ladyinpink

We have been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children all three under 11. I work an 8-5 and he's been unemployed for almost a year. Since he's home he's the primary caretaker for our 3 children, cooks, and combined with my children I generally come home to a pretty clean house and dinner cooked or we pick-up fast food etc. He's a pretty involved dad and a great father and all around great guy however, like all of us he has flaws. Lately I find myself often considering separation or even a divorce which I never ever dreamed I would consider. We dont spend a lot of time together usually when I get home, he's leaving to take our son to baseball practice. We will occassionally watch some TV together but we watch different things so he usually has one TV and I usually have another. I generally go to bed before him and there's hardly any communications about our day, life etc. I feel unattached most times. When I tell him about it, it improves for 3-4 days and it's back to the same ol thing. If we are in the car, we only have one. We can not say one word to each other. He can get on the phone with his friends and other coaches and talk for up to an hour or longer, whereas we hardly have any communication. Sex is usually 2-3 times a month, lately I'm just not even interested. There's no affection, and I'm just sick of it. I feel lonely and like I'm not getting the attention or affection I need. Again, I will mention it to him and it gets better for 3-4 days but then it's back to the same old thing. I'm pretty certain he's not cheating and I sure am not, however I've found myself imagining my life with someone else. We usually argue once or twice a week typically on the weekend when I'm home and not at work. We never really agree on anything and he always trys to talk over me or dismiss what I say. He wants to be the alfa male and says I talk too much or dont know when to close my mouth, which always leads to a huge fight. I refuse to bow down to him or not say what I feel. He thinks I should just listen more and not respond I guess but that will NEVER happen. I dont know, I love him yes but I dont like the way he treats me especially in front of my daughters. I just think I deserve better and I have imagined I guess that I should be treated like a queen. He use to do that but not anymore. Im sure I have my faults and he claims he treats me better than I treat him, which may be true. Im a little selfish at times and like things a certain way, somewhat of a neat freak, but Ive learned to pick my battles. I'm also fustrated with the finances of course, at the same time since Im paying most of the bills my self (he gets unemplloyment) I often ask myself why I put up with the crap, when I'm paying the bills alone. Am i crazy or just need a small break. I honestly feel that if we didnt have any children I would have left a long time ago. I think I'm still with him becasue of our childen and I KNOW that's why hes here, as its been said a time or two during arguments. And of course hes unemployed he's not going anywhere anytime soon. I need a reality check someone please.

BigToe

You tell us you love him but you tell him during arguments that you are only there for the kids. How about telling HIM you love him and not say hurtful things during arguments (him too).

ladyinpink

No he has said that he's only here because of the children, not me. He's made that comment a couple of times in the past when we would have a huge blow out and then later recant it of course. I know he means it though.

ladyinpink

And bigtoe you are absoutely right we should and its easier said then done. I don't know if I just want to walk away or continue to put up with it for the sake of the children. I am soo confused. We arent always unhappy but for the past 6 months I find myself wanting out and have come pretty close to telling him. He jokes (i guess it's joking) often saying, "bring me the papers and I will sign them". I work for a divorce attorney so all I do each day is file divorce papers for people. A lot of people are far worse than we are and this I honeslty know. I am terrified of what a divorce will do to my son and 2 daughters who adore their father but at the same time I'm loosing myself along the way and putting up with a lot of crap and not really setting what I call a good example for either of my children by continously allowing the disrespect from my husband as well as disrespecting him as well. And as we all know unforunately yes the children often hear the fighting.

BigToe

Unless you attack the problem and correct it things won't change. If you are at the point of wanting out of the marriage you have an obligation to tell your husband. If you can't tell him you are serious, then are you really serious yourself?

It sounds to me like you both take each other for granted, and because of that you both say things in anger that probably are not true. Communication is the answer here.

Chelly

Was it like this before he lost his job? That is a huge pressure on a marriage.

ladyinpink

Thanks Bigtoe. I think you are right. To answer your question. I don't know if that's what I want sometimes I think I do, but if I had to be totally honest with myself NO I dont' want a divorce, I just want him to treat me better, and respect me more. No he's not yelling, cursing and acting a fool, drinking partying nor am I suspicious that he's cheating on me. I guess I just wish, I'm sure like many of you that we could be the way we use to be with each other. Yes I love him, and yes I know he loves me, but I honestly dont think we are in love with each other. Maybe we need a post honeymoon to rekindle I guess.

ladyinpink

Chelly: Well no, we were constantly going here and there on vacations, and we made time to go out alone without the kids and all was great. I guess I didn't think about that either and perhaps how he feels not having money to do things. I guess that's also put a lot of pressure on us both.

kekel1123

My wife also said it to me. She says she does not love me anymore, no respect, blah blah blah... We are married over 9 yrs with one kid. Were on financial stress right now. We had a really bad fight recently (physical) . Now she said were just living for the kid. She does not have a husband, only a kid. This hurts me most. I dont know if it just drama or what. Over the past 9 years, weve never been on a date for both of us. Because its only the 3 of us here in the US.Here are the some points of our relationship:

She: very independent , will powered woman
She earns more than I do.
She had a previous relationship during her single life with a married man. (which she told me before we get married). Which I always brought up during our argument.
She helps a lot her family (which is not an issue for me).... Since she earns a lot more than I do....


I am an only child.
My dad died when i was 7. My mom died when i was 27.
My mom i remembered has a lot of relationships even when my died was still alive and when my dad died as well which i hate most (some are single relationships but most are extramarital (on the guys side since my mom was widowed that time).
I told my wife that she might had an affair which makes her angry and she denies it. The reason i was suspicious was because she does not like sex at all. and she like to be with her friends (guys and gals ) more than with us.
Ive been sick a lot beacuse of this. In and out the hospital maybe due to emotional stress. Work does not streess me out . But this family thing is a lot for me.
During our arguments , i always told her the D word, but I dont mean it , I was just angry.
I am on counselling now.

Now she said she set limits , like i should not give her affection. NO i love you. No Sex, .If she goes out with her friends, or somewhere i should not ask her.

I dont know what to do. I am still just hanging on. I love her and my daughter. Theyre are my life. I hope this will still me fixed. I am praying and will do evertyhing to stay with this relationship.