WorriedWife!

Hi All,
Im new here and looking for advice. I have been with my husband for 7 years (married 4). He has always lied to me about small things but I just overlooked them because I really loved him. Now, a few yrs after getting married, it has gotten worse! He lies about everything...normal things like how much money he spends, what he buys, where he has been. He even lies to his friend, he told one we owned a bunch of houses and land which we dont! I lost it yesterday b/c he has been looking for a job and told me he got one. Well he came home from his first day of work and I found a movie ticket in his pocket! He admitted to going to the movies because the job didn't work out and just forgot to tell me...hmm? I know he is not cheating but is a compulsive liar. He also has a drinking problem, he isnt aggressive at all but he used to go out after work with his friends and not tell me...needless to say I would find out at 2 am when he came home drunk! His excuse would be that he is stressed and that is the only thing that helps. He also likes to blame me for our fights. All of his lying is turning me into a crazy controlling wife. I know it sounds impossible but I keep telling myself if I dont let him go here then he wont lie or get in trouble and we will be fine. Im at the point to where if he does it one more time then im done, so im trying everything in my power to prevent that! Its exhausting! Now he just lies more because I am controlling...I said I would never be the controlling wife : ( I dont know what to do, he is a great father and we are expecting our 3rd child. I have been with him since I was in high-school. I just graduated college so I can support myself, but im not ready to be a single mom! Any advice? Im so lost and have nobody to talk to!

onepotatotwo

Wow, sounds like you've got alot on your plate right now!!
I can't imagine the stress of being pregnant and trying to deal with a husband like that. My exH was alot like that but we didn't have kids(thankfully).
I've been down the road you're on now... My ex lied about *everything*...never knew why back then... He'd lie about where he was, what he was doing, anything... He turned out to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, but I didn't know that until after we divorced.
When we were together, I was like you..."the crazy wife". I checked his phone, computer, broke into his email...you name it.
I found he'd had contact(lots) with other women...didn't really matter to him what they looked like or what they did, they were just narcissistic supply to his ego. And I spent way too many hours tracking him like a bloodhound to check up on him...I also became "the controlling wife".
Trying to control someone like that will make you sick and burnt out. You're trying to make things 'right' when you can't.
The best advice I can offer you is to look after you and your kids... You can't fix him or make things 'right' with him... You just have to make sure you take care of your health so you can be healthy for your kids. I can't tell you to leave him or not because I'm not in your situation...but I can say that leaving my exH was probably the healthiest thing I have ever done, despite the tremendous pain of 'losing' him. What I gained in every sense, made the pain worth it...know what I mean?
And that's what's happening in my current marriage...leaving him is making me healthier because I'm not being constantly sucked into battles with him or spending my life trying to make everything right.

Runs like Dog

Why would a man pretend to have a job?

Shame.

lonely73

I'm so sorry you are dealing having to deal with this. Especially given everything else on your plate.

I have been in your shoes. My first husband was a compulsive liar. He lied about everything! I could be looking at the sky and my eyes were telling me it was blue, but he would be right there telling me I'm wrong it's green. I felt absolutly crazy all the time. I didn't feel like I could trust my own judgement or eyes for that matter. I can't tell you what you should do. All I can say is that based on my experience this type of behaviour is hard to change. He will have to first recognize what he is doing and want to make a change. My 1st husband was not willing so I finally had to leave for my own sanity.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and your children... whatever that may be.

Prodigal

Well, I think you've learned one thing pretty quickly: nobody can control another person's behavior. And when we try to control other people, it makes us crazy. Nobody can make you crazy - even your husband - because you're doing it to yourself.

That being said, I can tell you that if he is a narcissist, he's not going to want counseling. From the narcissist's perspective, the rest of the world is nuts, and they're perfectly normal. I married one. I KNOW.

I am really sorry that you have this much stress. Having children, being pregnant, husband out of work, and now his lying.

Do you have any family members you can go stay with for awhile? Space might enable you to get out from under and gain some perspective. Nobody wants to be a single parent; on the other hand, children deserve a stable environment in which to grow and thrive.

I don't know if there is hope for you. I'd lay it all out on the table to him, and see what he has to say for himself. Granted, you might not get an honest response ... that being the case, I'd have a family member lined up to give you a few days space time. If you are going to issue any ultimatums, just make sure you are willing and able to follow through on them.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

alphaomega

He may not be a narcissist. He may just be a byproduct of his parents alcoholism. Lying when it's just as easy to tell the truth is very very common behavior in children of alcoholics. Do you know if his parents were alcoholics, and or abusive?
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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Has he been tested for drugs?
Even an addiction to OTC or off-use products (huffing/inhaling) can cause behavior like this. Or a friend might be supporting a weed habit, etc.

WorriedWife!

Thanks guys! It is hard dealing with all of this, especially while pregnant! I know he is not doing drugs, just the drinking which in my opinion is just as bad! His father was an alcoholic growing up! I recently had a heart to heart with his father and really opened up about our problems, he then poured out all of his whiskey and has not offered my husband a drink since...At least family is supportive. I am really leaning towards leaving, I just hate the person I have become!