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Post-cancer wife wants to separate

5K views 30 replies 13 participants last post by  Dyokemm 
#1 ·
Looking for advice on separation -- ie, should I move out or not?

My wife (41) and I (43) have been married for 14 years and have three kids (13, 11, 9). We're a military family and have moved many times over the course of our marriage, along with my being gone for days, weeks, or months at a time. She is very capable and independent, but also has felt separated from her family and on her own many times. I've tried to see to her needs by encouraging her to travel, and when the opportunity arose, we've moved where possible to be close to her family. We have very different interests and personality (she's an extrovert, I'm an introvert) but we made it work and we used to have a passion for each other that made us the envy of our friends. Privately, after having kids, sex and intimacy became more and more infrequent, which has been a point of frustration for both of us.

Two years ago, she sat me down and told me that she loved me, but had no desire to ever have sex again, and my being there put pressure on her. She had begun looking forward to me having duty away from her. Every time I kissed her, or touched her, she felt strings were attached and I expected sex (which we were only having about once a month at that point). She said she doesn't blame me, and that I tried to engage her romantically with flowers, and gifts, candles, date nights, movies, etc., but there was always an undercurrent that I expected sex. She wondered if she might feel desire with someone else in the future, and that it was unfair to me to cut out that whole section of our marriage, stating that divorcing might be best. I talked with a chaplain who said I needed to give her space and time. On his advice, I took sex off the table so she would not feel pressured. I've continued to show her affection, tell her I love her, and make small romantic gestures, but without actions toward being intimate.

A month or two after that discussion, she was diagnosed with Stage IIB breast cancer on her right side. She has had a number of body issues over the years. She was heavier when we met, and had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight about 7 years ago. She also had to have a hysterectomy after our third child, and went into early medical menopause. She took estrogen and other drugs to deal with that, and to address her loss of libido after having kids. That may have led to her breast cancer, for which she had a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, and reconstruction (ongoing). Her mom moved in to assist me as caregiver, but now that she's mostly recovered, her mom is on the way out again.

While this went on, neither of us mentioned the issue of separation, and I hoped my support and patience would re-open her heart, but she took me aside again this week and told me nothing had changed. It's now been almost two years since we last had sex. Again, she stressed it was not me, and that I'd done all and more that anyone could ask. She loves me, but wants to separate after the kids finish school for the year, with me probably moving out and putting the house up for sale. There is no infidelity, emotional or physical abuse, and we seem to get along well. She just says that she has no passion for anything, and that even though I've taken the pressure off her to have sex, my presence still makes her feel pressured. She's apparently been saving money for a lawyer this whole time.

I love her. I only want her, but this whole thing just confuses the hell out of me. And I don't want to destroy or lose the life we've made for ourselves, not to mention the affect divorce would have on our kids, our finances, and everything else. I'm talking to the chaplains again and she's agreed to see one. This new chaplain told me that feelings follow action, so he says we should try to be intimate so she can rediscover that part of our lives together, but her mind seems made up. Is this a lost cause? What else can I do to win her back? Is this just a mid-life crisis I should ride out? Should I resist her desire to have me move out?

Sincerely,
The Rememberist
 
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#31 ·
Its almost like clockwork.

Every time a spouse come on TAM with the partner who wants a separation, loves them but doesn't feel in love anymore, etc, etc......eventually here comes the POS AP.

Expose her A to everyone and file for D immediately.

And she is lying through her teeth about what has gone down with this POSOM.....whatever she has done has been bad enough to provoke a total stranger into giving you a heads up because they were so disgusted.
 
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