oracle

Hello Everyone,
I have been married for seven years on November the 3rd. I have been a Step Father Full-time to 2 part-time to 1 all with different fathers.
the only one at home is a 14 year old the youngest.
My wife has no backbone and lets him speak to her and to me disrespectfully. I have told her many years ago, that while he get OK grades, she needs to set rules and we enforce them together. last night I lost it. We came home from work. He has daily list of chores which he gets paid for if he does them correctly.(Which he almost never does)
He has people over in the afternoon which he lies about and things are missing and moved, which he denies. I got so angry that I told him to get of his computer and do his chores. He said he wouldn't that we could do them. My wife starts telling me to leave him alone that I'm over reacting. this makes me even more upset. I told her she should take my side and not the child s on this issue.I then said "I'm not living in a house where I'm being delegated to room mate. if she wanted to find another man to put up with this she could, but i was not". She then she said you can just divorce me then. I said "if thats the way you want it. I will." I left and came back. Our son was watching tv beside her. They both ignored me. She asked him to clean up a mess he had made earlier. As usual he just sits there and then he says he is going to bed. she tells him goodnight. This is a typical day lately.
I probably did over react in general. I threatened him with a sitter or military school.
I'm really fed up with his disrespect and sense of entitlement. If he had been 18 I would have thrown him out of the house. I really am tired of my wife not making rules and sticking to them.

We love each other. The sex is not that frequent and even then I always have to initiate it.
My wifes favorite word are lets have a happy time and that i want to make everyone miserable.
This offends me greatly and hurts my pride . In typical man fashion I want to fight or flight.
This is my first marriage her third. Married at 16 with child, one party child and one from her last marriage.
One of the reasons I married her was that she was a single mom 2 kids at home paying child support on the third on 21,000 year . She made it with no assistance other than some friends or boyfriend kicking in now and again always upbeat and happy. After getting to know her, I felt she just needed a good man willing to work with her and not against her.
I feel like I have to parent her as well as the child.

Sorry if I'm all over the place. I'm really upset that it may be coming down to separation/divorce.

swedish

I can relate to your post in many ways and as a divorced w/3 kids remarried for 7 years have been in your wife's shoes to some extent.

I think what you've described about your step-son is totally normal teen-age behavior. (mine are 18, 14, 12) Mine have lied to avoid getting in trouble & have also completely ignored me when I ask them to do something. It seems clear from what I read that this isn't about your step-son at all, it's about you and your wife feeling unsupported and unappreciated by one another.

Here's where I was at a year ago...I am also pretty laid back when it comes to parenting (probably too laid back) and my husband had many of the same frustrations you are having. I don't like conflict, confrontation and would rather pick up the glass from the living room (where they aren't supposed to have drinks) then to get into with them (don't sweat the small stuff or bad parenting...probably a little of both) whereas my husband will say something. The bad thing with this combination is that it puts him in the 'bad cop' role and as a step-dad of teens is not a very enjoyable place to be. I get that now. We had a talk about this and decided that I needed to step up as far as discipline and enforcing the rules.

Here's what I was feeling...every time he got angry when the kids acted up (usually them fighting, many times violent) he would say 'I can't take this' 'maybe I should just get an apartment somewhere' bit by bit it added up to me feeling he's going to leave at some point. This was a horrible spiral because I became depressed, disconnected from him emotionally (sex dropped off big time at this point) and I was feeling very lonely. It felt horrible because I'm a nice person, my husband and kids are my world and none of them seemed happy.

She sounds like a great person doing what she knows how. If you still see that, there is a lot of hope if you are willing to talk. I would first apologize for over-reacting with your stepson (to him and to your wife) and then have a talk with her to see how she is feeling...ask her what she imagined being married to you would be like and if you've fallen short of that. Listen to her and don't defend anything she says, just listen & see where she is at deep down. She most likely wants the same peace that you seek and the same intimate connection but feels lost.

The second thing I would recommend is talking to her about parenting roles...you can't change who she is and most of us parent like our own parents so this will probably mean compromise on both ends but there are things she can do to step up and be more firm with him...just don't expect drastic changes over night...with a teen-ager that would only backfire anyway. My approach wasn't sudden change, but it was more of letting them know that now they are older and mom's been doing this or that for years and now i'm tired and need them to help out.

Hope this helps.

oracle

Thanks for the advise. I did apologize. We are at each other all the time now, but the one child disrespects his mother. Example she says he needs to do x he tells her not going to do it. She lays down, unless I jump in and make him do it. I tell her to get a backbone and that she has to be an enforcer not me. Seems like she thinks he walks on water. She is real quick to correct me, but not her children. Really irritating and I tell her exactly what I'm thinking.

We will see I suppose. Thanks again

swedish

Does she feel loved?

swedish

Not necessarily. A good way to quiet a room is by yelling if the people you are yelling at don't want to engage in an argument with you.
In my opinion, this is terrible advice for someone seeking help in a 'considering separation or divorce' forum. Compromising on parenting and discipline is the only way I see this improving.
Not necessarily. She just might be feeling completely stuck in the middle, unable to please both her husband and kids and she may feel that she needs to be easy on her kids so they keep loving her. She hasn't had that with the men in her life so she may be basing her decisions on what she can hold on to.

It's hard to compromise or even react when you feel trapped in a situation. However, if she felt loved and safe within the marriage, she may be more open to hearing "I think our son needs to learn some responsibility and I know you are easy on him out of love and good intention but I honestly don't think this will be good for him long-term. Would you be willing to try some small changes and see how he responds?"