he's changed and i cant see that. So i didn't drop a bomb on him. He's just not taken me serious until I do something drastic. He kept saying "I love you! Isn't that enough?!!"

Also, I've put so much into to trying to make him happy. I thank him when he does something i appreciate. I do things for him all the time. He asks me to get something for him i get it. He calls me for help on something I'm happy and willing. (well not recently) but I'm just saying that i contribute everything i can to make him happy hoping he'll see this and be different. I feel he does hardly anything in return.
And if anyone thinks he's being manipulative or anything - he's not doing it on purpose I promise. Sometimes I think he deep down inside wants to be different I just don't think he can. And even if he DID become a happier person that doesn't hollar and get mad what about just his personality? What I was ok with 17yrs ago i'm not now. If i were to meet him todayeven seeing his positive side i still wouldn't date him. I'm a very down to earth optimistic bubbly person who really enjoys life and people. I want someone who shares alot of common interests. My husband and I do things that we enjoy together but we don't do anything that "connects" us outside of our son at least.

Right now i'm typing and he's engaging in hanging out with our son. They got one of those $500 traxis cars yesterday and are playing it together. He's talking, smiling and acting so happy but I don't trust this is something he can continue for more than a month or so. My past experiences have proven otherwise.

sammy3

Do you know the story of the poisonous snake? If so, just skip, if not, it is written, one day a man came across a snake. He took him home, fed him, loved him, took care of all his needs. The snake would snap at the man when he put his hand into the cage to give him food. One day the poisonous snake bit him. The man cry out, "Why did you bite me with your poison? I love you, I feed you, I care for you ? Is this how you repay me?" and the snake turned to the man and said, " You knew what I was when you picked me up "

DelinquentGurl

I read your entire thread and first of all I gasped out loud when I read about how your parents punished you as a child. Growing up like that it makes sense to me why you would pick a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive.
Your H still very much has an anger problem and while I do think it is possible to change, it is going to take a long time and hard work on his part. If he's been like this for years more than likely it will take years for it to be fixed.

It sounds like he has literally sucked the life out of you. I think it's good that you are in C for yourself and you need to keep going. You could very well have some sort of PTSD stemming from the abuse (yes, that was abuse no question) of your parents that you need to work through.

I'm sorry to hear about your addiction, from what I've read it happens quite often.

You only get one shot at life, I pray you find the strength to move on.
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SLRLeann

No, i'd not heard the snake story. i liked it though sure makes sense.

Deliquent girl: thanks. I like to THINK i've worked past my childhood. I look at it as "it happened get over it". i don't like blameing things on childhood. I am who i am by my own choices. I am the wife that i am and the mother that i am by the daily choices i make. I disassociated from my family at 16. i was thrown out for my dissent but it was the best thing that happend to me. i was self supportive at that age. I like to think i'm the only one that turned out normal. ok, i've had some sexual insecurities i had to overcome and codependency issues but... i have a drugie alcoholic brother, one that was in prison for abusing his step daughter, a sister who had her kids taken away and practices witchcraft now. they're all a mess. to this day i CHOOSE to stay away from them. they're not healthy for me.

What i'm hoping to get out of counseling is to become more confident to make appropriate decisions in my life. I appear self confident on the outside. I was doing employee motivational workshops and engagement at work. I lead our soccer organization. I was over a board of 35 members that ran an organization of over 400 kids. I'm outgoing, bluntly spoken and appear very confident. But inside i feel like i don't know who i am. I feel selfish sometimes and other times feel i deserve to feel selfish. I'm a mess right now. I am angry yet also so very depressed. I could yell or i could cry. I hope this therapist will help me learn to make decisions based on what's emotionally helathy for me and my son. IF that means leaving him and going through the inevitable hell that will go with that then so be it. If that therapist feels i have other issue that need worked on before making that decision i'm open to that also. But right now, at this moment. He makes me sick

SLRLeann

I was thinking about that snake story. So when that man saw the snake he had NO idea that it had the potential to do that to him. And when the man got bit the snake was sorry and started showing the man affection again and not biting. Then bit again. This continued until the man realized this snake was not a good idea and he shouldn't have brought it home to begin with. But.... he feels stuck because how can he just dump this snake to fend for itself when it's not the snakes fault it has the tendency to bite. He chose that snake. I guess the man has too much compassion to turn his back on the snake. I think this man is only 44 and has many years ahead, he needs to continue counseling to learn to let this snake go and to learn to say no to all snakes in the future! LOL

Runs like Dog

I don't sugar coat. Call me insensitive. I don't care.


You're a god damn doormat. You have more mental problems than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family. Luckily though with care and tenderness and love you can overcome them. It will take a great deal of work and time and an environment where you can flourish and become the beautiful wonderful person you could always be.

Your husband is a psychopathic bully who feeds off your weakness and self hatred.

You can't fix yourself and become an emotionally healthy mature woman capable of love and self respect as long as you live with your husband. Your choice. Stay with him so he can **** all over you the rest of your life, or leave him and salvage your soul and your life.

Your mom makes Nazi death camp doctors look normal. Not only would I never speak to her ever again I would disappear off the face of the earth to them and make it impossible to ever contact me or even know if I was alive.

SLRLeann

There's a difference between being blunt and not sugar coating and being down right rude. I'm blunt also and appreciate that in others.
Saying I have more mental issues that the massacre family is just a direct cut and there's really no need for that.

Now, I agree with you though. As far as my family I have nothing to do with any of them. I have one brother that changed his ways and is a total church freak now. At least he found a healthy addiction lol. I do talk to him sometimes. that's where i "hear" about what all they're doing. So they've been out of the picture all my adult life.

I'm really hoping this therapist can help me gain whatever I need to gain to get my crappo straightened out. The last counselor I saw i quit going. After 6 sessions all i'd gotten out of it was all the why's. Why this why that. I already know all that. I know how messed up my parents were. I am fully aware that most of my reactions and behaviors come from how i was raised. I get that. I need help moving forward and changing. I need to see progress not spend session after session hearing stories and telling me how messed up my life has been. I told this therapist that my first visit. Told her about the last guy and why i quit going to him. Told her I wanted aggressive, blunt action not to spend $75/hr to hear how messed up my childhood was

Runs like Dog

Sorry - but you know everything I told you, already. You know you do. You know your childhood is the root of your problems today. It's shaped you it's turned you into a doormat. It's what made you seek out your husband. Being abused and tortured validates your self hatred. You know it. And you can't fix it immersed in it. You don't need an expensive Jungian analyst to tell you that. You don't even need a psychiatrist. You need a therapist or social worker who help you confront these things and accept them, accept YOU. There isn't a therapist in the world who can make you love yourself. All they can do is give you more or less a roadmap to do that.

Again, you know that. You know you know that.

You need to bury that child you used to be, you need to take her out back and shoot her dead. You need to end your own slavery. That's what holding you back.

SLRLeann

Take her out back and shoot her dead. LMAO. that's funny.

What you said was my issue with this last dude i went to. I knew why when how etc. I need guidence out of this. I know there are behaviors i need to get away from but my attitude of "just doing it" doesn't seem to work. I tell myself i need to quit being codependent. I need to learn to say no to other people. I've hurt myself financially to help others in need. I can't say no to a stray animal. But i have to learn how to set and hold a boundary and learn that saying no doesn't mean i don't care.

My husband use to travel alot. Across the country. I remember we were at our happiest times when he was gone. (me and my kids). I don't even know how to describe it. I acted how i wanted, ate what i wanted to eat, didn't clean if i didn't feel like it etc. I know i'll be SO relieved and much happier if we're split. It's GETTING there that I can't seem to do. Funny too because this is total opposite behvior of what I normally do. If we're faced with a big brick wall and need to get to the other side, my husband will sit and analyze the best way for days. Measuring, timing etc. Me.... I'll bust the dang wall down to get where i need to be then look back and say "oops! that's ok, we can fix it!" lol. I can't seem to bust down this brick wall of my marriage. I'm not that worried about my son either.
Yes, i know it will hurt and affect him. BUT I'm 100% confident that he is perfectly old enough and mature enough to know what's going on. He's not stupid. he's fully aware of our issues in the home. Unfortunately we work as a team behind dad's back. I've done a great job at training my kids how to not upset dad. sickening isn't it. And i really believe that he can then enjoy good quality time with both of us and not be sitting here watching and listening to us yell and watching me cry 3 times a week. I see that odd look in his eyes when my husbands treats me like a dog. I see pity in my sons eyes. Then he acts humble and compasionate towards me the rest of the day. He knows. He's not stupid. What will be my number one goal with him is to make sure he knows we both love him more than life itself and this has nothing to do with him. It was in existance before he was even born.

Anyhow, again my goal with therapy is to just grow. I can continue being a big kind hearted, happy bubbly gal without letting people walk on me. I have faults that i'll always have. I forget and i'm a bit of an airhead sometimes. I'm too spontaneous sometimes. But i still have alot to offer someone. And there's still time to teach my son how a wife and husband should treat each other.

DelinquentGurl

Dog- I agree with the doormat comment but the mental problems comment was rude.

I hope this counselor helps you also, like you I don't like sitting in therapy rehashing my childhood because nothing I do will change the past. I am solution oriented, and I want to know how to get past issues, not just learn to cope with them.

My fear is that your H will never change, and you'll continue being abused.
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SLRLeann

I started stassing money about 4 months ago. I got a p.o. box in the next town where i work. I also opened a seperate checking account using my po box for my address so that if and when i get balls enough to make my leap of faith jump I have something. I know he will freak out but he won't do anything to hurt our son. no way. He won't withhold monies or leave me stranded so not sure why i felt the need to start a stash of money but i did.
We have alot of debt thanks to my episode of my hydrocode addicition awhile back. But most of them are in my name since i did it behind his back. I can support myself just fine but not if i'm making all the other payments also so i'm thinking of doing a bankruptcy and just wiping the slate all the way across. not sure yet. I purchased an e book. it's called "Make any divorce better". it's a self help guide to help you prepare both mentally and physically and how to go about the least amount of chaos as possible. I saved it to my desktop at work and have been reading it.

I read another book (i don't even read! lol) it was called Too good to leave too bad to stay or something like that. It goes through a series of like 36 questions in depth analyzing your relationship. If any ONE of them tells you that you'd be happier off leaving then the answer is to go. Even if none of the others fit. 32 of them say I'd be happier if i left and miserable if i stayed. lol. I even re-did the book 2 more times to make sure and yep - 32 of the 36 told me to leave. wow.

Anyone having a difficult time deciding should read this book. It's a very blunt down to earth book. It taught me quite a bit.

Runs like Dog

I'm rude, what can I say?

DelinquentGurl

SLR some of the things about yourself remind me of myself. I am also an outgoing, outspoken person. I am also blunt but at times have been very rude and not thought before I spoke, which is one of my 180's I'm working on now.

On the outside I am a very confident woman, you would never know that on the inside I also do not feel like I know who I am, and I have horrible self esteem. I am in C to work on that (among other things)

My question to you is when do you plan on taking this leap of faith?
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Runs like Dog

It's not faith, it's destiny.