Acctguy

I guess the title says it all.

I'm lying to my wife, pretty much every minute of every day. She's very insecure and wants constant affirmations- she asks questions like "do you still love me", "you'll never leave me, right?", "always and forever?"...all the frakking time. She IM's me at work & e-mails me when I'm away from my desk (I check e-mail on my phone). And of course, I have to answer in the affirmative every time...I don't know what else to do, since I'm not yet ready to pull the trigger on a divorce.

Somehow I have to keep up the facade for another 6 months, and its getting very, very difficult. Ever since I made up my mind about divorce, all the things that annoy me seem to have gotten worse.

Some background:

I've made up my mind about getting divorced, but I'm not ready to do it yet. Part of the problem is finances...I want to make sure that there is a decent chunk of money for the two of us to split, which should only take 3 months or so to stockpile.

There is also another complication, we planned (and paid for) a vacation with some friends of ours...and I don't want to rob them of that.

The tickets are non-refundable at this point, I don't really care about the money I've spent...but my friends have been saving for a big trip like this for 3 years, and If I bring up a divorce before hand, I'm pretty sure that the whole thing will get canceled. The trip is scheduled for December-January (New Year's in Hawaii). I was planning on just "pretending" through the trip, and then filing for divorce a couple of weeks after we get back.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling like an ass right now. I never wanted to lie, and I'd like to make this whole thing as painless for my wife as possible...although I know that she'll be devastated. Am I a terrible person for just "pretending" everything is OK in the meantime?

How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore?

Sorry for the vent...

golfergirl

Why are you wanting to divorce! Is there at all a chance of repair? She senses you pulling away, that's why she's so clingy right now. No chance of being honest and working together towards repairing issues? Can I be blunt and ask if you've met someone else?
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Good_Husband

How long have you been married? She most likely can sense what is going on, and that is why she is acting that way. I am no expert, but would you consider talking with a marriage counselor before you throw in the towel on your marriage?

Acctguy

Naw, she's been this clingy for the whole 11 years we've been married. It's not something new. I had another thread explaining things a couple weeks ago...check here if you want the full background.

And no, I haven't met anyone else. I'm not having an affair, I've just been very unhappy for a very long time...and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one who has to be responsible all the time.

I'm tired of marriage.

Syrum

I think you are very cruel.

I also think there is more to the story then you are telling.

You made some big mistakes in your marriage and you are blaming your wife. You are probably showing her through your actions that you don't love her like you should and that is why she is clingy.

You also weren't very manly and haven't handled conflict very well. That's not attractive.

Also you should never ever choose your mother/ family over your wife. If they were doing something to your wife that hurt her feelings, you should have been man enough to let them know it wasn't OK.

You should have also been able to tell your wife that you were not willing to move. And taken control of your marriage and steered it in the right direction.

I really hope you don't marry again, because you are not mature enough to handle relationships, and I feel very sorry for your wife, whos crimes seem to be loving you a lot and being a bit flakey in her direction with studies.

golfergirl

I read your other thread.
Have you been checked for depression? Like if you want out and you're done it is the best for both you and her but....
Why are you being cruel and informing everyone but her 6 months prior? Shouldn't she be the first not the last to know?
You've grown apart - I get that. You're happy where you are, she isn't. If you aren't willing to move and she doesn't like it, then she stays or goes.
You said something in your other thread that's total contradiction. If your wife was unhappy with your mom and grandma, she needed to speak up and deal with her own crap and leave you out of it. Doesn't she kind of deal with things same way you do? Fester and boil but up front - nothing? Did you even say, 'hey grandma, I know it's your house and you can display whatever photo you want, but when we come over, can you put that one away while we visit? It make Jane and me a little uncomfortable'. What grandma does from there her call. I guess too late for that. Not being rude but I am surprised you got anywhere in life with your lazy attitude.
I'm betting you're hoping in the next 6 months she loses interest and dumps you so you once again, don't have to take action.
You want to get out, get out. But do so with class by informing her now. Should have been first person you told not after discussing with friends and mom and grandma. In my opinion, that paints you guys more negatively than her and maybe her feelings of being left out were justified on some level. The thought of you telling mom and grandma and them being ecstatic just puts a bad taste in my mouth. Your friends trip, stock piling money.... All bs excuses. You want out - be a man and tell your wife today.
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827Aug

I completely understand about "getting all ducks in a row" before filing for divorce. However, you are never going to be able to pull this off. I really don't think you want to be the bad guy in all of this.....but, that's where you are headed.

You can't sweep your decision under the rug and pretend for six months. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to begin seeing a MC to help with the transition.

ClipClop

Cruel is the word I would use, too. You are hurting her now. Let's face it, you are lying for you.

I would hate you forever if you did this to me.
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WhereAmI

So you're worried about everyone except your wife? The money thing is a nonissue. Divorces aren't usually very quick. Your friends are all adults, they don't need both or either of you to be with them on vacation. Honestly, it sounds like you're making excuses. The sooner you tell her the sooner she can move on and heal. At one point you loved this woman. The least you can do is show her respect by being honest.
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magnoliagal

I'm a big fan of honesty no matter how much it hurts. Your wife deserves to know your plans. She knows you've pulled away so just put her out of her misery and tell her why already.

Ayrun

I guess my response got deleted. Figures. Anyway, you've both made a mess of things. If you're gonna go back on your vows at least quit lyin and being a coward about it.

Jellybeans

Syrum's post hit the nail on the head. It does sound like something from this story is missing. A big puzzle piece. My spidey sense is tingling.

I can't think of anything more cruel and cold. Going on a trip and lying in your wife's face for the next 6 months and "pretending" to be into her while secretly you plan your escape.

Be a man. Own what you want. Tell her straight up that you don't love her anymore and want a divorce. Yes, it will hurt her, but it will hurt her worse by lying to her face every day til next year when you hit her out of the blue with divorce papers. That is so cowardly, IMO.

I read your other thread and didn't see a single nice thing that you wrote about your wife. Do you even like her? If the love is gone, be straight with her, don't deceive her. It's clear you feel trapped in your marriage. So get out. Also I notice you don't say a single thing that is attributed to your part in this. I would advise you to get counselling for yourself and so you can learn something from all of this.

As far as the family drama--as a woman, I would feel hurt too if I went over to my husband's grandma/mom's house and saw a picture of him with his ex-wife on their wedding day for YEARS after were married. The same ex he was only married to for 6 months. But that is neither here nor there. It sounds to me like your grandma/mom/wife issue got dragged out so long and nobody took action to correct it and thus it snowballed.

Reading your post, I had the same question to as to whether you are having an affair or pursuing someone or have someone else on your mind but I see you already answered that question.

To surmise: If you are done, then my advice is to tell her you want a divorce today and take appropriate actions to end it. Stringing her along and "pretending" would be the absolute worst thing you could do to her. Completely. Not to mention it's a d!ck move.

Acctguy

You're right. I've never "manned up" in my relationships. My wife treats me like a child. Calls me "her little boy", both in private & in public. She's sugar-sweet around everybody, all the time. She's completely lovey-dovey, all the time (which has always driven me nuts btw).

I'm not just trying to blame her. I know that I'm plenty responsible for this mess. I had no business being married.

I've tried to keep my posts as succinct as possible...not wanting to write a book and all. But I've had a pretty screwed up life, and don't deal well with emotional...well anything emotional. I don't handle conflict well. I'm inherently lazy, and will take the path of least resistance when it comes to relationships & conflict. I've gotten along for years letting her "plan" a move to various parts of the country, always with a "not until we've paid off the CC..." or "not until after you finish school...". I never had any intent to move, I don't want to. She'd get so depressed when I'd say it that I'd buckle under and tell her the next "maybe after...". I'm sure I've let her believe that things would change. I guess I've been lying for years at this point.

I'm sure I've forgotten to post relevant facts, but I'm not deliberately leaving anything out. I know I'm no angel. I wasn't trying to imply that I wasn't at fault in this.

Acctguy

And I do appreciate the responses. Even if they aren't what I really want to hear. I wouldn't have bothered posting if I didn't want an outside opinion.

Maybe I will talk to a counselor. I don't think its going to have any effect on my decision to divorce, but perhaps it will on the way I go about it. I'd really rather just disappear and never deal with it at all.

ClipClop

She should leave you! Wow. You sure didn't leave her a prayer. Nice. Why not get into therapy and fix yourself and try to do right by this woman. You owe her.
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