Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 07-02-2011, 03:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

My husband and I have only been married for 5 months and we fight all the time. normally he is very sweet and caring but when he gets mad he calls me names and has already told me to leave and go back to Texas (where we moved from and all my family is) at least 3 times. Everytime i tell him he can't treat me like this or i really will leave and he says im sorry i won't do it anymore etc. and i stay but now i am at the point where i just don't believe things will ever get better for us. obviously i am not perfect but he is verbally abusive and mean and i just can't keep letting him treat me like this. about two days ago we got into a fight and he kept calling me a ***** and i told him it was the end i could'nt take it anymore but as i was packing i was so sad because i do love him and i broke down and told him i would give him one last chance (which is what i said last time) and he told me he would change etc and of course i don't believe him and i know i should leave but i want it to work out.I feel like i am not trying enough after only 5 months but i don't want to raise a family this way. as of now we have no children just two dogs which we would have to split up if i left because neither of us is able to take care of both for various reasons. How do you think i should go about fixing this or should i just accept it and leave? i wanted to try counseling but we just dont have the money for it right now so we would hav to wait at least a few months and if we can't get better then i fear by that time i will not be able to stay and have any self respect left. every time we talk about it he says its normal for people to act this way because its how his dad treated his family but i know its not normal and i know it is not okay. but when i try and discuss things like this with him he somehow twists it around to make me feel like i am the one who is doing something wrong by wanting to leave because he says i havent tried enough or something similar to that. i am just so confused.

Last edited by younglove1; 07-02-2011 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

Was he verbally abusive before you got married or did this start after?

A lot of people will tell you to leave and file for divorce because he will never change, but I have a different opinion on it.

I feel people can truly change, but they have to want to and they have to understand it will not happen overnight.
The reason I feel this way is because I was verbally abusive to my H and always swore I'd change but never did. He left and it's been over 4 months and I don't know if we'll ever get back together.
As hard as it was to have him leave, it made me realize that I did need to make some serious changes. I started to go to therapy for myself (I had actually started going before we separated) and really working on my issues. I know that I needed to do this for myself regardless of what happens with my marriage.

Your H needs help, and you need time apart. If he truly wants to change and make things work then he needs to stop the abuse permanently.

Is there any way you can stay with someone for a while? I'm not saying a week or so, like maybe a good month or so? It would give you time to work on yourself and also let your H know that you are serious about leaving if he doesn't change. If you keep giving him chances he'll never take you seriously and never stop abusing you.
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Old 07-02-2011, 08:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

Well we just moved for his job and I literally don't know anyone so its with him or back to Texas. So I don't know if separation would help so far away
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Old 08-02-2011, 02:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

I'm actually going through the same thing with my h. We have been together for 8 years and married 4. I have given him so many chances to change. About 2 months ago, I was so fed up with it and him. He did it front of family and friends. I told him this was his last chance and I meant. He knows i mean it this time. We are going to counselling to help us out. When you tell this is his last chance you need to mean and stick to it. My h is trying but it might be too late.
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Old 08-02-2011, 03:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

Every time you threaten to leave because of the way he treats you, but you end up staying, you're giving him permission to keep treating you that way because he knows it's just an idle threat on your part. It goes back to the whole "Never cry wolf" story... the more it happens, the more it'll just keep turning into a vicious cycle. If you threaten to leave, you HAVE TO MEAN IT, and actually be willing to go through with it.

He is abusive toward you, no doubt about it. I would serious look at going to stay with your family for a while, so that the next time you say you'll leave, you actually do it. Hopefully it might be enough to knock some sense and respect into him.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

If yall are both willing to go to counselling, contact your local health department or community services board. Just look in the phone book. Counselling is available, you just need to know where to look. Sometimes just having someone as a mediator during an issue may be helpful. A lot of times these services are offered on a sliding scale also, so $ may not be that big of a deal. BUt you have to both be willing to go and be open minded about the things that may come up too.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont want to divorce but don't see things getting better

I would also suggest you contact or meet with local clergy. You'd be amazed at what a local congregational leader will be willing to do so you can meet with qualified counsel.
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