Wife wants to move out alone - Help, I don't want to lose her!
You have in front of you another heart broken husband… My story is long and complicated, but I’ll try to make it short.
First of all sorry if my English is not so good – it’s not my mother tongue.
We are together for 9 years. We were high school lovers and after that we decided to move in together. Now I am 25 and she is 24. Last year in August we had the civil wedding and this year in September we had planned the rest of the wedding (religious + party).
2 years ago, we had a tough moment; we cancelled our first planned wedding. Things were almost without hope: I became a very unsure person, always doubting the fact that she loves me, always when we had a fight I was ending in crying and blaming myself all the time and much more were wrong – generally all coming from the insecure me. She felt that I can’t handle myself or anything else since we moved in together (she felt she has to do everything) and we agreed that it’s not a good moment for wedding. I realized then that I’m not the man I want to be and I can’t continue on that path. I went to counseling, toughened up myself, got another vision about life and felt for the first time like a new man. And yes, I’ve done it for myself but for our relationship too – I realized how much I love her. Changes came soon and she absolutely loved the new me. We gave a new chance for our relationship.
Time passed, all going ok and we had the civil wedding last year in August. Since then problems appeared: money problems, communication problems, sex problems appeared again (rarely having sex). I loved and love her more than words and feel that I got myself so wrapped up in all the problems with the job, bills and so on that I forgot to show her my love the way she deserved. I also became a part of a routine and forgot to enjoy life as it should. I was attentive from time to time (a rose, a bubble bath etc.), near her when she needed a friend, cuddling, had good time together – it wasn’t perfect, but I thought love will keep us united no matter how hard it is.
In the last 3 months I felt her more distant, wanting to talk less about her problems at work or any other kind of problems, not so implicated in the preparations for our wedding party. The problem is that I didn’t realize what was wrong then. I realize this now, looking back. I still can’t imagine how I let this happen. During these 3 months, I felt something was wrong but couldn’t realize what it is. If only I had opened my eyes to see my suffering wife better.
It was the middle of May when we had a fight about money. I didn’t trusted her regarding the use of a certain sum of money (I thought she used them for something else and was hiding that from me) - but I was wrong - and never accused her of deceiving me until then. That was the catalyst for her. She was angry with me almost all time after that. I apologized – didn’t matter; she left for a week to visit her parents – when she came back still mad. I was beginning to be unsure and afraid again. I didn’t know how to react anymore and my confident self disappeared – agony and a part of the old me was back again. Had one episode of despair in one night and tried to provoke her to speak with me (giving me the silent treatment all this time) but failed and I just began crying and couldn’t stop – it was awful. The next morning I felt that I was deep down in the abyss of despair and back.
She spent more and more time with her friends – getting home late into the night - (but always telling me before she’s going to be late). I had moments when I thought she was cheating me, but I never accused her of this - I believed and still believe it was all in my head and consequence of insecurity. We had a talk and she told me that I wasn’t there for her, that she felt invisible, not trusted and not loved. She pointed all the negative things she could find in me and our relationship ignoring completely the good parts. She told me that she doesn’t know what she feels and wants anymore. I told her that I love her and that I never wanted for her to feel that way, I always tried to be there for her. I asked why she didn’t tell me anything before and let all this pile up. She said that after 9 years I should know what she needs. I believed she was happy, but I was so wrong. I cried that night.
Three weeks ago she moved to one of her friends. Since then she came back from time to time only to take some things. I became desperate of losing her. Became pushy and tried a lot of romantic things: flowers, surprises but nothing worked. I was losing patience some time: sending text messages constantly, phoning her – begging her to come back, telling her how much I miss her and that I love her greatly and I will change, that our marriage can be different if we want it to work out.
Last Friday she told me that she wants to move out and stay alone. She told me that she wants the rest of the wedding (religious + party) cancelled. I asked her if she feels anything for me anymore. She didn’t give a direct answer. I told her that I will respect her decisions but I will not give up fighting for her. I was thinking the worst case scenario… I did the mistake to ask her: “If you don’t love me anymore look into my eyes and just tell me” – she said she is afraid to do that because she is afraid of how I will react. She said that I am right, it needs two to make things work out. I felt that she is just giving up. When I asked her if she wants to divorce she said that I’m going too far.
After that talk I sent her some text messages telling her I don’t want to lose her and asking her if she really doesn’t feel anything anymore for me, if she really doesn’t miss anything from what we had, if she won’t be sorry and so on. Tried to call her. Like always, no answer. After that, she closed her mobile phones all this weekend. She sent me only one message: “please stop, I don’t like to keep my phones closed all the time”. From that moment I stopped – that was Sunday. I realized I was just repeating myself and insisting so much its bothering her. Took a good look into the mirror and realized I’ve been a crybaby again in the last weeks. I realized that I was looking at the man from 2 years ago, and that’s just not me. That scared me and was my catalyst. I know it’s been only 3 days since then but I’m feeling a little bit more confident and quitted harassing her with text messages and calls – that’s no way to show respect and love.
Today we met for a couple of minutes and she told me that she searched and found a place to stay and I should do that too (currently we stay in a flat, not ours - we pay rent – I can’t handle paying it all alone). I told her that I realized I wasn’t also a good friend for her and let her down when she needed more understanding. And that I know that things I’ve said and done at some point (or things that I haven’t said or done), made her suffer. She told nothing and she left.
I know her. If she’s decided to do something she will do it. She rarely admits she is wrong, and rarely changes her mind on something. She is kind of an inflexible person regarding these things.
Thank you for reading my entire story. I am sure that I didn’t cover all the details, but feel free to ask if you consider something relevant. I love her greatly. No, let me put it in another way: I haven’t been the best husband, but I am in love with her and I don’t want to lose her. But I can’t force her to stay either. All I always wanted is for her to be happy, but it hurts to know that I couldn’t make her happy and feel loved until now. I believe with all my heart that we can be happy together, but I wander if I’m the only one that believes in that anymore…
I really need some advice. How to handle this situation from now on?
Last edited by Cradock; 07-01-2011 at 05:42 AM.