I have been reading this forum but was hoping someone could help me in my specific situation.
I have been with my wife for more than 20 years. I am in my early 40s and she is about 12 years older. She is not able to work and has several health issues that keep her always going to the doctor (nothing life threatening). I am the only source of income. We have no kids but she has some grown kids from a previous marriage.
My wife and I get along great. She is willing to please me and she loves me. She would do anything for me all I have to do is but ask. I know I care for her deeply. I honestly don't know if I love her. I may not have ever loved her really but I do care for her.
I want a new life. I just want to be free from everything and start over. But I can't bring myself to leave her. She doesn't deserve that. I have no issues supporting her as best I could even if we were to divorce but I just can't bring myself to do that to her. I don't want to go to counseling and save the marriage. I don't want to try to respark some lost flame. I just want a new life.
I can feel I am starting to resent her for this. Of course, it is NOT her fault in any way, shape or form. It is my issue. I made an obligation to stay with her and provide for her and I don't want to just abandon that.
Any advice or suggestions?
(Sorry for the long post this is actually the first time I have every said/typed anything like this ever).
If you care for her deeply, then you love her. That's what love is. The fact that you feel such guilt at the thought of leaving her certainly says something for the depth of your feelings toward her. So why the denial?
You get along great with her, she loves you, will do anything to please you, but you want to dump her, be free from everything and start over? Something is not making logical sense here and it would seem there is more that you are not telling us. People don't normally leave relationships when they can describe their spouse as you have.
You made a commitment to your wife and your desire to want a new life, be free from everything and start over, sounds selfish and childish. I don't think you've given much thought to the prospect that your "new" live could be a hell of a lot worse than the one you've described.
If you can't keep the commitment for her and as you said you might not have ever really loved her then do her a favor and let her go. Why keep letting her live with a lie? and you with the same lie?
Thank you for the replies (I love the auto email notification feature).
As I have been reading these boards more thoroughly I have seen primarily two types of posts. First are the, "my spouse left me what should I do?" and "My spouse is a jerk so I am leaving!" both types illicit heartfelt sorry and great advice from responders. However, this is really neither situation. I would be the one doing the leaving and my spouse really hasn't done anything wrong. But I am not going to try to feel better about myself by nitpicking stuff she does to somehow "turn the tables". It is what it is.
Bigtoe: - Whether I "deeply care" or love I don't know. I don't feel it as love but how can I not care for someone who I have spent so long with and she has been good to me. There are some specific reasons that contribute to my feelings. There is a very large intelligence gap between us. I have an advanced degree and she could not do sixth grade math. This used to not bother me but I can't really have a stimulating conversation. There is also no passion. her medical situation leaves her tired and hurting all the time.
I am not sure I am being childish but I will readily agree I am being selfish. As great as she has been I want more from a partner.
The guilt comes from she is pretty much completely unemployable but not quite able to get on disability. Her children really can't support her (I also semi-support them). Basically I can't in good conscious "dump" her after so long given our current situation.
I probably mispoke when I said or implied a "clean break". I have not doubt that significant alimony would be involved and I would be happy to pay it.
I want to start over (sans alimony) for ME but I should stay for HER.
MTG: Yes, that is what I am trying to get the courage (or cowardice if you prefer) to do. I have actually thought to do this for a number of years but never pulled the trigger. I am maintaining a good front and can say with almost certainty that she has no clue I feel this way. This would definitely be one of those "out of left field" that I have been reading about on this board.
As I am currently going through this very situation allow me to share my perspective.
Been married for 23 years, together 25. Worked outside the home while raising 2 kids while H drove over the road/trucker. In the fall of 2009 I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor or meningioma. It was very large and starting to press on the brain stem. Two surgeries later it was successfully and completely removed. Recovery has been good but slow, could have affects for a few years at least. Can't drive, employment will be very difficult for me due to not only the after effects of the surgery but my age and the fact that 11 years ago I left my job to run the business with me husband.
He informed me, on the phone no less, that after all this he wanted out, he felt disconnected. Made plenty of empty promises to me that he was not "abandoning" me but he would see that I was taken care of financially. Well to date all that he has seen to is that I am (for all intents and purposes) homeless, jobless, carless, moneyless, everything!
Think long and hard about what you really want. From my side, I can only see selfishness and cowardice. Sorry but that's what I feel!
I actually read your story and also found it similar to mine from her perspective. I have been reading these forums constantly ever since I posted.
I have a good job that is a W-2 income. She would get her share regardless. My main concern is her health insurance. I have no clue how that would work but I would never want her to be without it because she takes about 6 meds a month and always sees the Dr.
Not sure about cowardice as I wouldn't run away or tell her over the phone but I can see where you would think that, especially given your situation. It is definitely selfish though as I would put my desires/needs/wants above hers. But that is the point of my conflict. Should I, as a person, be allowed to put my needs above my spouses needs? Should I continue to hide my unsatisfied marriage so my spouse can continue to enjoy her life?
This is not a situation that will affect her for a year (or less) then she will move on. This will affect her for the rest of her entire life given the dynamics of our marriage. I say that not because of some ego thinking she would never get over me. I say it because she doesn't have any viable quality of life options. At her age, health, lack of employability and lack of family members who could support her she would have a tough time solo.
Thanks for your honest feedback. And I am definitely going to continue to think long and hard about this decision. It has been at the back of my mind for a while but only this week pushed itself forward.
I want a new life. I just want to be free from everything and start over. But I can't bring myself to leave her. She doesn't deserve that. I have no issues supporting her as best I could even if we were to divorce but I just can't bring myself to do that to her. I don't want to go to counseling and save the marriage. I don't want to try to respark some lost flame. I just want a new life.
You're not in love with someone else, are you? Usually when people want out, and don't want to try counseling, and there's nothing "wrong" with the spouse, that's why.
But if there's no third party and you truly just want something different for your life, I think there are in-between steps you could take, especially because you have been blessed with a wife who sounds reasonable and rational. You don't have to just walk out and never come back. What if you were to explain the situation to her, basically tell her what you've told us, and then ask for a trial separation of 30 days? It would give you a chance to be on your own, something you have not experienced since you were very young, and would help you to clarify what you really want.
Also, keep in mind that if you're feeling this level of ambivalence, she is probably unhappy at some level, as well, even if she has not expressed it. Good luck to you!
There is no one else. I think I am simply having a mid life crisis. However, these thoughts and desires did not just come upon me but are moved to more conscious thought.
A middle step is a great idea. I never expected I would just serve papers and be done with it. I expect there would be a separation period. Heck, I may even stay separated for a long time if for no other reason than to keep her on my insurance.
I am sure there are some (many?) things about me that she dislikes but she seems to easily look over them. I have no doubt she loves me. However, I think of our relationship as more co-dependence. I provide for her (and her family) financially and she takes care of "all the little things" that I hate to do. I have a ton of free time with almost zero responsibility (no kids).
Lot's to think about. Without a doubt the hardest decision of my life.
Edit: I just thought of something that may be relevant. I went from living with my parents to living with her immediately. I have NEVER been on my own.
I just thought of something that may be relevant. I went from living with my parents to living with her immediately. I have NEVER been on my own.
I think that people grow and change over the years. You're not the same person you were 20 years ago, and neither is she. I think your never having lived on your own is totally relevant. We say "till death do us part," but what happens when one or both partners grow in different directions? There is a great book called "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma-- you should read it. It addresses how people change, and sometimes just outgrow each other.
Lest anyone get the idea that I've been reduced to a drooling, babbling, bedridden blob of humanity I just want to clarify my current condition (physical).
1. I walk unassisted, no cane or walker. I just walk like I've had a few too many.
2. Do all the things anybody else can do to take care of myself, my living quarters, my kids (although they are grown).
In all, I'm a healthy and fully functional human being. I just need a little fine tuning on some things.
H wasn't always the cold, uncaring, heartless, narcissistic s.o.b. that he is now. He certainly has had his share of issues over the years and I stood by him EVERY TIME!
I simply do not understand how he could have made this decision. Yeah, he says there is a 3rd party in this but I have my doubts on just how valid that whole thing is.
I am working hard to regain my independence, job wise, everything although he has this warped perception that he did this all done to help me. HA!
Thanks for the suggestion Chelly. I will check out that book.
Cherokee, I am glad to hear that. I wish my spouse was in the same situation. She could probably work part time but even that may be a bit much for her and it certainly could not be anything physical but she doesn't have an work related skills (she was a server at various restaurants until she just stopped working).
Re entering the workforce is pretty daunting for me. I have a number of things working against me: I'm a woman, just turned 50 this year and have been self employed for 11 years. I've got nearly 20 years experience in logistics/airfreight/trucking, every aspect except driving a truck. I've got a BA degree, but now I find that I'm "overqualified". S'cuse me!
Being jobless is the biggest barrier to my independence and not being self sufficient is what makes me "dependent" and I hate it.
Thanks for the suggestion Chelly. I will check out that book.
Cherokee, I am glad to hear that. I wish my spouse was in the same situation. She could probably work part time but even that may be a bit much for her and it certainly could not be anything physical but she doesn't have an work related skills (she was a server at various restaurants until she just stopped working).
AnATLGuy
I'm looking to hearing the result man ! I'm in the same situation with less marriage period. Plus, what you said applies to my situation too : "Should I, as a person, be allowed to put my needs above my spouses needs? Should I continue to hide my unsatisfied marriage so my spouse can continue to enjoy her life? "
An ATLGuy, do you know of any unfulfilled dreams your wife might have? Would she like to own a small bookstore, art supply shop or cafe, photography business, run a pet-sitting business or even start a business that caters to doing people's errands (such as she does for you)?
I'm thinking that instead of running away yourself, you help your wife run away from you a bit! Being dependent is a dicey business. Despite only being able to do 6th grade math, I'm sure your wife is very reluctant to be 'selfish' in any way because of your generosity and dedication to her, especially due to her health concerns. She might not want to risk rocking the boat, as she could probably sense your distancing and not want to give any reason for any kind of divorce because of the health insurance issue you mentioned.
She might need a green light to spread her wings a bit. Maybe she would like to explore her interests through adult education (in our state these classes are offered very low cost and commitment through the local school districts).
I don't know the specifics of her illness, but I think you might even find that relieving some stress on her part about her dependency and the restrictions of that, might ease the symptoms of her illness/es.
If you make a run for it, even as you say this is emotionally and not physically abandoning her so far as the essentials of life (food shelter clothing medical care), you might make her more dependent instead of less...whereas encouraging her to spread her wings a bit, lessening her need to 'invest' in your caregiving abilities...might get you what you want. You said she takes care of a lot of things for you...is there any chance you can start doing ALL of those things yourself, or at least more than half of household stuff? Then she will not have an 'excuse' to do things for you instead of yourself. You know what? I think your marriage might actually suffer from two people doing way too much for each other!!!! You guys need to loosen up a bit, that's my feeling.
Advice for leaving a dependent spouse 
